It's Vent Time!

Marriage has it's ups and downs.  Sometimes there's stress because of health issues, or the car breaks down which you read in my last blog.  Sometimes the kids out of no where start struggling in school even though they studied but we all know that happens.  Then there's the added stress of upcoming important events and wanting everything just so or as perfect as I can to show my love interrupted by a stupid fight over seemingly nothing but it wasn't the nothing it was the something that came after it.  Big somethings that cut very deep.  Big somethings you never see coming but there it is like Muhammed Ali with big boxing glove on the end of it ready to knock your lights out and take no prisoners.  The cherry could be another illness in the family after everyone just got over the last one and now that one beautiful, peaceful weekend where you just had a phenomenal twelve hour sleep is gone in the blink of an eye like a flash of lightning.

Thus, the vent.  I get pressures.  I do.  I hate them but I understand them.  The van finally fixed and home again took off tons of stress.  Made everyone happy, colds almost gone.  It was a wonderful thing indeed but had the lifespan of a fruit fly.  Meeting new in-laws can always be stressful but I really wasn't I was looking forward to it, at first.  We teamed up our family and shampooed all our carpets and scrubbed walls and floors.  Felt good to work together instead of watching Mom sweat up a typhoon on her own washing walls just to mop floors with her sweat.  Beauty picture isn't it?  But, then, the actual event.  I didn't even mind they wanted to have lunch with just Hubby because they're his family and that's awesome!  Of course my family never excludes everyone always welcome but every family is different and I'm open to that.

The conversation at first was wonderful.  I had a chance to ask them what they were up to, what they were interested in, things like that.  But had a little trouble having a chance to introduce myself or my kids to them.  See for the last ten years my husband's family, and he finds this funny, has been constantly introducing themselves to us.  Story after story year after year and my husband actually suggested that I repeat the stories to their surprise so they can see yup I've met ya!  I don't mind storytelling though.  Sometimes they hit a sentence that they left out the first few times and it strikes my fancy and makes me laugh.  At the end of all this conversating though I asked his family, whom I had just met, what do you guys know about me?  Crickets.  That's okay I suppose I'm really obnoxiously boring anyways.  Nothing noteworthy here.

Hubby didn't like how I was ignored even though I'm fine no worries.  He was shocked that no one in his family had anything to say when I asked if they knew anything about me.  His Mom gave an example but it had nothing to do with anything about me just that I posted her son was sick on facebook.  I guess I was really just asking to see what they knew so I could strike up a conversation.  That didn't quite happen either.  Tried to introduce my best friend at dinner to them with Hubby but only our nephew noticed.  Aren't families great!  I can understand his parents hadn't seen them since their last trip to England but I hadn't seen them ever.  I guess I was just hoping to have that opportunity since they get them for weeks and we had them for hours.  Maybe next time.

The sigh of relief that's done now on to other things!  Son and I were watching some documentaries and I had been looking things up online about 9/11.  Some interesting inconsistencies and I happened to bring them up to Hubby, who of course knows alllll about everything I just watched and read about.  He's a mind reader you know, just need to get him that crystal ball and wizards hat and we're all set.  Instead of what I thought was going to be an interesting discussion he came on thick with some anger about the whole subject and started complaining and yelling and I couldn't get him to stop or listen to me.  That lead him to say some cut deep stuff that I never expected him to say.  My reaction was shock like I'd been struck by lightening and was just noticing it happened.  Then a quick it's okay he's been really busy at work and we've had a lot going on and he's been sick it's fine.  But there's this thing about me I can't fix.  I've spent years praying and working and worrying over it but it's just how I react and I've made my peace with that.  Doesn't happen often but when it does there's nothing I can do but keep working through it 'til it's done.

When I'm hurt, truly hurt, if you really cut me and hurt my feelings, I withdraw like a wounded puppy to the dark corner and go silent.  It's disturbing for people who know me well to see it because I'm usually a bubbly personality.  I had this whooollleee big thing planned for our 10th wedding anniversary.  It's on the 20th of this month.  I figured if I did stuff on the 19th it could come as a surprise and since hubby complains he's bad at romance I could take care of that.  Oh.  Yeah.  Wounded puppy.  I wish I didn't still feel this way.  He almost immediately apologized, probably from the shocked expression on my face.  I just don't work that way.  I have been spending days, working through it, saying this is dumb get over it, rationalizing, pushing myself to be fine.  But that's not what I should be doing.  If I don't give myself permission to be hurt, or sad for a day or two it makes everything worse and I end up losing faith and trust in everyone.  I fight hard everyday not to.

I've done pretty well.  When I put myself to work it gives me time to think.  I even spent a glorious night of 12 hours of sleep processing everything that's happened the last week or two.  It gets better each day but I just wish I didn't react this way.  Maybe I wish that I was made of steel or didn't care as much but that would change who I am and I have this huge capacity to love, to forgive.  I just have to allow it to be a process instead of expecting instant results.  Recovery, from anything, takes time.