People fascinate me. I never seen something so beautiful and ugly at the same time. One minute they are friendly the next ferocious and the next laughing. Maybe we are all bipolar lol. Well, to an extent.
I love watching mothers with their small children when they are smiling and answering questions to their baby's little voice. Teaching and being genuinely affectionate.
And then of course five minutes later, when their sweet child picks up a rock and throws it at someone else's kid, how their faces wrinkle up in frustration and they are swift to take action. So cool how we can do that isn't it? Not to mention the apologetic face and body language of embarrassment when they walk over to the other angry mother to say how sorry they are. I giggled at the whole thing thinking how completely nuts we must look to women without children lol.
I love watching dads too. They are unfailingly strict and play a little too rough. They get aggravated quickly when they are busy fixing something on the house and constantly being interrupted by their children. But there is always that one sweet moment, where they make a joke or kick the ball back to them smiling, and you can see it in their children's faces, how they soar with delight that dad sees them and he must really love them. It may be a small moment or two but to them it's worth it. And kind words at all makes them so happy.
I love watching children. I love sitting at the park listening to all the squeals and laughter and even the occasional whine. I imagine how awful that would be not to have those sounds around me. The world would be so eerily quiet. Too quiet.
My favorite place to hide is my bathtub. Stick my head under the water while it's running and it drowns out every sound outside that bathtub. All I can hear is the water running and breathing. The most relaxing thing in the world. Well, until someone bursts in the door complaining about what the other one did. Dag nab them when they do that lol. That icky jolt you feel when you have just fallen into a complete state of peace and tranquility. Hate that.
I love my enemies too. I know that seems weird and other people usually tell all their friends what so and so did. I usually tell 2 and one of them is always my husband. But I do cry for them. I do. I love them despite their lack of good feelings towards me. I always end up wishing things could be different and wracking my brain for ideas on how to soften their hearts. But, alas, they have to choose. And some inspite of your kind efforts, ignore any opportunity for true and honest change towards you or anybody. They're stuck. Damned I guess you would call it. And by choice of all things. My heart aches for them continually and I pray for them. I really do.
People fascinate me. I never seen something so beautiful and ugly at the same time. One minute they are friendly the next ferocious and the next laughing......
Friday, January 13, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
I Feel Dumb
Have you ever had a feeling to do something because it was the right thing to do and then felt stupid afterwards? Not because you said anything stupid but just plain awkward?
I feel that way too often lately. My logic is very simple and straight forward I don't need complications or to talk above someone's head I used to do that alot sometimes on purpose I admit for pure entertainment teasing value, hopefully never at the expense of hurt feelings. I think that life offers it's own confusions and I've decided not to be a part of them thus the straight forward honest approach is best for me. But even if I've skillfully worded it, had a great happy peaceful feeling about it, afterwards all I feel is just plain awkward.
The most irritation thing is I'm sure it's just me. Somehow for some weird reason I'm allowing my head to wander into a million different scenarios on how others might take what I say. The world has gotten so over sensitive about everything that it's nerve wracking just to think anything about another human being. How they'll react to anything I say or do. There are people around me that are in some odd frame of mind about things and always seem to be offended along with the expectation that the perfection that they are trying to attain in this life comes from "acting" perfect around others.
This is a mistake. Pure and simple mistake. In order to become perfect you must be willing to sink so low to the ground that you are willing to admit you are dust and humble enough not only to accept it but be thankful for it. Interesting concept I know. But, true. To be above others is arrogant and prideful. To think you are better than others at any point in time is wrong. To constantly put those around you, even the ones that hate you, first in it's own crazy way is how you should be living and anyone who has EVER done that in their lives knows first hand the fantastic happy feeling you get from it.
But beware the feelings that you should be and are entitled to something in return for this is false. A trick. Has happened to me many times. I do lots of nice things for someone and not only do they not reciprocate they act as though an kind act I do towards them I owe them constantly because they are the moon and sun. Not good. Not correct either but whatever rocks their boat lol. I've been tricked and lied to by thoughts that seek only to cause my heart to be angry. Pfft what a waste! At least I figured it out though. At least the first thought that pops into my mind is to let it go to forgive quickly and move on. Yeah I learned something important!
