Throughout my entire life when things are murky but trudging along still at a steady pace I find contentment. At least for a while anyways. You don't really notice anything creeping up on you when you're in a blissful state. In my case it's a bunch of little things that add up quickly. Youth Conference, cubscout camp ( I'm a den leader), Young Women's Camp, Volleyball Camp, Summer Gymnastics, Basketball Camp, you get the idea. All the forms and registration and fees and coordination. I don't mind it really just always nervous I'm gonna miss that one thing that could ruin our summer. Like discovering that I need to renew my passport like now if I want to visit Alberta. Fun discovery. Good times. No need to panic.
I've tried so hard to be a friend, to be a good Mom, a supportive wife, to be helpful. Sometimes it can overwhelm me but I'd rather take on a lot and feel useful than nothing and feel bored. Lately I feel very uneasy around people. Like they're in on it , whatever IT is and I have no idea what's going on. We all feel that way at some point right? But service sure makes you feel better.
I worry a lot lately about my health too. Last night I got this... report I guess you would call it. Laid out my medical history over the past 2 years. All the medications I've had to take and when. When certain blood and urine tests were done. I had to bite my lower lip to keep from crying. I was always relatively healthy my whole life. I've always loved sports and try to stay active despite hardly ever losing a pound. This of course frustrates me especially since all society will see is some overweight woman wow she must just sit there and do nothing. Too many pieces of chocolate cake and fried chicken. If they only knew how often and far I walk every week or how I avoid carbs almost a little bit to the extreme just avoid gaining weight.
I love fruits and vegetables far more than junk food, fast food always makes me feel sick. In the summer when all these fruits and vegetables are in season I can't resist binging on them a little bit. Sometimes too much fiber lol but overall makes me feel lighter. The heat brings a desire to drink more water. My family will laugh at that because I drink water all day long as it is, they'll think I'm trying to drown myself if I add more. But we're supposed to do it because it's healthy and it makes you feel good. I'm looking forward to swimming since I love to swim but I'm sure the public will disagree when they see me in a bathing suit.
Every time I feel icky, which diabetics no matter how hard we work at it just will from time to time, I feel like all these people around me get to go out there and live their lives as healthy individuals and sometimes it hurts me. Not because I'm not happy for them, but because I can't keep up. The Spirit is willing but the body......tries so hard and I expect so much out of it because it's what I've always been used to.
I am so truly thankful for my family and friends that love and support me. Not only in words but in their actions of compassion and encouragement. That it's okay. I'm working still, and probably always will be, on being okay with it. That we have to roll with the punches and do the best we got with what we have.
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Almost There!
It's almost the end of the school year. The end of 5am's, taxi service, sports activities this way and that, spreading myself too thin and being so busy I can't think straight. I am so looking forward to sleeping in ( 7am probably) and a less scheduled life including reading books from the library, swimming, camping, and vacation time. Ahhhh it's almost summer!
With two teenagers in high school and a daughter repeating an extra year of preschool ( she started a year early at 3 years old) it has been exceptionally busy this year. To top that off my husband, dr physicist laser boy (his official name in his mind), has been extraordinarily busy with marine systems and I became a cub scout leader in February. Not to mention all the teen dances including prom, all the awards nights end of school banquets and graduating from preschool. Albeit fun and adventurous it will be much deserved to play in the pool with my five year old and suntan with a book. I look forward to having time to do projects around the house, working on our yard ( when it's not 100% humidity), and taking the kids to the mall or a movie or whatever. Whatever we want.
I am truly thankful for this past year. Our family has accomplished a lot looking back and hope to have more time to accomplish more personal goals and spending more time together. I feel like I'm counting down the hours, not just the days, to the first day I get to sleep past 5 and have a day with nothing scheduled on the calendar. More ups than downs, and it's always awesome to watch your kids grow up and discover who they are and want they want to be in life. I know for our eldest daughter Brittany that has been a struggle this year. She established she wants to go to college but had a really hard time determining for what! It made her excited, scared, frustrated ( there were tears) but I think she has a handle on it now. So far..........hmmm.......I think she said nurse? At any rate I'm happy for her to be able to finish her senior year (2016) and take on life with a new found freedom. ( Please don't use your freedom to do something stupid it'll freak me out)
Our son really enjoyed his Freshman year at East High despite a rough start. He's ending on a high note ( so far finals are next week) playing his final volleyball tournament this past Saturday. He has discovered he really loves it and wants to keep playing over the summer to improve his skills so he can come back better and stronger for next year. I remember loving volleyball, now I just sit and cheer. I personally made it a goal to be at every single one of his games this season, encouraging my daughters to come and join in ( I think they missed only once or twice), it was really important to me that he have that support. Even Dad got in a few games, mostly varsity but still.
