It's rare, but I love those quiet moments where a simple reflection can have an amazing impact on you. Where you notice something in your life that you never did before. Those quiet moments seem to hold wisdom that somehow you always possessed but never noticed before.
I myself sitting here suddenly in one thought realized that our family would be very different if it weren't for my husband. I'd still be working, I would have to trust my children to wake up in the morning and get to school on time with breakfast in stomach and homework and lunch in hand. They'd be limited with their friends being from such a small town until they got their licenses and could drive themselves to other high school dances etc. Granted I'd have all my friends every weekend and my kids would have all of their kids as friends as well.
But....
We would be very different people. I don't know that any of us would have been forced to grow the way we did altogether. So many events changed our lives in such unexpected ways. Changes always force us to grow whether we are ready for it or not. I'd probably be sort of active in the church. My kids would be less shielded than they are now. They would have been forced to deal with individuals that could have truly hurt them both physically and mentally. Myself included. There would be no little sister to entertain us with her silly antics and adorable logic. I certainly wouldn't trust my children to the capacity that I do now.
My husband made us the kind of family that we always wanted. He's had to learn to grow up and be a father and I've learned to trust again. We fight for our family all the time. We fight to love, we fight to stay together, we fight to grow together and become better people than we are now. We laugh together, encourage one another, and no one person can be overwhelmed when all of us will carry each other's burdens. My favorite is that we learn together. Everyone learns as they go, new things will always trip you up some, but we stick it out together and dismiss any judgments that may come our way because we aren't experts at it yet.
There's a lot of love in this family. The more people we've added to it, the bigger the love has grown. I'm so grateful for my husband and his presence in our family. I'm thankful for his leadership and his kindnesses. I even love his quarks! I feel so blessed to have children and watch them grow. They are amazing kids and I'm so excited to see what they do with their lives and their futures!
And to think....it only took a moment to see it all.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
My secret to a good life is.......................
As most of you do this also I'm sure, I reflect a lot on where I've been, things I've survived (some not so well), and how it is now aka what can I improve upon. All I can really do is share what I've learned along the way through my own personal experiences and then hope I keep improving as time goes on. I also learn a great deal from other's personal experiences as well so don't be shy to share them with me.
My secret is........................................patience. The hardest thing in this world to aquire and also hard to execute. Patience means in the face of adversity you embrace long suffering during your trials as a learning tool instead of a 'why me' burden. Challenges in life don't always have to be amplified to horrific from their simplicity. Maybe that's a little too factual and direct for some of you and I understand if you disagree that's fine. But I think we complicate it more than it should be most of the time. Life is hard and life is messy and we are human and get worn down but patience in your adversity and accepting these challenges for what they are at face value will definitely help you overcome them sooner than later with a better understanding of the "why".
Having patience with your kids also extremely vital not only for your growth as a parent but also for the growth of your children and their friends who associate with them. Don't underestimate the power of your influence on your children's friends. In my own personal experience with this the neighborhood children who come into our home know the rules in it. My children were taught the rules and pass it on to their friends, any friends, they encounter whether they physically come into our home or not. My children have outright told people who want to be friends with them what we as their parents expect. No cussing, no lying, be compassionate and helpful, don't take everything so seriously or be easily offended, things of that nature. Through our influence on our children, they have the opportunity and ability to influence many others that will in turn influence even more. That's why I hate being quick to judge. I don't know every circumstance that happens in everyone's lives I can only control my own. That includes my children. I don't see life through their eyes or share all of their experiences, too personal. But I can have patience and faith that they will keep influencing others for the greater good and continue to create a world of freedom and joy. I can be patient with them when they make mistakes, even mistakes that are so horrible it makes me shudder to think. I can be patient with them and their own learning process to figure it out and answer any questions or share advice when they ask for it, counseling with them as often as I can to choose what's right not only for their parents sanity but for themselves and their own personal growth.