Now the question is, how do you pass something like that on to others without them being over sensitive and offended? How do I help people without feeling dumb?
I feel that way too often lately. My logic is very simple and straight forward I don't need complications or to talk above someone's head I used to do that alot sometimes on purpose I admit for pure entertainment teasing value, hopefully never at the expense of hurt feelings. I think that life offers it's own confusions and I've decided not to be a part of them thus the straight forward honest approach is best for me. But even if I've skillfully worded it, had a great happy peaceful feeling about it, afterwards all I feel is just plain awkward.
The most irritation thing is I'm sure it's just me. Somehow for some weird reason I'm allowing my head to wander into a million different scenarios on how others might take what I say. The world has gotten so over sensitive about everything that it's nerve wracking just to think anything about another human being. How they'll react to anything I say or do. There are people around me that are in some odd frame of mind about things and always seem to be offended along with the expectation that the perfection that they are trying to attain in this life comes from "acting" perfect around others.
This is a mistake. Pure and simple mistake. In order to become perfect you must be willing to sink so low to the ground that you are willing to admit you are dust and humble enough not only to accept it but be thankful for it. Interesting concept I know. But, true. To be above others is arrogant and prideful. To think you are better than others at any point in time is wrong. To constantly put those around you, even the ones that hate you, first in it's own crazy way is how you should be living and anyone who has EVER done that in their lives knows first hand the fantastic happy feeling you get from it.
But beware the feelings that you should be and are entitled to something in return for this is false. A trick. Has happened to me many times. I do lots of nice things for someone and not only do they not reciprocate they act as though an kind act I do towards them I owe them constantly because they are the moon and sun. Not good. Not correct either but whatever rocks their boat lol. I've been tricked and lied to by thoughts that seek only to cause my heart to be angry. Pfft what a waste! At least I figured it out though. At least the first thought that pops into my mind is to let it go to forgive quickly and move on. Yeah I learned something important!
Now the question is, how do you pass something like that on to others without them being over sensitive and offended? How do I help people without feeling dumb?
Monday, January 2, 2012
Kindness begins with me
Raising kids is no easy task. It takes a lifetime of nurturing, properly teaching them right from wrong. You ask them to always be honest no matter what. You ask them to tell you everything when something is bothering them hoping that your experience will help them accept and overcome the challenge at hand. You inspire as much as you have time and hope that you are trying your own best to be a good example to them. And you know they watch and hear every single thing you do and say and will repeat it exactly in their own lifetimes. Tricky isn't it.
Manners are a ballgame all on their own. The biggest most important thing about your public behavior is this. The way you act and react, which is a much bigger deal to teach them not to do, shows how much you respect others and is a direct reflection of you.
If you gossip, eventually you will tell someone who will not only stand up to you and confront you never to repeat what you have just said to them, but you will find that others along the way will suddenly find the strength to confront you as well and it is a bitter taste to swallow. Suddenly you will see what they have been looking at all along and your reflection can be startling.
If you are kind and honest, you will never have to constantly remember what you told everyone and get caught in a web that will eventually be your own destruction with you as it's creator and you alone. Instead, you will receive many compliments of grandeur and delight and people will flock to you asking for advice or simple company for a moment or two because what they reflect of you is beautiful and inspiring.
Crude and rude behavior, people will think you were never taught but you and I both know we try to teach this but not all will listen or accept. Sitting up straight and carrying yourself with confidence will make others around you feel your strength and those who seek to hurt you in any way will hesitate.
My children have been taught, since preschool, empathy. Empathy is much more than kindess or sympathy. It's like receiving a wonderful filter when others are honest in ways that might upset them. They are quick to filter out the bad and give them the benefit of the doubt. The biggest part of empathy, is forgiveness. The willingness to quickly forgive and forget as the Savior did. To turn the other cheek and allow them to strike away at you willingly accepting their anger against you and praying for their souls. It doesn't make you weak. It is the opposite effect. You are strong and refuse to give in to the adversary who wittles you down to nothing one little piece at a time. You will never notice it unless you are looking for it. He is that clever and walks right beside the path of righteousness convincing you that everyone else does it, you're fine. He lies.