We are definitely counting down our vacation still, we desperately miss the Alberta Rocky Mountains and can't wait to get back to them ( mostly cause they smell good). It's becoming a bit of a challenge, having pets, to find people available to help us look after them but we're working on it hopefully no kitty hotels for us ( honestly Psycho will pitch an absolute fit). Since it'll be so hot by the time we leave we decided camping that time of year probably a bad thing ( I will melt like the wicked witch of the west it won't be pretty) although we really do love to camp so we're still debating bringing camping gear just in case. We can't wait! So excited!
With two teenagers in high school and a daughter repeating an extra year of preschool ( she started a year early at 3 years old) it has been exceptionally busy this year. To top that off my husband, dr physicist laser boy (his official name in his mind), has been extraordinarily busy with marine systems and I became a cub scout leader in February. Not to mention all the teen dances including prom, all the awards nights end of school banquets and graduating from preschool. Albeit fun and adventurous it will be much deserved to play in the pool with my five year old and suntan with a book. I look forward to having time to do projects around the house, working on our yard ( when it's not 100% humidity), and taking the kids to the mall or a movie or whatever. Whatever we want.
I am truly thankful for this past year. Our family has accomplished a lot looking back and hope to have more time to accomplish more personal goals and spending more time together. I feel like I'm counting down the hours, not just the days, to the first day I get to sleep past 5 and have a day with nothing scheduled on the calendar. More ups than downs, and it's always awesome to watch your kids grow up and discover who they are and want they want to be in life. I know for our eldest daughter Brittany that has been a struggle this year. She established she wants to go to college but had a really hard time determining for what! It made her excited, scared, frustrated ( there were tears) but I think she has a handle on it now. So far..........hmmm.......I think she said nurse? At any rate I'm happy for her to be able to finish her senior year (2016) and take on life with a new found freedom. ( Please don't use your freedom to do something stupid it'll freak me out)
Our son really enjoyed his Freshman year at East High despite a rough start. He's ending on a high note ( so far finals are next week) playing his final volleyball tournament this past Saturday. He has discovered he really loves it and wants to keep playing over the summer to improve his skills so he can come back better and stronger for next year. I remember loving volleyball, now I just sit and cheer. I personally made it a goal to be at every single one of his games this season, encouraging my daughters to come and join in ( I think they missed only once or twice), it was really important to me that he have that support. Even Dad got in a few games, mostly varsity but still.
We are definitely counting down our vacation still, we desperately miss the Alberta Rocky Mountains and can't wait to get back to them ( mostly cause they smell good). It's becoming a bit of a challenge, having pets, to find people available to help us look after them but we're working on it hopefully no kitty hotels for us ( honestly Psycho will pitch an absolute fit). Since it'll be so hot by the time we leave we decided camping that time of year probably a bad thing ( I will melt like the wicked witch of the west it won't be pretty) although we really do love to camp so we're still debating bringing camping gear just in case. We can't wait! So excited!
Monday, May 4, 2015
Aiming High
It's so great to take a break from the world! ( and your kids and house) It took us an extra 2 weeks to be able to enjoy our Anniversary but we finally got the chance and even though it was going to be short ( one overnighter), knowing that going into it made us more committed than ever to spend time together. Talk things out that might be bothering us about family or friends or kids or even each other. To be able to show kindnesses and affection without interruption. It made us look at just how busy life can get and how vital our relationship is to our family.
We were all smiles and giggles the entire time. Not always the case but seeing that we are fully capable of these happy feelings we are going to work really hard on keeping it in our daily lives. Hand holding, kissing, hugging are already in our daily 'routine', it annoys the kids but oh well lol. But how often do we shut and lock the door just to have a conversation without interruption? Like never! When we try to discuss things we are constantly distracted by our kids suddenly having questions or concerns right when we're in the middle of it and it almost always turns into a bit of an argument because in turn we will mishear each other or be annoyed with the interruptions. So when we have important things we need to discuss and usually find a quiet corner of the house we've discovered they'll find the corner. We need a locked bedroom door or even a drive away from the house where we can speak. Totally worth it to be able to hear each other and keep the flow of the conversation, it goes super smoothly and we seem more considerate of each other's opinions when we can actually hear it thoroughly. Which in turn makes us better parents because we can't get caught in a dispute in front of them making them nervous or uncomfortable.
We have learned that the distance we have felt from each other, that lonely marriage feeling, was due to our busy schedules and by the time we got home we just wanted a hot meal, maybe a little tv and sleep. Finding time for each other was always on the back burner. We were lucky to find that our loving relationship was easily rekindled by taking a short break from the world around us and focusing just on our relationship first. That means phones off people! Kids can't be happy without happy parents and parents can't counsel dramatic kids if they're struggling themselves. All it will take is committing to a date every week but we've decided at a movie you can't speak, and at a restaurant you are constantly interrupted by the waitress so we have to figure something else out. Maybe takeout and a quiet park? In the winter we're reaaalllyyy going to have to find something! Other than hiding in a parking lot with the heater on I can't think of anything but we have all summer to figure it out!
