Over the largest portion of my life I've been confrontational. If someone hurt me I'd hurt them back or at least embarrass them for it by making sure everyone knew about it. If someone gossiped about me I'd get them back in creative ways, small rumors, get them to confide in me tell me dirty secrets so I could expose them later. Sneaky I know. Then I had children. When they're really little you don't really think about how you're acting. I was even one of those, just lie to them about it the truth will just hurt their feelings. But by hiding those things it would end up hurting them more and then I'd be blamed the whole, why didn't you tell me if you knew.
For about a year and a half after I divorced at the age of 25 yes that's right and a three year marriage, oh I know but trust me it took courage and was the best thing for us, I sort of disappeared. I hid from the world, from friends, from family. I just was tired of being hurt, tired of confronting it all, exhausted from all the backstabbing crap. Just didn't want to be a part of any of it anymore. I wanted peace. I wanted to heal. I needed to find my own strength. It was through this period of my life that I received guidance from "the written word" and prayer. It gave me time to mourn, time to regroup whilst raising two babies on my own ( literally both still in diapers), and time to think.
The best part was time to think. I rarely answered my phone or door. I rarely left the house. I refused to be pushed in any capacity by anyone no matter how well they thought they knew me. I wanted to take everything up to that point and get rid of it. And I did. I considered my own upbringing and examples of others throughout my life to decide how I wanted my children to be raised. I went through all the finances I was left with which was next to nothing to discipline myself financially to be able to keep going. I considered what I really wanted out of life. My life. I realize that we all want others to agree with us in some form so that we can all be besties sometimes but it's important to be you , there's no one else like you out there.
It's been really hard ever since. I choose to love people despite their cruelties to myself or others. Doesn't mean I don't feel disappointment. I choose to love myself despite my imperfections and even find some of my imperfections entertaining at times. I choose to be careful what I share with the world. When things are precious to me, certain talents and abilities, I am particular when and with whom I share them. I am still working on that, I shouldn't be hiding musical gifts or any talents that I have from anyone but I've been burned by so many in these departments I fear other than my immediate family and those I grew up with, the world will never know. I choose to help in any way I can but I also acknowledge free will and sometimes when I offer to help when I see a need it's refused and I have to accept that. I choose to be friendly to all and forgive quickly. Life is too short to waste on a grudge or gossip so I simply prefer not to.
Although I choose to be patient and have worked on that the most over the years I'm also not afraid to stand up for what's right even if others around me don't see it that way. I know what I know. I have experienced plenty and I have lived a rather tough life that's taught me a lot about myself and what the Lord expects from me. He didn't say oh don't worry about it if you make a mistake that would make the Atonement insignificant. He says come unto me all ye that are heavy laden, burdened with mistakes, and if we do it right and we forsake the behavior, we receive his justice and mercy. I really love that about Him. I don't take that for granted. I believe in restitution. Trying to fix the mistake not just abandoning it.
I choose to learn all I can about the world around me. I find myself somedays pouring over books, internet articles, lesson plans to find out more. Whatever strikes my fancy at the time. Mostly I've learned to live and let God. There are always going to be people in this world that wish to do me and my family harm whether by their words or deeds it is the same. I am often prompted to let them say and do what they want because He is fully aware of it and He will take care of what He needs to and in some cases allows them to condemn themselves. That doesn't mean we sit and do nothing. It means we take the time to observe the situation, do what we can and leave the rest to Him. The trick is when you've done all you can, letting go of it. Sometimes the attitude of , well that's their problem, isn't exactly letting it go. It means you are done with it, you will keep trying if you can, but for the most part you accept the outcome for the time being and will continue on with your life forgiving the pain or frustration you felt from others.
Still learning. The older I get and more I learn the more I realize that the only way you can grow leaps and bounds is through baby steps. Line upon line, precept upon precept. Acknowledging that everyone learns at their own pace and everyone has free will. I love having a family that is on this journey with me, learning and growing with me. It's amazing what your kids can teach you isn't it?