I will accept your ridicule, your indecencies, your cruel intentions of spite and arrogance. I will also accept your love, your forgiveness, your joy and inspirations if you were only but willing to share them with me. I will accept your pain and make it my own, struggle with you, cry with you, plead with you to God for help. I will accept your happiness and excitement, your laughter and triumphs, smiling with delight. I will love you and forgive you for the Lord taught me that. I will challenge you to think further on topics you struggle with regardless of your anger or offense. Be not easily offended. Do not judge others lest ye be judged, for the same mete you judge others thou shalt be judged. Love one another. Be not araid to offend others if you stand for truth and righteousness. Always......follow your heart.
Happy New Year. I wish you all the eternal blessings and joys this world has to offer. May you always find the good in others and have courage to stand for what's right according to what you believe and never waver.
Manners are a ballgame all on their own. The biggest most important thing about your public behavior is this. The way you act and react, which is a much bigger deal to teach them not to do, shows how much you respect others and is a direct reflection of you.
If you gossip, eventually you will tell someone who will not only stand up to you and confront you never to repeat what you have just said to them, but you will find that others along the way will suddenly find the strength to confront you as well and it is a bitter taste to swallow. Suddenly you will see what they have been looking at all along and your reflection can be startling.
If you are kind and honest, you will never have to constantly remember what you told everyone and get caught in a web that will eventually be your own destruction with you as it's creator and you alone. Instead, you will receive many compliments of grandeur and delight and people will flock to you asking for advice or simple company for a moment or two because what they reflect of you is beautiful and inspiring.
Crude and rude behavior, people will think you were never taught but you and I both know we try to teach this but not all will listen or accept. Sitting up straight and carrying yourself with confidence will make others around you feel your strength and those who seek to hurt you in any way will hesitate.
My children have been taught, since preschool, empathy. Empathy is much more than kindess or sympathy. It's like receiving a wonderful filter when others are honest in ways that might upset them. They are quick to filter out the bad and give them the benefit of the doubt. The biggest part of empathy, is forgiveness. The willingness to quickly forgive and forget as the Savior did. To turn the other cheek and allow them to strike away at you willingly accepting their anger against you and praying for their souls. It doesn't make you weak. It is the opposite effect. You are strong and refuse to give in to the adversary who wittles you down to nothing one little piece at a time. You will never notice it unless you are looking for it. He is that clever and walks right beside the path of righteousness convincing you that everyone else does it, you're fine. He lies.
I will accept your ridicule, your indecencies, your cruel intentions of spite and arrogance. I will also accept your love, your forgiveness, your joy and inspirations if you were only but willing to share them with me. I will accept your pain and make it my own, struggle with you, cry with you, plead with you to God for help. I will accept your happiness and excitement, your laughter and triumphs, smiling with delight. I will love you and forgive you for the Lord taught me that. I will challenge you to think further on topics you struggle with regardless of your anger or offense. Be not easily offended. Do not judge others lest ye be judged, for the same mete you judge others thou shalt be judged. Love one another. Be not araid to offend others if you stand for truth and righteousness. Always......follow your heart.
Happy New Year. I wish you all the eternal blessings and joys this world has to offer. May you always find the good in others and have courage to stand for what's right according to what you believe and never waver.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Copy of Christmas Letter to All..Merry Christmas!
Greetings and Salutations from St. Louis!
It's been a busy year this year starting with our little Catherine turning a whole 1
years old in March. Shortly after that she was walking. She's about 21 mos old now and a very busy girl. She loves to sing and dance and already knows how to work the stereo. She has recently even learned how to put on her own shoes and is still working on putting on her jacket right side up she gets her arms in there just upside down.
