So recently I've discovered something new and peculiar about myself, no not that weird mole on my arm it just got bigger is all, it's a personality trait that I have or lack depending on how you look at it. I am afraid of the Mercy/Justice line.
(Huh what's that some kind of queue in court?)
I'm too nice is what it boils down to. So weird to see myself type that let alone discover it. When people gossip about me I roll my eyes and move on. When people insult me to my face I roll my eyes and move on, which happened recently at church from someone I didn't see it coming from total blindside. When people yell at me about whatever judgement they find necessary I roll my eyes and move on. This is turning out to be trendier than bell bottoms. So my realization came from a question. When do I stop rolling my eyes and put my foot down? My aha moment if you will.
The answer? I don't. EVER. I have made a habit of letting people off the hook and never correcting them for treating me that way. Never saying that's not ok and participating in the event called Justice. In short, I am that little bug on the pavement in your driveway that is desperately avoiding being squished while all the while having the cartoon super power to pulverize your car lol. Terrbile thing to realize about yourself. Maybe I should tattoo 'Welcome' on my face.
The truth is I hate being the cause of ANYONE'S unhappiness but it has in fact always cost me my own. It's annoying too. I can't tell you how many times I've dated in the past and seen someone that I think is better suited for the guy I'm dating and tried to hook them up, WHILE I'M DATING THEM! I'm sicker than the guy on the corner staring at the old lady lingerie shop hoping for a peak of some wrinkly skin trying to squeeze into a girdle.
I have apologized for offences I have never even committed just to avoid hurting someone's feelings or to keep their friendship or to avoid some stupid confrontation that I feel already has an ending in the other party's mind anyway. What a schmuck! Not only am I justifying their incorrect assumptions but I'm showing mercy to everyone even when they are completely undeserving. I totally suck! Can't stop shaking my head at myself. So now the hard part. How do I fix this how do I change and show mercy where mercy is warranted but also demand justice? It's like asking when do I hold up my hand and tell the teacher that 2+2 does not equal 5.
Well so far I have no idea. I'm just shocked at the revelation. I'm intelligent. People say that I'm strong although sometimes I think they are looking at me through barbell glasses. I cannot believe that people have the audacity to demand respect from me when I haven't received a drop of respect from them and yet I do it. But I hate, HATE, hurting people's feelings and I know that I'm capable of making grown men cry.
Where do you learn how to balance when to be merciful and when to seek justice?
Monday, August 23, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Just Visiting
My husband and I started having a conversation last night that led to this blog. Whatever happened to visiting with each other when we have a spare hour or so? Why are we filling it with meaningless frivel of television and computers or baking just to eat the cookies out of boredom?
I truly miss my friends back home in Alberta. We actually made the effort almost every Saturday to hang out for an afternoon or evening. It was fun and relaxing. Being our silly weird selves I of course will NEVER repeat the conversations we had (they are all laughing in memory now reading this) but the point was that we tried. We made real effort to stay in touch and be friends and stay friends.
I think sometimes in this world it's very easy to meet people that you like and would love to get to know but the gumption and courage to actually do something about it is lost. To my friends back home I certainly hope that you are not in this chicken legs category of simple aquaintances that can never be friends due to your arms length approach.
When I was growing up we had a firepit in the back yard part of my houses appeal when I became an adult and bought a house of my own was to build a fire pit in the back yard. In my childhood our family was host to several people who just stopped by for a visit. It was wonderful especially if they had kids to play with. We hosted many a bon fire party in our backyard where the whole street and neighborhood would come over bringing their new recipes to try and new stories of catching the biggest fish they ever saw. I miss it terribly and since my blog about recreating our own memories so that our children can have some of their own I guess I'm responsible for getting a fire pit in my yard which now I can just buy at Lowes and put away in the garage when I'm not using it although if I lived outside the city you better believe I'd have a shovel in my hand and bricks in a pile beside me. Wasn't always the bonfire though like I was saying sometimes people would just stop by, have something to drink, talk to my mom, we played with the kids in the backyard or basement depending on the weather.