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Uplifted
In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints we are privileged to hear from our leaders when they speak to us from church headquarters to uplift and edify us, encouraging us to keep going, keep believing, keep trying to be the kind of examples Christ would want us to be. It's a great reminder to have and they speak with experience and conviction and a great understanding of the world's current events as well as the gospel of Jesus Christ. Their testimonies are brilliant and their words shine with the light of Christ.
When you read the news lately, it's disheartening to say the least. Natural disasters leaving so many in troubled circumstances, thankfully we have a wonderful Church that has an internationally known humanitarian program that aids as quickly as possible to so many and to their utmost capacity. You see war and rumors of war escalating world wide and forcing the world to take notice and act collectively to resolve it draining all of funds and resources in the process and unfortunately sometimes having no impact. Disheartening is definitely the right word.
Through it all, however, there is hope. Possibilities. Opportunities. There is always something we can do, always. Never feel helpless but make sure you assess the situation carefully. If you choose to donate funding to organizations that can get to these grieving and sometimes destitute individuals make sure you do a company check to see that your money is actually being spent on proper aid and not administration bonuses. If that's not enough, some organizations will ask for specific items to be sent you could organize through your churches or schools a way to gather the materials needed and donate them to the organization. Again make sure these items are being administered properly by checking on this company.
Sometimes I can't donate money, or time, or materials. But I do have a powerful tool that I know works well. Prayer. I have seen miracles happen when large groups of people, from many faiths, come together in collective prayer for the greater good. Hard to imagine it has any effect these days but I assure you, it does. Having faith that God can conquer all, that He will deal with these matters how he sees fit is a remarkable quality. One all should desire to have. He can answer prayers in a big way that's so noticeable it cannot be denied. But He also works quietly in the hearts of men and women everywhere. He knows who is honest and forthright. He knows who is deceitful and manipulative. It's much easier for Him to sort it out than for us to judge or come to ill fated conclusions. Prayer works. I believe in that. Psalms 66:20 "Blessed be God, which hath not turned away my prayer, nor his mercy from me."
During this General Conference, we also are reminded about our commitments to following the commandments of God and the blessings and rewards that come with that if we obey. It is too easy sometimes to justify those commandments within ourselves to be exempt from them but I assure you no one is exempt from the eye of God, nor his judgments, nor his laws. If we repent, proper and true repentance through faith, prayer, and obedience to God's laws we receive His mercy and Jesus Christs' atonement is sufficient for us to be forgiven as long as we are humble, make restitution and forsake the sin. D&C 24:2 "Nevertheless, thou art not excusable in thy transgressions, nevertheless, go they way and sin no more". Restitution is vital. If you have wronged another confession is the first step but you must also find a way or at least offer a way to make it right between you. You can't just keep it between you and the Lord, He'll know you haven't made an effort to apologize to the offended party, nor have you tried to repair any damage caused. Awkward and scary sometimes restitution, but important to your understanding and personal growth.
Mostly what I love about General Conference is the knowledge that I can begin again. It's like a spiritual recharge, a jolt of light. Although like most things in life, it is what you make it or choose to allow it to be. The reminder that we are children of a Heavenly Father who loves us, who misses us from His presence. The reminder that we are all on an equal playing field despite our circumstances in life to receive His counsel and blessings. That we are capable or incapable of personal knowledge of Jesus Christ based on what we choose. We all have the choice to follow or not to follow. To love Him, respect and acknowledge Him and keep his commandments, or not to. Matthew 6:24 "No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon." Mammon is an Aramaic word that means 'riches'. You cannot serve God and be worldly. This always makes me think about the tv I watch, the music I listen to, the books I read or if I'm living beyond my means for the sake of 'pretty things' in my home or closet. Do I have excess? Do I share that excess with those who are poor or in need when I don't need them? Am I charitable with my possessions and my time? Do I live the commandments of God the way He has presented them to the world or do I pick and choose which ones to listen to? In Exodus in the old testament we read:
When you read the news lately, it's disheartening to say the least. Natural disasters leaving so many in troubled circumstances, thankfully we have a wonderful Church that has an internationally known humanitarian program that aids as quickly as possible to so many and to their utmost capacity. You see war and rumors of war escalating world wide and forcing the world to take notice and act collectively to resolve it draining all of funds and resources in the process and unfortunately sometimes having no impact. Disheartening is definitely the right word.