Dyllan began middle school this year ( junior high) and is a very bright student. At
our first parent teacher conference all they had to say were wonderful things about how loved he is by the other students and what a bright and intelligent boy he is. We were floored. He has also received the Aaronic Priesthood at the end of October and is in the office of the deacon. His first time passing out the sacrament had him pretty scared but the older boys were great helps to him and he's got the hang of it now.
Brittany. She's 13 now and definitely a teenager. She is in her last year of middle
school and has been preparing for high school. The students in 8th grade recently worked with the school counsellors to choose their classes for freshman year. DuBray is a wonderful middle school, very well organized and I know she has made a lot of friends. She's also been doing great with her studies this year. Way to go Britt! About 2 months ago Brittany and several girls her age walked 12.5 miles from the Missouri Bottom Trail to the St Louis Temple. All of the girls were exhausted but I have never seen our Brittany so determined to accomplish something so important to her. We were glowing.All of the girls were exhausted but I have never seen our Brittany so determined to accomplish something so important to her. We were glowing.
Nathan is still working as a laser scientist at Northrup Grumman here in St
Charles. The company has been struggling slightly at the end of this quarter but the
future still looks good and “people are still buying. It's the nature of the business.” He recently had surgery and handled it fairly well. Was fun trying to talk to him with his “happy” meds kicking in. I don't think anyone ever makes any sense in that state. He is still very busy with his ward callings as the Financial Clerk and Priesthood instructor on Sundays.(yeah right only on Sundays)
As for me, I have a blog that I write on all the time at
www.squaringself.blogspot.com where you can follow what I'm doing, how I'm coping and
everything going on with me. I'm a slow writer compared to typer so it's like my journal of sorts. I myself have been struggling with hyperthyroidism since about August, that we know of. It makes you tired, nervous, anxiety ridden, gives you a fast heart rate and makes you hot. ( not like that but I am already you didn't have to point that out) I have been on medication to help my heart cope with my thyroid and have recently undergone radiactive iodine therapy to treat the thyroid and won't know much until February I'll keep everyone posted on my blog. I look forward to being able to sleep someday soon.
From our family to yours, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. We hope this
finds you well and look forward to hearing from you. Stay safe and warm.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Finally
Wow did I really get some sleep there? I never usually sleep more than 3-4 hours at a time so I guess professionals call that interrupted sleep. Well I had about5 hours of uninterrupted sleep. To most of you this is nothing to cheer about but for me? Whoooohoooo!!! The worst is over, so far. I have a dr apt tomorrow and I guess we'll talk more then on the 'what next' agenda for me health wise.
The most disconcerting part of all of this was my toddler's reaction to it all. "What do you mean no? Why can't you cuddle with me?" Was awful. Hard on both of us for sure. But, there is a small silver lining. I have two older children and have already learned when there are temper tantrums just let it ride. If they are causing physical harm all you do is move them to an area that has less stuff to throw at you lol. I have learned to wait it out and not take it personally so when she was throwing tantrums because Mom was 'being mean' to her was no big thing. But I missed cuddling her too especially if she was hurt or hungry or tired and I knew it. Not everyone is a quick learner and not everyone pays that kind of observance to their kids.
Study them once in a while. You'll be surprised.
The most disconcerting part of all of this was my toddler's reaction to it all. "What do you mean no? Why can't you cuddle with me?" Was awful. Hard on both of us for sure. But, there is a small silver lining. I have two older children and have already learned when there are temper tantrums just let it ride. If they are causing physical harm all you do is move them to an area that has less stuff to throw at you lol. I have learned to wait it out and not take it personally so when she was throwing tantrums because Mom was 'being mean' to her was no big thing. But I missed cuddling her too especially if she was hurt or hungry or tired and I knew it. Not everyone is a quick learner and not everyone pays that kind of observance to their kids.
Study them once in a while. You'll be surprised.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Day two and counting...
Yesterday was so up and down.