I think it's time to get back to basics. I miss friends calling me up on a moments notice and stopping by. Hardly anyone has done that since the baby was born, either because they think I'm a mangled wretch who isn't sleeping(she sleeps through the night just fine) or they think they are imposing or that it's somehow awkward to invite themselves over. Trust me to all who read this I never take that as a sign of being impolite. Invite yourselves over any time. Here's the hard part that no one wants to hear and several of you will criticize me for but I really mean it! SLOW DOOOOWWWWWNNNNNN! America has this thing about always being first and the best like the entire world is a competition and to an extent in some markets that's true but hasty products usually fall flat anyways we want quality something that lasts so if they slowed down I wouldn't mind a bit. We need to be able to feel like we can breathe. The worst part, we are responsible for that breath entirely. You and you alone choose when to slow down how to slow down how long to slow for etc. Can't keep blaming everyone around you when you have a mouth that can form the word no just like everyone else. Afraid to disappoint other people? Don't be your health and well being is more important to people who really honestly care about you and they'll be fine with it if they aren't fine with it question the honesty of your friendship with them.
I'm pretty easy when it comes to people slowing down taking time and dropping by all I ask is for a phone call. If my hair is messy and I still have pjs on it's nice to pretend that I was ready the whole time lol. Although on some days I might not really care that my hair is messy I have raccoon eyes or that I'm still wearing Mickey Mouse and my friends will love me anyway.
I really want to go back to visiting which means I need to start inviting myself over for a visit too and now that the kids are going back to school look out, you may be on my list!
I truly miss my friends back home in Alberta. We actually made the effort almost every Saturday to hang out for an afternoon or evening. It was fun and relaxing. Being our silly weird selves I of course will NEVER repeat the conversations we had (they are all laughing in memory now reading this) but the point was that we tried. We made real effort to stay in touch and be friends and stay friends.
I think sometimes in this world it's very easy to meet people that you like and would love to get to know but the gumption and courage to actually do something about it is lost. To my friends back home I certainly hope that you are not in this chicken legs category of simple aquaintances that can never be friends due to your arms length approach.
When I was growing up we had a firepit in the back yard part of my houses appeal when I became an adult and bought a house of my own was to build a fire pit in the back yard. In my childhood our family was host to several people who just stopped by for a visit. It was wonderful especially if they had kids to play with. We hosted many a bon fire party in our backyard where the whole street and neighborhood would come over bringing their new recipes to try and new stories of catching the biggest fish they ever saw. I miss it terribly and since my blog about recreating our own memories so that our children can have some of their own I guess I'm responsible for getting a fire pit in my yard which now I can just buy at Lowes and put away in the garage when I'm not using it although if I lived outside the city you better believe I'd have a shovel in my hand and bricks in a pile beside me. Wasn't always the bonfire though like I was saying sometimes people would just stop by, have something to drink, talk to my mom, we played with the kids in the backyard or basement depending on the weather.
I think it's time to get back to basics. I miss friends calling me up on a moments notice and stopping by. Hardly anyone has done that since the baby was born, either because they think I'm a mangled wretch who isn't sleeping(she sleeps through the night just fine) or they think they are imposing or that it's somehow awkward to invite themselves over. Trust me to all who read this I never take that as a sign of being impolite. Invite yourselves over any time. Here's the hard part that no one wants to hear and several of you will criticize me for but I really mean it! SLOW DOOOOWWWWWNNNNNN! America has this thing about always being first and the best like the entire world is a competition and to an extent in some markets that's true but hasty products usually fall flat anyways we want quality something that lasts so if they slowed down I wouldn't mind a bit. We need to be able to feel like we can breathe. The worst part, we are responsible for that breath entirely. You and you alone choose when to slow down how to slow down how long to slow for etc. Can't keep blaming everyone around you when you have a mouth that can form the word no just like everyone else. Afraid to disappoint other people? Don't be your health and well being is more important to people who really honestly care about you and they'll be fine with it if they aren't fine with it question the honesty of your friendship with them.
I'm pretty easy when it comes to people slowing down taking time and dropping by all I ask is for a phone call. If my hair is messy and I still have pjs on it's nice to pretend that I was ready the whole time lol. Although on some days I might not really care that my hair is messy I have raccoon eyes or that I'm still wearing Mickey Mouse and my friends will love me anyway.
I really want to go back to visiting which means I need to start inviting myself over for a visit too and now that the kids are going back to school look out, you may be on my list!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
What time is it?
