I am exhausted.
You ever feel that way? Surrounded? Every aspect every angle baring down on you, at you? It's like an incessant pack of wolves knashing their teeth and they never let up.
Never.
Somedays you feel in control of them. Somehow you managed to find something that keeps them at bay, away from you. Could be that they are purely entertained by you that day or simply that you figured out a way to fight them off that actually works. But for how long?
I don't mind my life. I love my family I live for them. But unfortunately I think there are some "wolves" in my past and present at the moment. The past ones haunt me occassionally and the present ones are starting to get vicious. I don't mind opinions either I prefer them as long as they are honest and have a valid or relevant point. But this hoshkosh whisper whisper stuff, weird looks occassionally, irrelevant judgement, cause let's face it no matter how much we judge anyone it's never gonna matter or stick anyways just a waste of time. People will see you inadequacy whether you redirect their attention at someone else or not.
Usually I let it roll I don't have to care. But I miss having friends that I can have THAT conversation with. The one where you tell them everything because you can trust them to be honest with you. I have been struggling since moving here to find those people and I did for a spell but now some are too busy and some have moved away thus making it feel like starting all over again. For lack of a better way to explain it I'm tired of starting over in grade 1 over and over again I already know what I'm looking for in friendship and what I expect to put in and get out of it. I just hate that so many adults are stuck somehow too scared to just have that blunt open conversation. So guarded. It puts me on my guard thus making it impossible for THAT conversation with any of them.
Jeff if you read this I miss talking with you all the time. I miss that we could just tell it how it is and it didn't matter that we didn't always agree as long as we let each other get it out and have some fun with it. So many of the people down here have forgotten fun and relaxation. Every time I'm around them I feel like I have to run to have a conversation with them. No attention span whatsoever. And when people you say you trust to their face and they avert their eyes from you or avoid eye contact in a conversation with me are ALWAYS HIDING SOMETHING. It's a very annoying habit and I have no problem making eye contact that's how I get a read on people.
Maybe it's me. The fact that I know what I want out of life and how I want to get it or need to. Maybe it's the fact that I have no trouble making eye contact when I speak to people and if I do ask me what's wrong cause chances are it has to do with you. I'm easy to read. I wear myself on my sleeve got tired of the brick wall I was behind I prefer the fresh air even if some people around me prefer it stale. It's too easy to hide in a screen. I know people that won't answer my phone calls or my emails but they'll answer me on facebook. Even though they might only be a few blocks away or see me on a regular basis. No face to face just occasional facebook comments. It's depressing me.
I prefer one on one conversation without the phone ringing or the tv on. I prefer quiet more often than noise. I enjoy it when baby Catie sleeps then I have the opportunity to just think. Doing lots of housework helps alot with that sometimes you can find a groove and find a solutions to "what ails ya". Not always but it helps. I am trying to teach that concept to my children at this age. I don't want to blow it off and say oh they're just kids they'll figure it out. What ever happened to they're my responsibility to teach?
That brings me to another topic. I have seen how an awful lot of children in my church treat their leaders when mom and dad aren't looking. How they treat other kids their age as well. I have to say where I'm from this kind of crap rarely happens. Parents are strict enough with their own children to see to it that they are respectful. My own children having moved here are starting to act so rude to me and my husband and keeping them in check is much harder. But I must say, I truely love my daughter Brittany. She is such a wonderful example in this household. She won't tolerate any cursing not one thing. Despite how some girls at church treat her she has learned to ignore them and be herself because who are they to criticize? She has great friends at school that love and appreciate her and I believe her example will help others in the long run. Very pleased with that about her. Her and her brother getting on each others nerves however? Totally different thing we'll have to work on that.
I just want to be able to breathe without having to explain why I need the air. I want to be able to breathe around other people who have forgotten how just so they have hope that they too can be who they are without all these labels forced on them. I want to be able to talk with friends but can't seem to muster up the trust in anyone enough to vent the way I'm used to. Although Nate can be a very good venter sometimes better than me. I like blunt and honest and contrary to some people's opinions he has no trouble with that.
I have hope. For a better way, a better life, a better friendship.