The biggest one of all, patience with yourself. Probably the hardest. Probably the most impossible! Probably one of the most important. How often do we make a mistake and act so hard on ourselves? How often when we make a mistake in public does it infuriate us with embarrassment? Face goes all red, immediate hot flash where you feel like your neck is on fire, start to sweat looking around at everyone who might be staring at you immediately judging them for judging you which they might not even be doing. My biggest key to patience with myself, is humor. In the worst stages of my life through bad health problems or just being plain out right treated badly by another I get my best bouts of humor. My dad taught me if I take an embarrassing situation and make fun of it before anyone else can it's like ripping the rug right from underneath them. I agree. I can make fun of it my way, get a laugh and then no one feels they need to say anything at all and my feelings don't get hurt. But when they do, I have patience. I kneel in prayer often having learned to pray for my enemies that their hearts will soften and they will be forgiving of me for my short comings. I pray often for myself that I also will be forgiving of my shortcomings. I have to make a point of working on that all the time. I pray because I know I can't do it alone.
Everyone has weaknesses. Some people get offended when you tell them that they aren't perfect because in their minds they're trying so hard to be. I propose this question to you. Is your idea of what's perfect the same as the God who created you's idea of perfect is? If you are unsure seek out the answers. Once again be patient with yourself in overcoming your weaknesses. It may take a lifetime to correct some of them and you have to live your whole life with you. Instead of damning yourself maybe try some encouragement instead. Anne of Green Gables quote I still have to remind myself to live by: "Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it." I feel like I never do anything right, or that my day could have gone a lot differently, maybe I could have done this instead of that, or I should have done these things first. I do that on a daily basis. That's when that quote pops into my head and I remind myself there's always tomorrow to start anew. It's nice to be able to uplift myself when I need it. If you need it to and you need someone other than yourself to say it to you give me a call. There are days I don't believe myself either lol.
Life is an amazing journey and I find myself more and more being grateful for every inch of it. Even the things I had to survive through or tolerate that seemed unbearable and unfair. I grew from them. I see life a lot differently now. Bad things happen to us all whether you are a sinner or a saint. "The rain falls on the just and the unjust" and as long as I feel like I'm doing my best it's all ok. Even on the days where I know I could do better instead of being impatient with myself about it, I just write it all down, or say my frustration out loud, and try again tomorrow. If I run out of tomorrows then I am grateful to say that I'm in a place where I can say it's ok, you tried your best and that's something to be proud of.
My secret is........................................patience. The hardest thing in this world to aquire and also hard to execute. Patience means in the face of adversity you embrace long suffering during your trials as a learning tool instead of a 'why me' burden. Challenges in life don't always have to be amplified to horrific from their simplicity. Maybe that's a little too factual and direct for some of you and I understand if you disagree that's fine. But I think we complicate it more than it should be most of the time. Life is hard and life is messy and we are human and get worn down but patience in your adversity and accepting these challenges for what they are at face value will definitely help you overcome them sooner than later with a better understanding of the "why".
Having patience with your kids also extremely vital not only for your growth as a parent but also for the growth of your children and their friends who associate with them. Don't underestimate the power of your influence on your children's friends. In my own personal experience with this the neighborhood children who come into our home know the rules in it. My children were taught the rules and pass it on to their friends, any friends, they encounter whether they physically come into our home or not. My children have outright told people who want to be friends with them what we as their parents expect. No cussing, no lying, be compassionate and helpful, don't take everything so seriously or be easily offended, things of that nature. Through our influence on our children, they have the opportunity and ability to influence many others that will in turn influence even more. That's why I hate being quick to judge. I don't know every circumstance that happens in everyone's lives I can only control my own. That includes my children. I don't see life through their eyes or share all of their experiences, too personal. But I can have patience and faith that they will keep influencing others for the greater good and continue to create a world of freedom and joy. I can be patient with them when they make mistakes, even mistakes that are so horrible it makes me shudder to think. I can be patient with them and their own learning process to figure it out and answer any questions or share advice when they ask for it, counseling with them as often as I can to choose what's right not only for their parents sanity but for themselves and their own personal growth.
