Deep Breath...Let It Go...Moving On

It's coming on summer vacation now for all my kidlets!  The pressure's on to keep them somewhat entertained, even the teenagers.  They are always thrilled to sleep in, lay on the couch and watch tv, play video games but it is short lived as they get bored quickly.  It's great to keep myself busy this way and them as well.

Sometimes, even when I'm honest, I am acutely aware that just because I take things with a grain of salt not all others do the same.  My husband's favorite three words to me when he sees that something is upsetting me, "Let it go."  For me, the best way of letting go is entertaining my mind with things to do.  There is always something that needs doing when you're a full time wife and mother.

I already have things like swimming lessons and soccer camps on my radar.  Would have loved to put our 4 year old Catie into T-Ball but by the time I thought of it the registration was closed....by one stinking day!  Typical.  Anywho to my teenagers , ah crap not that, regrets there are plenty of improvements I find to do every year on our home and yard.  They don't always pan out the way I want them to but I set out a plan do my best to execute it within limits and also being flexible to what's out there that I didn't think of and do my best to accomplish these goals.

This year I have my sights set on my basement, yet again, and my kitchen.  We have needed a new fridge for about 2 years now and have finally purchased a Kenmore side by side without the stupid water/ice thing.  Sorry but I think it's tacky unless you are really going to hook it up and even then the water always tastes weird to me.  Kenmore has a pretty high standard of durability which with children I can completely appreciate.  I plan on paining all the cabinets and redoing all the cabinet fixtures including new brackets for some.  My problem and the hold up for the last two years is deciding on a tile, backsplash, or wallpaper that I might use between my upper cabinets and my counters.  I cannot find one that I like and I have looked absolutely everywhere.  I look forward to meeting with a designer coming to our home this evening just to get some ideas!  At this point anything will do as long as it wipes easy and is stain resistant.

I also have to rearrange my basement as we are putting our old fridge, still in working condition, downstairs for what I like to call 'overflow'.  You know Thanksgiving that doesn't fit in the fridge there's no more room?  Birthday Cakes you don't want your kids to get into because it's tomorrow.  You know, that kind of stuff.  I also promised I'd go through all of our clothes downstairs with the kids who despite my willing to admit it, are nearing their college meet spouses and have babies part of their lives.  So they get first dibs and whatever they don't take and I don't save ( girls' clothing) for our youngest is either garage sale or free for all.  Personally the way the economy is I think it shows a lot more faith and gratitude in God for everything he's blessed us with to give it away free and clear.

I'm enjoying my walks, my yoga and even dancing, yes that's right dancing!  Whether or not my family is home I put on my headphones and disappear for a while.  I sweat more with dancing for 30 minutes than I do an hour of walking!  With all these projects and trying to find camps and lessons to keep my kids busy this summer it's looking great!  Hopefully we get to plan a few long weekends in their with Dad while we're at it.

The Worth of Souls

One simple comment months ago and everything became more up front, more noticeable, more obvious, more enlightened.  Kneeling in prayer the words were, "It hurts me to hear you speak of yourself that way.  You are my daugther."  Took me aback.  Wasn't expecting to hear anything but in that one second a soft sweet whisper.  I could actually feel the dissapointment.  Wasn't expecting that either.

I have been pondering it ever since.  Everything is just more obvious to me everything.  Every word, every thought, every action.  I'm quicker to feel that was wrong and apologize and also I am not easily moved when it's the truth.  I realize that sometimes hearing the truth can hurt our feelings, especially if we don't see it or agree with it right away.  It's hard to stand up for the truth sometimes.  It's even harder knowing it may sting someone you love and truly care for and hope the best for.

For years I have always felt that waging war within myself.  The why bother and the don't give up working equally as hard to convince me.  Lately there are so many more details than that.  So much more I didn't see or recognize.  For example, last week I was fed up I have been steadily losing weight and I am very guarded about that because slow and steady means it doesn't return.  Occasionally I find myself in circumstances where the temptation is all around me and it's hard to resist it.  Or I'm simple not able to eat what I should because it's not presented.  I do my best.  I was assured if I kept doing my best and concentrated on helping others that plateau of mine would cease.  My response was I'm sure less than pleasing as it was yeah right.  Such the wrong attitude right?

Mid week I thought well I'm sure nothing's happened, I'm still stuck and was thinking about stepping on the scale.  As I was walking back.  From a  neighbor's home.  Whom I had just helped out without hesitation or reward.  Then I started noticing all the other little things, to me little but not always to the recipients, that I had done every single day of that week so far.  What's funny to me is I had been having the most awful week too!  I saw myself from a different set of eyes that I'm sure I've tried to see myself from before but could never bring myself to look passed my own.

