Over the largest portion of my life I've been confrontational. If someone hurt me I'd hurt them back or at least embarrass them for it by making sure everyone knew about it. If someone gossiped about me I'd get them back in creative ways, small rumors, get them to confide in me tell me dirty secrets so I could expose them later. Sneaky I know. Then I had children. When they're really little you don't really think about how you're acting. I was even one of those, just lie to them about it the truth will just hurt their feelings. But by hiding those things it would end up hurting them more and then I'd be blamed the whole, why didn't you tell me if you knew.
For about a year and a half after I divorced at the age of 25 yes that's right and a three year marriage, oh I know but trust me it took courage and was the best thing for us, I sort of disappeared. I hid from the world, from friends, from family. I just was tired of being hurt, tired of confronting it all, exhausted from all the backstabbing crap. Just didn't want to be a part of any of it anymore. I wanted peace. I wanted to heal. I needed to find my own strength. It was through this period of my life that I received guidance from "the written word" and prayer. It gave me time to mourn, time to regroup whilst raising two babies on my own ( literally both still in diapers), and time to think.
The best part was time to think. I rarely answered my phone or door. I rarely left the house. I refused to be pushed in any capacity by anyone no matter how well they thought they knew me. I wanted to take everything up to that point and get rid of it. And I did. I considered my own upbringing and examples of others throughout my life to decide how I wanted my children to be raised. I went through all the finances I was left with which was next to nothing to discipline myself financially to be able to keep going. I considered what I really wanted out of life. My life. I realize that we all want others to agree with us in some form so that we can all be besties sometimes but it's important to be you , there's no one else like you out there.
It's been really hard ever since. I choose to love people despite their cruelties to myself or others. Doesn't mean I don't feel disappointment. I choose to love myself despite my imperfections and even find some of my imperfections entertaining at times. I choose to be careful what I share with the world. When things are precious to me, certain talents and abilities, I am particular when and with whom I share them. I am still working on that, I shouldn't be hiding musical gifts or any talents that I have from anyone but I've been burned by so many in these departments I fear other than my immediate family and those I grew up with, the world will never know. I choose to help in any way I can but I also acknowledge free will and sometimes when I offer to help when I see a need it's refused and I have to accept that. I choose to be friendly to all and forgive quickly. Life is too short to waste on a grudge or gossip so I simply prefer not to.
Although I choose to be patient and have worked on that the most over the years I'm also not afraid to stand up for what's right even if others around me don't see it that way. I know what I know. I have experienced plenty and I have lived a rather tough life that's taught me a lot about myself and what the Lord expects from me. He didn't say oh don't worry about it if you make a mistake that would make the Atonement insignificant. He says come unto me all ye that are heavy laden, burdened with mistakes, and if we do it right and we forsake the behavior, we receive his justice and mercy. I really love that about Him. I don't take that for granted. I believe in restitution. Trying to fix the mistake not just abandoning it.
I choose to learn all I can about the world around me. I find myself somedays pouring over books, internet articles, lesson plans to find out more. Whatever strikes my fancy at the time. Mostly I've learned to live and let God. There are always going to be people in this world that wish to do me and my family harm whether by their words or deeds it is the same. I am often prompted to let them say and do what they want because He is fully aware of it and He will take care of what He needs to and in some cases allows them to condemn themselves. That doesn't mean we sit and do nothing. It means we take the time to observe the situation, do what we can and leave the rest to Him. The trick is when you've done all you can, letting go of it. Sometimes the attitude of , well that's their problem, isn't exactly letting it go. It means you are done with it, you will keep trying if you can, but for the most part you accept the outcome for the time being and will continue on with your life forgiving the pain or frustration you felt from others.
Still learning. The older I get and more I learn the more I realize that the only way you can grow leaps and bounds is through baby steps. Line upon line, precept upon precept. Acknowledging that everyone learns at their own pace and everyone has free will. I love having a family that is on this journey with me, learning and growing with me. It's amazing what your kids can teach you isn't it?
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