So recently I've discovered something new and peculiar about myself, no not that weird mole on my arm it just got bigger is all, it's a personality trait that I have or lack depending on how you look at it. I am afraid of the Mercy/Justice line.
(Huh what's that some kind of queue in court?)
I'm too nice is what it boils down to. So weird to see myself type that let alone discover it. When people gossip about me I roll my eyes and move on. When people insult me to my face I roll my eyes and move on, which happened recently at church from someone I didn't see it coming from total blindside. When people yell at me about whatever judgement they find necessary I roll my eyes and move on. This is turning out to be trendier than bell bottoms. So my realization came from a question. When do I stop rolling my eyes and put my foot down? My aha moment if you will.
The answer? I don't. EVER. I have made a habit of letting people off the hook and never correcting them for treating me that way. Never saying that's not ok and participating in the event called Justice. In short, I am that little bug on the pavement in your driveway that is desperately avoiding being squished while all the while having the cartoon super power to pulverize your car lol. Terrbile thing to realize about yourself. Maybe I should tattoo 'Welcome' on my face.
The truth is I hate being the cause of ANYONE'S unhappiness but it has in fact always cost me my own. It's annoying too. I can't tell you how many times I've dated in the past and seen someone that I think is better suited for the guy I'm dating and tried to hook them up, WHILE I'M DATING THEM! I'm sicker than the guy on the corner staring at the old lady lingerie shop hoping for a peak of some wrinkly skin trying to squeeze into a girdle.
I have apologized for offences I have never even committed just to avoid hurting someone's feelings or to keep their friendship or to avoid some stupid confrontation that I feel already has an ending in the other party's mind anyway. What a schmuck! Not only am I justifying their incorrect assumptions but I'm showing mercy to everyone even when they are completely undeserving. I totally suck! Can't stop shaking my head at myself. So now the hard part. How do I fix this how do I change and show mercy where mercy is warranted but also demand justice? It's like asking when do I hold up my hand and tell the teacher that 2+2 does not equal 5.
Well so far I have no idea. I'm just shocked at the revelation. I'm intelligent. People say that I'm strong although sometimes I think they are looking at me through barbell glasses. I cannot believe that people have the audacity to demand respect from me when I haven't received a drop of respect from them and yet I do it. But I hate, HATE, hurting people's feelings and I know that I'm capable of making grown men cry.
Where do you learn how to balance when to be merciful and when to seek justice?
It's a hard call ---however I think no matter what you have to consider what the Savior would want you to do---I believe he told us to turn the other cheek---however I don't for a moment believe in a "whimpy Christ" (as my aunt once put it). I am a far more assertive person than I see myself...and as long as you can still feel good about yourself let it go. It's not worth the stress--and truthfully most people know right from wrong, and telling them won't change a thing. Why waste your time and energy doing it?
ReplyDeleteAsk yourself what you are really seeking by "seeking justice". If you are seeking for them to feel bad or for revenge then nothing good will ever come of it, you will both feel bad. However if you are standing up to an ongoing battle to put an end to it, then sometimes that has to be done but I don't think that is justice, as much as it is a reponse to a situation. Only good attracts good. It is great that you don't enter into conflict but the next challenge is truely letting it slide off your back...when you no longer think about what was said in the past (even if the past was 5 minutes ago). blah blah blah..sorry...in short, I think that seeking justice will never find you happiness or peace.
ReplyDeleteRevenge has never been a problem for me even when it was warranted and family members got frustrated that I showed mercy to some instead of justice. What I'm trying to figure out is when to say no you can't treat me that way instead of my always move on ritual. I don't want to teach my children to be any kind of doormat.
ReplyDelete