Just because we're happy doesn't mean our kids will always be happy but working on our happiness in our marriage creates a foundation that is stable and makes life's challenges much easier to face. It also boosts our self confidence. We feel better about ourselves and our capabilities as husband and wife and as parents. We do better on our own knowing that we are working together towards common goals than we do worrying about the little things that can easily consume us.
The questions we ask ourselves can be brutal ladies! Am I too fat/too thin? Am I smart enough/stupid? Does my spouse still love me? Am I being a good parent? Am I doing enough for the community/neighbors? Maybe I'm not worth liking/spending time with. Then you start answering the questions with answers like, no one really likes me I'm not worth it. Everyone's staring at me judging me because I don't look like them. My spouse should find someone better than me they deserve it. My kids deserve better than I can offer. Believe me when I say this: You are just fine! Everyone has flaws that everyone needs to work on and it's a personal thing. It's extremely hard to overcome those flaws if you don't first find a way to love you. Your relationship with yourself if it's a good one will branch out to others and create good solid ground to build new relationships.
I am so grateful that I got the chance to spend that 'quality' time with my husband this weekend. It was nice to feel joy and peace and not be bombarded by such a demanding schedule. With this confidence boost I look forward to my exercise and feel a wonderful determination to keep going. I know we'll still have ups and downs life is like a crazy roller coaster you never know where the twists and turns will be but I have to say at the moment it's a lot easier to take.
We were all smiles and giggles the entire time. Not always the case but seeing that we are fully capable of these happy feelings we are going to work really hard on keeping it in our daily lives. Hand holding, kissing, hugging are already in our daily 'routine', it annoys the kids but oh well lol. But how often do we shut and lock the door just to have a conversation without interruption? Like never! When we try to discuss things we are constantly distracted by our kids suddenly having questions or concerns right when we're in the middle of it and it almost always turns into a bit of an argument because in turn we will mishear each other or be annoyed with the interruptions. So when we have important things we need to discuss and usually find a quiet corner of the house we've discovered they'll find the corner. We need a locked bedroom door or even a drive away from the house where we can speak. Totally worth it to be able to hear each other and keep the flow of the conversation, it goes super smoothly and we seem more considerate of each other's opinions when we can actually hear it thoroughly. Which in turn makes us better parents because we can't get caught in a dispute in front of them making them nervous or uncomfortable.
We have learned that the distance we have felt from each other, that lonely marriage feeling, was due to our busy schedules and by the time we got home we just wanted a hot meal, maybe a little tv and sleep. Finding time for each other was always on the back burner. We were lucky to find that our loving relationship was easily rekindled by taking a short break from the world around us and focusing just on our relationship first. That means phones off people! Kids can't be happy without happy parents and parents can't counsel dramatic kids if they're struggling themselves. All it will take is committing to a date every week but we've decided at a movie you can't speak, and at a restaurant you are constantly interrupted by the waitress so we have to figure something else out. Maybe takeout and a quiet park? In the winter we're reaaalllyyy going to have to find something! Other than hiding in a parking lot with the heater on I can't think of anything but we have all summer to figure it out!
Just because we're happy doesn't mean our kids will always be happy but working on our happiness in our marriage creates a foundation that is stable and makes life's challenges much easier to face. It also boosts our self confidence. We feel better about ourselves and our capabilities as husband and wife and as parents. We do better on our own knowing that we are working together towards common goals than we do worrying about the little things that can easily consume us.
The questions we ask ourselves can be brutal ladies! Am I too fat/too thin? Am I smart enough/stupid? Does my spouse still love me? Am I being a good parent? Am I doing enough for the community/neighbors? Maybe I'm not worth liking/spending time with. Then you start answering the questions with answers like, no one really likes me I'm not worth it. Everyone's staring at me judging me because I don't look like them. My spouse should find someone better than me they deserve it. My kids deserve better than I can offer. Believe me when I say this: You are just fine! Everyone has flaws that everyone needs to work on and it's a personal thing. It's extremely hard to overcome those flaws if you don't first find a way to love you. Your relationship with yourself if it's a good one will branch out to others and create good solid ground to build new relationships.
I am so grateful that I got the chance to spend that 'quality' time with my husband this weekend. It was nice to feel joy and peace and not be bombarded by such a demanding schedule. With this confidence boost I look forward to my exercise and feel a wonderful determination to keep going. I know we'll still have ups and downs life is like a crazy roller coaster you never know where the twists and turns will be but I have to say at the moment it's a lot easier to take.
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