The biggest one of all, patience with yourself. Probably the hardest. Probably the most impossible! Probably one of the most important. How often do we make a mistake and act so hard on ourselves? How often when we make a mistake in public does it infuriate us with embarrassment? Face goes all red, immediate hot flash where you feel like your neck is on fire, start to sweat looking around at everyone who might be staring at you immediately judging them for judging you which they might not even be doing. My biggest key to patience with myself, is humor. In the worst stages of my life through bad health problems or just being plain out right treated badly by another I get my best bouts of humor. My dad taught me if I take an embarrassing situation and make fun of it before anyone else can it's like ripping the rug right from underneath them. I agree. I can make fun of it my way, get a laugh and then no one feels they need to say anything at all and my feelings don't get hurt. But when they do, I have patience. I kneel in prayer often having learned to pray for my enemies that their hearts will soften and they will be forgiving of me for my short comings. I pray often for myself that I also will be forgiving of my shortcomings. I have to make a point of working on that all the time. I pray because I know I can't do it alone.
Everyone has weaknesses. Some people get offended when you tell them that they aren't perfect because in their minds they're trying so hard to be. I propose this question to you. Is your idea of what's perfect the same as the God who created you's idea of perfect is? If you are unsure seek out the answers. Once again be patient with yourself in overcoming your weaknesses. It may take a lifetime to correct some of them and you have to live your whole life with you. Instead of damning yourself maybe try some encouragement instead. Anne of Green Gables quote I still have to remind myself to live by: "Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it." I feel like I never do anything right, or that my day could have gone a lot differently, maybe I could have done this instead of that, or I should have done these things first. I do that on a daily basis. That's when that quote pops into my head and I remind myself there's always tomorrow to start anew. It's nice to be able to uplift myself when I need it. If you need it to and you need someone other than yourself to say it to you give me a call. There are days I don't believe myself either lol.
Life is an amazing journey and I find myself more and more being grateful for every inch of it. Even the things I had to survive through or tolerate that seemed unbearable and unfair. I grew from them. I see life a lot differently now. Bad things happen to us all whether you are a sinner or a saint. "The rain falls on the just and the unjust" and as long as I feel like I'm doing my best it's all ok. Even on the days where I know I could do better instead of being impatient with myself about it, I just write it all down, or say my frustration out loud, and try again tomorrow. If I run out of tomorrows then I am grateful to say that I'm in a place where I can say it's ok, you tried your best and that's something to be proud of.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Things I need to work on....
1. My stress level. I need to work on shutting out the world a little bit more and letting in the Spirit without walls to constrain me.
2. My idea of the perfect woman. I need to look myself in the mirror and remember everything I've overcome and accomplished in life instead of thinking about all the things I fall short on.
3. My idea of the perfect body. I had the closest to the perfect body when I was in high school, working out, and playing soccer. I have to let that go and realize that children and Motherhood change everything and I should wear my stretch marks with honor instead of embarrassment.
4. My idea of the perfect family. Life is messy and Bissell isn't going to clean it up. But through prayer and sincere love for each other we can work together as a team and take on life's challenges with as much vigor as a pirate takes over a ship.
5. My musical talents and abilities. I have abandoned and forsaken so many of them. I truly am blessed with blessings to write music, play many instruments, and sing well and I have to try not to waste that. I'm still working on it lol.
6. My ambitions to further my education. I have always excelled at school and have this incredible thirst to learn everything I can get my hands on. I just need to pick something and stick with it as long as I can and hopefully I'll find what it is I'm supposed to accomplish but I'll never get anything done wondering about it. BYU independent here I come!
7. My need for friends. It has been a struggle for me to make friends that I feel as close to as the ones I've had back home and I have made several efforts here but I will occasionally get weird, uncomfortable looks. The ones I do feel close to I'm not sure they feel close to me at all. But I will never give up trying to find that handful of friends that I can bare my soul to without fear of judgement.