Through it all, however, there is hope. Possibilities. Opportunities. There is always something we can do, always. Never feel helpless but make sure you assess the situation carefully. If you choose to donate funding to organizations that can get to these grieving and sometimes destitute individuals make sure you do a company check to see that your money is actually being spent on proper aid and not administration bonuses. If that's not enough, some organizations will ask for specific items to be sent you could organize through your churches or schools a way to gather the materials needed and donate them to the organization. Again make sure these items are being administered properly by checking on this company.
Sometimes I can't donate money, or time, or materials. But I do have a powerful tool that I know works well. Prayer. I have seen miracles happen when large groups of people, from many faiths, come together in collective prayer for the greater good. Hard to imagine it has any effect these days but I assure you, it does. Having faith that God can conquer all, that He will deal with these matters how he sees fit is a remarkable quality. One all should desire to have. He can answer prayers in a big way that's so noticeable it cannot be denied. But He also works quietly in the hearts of men and women everywhere. He knows who is honest and forthright. He knows who is deceitful and manipulative. It's much easier for Him to sort it out than for us to judge or come to ill fated conclusions. Prayer works. I believe in that. Psalms 66:20 "Blessed be God, which hath not turned away my prayer, nor his mercy from me."
During this General Conference, we also are reminded about our commitments to following the commandments of God and the blessings and rewards that come with that if we obey. It is too easy sometimes to justify those commandments within ourselves to be exempt from them but I assure you no one is exempt from the eye of God, nor his judgments, nor his laws. If we repent, proper and true repentance through faith, prayer, and obedience to God's laws we receive His mercy and Jesus Christs' atonement is sufficient for us to be forgiven as long as we are humble, make restitution and forsake the sin. D&C 24:2 "Nevertheless, thou art not excusable in thy transgressions, nevertheless, go they way and sin no more". Restitution is vital. If you have wronged another confession is the first step but you must also find a way or at least offer a way to make it right between you. You can't just keep it between you and the Lord, He'll know you haven't made an effort to apologize to the offended party, nor have you tried to repair any damage caused. Awkward and scary sometimes restitution, but important to your understanding and personal growth.
Mostly what I love about General Conference is the knowledge that I can begin again. It's like a spiritual recharge, a jolt of light. Although like most things in life, it is what you make it or choose to allow it to be. The reminder that we are children of a Heavenly Father who loves us, who misses us from His presence. The reminder that we are all on an equal playing field despite our circumstances in life to receive His counsel and blessings. That we are capable or incapable of personal knowledge of Jesus Christ based on what we choose. We all have the choice to follow or not to follow. To love Him, respect and acknowledge Him and keep his commandments, or not to. Matthew 6:24 "No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon." Mammon is an Aramaic word that means 'riches'. You cannot serve God and be worldly. This always makes me think about the tv I watch, the music I listen to, the books I read or if I'm living beyond my means for the sake of 'pretty things' in my home or closet. Do I have excess? Do I share that excess with those who are poor or in need when I don't need them? Am I charitable with my possessions and my time? Do I live the commandments of God the way He has presented them to the world or do I pick and choose which ones to listen to? In Exodus in the old testament we read:
2 I am the Lord thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.
4 Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth:
5 Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of thefathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me;
7 Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.
10 But the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God: in itthou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thystranger that is within thy gates:
11 For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Lordblessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.
12 ¶Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be longupon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.
17 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour’s.
He doesn't say these words are suggestions. He commands them. Thou shalt is not saying optional. You either obey them or you don't. There are consequences either way. I prefer to do my best to receive good consequences of blessings and knowedge but even I fall short sometimes. That's where the atonement of Jesus Christ comes in. I can repent. I can acknowledge that I have made mistakes and try to fix what I can in them and try my best never to repeat it. I must be honest with myself on this and not be too harsh on myself if I don't get it right away but I must also show true effort and remain humble. The blessings will always come.
I have a testimony of these things that they are true. I have not only studied them throughout my entire life but I have lived them and not lived them and I can testify to you all that living them is remarkably better. He never said it would be easy, He only said it would be worth it. God bless.
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