I wish I had joined the circus somedays, then I'd get paid for this juggling act called Motherhood. As it is I'm a stay at home Mom who is up at the crack of dawn to make sure her kids are ready for the day, which of course hah they never are, and do my best not to exclude my husband whilst busy with our preschooler and send him off for his busy day as well. I have a million chores that seem to pile up constanly ie: the laundry I need a forklift at this point. Despite giving our teenagers chores ( groan, whine, complain : I'd rather do them myself and not pay them allowance so I don't have to listen to it anymore) nothing ever seems to be done around here. It can be kinda overwhelming at times.
On top of that you add the insecurities, ah there are so many. The I wear sweat pants and a pony tail too often my husband is insane for staying with me, the look at the wrinkles and grey hair I can't afford to go to the salon every week for 'maintenance' all I can afford is a bottle of 'anti wrinkle' cream that makes me feel like I'm at least trying and a shower. Massage? What's that? I get my massage in bed with restless sleeping hubby and scared preschooler sleeping sideways and trying to kick me off the bed. Good times. One of my favorites is by the end of the day I'm so tired my husband and kids must think I've been replaced by a zombie. Then there is I'm a failure as a mother, look at the woman all put together and her kids fairly well behaved, she looks so immaculate why can't I manage that everyday?
Motherhood is full time work without pay or vacations. The family that 'employs' me ( mine ) love to give orders and reminders and late notices. I forgot my lunch can you put money in my lunch account, I'm too tired to do my chores I'll do them tomorrow ( stinky dishes are not something I can stand ew), Mom I need to buy this that and the other and it can't wait ( store closes in 10 minutes). But I do it. I love the smiles on their faces. I love that someday they'll remember me in their lives fondly ( I hope) for all the things I've tried to do for them. Makes me feel good to show effort and be an example that you never give up, even though some days my bathtub looks like a really cozy place to hide for a week with ear plugs and a bag of cheetos.
I'm forever nervous, my eternal worry, that I'm messing up. Forget 'royally' I don't think that word can convey how vast of a screw up I see myself as. I hate that feeling that despite my best efforts of teaching them all I can, raising them right, giving them everything I have to offer, it won't be enough.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Friday, September 5, 2014
Reflection
I'm sure at several points in your life you've wanted to stop yourself from making that mistake, or dating that guy, or even wanted to encourage yourself to continue on that path don't wander off or no don't change your decision about that college course it's the way you need to go.
Most of us at some point will look back at our former selves and think to ourselves I shouldn't have done that or if I had only chose differently. Regrets. We also, some of us, find ourselves thinking about regrets and coming to the realization that we can't take it back or change it necessarily. Time only moves forward. Which is the direction we should all be headed anyway. If you're looking back you can't move forward. That's where forgiveness comes in. Even for the little things and boy do they add up over time.
Hopefully we don't hold grudges or speak evil of others just because we're bored or we can't let it go. Such a waste of valuable time that we could be using serving others in our families, neighborhoods, communities, world. I think even smiling at someone is an act of service. It can change a person's day that desperately needed just one person to make eye contact with them and smile letting them know they're not invisible in this world. That they are seen. That they are of value and worth to someone. That someone can be you.
For me forgiving others is easy. I am still struggling, for the most part, forgiving myself. Recently when I look around I see consequences. Permanent consequences to decisions that I made earlier in life that might not have been the best choices for me. But, wishful thinking on the reversal of such things isn't possible. So how can I change that? Where do I start?
I started by verbalizing how I felt. Not just about how things have turned out for me in just about every aspect of my life but how I feel about myself as a person in the world. How I see me. How I think others see me. How I want to be seen. Regrets are hard. I hate to focus on them but I admit lately I can't seem to rid myself of them. Please if you're reading this don't do it. It becomes it's own regret lol.
