Still working on it

I still feel that over the years I've worked out every, apparent mind you, error that I've made that directly affected my children and have corrected it to the best of my abilities.  Me on the other hand, still working on it.  Lately it feels like an all uphill battle that might never be won.  A little discouraging perhaps but at least realistic.

I find myself discovering new memories of an old life or simply remembering what I've forgotten.  Some very hilarious to me now as an adult and no longer in those situations.  Others more haunting and cringe worthy.  Here's my question.  How do you know that you are working through the problem and forgiving yourself versus simply justifying the mistake?

To be Continued...

Keep on keeping on

Sooooooo a couple weeks ago felt something on the top of my head go pop!  Instapanic!  I sat still waiting to see if anything happened.  Nothin'.  Nadda.  About 20 minutes later got a splitting headache.  Yikes!  Here I come ER hope it's not an aneurysm.  Eek!

They immediately gave me meds for pain set up IV, asked a billion questions, did a basic neuro test ( drunk test+can you follow my finger).  Found nothing.  Set me up for blood tests with a newbie medic learning how to use da needle (ah well already in pain anyway right), CT scan, and please let me pee I gotta gooooo!  She says good while you're in there........

Then she comes in with all this 'equipment' and one of them looks like a mask and surgical cover as well as a very long needle.  Oh crap!  Can we do a spinal tap to make sure you aren't hemoraging?  Sure why not.  Ow, ow, ow, ow a million times ow!  Even with the local ow ow ow!  They warned me there were be a headache but I didn't really feel anything I'm good.

Five minutes later.........Holy Son of a Cow eating Pooh!  ( sorry too graphic?)  And the pain in my spine didn't help either.  The nurse that was supposed to give me meds (forget her name or I would totally warn you) didn't.  Instead we saw her walk passed us with some weird look on her face and then we saw her, her sweater and her purse walk off.  Splitting headache, aching spine, need something please, NOW.

Then, a savior.  New nurse.  She introduced herself WITH meds in her pocket ( I love her), and let me tell you the Benadryl?  Instadrunk tongue wandering saying a whole bunch of stuff you can't stop your mouth from saying wondering if you are even making sense.  Probably not.  But the pain?  Blissfully dismissed ( big toothy grin).  Did I mention I love her?

After 4 and a half hours of tests the results.  You have diabetes.

???????????????????

Your blood sugar is high and it looks like you could be a type 1.

???????????????????

You need to go meet with your Endocrinologist and get this all taken care of.

WHAT???!!!

Seriously.  Three kids, three gestational diabetes pregnancies.  Your chances of getting any diabetes after one goes up 10%, after 2, 30% and after 3?  Like 50%.  When they tell you that you will likely get it later in life there's no telling how far later.  My youngest is turning 4 years old next month.  This sucks!  So now instead I only have to eat a certain way for a couple of months is now a lifetime.  Right now it feels like an uphill battle but I know I can do this.  My angry at myself impatient with myself self will have to get over this and keep on keeping on.

So now I'm on Metformin.  Hate it!  Makes me feel like I have the flu without actually having it.  The intestinal cramps have been the worst. I don't like that I easily get dehydrated either living in St Louis summers is gonna be rough.   I keep telling myself this too shall pass.  Well this part of it.  Once my body is used to the meds I won't feel the side effects as bad.  The diabetes even when my blood sugar does better is a permanent fixture.  I will live as if I have it even if the levels recover and my pancreas comes out of hiding.  Believe it or not.  It's not the disease or having hypothyroid or other stupid ailments that's making me mad.  It's me.

In our lives we are always faced with choices and consequences.  Good choice= good consequence it isn't rocket science.  But I know a million different things I could have done and even if I still ended up here I would have been able to say I tried my best.  But I didn't.  Really sucks when the person you realize you're hurting is yourself.  All this time.  Silly little things that add up.  I have no one to blame but me.

BUT.  Even so.  I am blessed.  I'm a fighter.  Without all those trials I had to suffer through in childhood I never would have learned to be such a good fighter.  That level of determination is key in survival.  It's an uphill battle, will take a lifetime to fight, but I'm for it.  And when I'm not?  The Lord and my family and friends will have my back.  I need all the support I can get.  Encouragement to succeed.  Inspiration to endure.  Bring it on!