I hate when you buy things that you think you need and then give it maybe two weeks you've forgotten all about it and where you've put it. If you put it 'away' drawer, closet or what have you easier to forget. Then when someone asks you about it oh yeah that thing I bought let me find it to show you. Now where did I put it?
Alot of things feel that way to me. The out of sight out of mind canundrum. I still find hiding places for Christmas presents, just because presents, even last year's Easter. I hide it away so no one can find it and then when I need it, it's gone, missing, someone stole it, someone else moved it around to annoy me. Sometimes that even happens with people in your life. When you're not around it's easier to forget you. To forget others. Of course we eventually wonder but we put those things away. I've been doing that to myself. Not things. Me. If I put away who I really am and hide the things I love about myself to "protect" them, after awhile I forget they're there. They become lost to me. Talents, abilities, memories.
The sad thing is when I start to bring them out again they're rusty dusty messes. I forget to let myself shine on the things I'm good at sometimes. Do you do that? Feel inadequate or stupid for being good at something just because everyone else around the table is talking about how bad they are at it? I've even brought up that I'm good at something everyone else was complaining about and got laughed at right there on the spot because they automatically assumed I was lying or they're impossibilities have to be my impossibilities. Confuses me really. I always admire people that are strong at the things I'm weakest at. I'm not afraid to say that to them hopefully they accept the compliment.
I feel uncomfortable too with compliments especially when all I can think about is oops I didn't mean to do it that way glad it worked out hope no one noticed. I get genuine feedback and not so genuine feedback and sometimes the person is so good with their compliments I can't tell which is which! Diamond or Zirconia. I really wish I hadn't have put some of these things away in a drawer. When I was younger I thought they were annoying to others and so I put them away. Now I look at them and they were beautiful parts of me that I still struggle, out of sheer habit now, to reignite.
Cuts me to the core. My sore spot. Musical talents and abilities. I have been blessed with so many of them. Just because of a couple of comments I won't even sing in the shower or out loud with my mp3 player on anymore. I've been singing in choirs and competitions my whole life. I finally thought after hiding in the back of the closet that I would dust it off. It's not the same but improving, and I am determined to find my way back to all these instruments including my voice the best I can. But the fact that somethings I've loved so deeply I chose to remove from myself, haunts me. It's like my own personal hell. Hard to fix it when it's you vs you. Knowing that you allowed this to happen, chose it, accepted it.
Please, be who you are. There will always be people who will love and accept you even if it's not the whole world. Let your inner self shine and put the awkward inadequacies away. There is more freedom in taking criticism and being true to yourself, than putting those things away to 'fit in'. Don't ever be something you're not. There's only one you. Be that.
Monday, April 28, 2014
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Twilight Zone
That alternate reality that you experience when everything you think you know to be true is tested or revoked in ways that you can't predict or expect and yet it happens. Everything seems to go upside down even if only for a confusing moment or two where you feel like you are in an alternate universe and this isn't your life. But it is. Mirror still shows your face, you still hear your own voice and yet not real.
I was yelled at and silenced by someone who loves me in such an odd way that I'm still trying to comprehend what happened and while it was happening I'm not sure that I really noticed. Bizarre right makes no sense? Exactly! I couldn't get a word in edgewise and was talked over and silenced at every turn. Where once my opinion or knowledge seemed relevant it apparently wasn't not even an and or a the was accepted. I like two way conversations vs the monologue. I don't even like it when the monologue is my own I feel like I'm standing on the edge of the cliff and if I say the wrong thing will be pushed over the edge by people in disgust that I didn't say it better or say what they wanted to hear. Still with a smile on my face I carried on without worry or notice of consequence. I always find a way to enjoy whatever I'm doing and when I try and try again and can no longer find any joy I rant and rave and have a temporary temper tantrum and move on. Nice and simple. This situation was just plain weird to me not so nice and simple at all. I'd rather just forget the whole thing but the Twilight Zone in my head won't shut up about it. Analyzing it over and over again because it doesn't understand.
When I'm in a really good mood or even just a basically good mood I have a bubbly personality. I like to joke around, make fun of myself, tease others to no extreme and laugh. You can always tell when I'm confused or upset or bored because I don't have anything to say. I barely even think if I can help it and if we are leaning on upset you will never hear the insults firing off in my head they're too good to share. Only an elite few ever hear them and they love me anyways, sometimes because of it. I am entertaining that way.