I had a breakthrough finally. Emotionally anyways. I am finally at a point where I can look back and say it's ok. Most of that stuff will fall by the wayside and isn't as consequential as I originally thought. Don't get me wrong, as a christian I am still a firm believer in the art of true repentance. I do it often. That reminds me I need some knee pads. Forgiving ourselves is the hardest part. Letting what we did go. You can only apologize and offer to fix things so much, even to others, before you have to say well I've done all I can think of with this it's time to move on. Hopefully we apply restitution when we try and fix our mistakes not just with others but with ourselves. It's not enough to say I'm sorry on it's own. It's necessary to say what can I do to fix this and do whatever you can that feels right to you. It's necessary to allow yourself to be forgiven even if at the moment you feel unworthy of it. It's necessary to forgive and forsake the mistake doing everything humanly possible not to repeat it. It's necessary to forgive yourself and move on.
I feel so calm and peaceful today. First time in I don't know how long. Without forgiveness comes judgement and anger and I just want no part of that. I believe in inspiring, encouraging, and loving kindness. I believe in being silly, having fun, letting the little things go when I can. I believe that my time is spent more wisely on my family and friends. Serving others with all I have. Best medicine and cure for anything bothering you is to throw yourself into service. Forget yourself. Very healing. Do what you can when you can. I believe in being honest as much as possible with the occasional tongue bite, with that one I think it depends on how long someone or something's been bothering you.
May you all find your happiness, your true happiness, and pursue it. Living out loud doesn't have to be complicated if anything it shouldn't be. Keep it simple.
Most of us at some point will look back at our former selves and think to ourselves I shouldn't have done that or if I had only chose differently. Regrets. We also, some of us, find ourselves thinking about regrets and coming to the realization that we can't take it back or change it necessarily. Time only moves forward. Which is the direction we should all be headed anyway. If you're looking back you can't move forward. That's where forgiveness comes in. Even for the little things and boy do they add up over time.
Hopefully we don't hold grudges or speak evil of others just because we're bored or we can't let it go. Such a waste of valuable time that we could be using serving others in our families, neighborhoods, communities, world. I think even smiling at someone is an act of service. It can change a person's day that desperately needed just one person to make eye contact with them and smile letting them know they're not invisible in this world. That they are seen. That they are of value and worth to someone. That someone can be you.
For me forgiving others is easy. I am still struggling, for the most part, forgiving myself. Recently when I look around I see consequences. Permanent consequences to decisions that I made earlier in life that might not have been the best choices for me. But, wishful thinking on the reversal of such things isn't possible. So how can I change that? Where do I start?
I started by verbalizing how I felt. Not just about how things have turned out for me in just about every aspect of my life but how I feel about myself as a person in the world. How I see me. How I think others see me. How I want to be seen. Regrets are hard. I hate to focus on them but I admit lately I can't seem to rid myself of them. Please if you're reading this don't do it. It becomes it's own regret lol.
I had a breakthrough finally. Emotionally anyways. I am finally at a point where I can look back and say it's ok. Most of that stuff will fall by the wayside and isn't as consequential as I originally thought. Don't get me wrong, as a christian I am still a firm believer in the art of true repentance. I do it often. That reminds me I need some knee pads. Forgiving ourselves is the hardest part. Letting what we did go. You can only apologize and offer to fix things so much, even to others, before you have to say well I've done all I can think of with this it's time to move on. Hopefully we apply restitution when we try and fix our mistakes not just with others but with ourselves. It's not enough to say I'm sorry on it's own. It's necessary to say what can I do to fix this and do whatever you can that feels right to you. It's necessary to allow yourself to be forgiven even if at the moment you feel unworthy of it. It's necessary to forgive and forsake the mistake doing everything humanly possible not to repeat it. It's necessary to forgive yourself and move on.
I feel so calm and peaceful today. First time in I don't know how long. Without forgiveness comes judgement and anger and I just want no part of that. I believe in inspiring, encouraging, and loving kindness. I believe in being silly, having fun, letting the little things go when I can. I believe that my time is spent more wisely on my family and friends. Serving others with all I have. Best medicine and cure for anything bothering you is to throw yourself into service. Forget yourself. Very healing. Do what you can when you can. I believe in being honest as much as possible with the occasional tongue bite, with that one I think it depends on how long someone or something's been bothering you.
May you all find your happiness, your true happiness, and pursue it. Living out loud doesn't have to be complicated if anything it shouldn't be. Keep it simple.
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