8. My house. My house bugs me the way it was built. But instead of trying to make it how it should have been I need to work the problem and do the very best I can to create house I can smile at and feel completely comfortable in and I need to be patient because, duh, that takes time.
9. My husband. I need to be more expressive to my husband when I need to have time just the two of us. He usually is busy doing something or reminds me of all of the kids commitments to things but I really need to stop being shy and speak up when I need time with him. As you all know none of us are mind readers. ( well maybe some of you lol )
10. Forgiveness. When people wrong me and honestly apologize to me I am quick to forgive and try to move on from it. When I wrong myself, it's unbearable to me. I can't walk away, I can't look in the mirror and see someone else every day, and I can't escape my own head reminding me all the time. I need to work on allowing myself mistakes and choose to learn as fast as I can from them but also to let them go instead of allowing those memories to flood my mind and hurt myself all over again. Need to have mind control on myself maybe that's what I need to invent lol.
2. My idea of the perfect woman. I need to look myself in the mirror and remember everything I've overcome and accomplished in life instead of thinking about all the things I fall short on.
3. My idea of the perfect body. I had the closest to the perfect body when I was in high school, working out, and playing soccer. I have to let that go and realize that children and Motherhood change everything and I should wear my stretch marks with honor instead of embarrassment.
4. My idea of the perfect family. Life is messy and Bissell isn't going to clean it up. But through prayer and sincere love for each other we can work together as a team and take on life's challenges with as much vigor as a pirate takes over a ship.
5. My musical talents and abilities. I have abandoned and forsaken so many of them. I truly am blessed with blessings to write music, play many instruments, and sing well and I have to try not to waste that. I'm still working on it lol.
6. My ambitions to further my education. I have always excelled at school and have this incredible thirst to learn everything I can get my hands on. I just need to pick something and stick with it as long as I can and hopefully I'll find what it is I'm supposed to accomplish but I'll never get anything done wondering about it. BYU independent here I come!
7. My need for friends. It has been a struggle for me to make friends that I feel as close to as the ones I've had back home and I have made several efforts here but I will occasionally get weird, uncomfortable looks. The ones I do feel close to I'm not sure they feel close to me at all. But I will never give up trying to find that handful of friends that I can bare my soul to without fear of judgement.
8. My house. My house bugs me the way it was built. But instead of trying to make it how it should have been I need to work the problem and do the very best I can to create house I can smile at and feel completely comfortable in and I need to be patient because, duh, that takes time.
9. My husband. I need to be more expressive to my husband when I need to have time just the two of us. He usually is busy doing something or reminds me of all of the kids commitments to things but I really need to stop being shy and speak up when I need time with him. As you all know none of us are mind readers. ( well maybe some of you lol )
10. Forgiveness. When people wrong me and honestly apologize to me I am quick to forgive and try to move on from it. When I wrong myself, it's unbearable to me. I can't walk away, I can't look in the mirror and see someone else every day, and I can't escape my own head reminding me all the time. I need to work on allowing myself mistakes and choose to learn as fast as I can from them but also to let them go instead of allowing those memories to flood my mind and hurt myself all over again. Need to have mind control on myself maybe that's what I need to invent lol.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Do I really have to go?!
I really hate doctor's offices. I rarely spent much time in any as a child other than to update my shots and get the occasional stitch. I come from a childhood filled with tree climbing, jumping off of buildings we're not supposed to, and almost of more than one occasion being dragged by a horse or two. But you know we chalk that up to life and think it's awesome. But once I hit about 12 years of age I started visiting doctor's offices a lot more often.
First thing they discovered was asthma. Was NOT happy about that at all that's a lifetime commitment to inhalers and I wasn't too fond of them to begin with when other people used them. From then on it was like my immune system crashed. I got the chicken pox twice and there is no amount of calamine lotion in the world that would help you. Even if you filled a pool or bath tub full of calamine lotion the only thing that would help is it would have been harder for your mother to see you scratch. I still have scars from that. Then it was tension headaches that would last for months at a time. I'd rather be dead it's amazing I lived through that because just standing up from bed and my heart pumping a little bit faster was light take a sledge hammer to my temples. Then came anemia which they said was easy to control just eat more beef and being from Alberta that's no problem.