My daughter had her yearly doctor's appointment with the available doctor at the office not our regular one. Her chart is right there in front of him he asked her basic questions, not sure if he discussed height or weight or nutrition or anything important. I do know that he didn't ask her about seizures and did mention vaccinations without explaining what they were or what they were for to her so I'm sitting in the waiting room with my 4 year old keeping her occupied and ten minutes later discovered that I wasted twenty bucks on doctor do little. We are just adding to the weird, stupid, common sense has died moments of my last few days.
Have you ever walked into a room and realized that people are talking about you? Sure you have everyone has! If you haven't then you haven't done anything worthy of being talked about yet and you are sooooo far behind by the time you hit Junior High you should have had at least one really good best friend betrayal notch on your belt. The last time I was in this room there were genuine smiles, sparkly eyes, laughter and interesting conversation. This time it was more like that monologue cliff I mentioned. I was standing near the edge and at first was comfortable talking but noticed faces which made the edge come closer and felt as though I was about to be pushed off, or at the very least swatted like a buzzing fly. I didn't know how to respond so what did I do? I kept talking. Pushed my way through it hoping that someone would slap one of those metal chastity belts on my mouth bolts and all. Praying for duct tape or a wired mouth at any moment that never came. I don't know what happened between the sparkly eyes and now but it didn't look good for me.
Now I can't sleep. My mind keeps going over and over everything let's see I've woken up around 3 or 4 am for the last almost week now. The crazy thing is it was an extra long Easter Weekend opportunity of sleeping in every day. Nope! Not me! I'm not in a normal realm at the moment. I'm stuck in this alternate reality where everything feels awkward and bizarre. Okay so everything already did but this is like awkward on crack. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin at the moment. Time to keep my head down and bite my tongue. I still have the insults inside my head to keep me company.
I was yelled at and silenced by someone who loves me in such an odd way that I'm still trying to comprehend what happened and while it was happening I'm not sure that I really noticed. Bizarre right makes no sense? Exactly! I couldn't get a word in edgewise and was talked over and silenced at every turn. Where once my opinion or knowledge seemed relevant it apparently wasn't not even an and or a the was accepted. I like two way conversations vs the monologue. I don't even like it when the monologue is my own I feel like I'm standing on the edge of the cliff and if I say the wrong thing will be pushed over the edge by people in disgust that I didn't say it better or say what they wanted to hear. Still with a smile on my face I carried on without worry or notice of consequence. I always find a way to enjoy whatever I'm doing and when I try and try again and can no longer find any joy I rant and rave and have a temporary temper tantrum and move on. Nice and simple. This situation was just plain weird to me not so nice and simple at all. I'd rather just forget the whole thing but the Twilight Zone in my head won't shut up about it. Analyzing it over and over again because it doesn't understand.
When I'm in a really good mood or even just a basically good mood I have a bubbly personality. I like to joke around, make fun of myself, tease others to no extreme and laugh. You can always tell when I'm confused or upset or bored because I don't have anything to say. I barely even think if I can help it and if we are leaning on upset you will never hear the insults firing off in my head they're too good to share. Only an elite few ever hear them and they love me anyways, sometimes because of it. I am entertaining that way.
My daughter had her yearly doctor's appointment with the available doctor at the office not our regular one. Her chart is right there in front of him he asked her basic questions, not sure if he discussed height or weight or nutrition or anything important. I do know that he didn't ask her about seizures and did mention vaccinations without explaining what they were or what they were for to her so I'm sitting in the waiting room with my 4 year old keeping her occupied and ten minutes later discovered that I wasted twenty bucks on doctor do little. We are just adding to the weird, stupid, common sense has died moments of my last few days.
Have you ever walked into a room and realized that people are talking about you? Sure you have everyone has! If you haven't then you haven't done anything worthy of being talked about yet and you are sooooo far behind by the time you hit Junior High you should have had at least one really good best friend betrayal notch on your belt. The last time I was in this room there were genuine smiles, sparkly eyes, laughter and interesting conversation. This time it was more like that monologue cliff I mentioned. I was standing near the edge and at first was comfortable talking but noticed faces which made the edge come closer and felt as though I was about to be pushed off, or at the very least swatted like a buzzing fly. I didn't know how to respond so what did I do? I kept talking. Pushed my way through it hoping that someone would slap one of those metal chastity belts on my mouth bolts and all. Praying for duct tape or a wired mouth at any moment that never came. I don't know what happened between the sparkly eyes and now but it didn't look good for me.
Now I can't sleep. My mind keeps going over and over everything let's see I've woken up around 3 or 4 am for the last almost week now. The crazy thing is it was an extra long Easter Weekend opportunity of sleeping in every day. Nope! Not me! I'm not in a normal realm at the moment. I'm stuck in this alternate reality where everything feels awkward and bizarre. Okay so everything already did but this is like awkward on crack. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin at the moment. Time to keep my head down and bite my tongue. I still have the insults inside my head to keep me company.
