Always Learning

I love to learn.  Any question or single thought that enters my mind will and can take me on a wild journey of facts and opinions whether by the internet or books.  While I'm studying the one thought or question it almost always leads to another and another.  I can spend hours, even days on a single subject just to find meaning and understand it.

Some things no matter how much I research or how many materials I pour through, I am confused.  So many contrary opinions and ideas will lead me more to an inner debate that I can't win rather than a simple answer.  Leaving me feeling turmoil and chaos rather than some level of peace.  I could do without this feeling.  I guess with some things, you just never figure it out.

Relationships elude me.  I don't think I've ever been good at making new friends or even starting new relationships because I never know what to say or how to act.  I'm forever scared I'll say the wrong thing so some assume my silence is arrogance, well it's not.  Abraham Lincoln once said, " It is better to remain silent and thought of a fool than to speak and remove all doubt."  One of my favorite quotes lol.  I believe that friendship is earned not freely given and because of that I call very few friend.  It's actually a rarity and one who I call friend should always consider themselves in high regard to me as I don't throw that word around easily or without weight.

I've always been the type of person that if I call you friend I will give it my all.  I'll help any way I can, I'll be there whenever you need me, I'll even hang around in the background if you're not sure you really like me right now.  What hurts me most and causes me to be selective with my friends are those who can't seem to be kind about me when I'm not in the room.  Those who choose to assume instead of asking me outright ( be brave I don't bite), or even those who see my faults the faults I see as the worst of myself and not only choose not to help me overcome or improve them but rather judge me or point them out to others and use them against me.  A new pet peeve I've discovered are people who claim to know me and proceed to make up fantasies of things I've said or done.  Very puzzling.

Mom's usually always feel inadequate when it comes to their children.  Quite simply put we worry about them all the time and worry if we are making the right decisions to help shape them and mold them into active participants in our societies, communities and churches.  Not an easy task and some opt not to complicate themselves by adding children to their lives for this very reason, the responsibility of another human being.  As much as there are times that I wish I could just be the same person to everyone let's face it that's never going to happen.  Everyone perceives life in their own unique way so as a result even though I have a foundation that is the same to all three of my children, yes I treat them differently.  The foundations I speak of is the eternal love and reverence I have as their mother that will never change.  But even discipline is so unique to each individual.  What might work for one child just doesn't seem to fit in with another.  This is a hard relationship to work on for me, I wish they'd just all read my mind, understand what I need them to and be happy.  Ahhh such a nice dream isn't it?

I have learned over the years in marriage, after a fight, give yourself a few minutes to cry or breathe or whatever it is you need to do to find your patience with your spouse again and then apologize.   I am quick to apologize in quarrels for my responsibility in it whether that's raising my voice or even something harsh I might have said that I don't really believe to be true.  I do this without worrying if it's reciprocated.  I have to live with me for eternity and be able to look myself in the mirror each morning and know that I'm doing my very best in this world.  Just like others have to accept their faults and responsibilities for their parts in this world.  As a result of being quick to apologize I am also quick to forgive.  Trust of course is another issue that has to be earned and sometimes if abused enough never returned, but forgiving and not hanging it over their head again that I have learned to do.

Confidence really affects how we see ourselves and how we see others.  Having confidence in yourself and your abilities and talents is an important part of life.  Some may choose to be easily offended at the slightest things you do well, usually due to the fact that they can't.  That's a jealousy thing and not something you can control when others choose it.  I personally am happy for others when they achieve things they've worked hard on, or even marvel at their raw talent and abilities that I may not possess.  Why bring them down, we should be supportive and shine that light on them when they are doing something well.  If you find yourself withdrawing from people that are good at things you're not I guess that's your choice but if you would like to improve those things withdrawing would be a big mistake as they are right in front of you and can help you improve.  Don't compare yourself to them, simply do the best you can, you may never be as good as they are but you will still be better than when you started.  I'm always afraid to learn something new or even embarrassed when I have to relearn something I've already done well but forgotten.  Can't let that stop me if I find joy in those things now can I.

I don't claim in any respect to have it all figured out, nor do I believe I ever will, but I am trying.  That's all I have, I don't have perfection no one does, I have effort and love and commitment.  Committing myself to service for my family, church callings, and those in need who ask for it.  I will always keep trying no matter how high that hill is in front of me willing me to fall back down and give up.  I choose to keep learning and growing.   I choose to endure.