Again with the I'm cold, no I'm hot. Again with the fever feeling adding lots of nausea with it this time. When the nausea would leave I would grab whatever to eat cause it doesn't last long. It still feels like a really bad flu with lots of pain at the base of my neck which is good because that's where the thyroid is.
I have been tossing everything disposable that I touch in my own garbage like a good girl and since no one is allowed to use the same bathroom all my laundry is in there until I have enough to wash some lol. Such a weird experience. Almost like living singlewith roommates. You remember roommates in college right? You have to live with them, you have to share your food and the tv with them. But you can't hug them all the time cause they'll look at you funny and you don't play 'toys' with them. Lol. Kinda like that around here can't hug for too long, asked not to hold the baby since she's so young, and can't hang around the family room and touch toys or watch tv cause even though we can't see it, radiation is present. Although to my understanding I should be more worried about if I sweat around them or share food with them because of saliva. But they "suggested" so I'm trying.
Toddler girl has not been handling this well at all. Yesterday she acted out and cried almost the entire day, broke my heart. Even though her big sister was there to help her out and play with her, didn't matter, "I want my mom". I feel guilty but I keep smiling and saying just a couple more days baby girl then I'm all yours. She has her big brother home today they have this really cool connection to each other that I even knew about before she was born. I have been really blessed with very special dreams that are important to how I raise my children and I'm grateful that I am privy to that information.
Hubby hasn't once been around me, of course they say at least at arms length, you know, 2 feet is good but 4 feet is better kind of thing. He hates it obviously. We are that 'annoying' couple that you see in the supermarket kissing by the apples, and then by the cereal, and then by the milk. You know, one of "those". We believe in public display of affection and people have every right to avert their eyes if it offends them lol. We won't mind either way, we're still in our own little newly wed world. Hope that never changes, but anyways. He literally pouts, grumpy face, bottom lip out. Occasional hugs, tiny kisses. But like I said before, it's for my good, and his lol. This too shall pass.
Hopefully the headache and dizzy will subside. I can handle the nausea, been pregnant before, and I can handle the pain in my neck, not as bad as the biopsy.
Sooooo, what's new with you?
Again with the I'm cold, no I'm hot. Again with the fever feeling adding lots of nausea with it this time. When the nausea would leave I would grab whatever to eat cause it doesn't last long. It still feels like a really bad flu with lots of pain at the base of my neck which is good because that's where the thyroid is.
I have been tossing everything disposable that I touch in my own garbage like a good girl and since no one is allowed to use the same bathroom all my laundry is in there until I have enough to wash some lol. Such a weird experience. Almost like living singlewith roommates. You remember roommates in college right? You have to live with them, you have to share your food and the tv with them. But you can't hug them all the time cause they'll look at you funny and you don't play 'toys' with them. Lol. Kinda like that around here can't hug for too long, asked not to hold the baby since she's so young, and can't hang around the family room and touch toys or watch tv cause even though we can't see it, radiation is present. Although to my understanding I should be more worried about if I sweat around them or share food with them because of saliva. But they "suggested" so I'm trying.
Toddler girl has not been handling this well at all. Yesterday she acted out and cried almost the entire day, broke my heart. Even though her big sister was there to help her out and play with her, didn't matter, "I want my mom". I feel guilty but I keep smiling and saying just a couple more days baby girl then I'm all yours. She has her big brother home today they have this really cool connection to each other that I even knew about before she was born. I have been really blessed with very special dreams that are important to how I raise my children and I'm grateful that I am privy to that information.
Hubby hasn't once been around me, of course they say at least at arms length, you know, 2 feet is good but 4 feet is better kind of thing. He hates it obviously. We are that 'annoying' couple that you see in the supermarket kissing by the apples, and then by the cereal, and then by the milk. You know, one of "those". We believe in public display of affection and people have every right to avert their eyes if it offends them lol. We won't mind either way, we're still in our own little newly wed world. Hope that never changes, but anyways. He literally pouts, grumpy face, bottom lip out. Occasional hugs, tiny kisses. But like I said before, it's for my good, and his lol. This too shall pass.