"You're right Lord", I whispered, "I have been hard on myself saying terrible things that shouldn't be said and for that I'm so sorry."  Such a beautiful and astounding feeling of peace and warmth came over me.  I am completely sure that this is will be an uphill battle, in ten feet of snow, barefoot, and carrying a brick, but I am aware now of it.  Now I can begin to walk forward again and keep trying.

You're right you're not perfect neither am I in any way.  But we try.  We set personal goals that are worth while and we keep going.  Never look back, leave it behind, there's greatness in your future if you want it.

Plagued Season

It is sooooo beautiful outside!  My eldest daughter's allergies are killing her, I can relate but I grew out of them for the most part I hope she will too.  In the meantime Claritin seems to be working for her.  My youngest four year old and I have been enjoying playing in the dirt ( planting/weeding), playing at the park with friends, and we are adding riding our bicycle.  Funnily enough doctors orders.  Our doctor Anne Hibbard is the best!  We have similar aged kids so we go through all the same stuff at the same time it's nice to relate so easily.  She suggested we put our "baby" on a two wheel and take away the tricycle so that she can get to two wheels quickly and it will be a short fall lol.  Our 4 year old is considered petite for her age however with her latest growth spurts we'll thinking that might change.  By the way the kids physicals went spectacularly!  Mom is happy all kids are happy and healthy, kids were happy no shots this time lol.

With all of this joy not all feel it.  I have learned over the years that in our families' circumstances it is better to keep moving forward than to dwell or wallow.  When we don't, we are plagued with sadness, self pity and milking the situation for all it's worth.  Granted I have two teenagers but at least they aren't pros at it.  I hope they never will be pros at the pity party.  It does no good to anyone for any reason not even yourself.  Pfft, ESPECIALLY yourself.

Sometimes we can get used to the attention when we struggle and become addicted to it.  Without noticing.  We get used to be catered to and treated well and no one will disagree that it feels good when people fawn over you and take care of you.  However, it is only meant to be a temporary fix.  To help you for a little while until you can take care of yourself.  You are expected to take care of yourself.  To be resourceful and self reliant.  After all you can't be of any service to others if you can't take care of yourself now can you.  Now having said that you can also always find a way to serve others despite your circumstances.

Stop the pity party!  Stop fixating on all the things that are wrong in your life and believe me I understand when they are blaring in your face it's hard to escape.  I'm not saying escape.  I'm saying learn to cope.  When you serve others you are more likely to forget your own trials and worries.  If you don't believe me try it for yourself and you will gain a testimony of it for yourselves.  What's worse, do not under any circumstances become dishonest about your life in any way just to keep the attention and focus on yourself and ailments.  Learn to live with them and cope with them best you can and worry about others who are in need.  Pay it forward.  You got temporary help to get you back on your feet, hopefully doing all you can to get onto your feet in the process, do it for someone else.  You know how much it meant to you to have the help make sure you pass that on and help others.  It's a lifelong cycle.  It's important that it stay a circle instead of a straight line.

It's beautiful outside!  Sunshine, warm air, everyone out walking and talking.  It WILL make you feel better.  Just get out there!  Live again!  No more pity parties!

Contented

Today I am content.  That can always change at a moment's notice but for the minute I am.  Still struggling and getting used to being physically limited.  A whole new disease means a whole new set of rules added on to the last set, but manageable.  I am still coming to terms with them, who doesn't like to do things their own way though huh?  I guess I hate it when I have no choice in the matter most.  Forced.  Hate that feeling.  However, not impossible.  Gets really tricky when I go to eat out!

Last night was a very sacred and special Anniversary for Hubby and myself.  He had a gift certificate for Olive Garden so we chose to enjoy our dinner and evening there.  Always great food we had the friendliest and most wonderful waitress loved her!  I must have sat and pouted at that menu for what seemed like forever!  Olive Garden is all about the pasta and if you have ever or currently have diabetes you have to be careful with pasta.  The portions are huge and I really wanted the steak and gorgonzola fettucine alfredo.  Don't gasp it's all ok.  I ate maybe a 1/4th of the portion and am splitting it up today so I don't overdo my carbs.  It's about total carb caloric intake more than anything and I keep track of the foods I just cannot have.  Pasta does ok with me in small amounts as long as there's plenty of veggies with it!  The steak certainly didn't hurt either.  Super delicious!  Thankyou Olive Garden!

Was nice to get to talk and laugh and reminisce and discuss work and family together just us.  There's something so special about your partner and best friend being the same person.  Can completely trust each other and tell each other anything.  There's never judgement, occasional I disagree with you, but for the most part hubby and I get along very well I love him a great deal.  It's like being a teenager all the time that young love feeling.  Probably annoyed everyone around us!(hahaha) But I don't care.  When we're together alone we enter our own universe.  It's safe and happy there I wish I could be there all the time.  We share the same sense of humor and laugh off the little annoyances in our lives, together.

I look forward to our eternity together my sweetheart.  Happy Anniversary.  Love you!