Where I Stand

In the past month I have had many great experiences and many hard experiences and seen growth from both types of events.  It's like a new door has opened that I hadn't noticed before and now I am able to explore it.  I am being pushed in ways that I have always managed to escape before but now stand fast to accept.

I think it's a natural thing to try and avoid things we don't think we should have to endure.  It's a natural thing to avoid things we fear as well.  I am learning to endure both.  If I avoid such things I only prolong their eventual return.  So rather than walk around the stumbling blocks or ignore them I am learning to better examine them and do my best to address them.  Not everyone always gets along.  But it's important to apologize and it's important to forgive.  If one sentence, one thought gets held over my head my entire life, it's hard to then look at all the other things I've said and done.  It distresses me greatly that some people I have encountered throughout my entire life will simply never know me.  That there is good in me.  That's always bothered me a great deal but I am learning to manage that.  I am not here to impress man.  I am here to please God.  Forgive others.  Learn.

He knows me, my heart, my thoughts and my intentions.  He accepts my apologies and forgives me.  He knows that I, like all other mankind, am flawed and I strive to do what is right.  For that I am eternally grateful.  He's blessed me with earthly parents that are welcoming and accepting to any and all in whatever circumstance.  They are forgiving and loving and kind with great senses of humor the pair of them.  For that too, I am grateful.  He's blessed me with three beautiful children to test my limits and abilities.  To increase my patience and also learn from.  All three of them are unique, bright, sensitive and hard working children and for them I owe everything.

I have been thrust into situations that feel so far out of my comfort zone I've lost my North altogether.  Yet instead of feeling completely lost, I see the knowledge and experience that can be gained and the importance that it will have on my life and on the lives of those around me.  My fear, is failing me.  I never thought I'd be able to say that.  My faith is growing as is my confidence.

I started going back to school about a month ago.  In these classes once a week we become the teachers.  Speaking in public terrifies me.  I have spoken up and participated when I'd rather shy away.  I've worked with many others learning from their thoughts, ideas and knowledge which has stretched my own.  This week, I have to teach.  I want to be terrified, I should be.  But somehow, I feel comforted.  Confident.  Hopeful.  Even excited.

He is pushing my limits to succeed in personal goals that have long since sat on the shelf.  For that, I am grateful.