I wish I had joined the circus somedays, then I'd get paid for this juggling act called Motherhood. As it is I'm a stay at home Mom who is up at the crack of dawn to make sure her kids are ready for the day, which of course hah they never are, and do my best not to exclude my husband whilst busy with our preschooler and send him off for his busy day as well. I have a million chores that seem to pile up constanly ie: the laundry I need a forklift at this point. Despite giving our teenagers chores ( groan, whine, complain : I'd rather do them myself and not pay them allowance so I don't have to listen to it anymore) nothing ever seems to be done around here. It can be kinda overwhelming at times.
On top of that you add the insecurities, ah there are so many. The I wear sweat pants and a pony tail too often my husband is insane for staying with me, the look at the wrinkles and grey hair I can't afford to go to the salon every week for 'maintenance' all I can afford is a bottle of 'anti wrinkle' cream that makes me feel like I'm at least trying and a shower. Massage? What's that? I get my massage in bed with restless sleeping hubby and scared preschooler sleeping sideways and trying to kick me off the bed. Good times. One of my favorites is by the end of the day I'm so tired my husband and kids must think I've been replaced by a zombie. Then there is I'm a failure as a mother, look at the woman all put together and her kids fairly well behaved, she looks so immaculate why can't I manage that everyday?
Motherhood is full time work without pay or vacations. The family that 'employs' me ( mine ) love to give orders and reminders and late notices. I forgot my lunch can you put money in my lunch account, I'm too tired to do my chores I'll do them tomorrow ( stinky dishes are not something I can stand ew), Mom I need to buy this that and the other and it can't wait ( store closes in 10 minutes). But I do it. I love the smiles on their faces. I love that someday they'll remember me in their lives fondly ( I hope) for all the things I've tried to do for them. Makes me feel good to show effort and be an example that you never give up, even though some days my bathtub looks like a really cozy place to hide for a week with ear plugs and a bag of cheetos.
I'm forever nervous, my eternal worry, that I'm messing up. Forget 'royally' I don't think that word can convey how vast of a screw up I see myself as. I hate that feeling that despite my best efforts of teaching them all I can, raising them right, giving them everything I have to offer, it won't be enough.
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