Hopefully the headache and dizzy will subside. I can handle the nausea, been pregnant before, and I can handle the pain in my neck, not as bad as the biopsy.
Sooooo, what's new with you?
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Day One of Radioactive Therapy
I feel like I was just out partying all night last night and never got any sleep. That bites 'cause I never got any of the fun lol.
Yesterday at about 2:20pm I sat in the Radiology department answering doctor's questions and asking a few of my own about the side effects of radioactive iodine. One of which is called a thyroid storm, it kills you. I asked how you know when you're having one. He said you'll literally feel like you're dying. If that happens call the emergency room and get back here as fast as you can (yikes). Then one of the radiology techs brought in a big white lead container with my capsule inside and specific instructions. "Ok here is what you're going to do. You need to lift off the lid and it's heavy so be careful. You're going to take the bottle out of the container, take the lid off, hold it up to your mouth and swallow it. Watch out for the packet in there don't swallow that. When you're done grab your water and help yourself out this door ok?" They literally stood about 8 feet away from me while I took the pill which I'm sorry made me laugh, and then I did as instructed and went home. Trying not to giggle at that experience the whole way home.
Let me just say that radiation, gammas, can be felt a lot quicker than expected. Not quite immediate but soon enough was a weird feeling. As time progressed for an hour or two I actually felt good and was waiting for any of the side effects to kick in. Don't worry. They did. 6-8 hours in I feel cold. Like the flu really cold big time chills. Then about an hour after that I'm hot. Then cold. Then hot. Soooooo annoying! I feel ever worse today though like I mentioned at the beginning. Sore throat, minor ache near my thyroid, and just wiped out. Soo tired.
The worst part about this is, I can't hold my baby girl at all if I can help it and only for short periods of time when I have to. I had to hear her cry for mom when mom and mom couldn't do anything about it. She's used to sharing my food so when I tried to eat some dinner she was angry with me that I wouldn't share. I feel terrible about the way she must think of me right now. The good news is children this age forget quickly lol so I have that on my side. From what I understand this will get worse then get better. I've been drinking massive amounts of water to flush this out so I can be around my family. Some precautions I won't have to worry about in 4 days so that's good.
I'll keep you posted.
Yesterday at about 2:20pm I sat in the Radiology department answering doctor's questions and asking a few of my own about the side effects of radioactive iodine. One of which is called a thyroid storm, it kills you. I asked how you know when you're having one. He said you'll literally feel like you're dying. If that happens call the emergency room and get back here as fast as you can (yikes). Then one of the radiology techs brought in a big white lead container with my capsule inside and specific instructions. "Ok here is what you're going to do. You need to lift off the lid and it's heavy so be careful. You're going to take the bottle out of the container, take the lid off, hold it up to your mouth and swallow it. Watch out for the packet in there don't swallow that. When you're done grab your water and help yourself out this door ok?" They literally stood about 8 feet away from me while I took the pill which I'm sorry made me laugh, and then I did as instructed and went home. Trying not to giggle at that experience the whole way home.
Let me just say that radiation, gammas, can be felt a lot quicker than expected. Not quite immediate but soon enough was a weird feeling. As time progressed for an hour or two I actually felt good and was waiting for any of the side effects to kick in. Don't worry. They did. 6-8 hours in I feel cold. Like the flu really cold big time chills. Then about an hour after that I'm hot. Then cold. Then hot. Soooooo annoying! I feel ever worse today though like I mentioned at the beginning. Sore throat, minor ache near my thyroid, and just wiped out. Soo tired.
The worst part about this is, I can't hold my baby girl at all if I can help it and only for short periods of time when I have to. I had to hear her cry for mom when mom and mom couldn't do anything about it. She's used to sharing my food so when I tried to eat some dinner she was angry with me that I wouldn't share. I feel terrible about the way she must think of me right now. The good news is children this age forget quickly lol so I have that on my side. From what I understand this will get worse then get better. I've been drinking massive amounts of water to flush this out so I can be around my family. Some precautions I won't have to worry about in 4 days so that's good.
I'll keep you posted.
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