One simple comment months ago and everything became more up front, more noticeable, more obvious, more enlightened. Kneeling in prayer the words were, "It hurts me to hear you speak of yourself that way. You are my daugther." Took me aback. Wasn't expecting to hear anything but in that one second a soft sweet whisper. I could actually feel the dissapointment. Wasn't expecting that either.
I have been pondering it ever since. Everything is just more obvious to me everything. Every word, every thought, every action. I'm quicker to feel that was wrong and apologize and also I am not easily moved when it's the truth. I realize that sometimes hearing the truth can hurt our feelings, especially if we don't see it or agree with it right away. It's hard to stand up for the truth sometimes. It's even harder knowing it may sting someone you love and truly care for and hope the best for.
For years I have always felt that waging war within myself. The why bother and the don't give up working equally as hard to convince me. Lately there are so many more details than that. So much more I didn't see or recognize. For example, last week I was fed up I have been steadily losing weight and I am very guarded about that because slow and steady means it doesn't return. Occasionally I find myself in circumstances where the temptation is all around me and it's hard to resist it. Or I'm simple not able to eat what I should because it's not presented. I do my best. I was assured if I kept doing my best and concentrated on helping others that plateau of mine would cease. My response was I'm sure less than pleasing as it was yeah right. Such the wrong attitude right?
Mid week I thought well I'm sure nothing's happened, I'm still stuck and was thinking about stepping on the scale. As I was walking back. From a neighbor's home. Whom I had just helped out without hesitation or reward. Then I started noticing all the other little things, to me little but not always to the recipients, that I had done every single day of that week so far. What's funny to me is I had been having the most awful week too! I saw myself from a different set of eyes that I'm sure I've tried to see myself from before but could never bring myself to look passed my own.
"You're right Lord", I whispered, "I have been hard on myself saying terrible things that shouldn't be said and for that I'm so sorry." Such a beautiful and astounding feeling of peace and warmth came over me. I am completely sure that this is will be an uphill battle, in ten feet of snow, barefoot, and carrying a brick, but I am aware now of it. Now I can begin to walk forward again and keep trying.
You're right you're not perfect neither am I in any way. But we try. We set personal goals that are worth while and we keep going. Never look back, leave it behind, there's greatness in your future if you want it.
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