Twilight Zone

That alternate reality that you experience when everything you think you know to be true is tested or revoked in ways that you can't predict or expect and yet it happens.  Everything seems to go upside down even if only for a confusing moment or two where you feel like you are in an alternate universe and this isn't your life. But it is.  Mirror still shows your face, you still hear your own voice and yet not real.

I was yelled at and silenced by someone who loves me in such an odd way that I'm still trying to comprehend what happened and while it was happening I'm not sure that I really noticed.  Bizarre right makes no sense?  Exactly!  I couldn't get a word in edgewise and was talked over and silenced at every turn.  Where once my opinion or knowledge seemed relevant it apparently wasn't not even an and or a the was accepted.  I like two way conversations vs the monologue.  I don't even like it when the monologue is my own I feel like I'm standing on the edge of the cliff and if I say the wrong thing will be pushed over the edge by people in disgust that I didn't say it better or say what they wanted to hear.  Still with a smile on my face I carried on without worry or notice of consequence.  I always find a way to enjoy whatever I'm doing and when I try and try again and can no longer find any joy I rant and rave and have a temporary temper tantrum and move on.  Nice and simple.  This situation was just plain weird to me not so nice and simple at all.  I'd rather just forget the whole thing but the Twilight Zone in my head won't shut up about it.  Analyzing it over and over again because it doesn't understand.

When I'm in a really good mood or even just a basically good mood I have a bubbly personality.  I like to joke around, make fun of myself, tease others to no extreme and laugh.  You can always tell when I'm confused or upset or bored because I don't have anything to say.  I barely even think if I can help it and if we are leaning on upset you will never hear the insults firing off in my head they're too good to share.  Only an elite few ever hear them and they love me anyways, sometimes because of it.  I am entertaining that way.

My daughter had her yearly doctor's appointment with the available doctor at the office not our regular one.  Her chart is right there in front of him he asked her basic questions, not sure if he discussed height or weight or nutrition or anything important.  I do know that he didn't ask her about seizures and did mention vaccinations without explaining what they were or what they were for to her so I'm sitting in the waiting room with my 4 year old keeping her occupied and ten minutes later discovered that I wasted twenty bucks on doctor do little.  We are just adding to the weird, stupid, common sense has died moments of my last few days.

Have you ever walked into a room and realized that people are talking about you?  Sure you have everyone has!  If you haven't then you haven't done anything worthy of being talked about yet and you are sooooo far behind by the time you hit Junior High you should have had at least one really good best friend betrayal notch on your belt.  The last time I was in this room there were genuine smiles, sparkly eyes, laughter and interesting conversation.  This time it was more like that monologue cliff I mentioned.  I was standing near the edge and at first was comfortable talking but noticed faces which made the edge come closer and felt as though I was about to be pushed off, or at the very least swatted like a buzzing fly.  I didn't know how to respond so what did I do?  I kept talking.  Pushed my way through it hoping that someone would slap one of those metal chastity belts on my mouth bolts and all.  Praying for duct tape or a wired mouth at any moment that never came.  I don't know what happened between the sparkly eyes and now but it didn't look good for me.

Now I can't sleep.  My mind keeps going over and over everything let's see I've woken up around 3 or 4 am for the last almost week now.  The crazy thing is it was an extra long Easter Weekend opportunity of sleeping in every day.  Nope!  Not me!  I'm not in a normal realm at the moment.  I'm stuck in this alternate reality where everything feels awkward and bizarre.  Okay so everything already did but this is like awkward on crack.  I don't feel comfortable in my own skin at the moment.  Time to keep my head down and bite my tongue.  I still have the insults inside my head to keep me company.