So much to Be in so Little Time

You remember kindergarten. What do you want to be when you grow up? A fireman, a nurse, a doctor, a lawyer, a farmer, a vet. You contemplate this question quite a bit throughout your childhood and teenage years. But never feel more pressure than your senior year in high school. I literally had a goal in medicine most of my life it never really left that's why when I speak to medical staff they are always surprised that I'm not in medicine considering how much knowledge I have on the subject. Well that's just from my plain curiosity. I ask lots of questions all the time because I actually do want to know how EVERYTHING works and learn as much as I can in this life it excites me to learn. I am happiest when I'm learning something new.

I guess I just never thought this is where I would be although there were several clues to the contrary. I've learned that my plan wasn't exactly what God's plan for me was and have for the most part, grudgingly followed his pursuits for me in this life and sacrificing so many of my own for His greater purposes. But not always I'm to blame for some of it, fear is a cruel thing and can play evil tricks on us so even though we put forth an effort and keep going sometimes we just feel like we have no other choice but to give up. For me it was more like a million distractions since the adversary is very very good at that. I guess I was one of those "ooooooo shiny!" people.

I still read many articles in a day on just about everything and if something really sparks a serious interest in me I buy and check out books on the subject until I feel satisfied with my current knowledge of it. Recently it has been scriptures that have forced this drive in me to keep looking, reading, searching for answers not only to my bazillion questions but those of friends and family as well. There certainly isn't any harm in that is there. The witness of its truth however is up to them and them alone.

And even through all of this, I feel disappointed in myself, still. Look at alllllll of these things I've been trying so hard to do and even though I'm getting there in leaps and bounds I still feel like something is missing. I have searched and searched for it all these years and obviously will continue to it's who I am. Maybe someday it will dawn on me or be presented to me in a way. For now, however, I'm stuck wondering what it is, what direction it's in, which next steps to take and sometimes forced to see the reality that I'm just too busy being a mother and a wife to have the time. I am satisfied somewhat to know how hard I'm trying and so utterly grateful for the things I've learned along the way. This frustration is almost a heartache of something missing. I already know there's a likelyhood that there are more kids coming so that's not it. I have a feeling it is in direct relation to me. Just me.

Anybody else feel that way?