Redemption

Mistakes are so flipping easy to make.  I hate that.  I hate the feeling when you know you've made a mistake and sometimes you cannot redeem yourself from it no matter how hard you try.  Not necessarily because you haven't made the effort but occasionally because the receiving end of the apology or restitution that you offer isn't having it.  It can make you feel judged and criticized.  I'm not talking giant mistakes here either, I may have had one speeding ticket my entire life, I'm talking about things that are seemingly harmless or that you are trying to be careful with.  The truth can be tricky when no one wants to face it and sometimes the delivery is impossible when you feel compelled to be honest no matter what.

For a while now I've had this weird thing going on with me that makes no sense at all and yet there it is.  Every time I speak in public I feel stupid or I want to start over or retract entire sentences that I feel I might not have explained right or at all.  It's a ridiculous problem.  It's worse when I share things of great merit to myself that are personal or sacred things.  Incidents, memories or ideas that mean a lot to me and are dear to my heart.  I'm always afraid that someone will demean it with the way this society treats each other.  Cheapen the experience and magnitude of knowledge I may have gained.  Not that I have heard every rumor, or rude snicker, or unfounded judgement behind my back, but I know they happen.  I guess I just don't understand the point.  What good can come from that?  What purpose does it serve?  What wonderful and interesting gain can you even achieve from it?

I have been taught not to be so easily offended and on the other foot not to be afraid of offending others.  Sounds confusing right?  Sometimes it is!  But over the years, through life experiences I've kind of learned a balance.  Not that it's an easy one I assure you.  I've learned that being offended by every stranger, so called friends, or even family member that knows little to nothing about me is worthless.  They haven't been there for every light and dark hour in my life and unless they take a consistent period of time to get to know me by asking questions, listening to stories and memories or following any of my interests their opinion doesn't carry much weight.  By the same token, when it's true, it's true no matter what I do about it and me saying it outloud ( hopefully in the appropriate places) won't change that.  Being offended by fact is also worthless.  Fact is something that is occurring or has occurred.  No amount of side stepping, lying or looking the other way can change it.  I find it better, for me, to simply face it and address it as I go.

Regardless of all these wonderful lessons and assuring experiences and words of encouragement from close family and friends I definitely struggle.  Example of trying not to be offended but afraid to offend.  Our family had the opportunity to visit the St Louis Science Center.  It's a wonderful facility and once we entered it and took a look around it was like being a child in a land of wonder!  I was excited, hopefully the kids were too, at all the possibilities.  But as time wore on I noted a serious problem.  The children on school trips or with groups were a little rowdy and you could see these caregivers struggle but there was a lot of effort involved and I applaud them for that.  But there was a large portion of children running around the facility doing whatever they wanted.  Pushing us out the way of exhibits we were exploring without an excuse me, without patience, without parents!!  I found several parents on phones, tablets, etc on benches, along walls with absolutely no regard to their children's behavior or safety.   I didn't just glance once or twice it was the entire time we were there throughout the entire facility and I literally sat on a bench when one became available and watched all of this unravel.  Doesn't make me angry, makes me disappointed.  But did I say anything?  No.  I should have found a manager and told them they had about fifteen to twenty kids without parents anywhere around them doing whatever they wanted, pushing people out of the way including other small children.  I regret that I didn't but I know that after a couple of hours of it we were exhausted and frustrated enough to leave.  I believe in teaching my children the kind of adults they need to be.  Manners are a sign of respect to others around you.  Not just strangers.  They also show an intelligent nature and respect for themselves.  Worth teaching and enforcing I promise you.

As you can see by the previous example I am still learning this balance.  I try to be careful what I do and say around others but I'm trying to figure out how patient I should be.  Where is that line I can't find where I don't feel so uncomfortable?  How do I manage to magnify my inner strength and keep going when everything around me seems to be falling apart?  Prayer helps.  Faith helps.  But I'm still human.  Sometimes I need to see the example in front of me to feel more confident in moving forward.  More confidence in myself.  I'm no pushover and not easily convinced but I'm also open to ideas and suggestions.  I've heard the whole live your life and let others live theirs but their choices affect my life.

Make no mistake that I will tolerate a lot from the world but that doesn't always mean I agree with you.  Sometimes I'm watching carefully waiting until you push a button I cannot allow and am forced to push back as hard as I possibly can.  Hopefully I will figure all this out and redeem the mistakes I can while I'm sure creating new ones lol.