Throughout my entire life when things are murky but trudging along still at a steady pace I find contentment. At least for a while anyways. You don't really notice anything creeping up on you when you're in a blissful state. In my case it's a bunch of little things that add up quickly. Youth Conference, cubscout camp ( I'm a den leader), Young Women's Camp, Volleyball Camp, Summer Gymnastics, Basketball Camp, you get the idea. All the forms and registration and fees and coordination. I don't mind it really just always nervous I'm gonna miss that one thing that could ruin our summer. Like discovering that I need to renew my passport like now if I want to visit Alberta. Fun discovery. Good times. No need to panic.
I've tried so hard to be a friend, to be a good Mom, a supportive wife, to be helpful. Sometimes it can overwhelm me but I'd rather take on a lot and feel useful than nothing and feel bored. Lately I feel very uneasy around people. Like they're in on it , whatever IT is and I have no idea what's going on. We all feel that way at some point right? But service sure makes you feel better.
I worry a lot lately about my health too. Last night I got this... report I guess you would call it. Laid out my medical history over the past 2 years. All the medications I've had to take and when. When certain blood and urine tests were done. I had to bite my lower lip to keep from crying. I was always relatively healthy my whole life. I've always loved sports and try to stay active despite hardly ever losing a pound. This of course frustrates me especially since all society will see is some overweight woman wow she must just sit there and do nothing. Too many pieces of chocolate cake and fried chicken. If they only knew how often and far I walk every week or how I avoid carbs almost a little bit to the extreme just avoid gaining weight.
I love fruits and vegetables far more than junk food, fast food always makes me feel sick. In the summer when all these fruits and vegetables are in season I can't resist binging on them a little bit. Sometimes too much fiber lol but overall makes me feel lighter. The heat brings a desire to drink more water. My family will laugh at that because I drink water all day long as it is, they'll think I'm trying to drown myself if I add more. But we're supposed to do it because it's healthy and it makes you feel good. I'm looking forward to swimming since I love to swim but I'm sure the public will disagree when they see me in a bathing suit.
Every time I feel icky, which diabetics no matter how hard we work at it just will from time to time, I feel like all these people around me get to go out there and live their lives as healthy individuals and sometimes it hurts me. Not because I'm not happy for them, but because I can't keep up. The Spirit is willing but the body......tries so hard and I expect so much out of it because it's what I've always been used to.
I am so truly thankful for my family and friends that love and support me. Not only in words but in their actions of compassion and encouragement. That it's okay. I'm working still, and probably always will be, on being okay with it. That we have to roll with the punches and do the best we got with what we have.
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