Monday, April 14, 2014
It's Vent Time!
Marriage has it's ups and downs. Sometimes there's stress because of health issues, or the car breaks down which you read in my last blog. Sometimes the kids out of no where start struggling in school even though they studied but we all know that happens. Then there's the added stress of upcoming important events and wanting everything just so or as perfect as I can to show my love interrupted by a stupid fight over seemingly nothing but it wasn't the nothing it was the something that came after it. Big somethings that cut very deep. Big somethings you never see coming but there it is like Muhammed Ali with big boxing glove on the end of it ready to knock your lights out and take no prisoners. The cherry could be another illness in the family after everyone just got over the last one and now that one beautiful, peaceful weekend where you just had a phenomenal twelve hour sleep is gone in the blink of an eye like a flash of lightning.
Thus, the vent. I get pressures. I do. I hate them but I understand them. The van finally fixed and home again took off tons of stress. Made everyone happy, colds almost gone. It was a wonderful thing indeed but had the lifespan of a fruit fly. Meeting new in-laws can always be stressful but I really wasn't I was looking forward to it, at first. We teamed up our family and shampooed all our carpets and scrubbed walls and floors. Felt good to work together instead of watching Mom sweat up a typhoon on her own washing walls just to mop floors with her sweat. Beauty picture isn't it? But, then, the actual event. I didn't even mind they wanted to have lunch with just Hubby because they're his family and that's awesome! Of course my family never excludes everyone always welcome but every family is different and I'm open to that.
The conversation at first was wonderful. I had a chance to ask them what they were up to, what they were interested in, things like that. But had a little trouble having a chance to introduce myself or my kids to them. See for the last ten years my husband's family, and he finds this funny, has been constantly introducing themselves to us. Story after story year after year and my husband actually suggested that I repeat the stories to their surprise so they can see yup I've met ya! I don't mind storytelling though. Sometimes they hit a sentence that they left out the first few times and it strikes my fancy and makes me laugh. At the end of all this conversating though I asked his family, whom I had just met, what do you guys know about me? Crickets. That's okay I suppose I'm really obnoxiously boring anyways. Nothing noteworthy here.
Hubby didn't like how I was ignored even though I'm fine no worries. He was shocked that no one in his family had anything to say when I asked if they knew anything about me. His Mom gave an example but it had nothing to do with anything about me just that I posted her son was sick on facebook. I guess I was really just asking to see what they knew so I could strike up a conversation. That didn't quite happen either. Tried to introduce my best friend at dinner to them with Hubby but only our nephew noticed. Aren't families great! I can understand his parents hadn't seen them since their last trip to England but I hadn't seen them ever. I guess I was just hoping to have that opportunity since they get them for weeks and we had them for hours. Maybe next time.
The sigh of relief that's done now on to other things! Son and I were watching some documentaries and I had been looking things up online about 9/11. Some interesting inconsistencies and I happened to bring them up to Hubby, who of course knows alllll about everything I just watched and read about. He's a mind reader you know, just need to get him that crystal ball and wizards hat and we're all set. Instead of what I thought was going to be an interesting discussion he came on thick with some anger about the whole subject and started complaining and yelling and I couldn't get him to stop or listen to me. That lead him to say some cut deep stuff that I never expected him to say. My reaction was shock like I'd been struck by lightening and was just noticing it happened. Then a quick it's okay he's been really busy at work and we've had a lot going on and he's been sick it's fine. But there's this thing about me I can't fix. I've spent years praying and working and worrying over it but it's just how I react and I've made my peace with that. Doesn't happen often but when it does there's nothing I can do but keep working through it 'til it's done.
When I'm hurt, truly hurt, if you really cut me and hurt my feelings, I withdraw like a wounded puppy to the dark corner and go silent. It's disturbing for people who know me well to see it because I'm usually a bubbly personality. I had this whooollleee big thing planned for our 10th wedding anniversary. It's on the 20th of this month. I figured if I did stuff on the 19th it could come as a surprise and since hubby complains he's bad at romance I could take care of that. Oh. Yeah. Wounded puppy. I wish I didn't still feel this way. He almost immediately apologized, probably from the shocked expression on my face. I just don't work that way. I have been spending days, working through it, saying this is dumb get over it, rationalizing, pushing myself to be fine. But that's not what I should be doing. If I don't give myself permission to be hurt, or sad for a day or two it makes everything worse and I end up losing faith and trust in everyone. I fight hard everyday not to.