It has been approximately 14 months since I have been alone to myself and healthy. I say healthy because at the beginning of pregnancy (which for me is almost half) I feel like a child who just ate a worm and chewed into it for the first time see what it really tastes like. Nauseated, tired, I pretty much lived on water for the first half of my pregnancy and forced the occasional piece of toast or cracker.
Anywho, it occures to me last week that I deserve to go out and not with my kids or my husband just out. My husband of course observes that I haven't spent any time with my friends like I should be in the last year either and maybe I should have a "girls night out". As long as it's a movie or dessert for a couple of hours was my reply. Anything relaxing and almost mindless is what I need right now. Just imagine sitting in the middle of a big white bubble in the middle of space and floating around. Now that would be ideal for me right now. But mindless movies and sugary treats are a nice 2nd. ( Actually a nice second would be an hour long massage but I don't have friends that I'm that close to here yet lol)
After much debate with several individuals I opt not to see any drama, I already feel like Kathy Hepburn from Golden Pond most days, and decided on an action comedy which is the perfect mixture of my two favorite Genres. Even though I am excited to spend time with an old friend that I hardly get to see or spend time with I am comfortable enough and secure enough to see any movie alone just fine.
Lots of you out there are cringing right now at that statement or even thinking of names to call me (loser) or feel sorry for me. Don't. I discovered when I really thought of going alone that it didn't scare me AT ALL. I was delighted to realize that I am secure enough in who I am and the relationships that I have with friends and family not to care about the strange woman with her 6" heels and soft blonde hair staring at chubby poofy dry haired me with her makeup all arranged in model perfection vs my dark circles under my eyes due to the thunderstorm that kept waking me up last night. I'm totally fine with it.
That leads me to a question. Are all of you secure enough in yourselves to go out alone. Alone alone. Out to a restaurant for a full on meal or the movies or dancing or whatever you like to do. I challenge you to do so. Who said you have to care so much about what other people think? They aren't you, they don't know you, judgement is futile, pointless, a waste of time. I think that will be the BIGGEST regret that some of us have at the end of our lives, all the things we wanted to do and didn't out of some illogical fear that everyone is staring at you. Trust me, they are all so focused on themselves these days they didn't even see you walk in the door. Get out there and live your life! What time is it I have to go?
Anywho, it occures to me last week that I deserve to go out and not with my kids or my husband just out. My husband of course observes that I haven't spent any time with my friends like I should be in the last year either and maybe I should have a "girls night out". As long as it's a movie or dessert for a couple of hours was my reply. Anything relaxing and almost mindless is what I need right now. Just imagine sitting in the middle of a big white bubble in the middle of space and floating around. Now that would be ideal for me right now. But mindless movies and sugary treats are a nice 2nd. ( Actually a nice second would be an hour long massage but I don't have friends that I'm that close to here yet lol)
After much debate with several individuals I opt not to see any drama, I already feel like Kathy Hepburn from Golden Pond most days, and decided on an action comedy which is the perfect mixture of my two favorite Genres. Even though I am excited to spend time with an old friend that I hardly get to see or spend time with I am comfortable enough and secure enough to see any movie alone just fine.
Lots of you out there are cringing right now at that statement or even thinking of names to call me (loser) or feel sorry for me. Don't. I discovered when I really thought of going alone that it didn't scare me AT ALL. I was delighted to realize that I am secure enough in who I am and the relationships that I have with friends and family not to care about the strange woman with her 6" heels and soft blonde hair staring at chubby poofy dry haired me with her makeup all arranged in model perfection vs my dark circles under my eyes due to the thunderstorm that kept waking me up last night. I'm totally fine with it.
That leads me to a question. Are all of you secure enough in yourselves to go out alone. Alone alone. Out to a restaurant for a full on meal or the movies or dancing or whatever you like to do. I challenge you to do so. Who said you have to care so much about what other people think? They aren't you, they don't know you, judgement is futile, pointless, a waste of time. I think that will be the BIGGEST regret that some of us have at the end of our lives, all the things we wanted to do and didn't out of some illogical fear that everyone is staring at you. Trust me, they are all so focused on themselves these days they didn't even see you walk in the door. Get out there and live your life! What time is it I have to go?
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