I've done pretty well. When I put myself to work it gives me time to think. I even spent a glorious night of 12 hours of sleep processing everything that's happened the last week or two. It gets better each day but I just wish I didn't react this way. Maybe I wish that I was made of steel or didn't care as much but that would change who I am and I have this huge capacity to love, to forgive. I just have to allow it to be a process instead of expecting instant results. Recovery, from anything, takes time.
Thus, the vent. I get pressures. I do. I hate them but I understand them. The van finally fixed and home again took off tons of stress. Made everyone happy, colds almost gone. It was a wonderful thing indeed but had the lifespan of a fruit fly. Meeting new in-laws can always be stressful but I really wasn't I was looking forward to it, at first. We teamed up our family and shampooed all our carpets and scrubbed walls and floors. Felt good to work together instead of watching Mom sweat up a typhoon on her own washing walls just to mop floors with her sweat. Beauty picture isn't it? But, then, the actual event. I didn't even mind they wanted to have lunch with just Hubby because they're his family and that's awesome! Of course my family never excludes everyone always welcome but every family is different and I'm open to that.
The conversation at first was wonderful. I had a chance to ask them what they were up to, what they were interested in, things like that. But had a little trouble having a chance to introduce myself or my kids to them. See for the last ten years my husband's family, and he finds this funny, has been constantly introducing themselves to us. Story after story year after year and my husband actually suggested that I repeat the stories to their surprise so they can see yup I've met ya! I don't mind storytelling though. Sometimes they hit a sentence that they left out the first few times and it strikes my fancy and makes me laugh. At the end of all this conversating though I asked his family, whom I had just met, what do you guys know about me? Crickets. That's okay I suppose I'm really obnoxiously boring anyways. Nothing noteworthy here.
Hubby didn't like how I was ignored even though I'm fine no worries. He was shocked that no one in his family had anything to say when I asked if they knew anything about me. His Mom gave an example but it had nothing to do with anything about me just that I posted her son was sick on facebook. I guess I was really just asking to see what they knew so I could strike up a conversation. That didn't quite happen either. Tried to introduce my best friend at dinner to them with Hubby but only our nephew noticed. Aren't families great! I can understand his parents hadn't seen them since their last trip to England but I hadn't seen them ever. I guess I was just hoping to have that opportunity since they get them for weeks and we had them for hours. Maybe next time.
The sigh of relief that's done now on to other things! Son and I were watching some documentaries and I had been looking things up online about 9/11. Some interesting inconsistencies and I happened to bring them up to Hubby, who of course knows alllll about everything I just watched and read about. He's a mind reader you know, just need to get him that crystal ball and wizards hat and we're all set. Instead of what I thought was going to be an interesting discussion he came on thick with some anger about the whole subject and started complaining and yelling and I couldn't get him to stop or listen to me. That lead him to say some cut deep stuff that I never expected him to say. My reaction was shock like I'd been struck by lightening and was just noticing it happened. Then a quick it's okay he's been really busy at work and we've had a lot going on and he's been sick it's fine. But there's this thing about me I can't fix. I've spent years praying and working and worrying over it but it's just how I react and I've made my peace with that. Doesn't happen often but when it does there's nothing I can do but keep working through it 'til it's done.
When I'm hurt, truly hurt, if you really cut me and hurt my feelings, I withdraw like a wounded puppy to the dark corner and go silent. It's disturbing for people who know me well to see it because I'm usually a bubbly personality. I had this whooollleee big thing planned for our 10th wedding anniversary. It's on the 20th of this month. I figured if I did stuff on the 19th it could come as a surprise and since hubby complains he's bad at romance I could take care of that. Oh. Yeah. Wounded puppy. I wish I didn't still feel this way. He almost immediately apologized, probably from the shocked expression on my face. I just don't work that way. I have been spending days, working through it, saying this is dumb get over it, rationalizing, pushing myself to be fine. But that's not what I should be doing. If I don't give myself permission to be hurt, or sad for a day or two it makes everything worse and I end up losing faith and trust in everyone. I fight hard everyday not to.
I've done pretty well. When I put myself to work it gives me time to think. I even spent a glorious night of 12 hours of sleep processing everything that's happened the last week or two. It gets better each day but I just wish I didn't react this way. Maybe I wish that I was made of steel or didn't care as much but that would change who I am and I have this huge capacity to love, to forgive. I just have to allow it to be a process instead of expecting instant results. Recovery, from anything, takes time.
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