But then there was a severe case of depression following a 3 year case of anorexia. Just like every other girl in Junior High and High School I stopped eating and when I did it was either tiny amounts or add some bulimia. Some of you reading this are going "holy crap!" isn't it wonderful that doctor's have to keep their mouths shut? I do like that part a really lot! The depression was pretty severe no one even in my family knows how bad and plenty of kids at school made fun of me for it not knowing what was really going on with me. I would have to say I hid it well in grades 10 and 11 but by the time I got to senior year I just didn't have the mental capacity or physical energy to hide it anymore.
I hated going to the doctor's office in high school for just about anything because they knew my history and would always check up on me. How annoying when doctors that have gone to 8+ years of medical schooling pretend to know everything. ( hehehehe) I always hated especially being weighed and I still hate it I will always hate it. If I weighed 90 lbs I would hate it and be hard on myself so I've spent a lifetime trying not to care about all that crap. As long as I'm healthy and happy that's all that matters. Life is just too short to constantly try fad diets, and pills, and programs that are ALWAYS temporary. I say just be who you are it's who you were always meant to be anyways. Just be the best you in the most important ways. I'm not saying give up and be unhealthy either. I'm saying get out there and do all the things that you love doing and stay active on your own terms and if it's something that makes you uncomfortable doing alone then don't do it you should be able to enjoy anything on your own terms.
I worked really hard on all of those other issues as soon as I graduated high school and it took a lot of strength I didn't even know I had to smile and mean it. But I did get there through friends and faith. It's my fault my family never really knew what was going on or didn't believe me when I told them I should have been more straight forward about it all and for that I apologize.
I will literally wait until the very last minute of a disease or medical problem that I'm having to call the doctor and even then, I have to talk myself into driving myself there and taking care of it. I get so uncomfortable sitting in the waiting room, I get all nervous and sweaty waiting for them to call my name and I'm always expecting harsh judgement when I get in there and speak with the doctor. Not once since I've moved to St Louis have I ever had my doctor be rude to me or even beat around the bush. We have very straight to the point honest conversations. I don't feel rushed once I see her, and I always leave feeling so much better that I addressed it and hope that I won't have to go back for at least a year. ( keep dreaming ) Now if my experiences are always good, why do I still dread and hate being there?
First thing they discovered was asthma. Was NOT happy about that at all that's a lifetime commitment to inhalers and I wasn't too fond of them to begin with when other people used them. From then on it was like my immune system crashed. I got the chicken pox twice and there is no amount of calamine lotion in the world that would help you. Even if you filled a pool or bath tub full of calamine lotion the only thing that would help is it would have been harder for your mother to see you scratch. I still have scars from that. Then it was tension headaches that would last for months at a time. I'd rather be dead it's amazing I lived through that because just standing up from bed and my heart pumping a little bit faster was light take a sledge hammer to my temples. Then came anemia which they said was easy to control just eat more beef and being from Alberta that's no problem.
But then there was a severe case of depression following a 3 year case of anorexia. Just like every other girl in Junior High and High School I stopped eating and when I did it was either tiny amounts or add some bulimia. Some of you reading this are going "holy crap!" isn't it wonderful that doctor's have to keep their mouths shut? I do like that part a really lot! The depression was pretty severe no one even in my family knows how bad and plenty of kids at school made fun of me for it not knowing what was really going on with me. I would have to say I hid it well in grades 10 and 11 but by the time I got to senior year I just didn't have the mental capacity or physical energy to hide it anymore.
I hated going to the doctor's office in high school for just about anything because they knew my history and would always check up on me. How annoying when doctors that have gone to 8+ years of medical schooling pretend to know everything. ( hehehehe) I always hated especially being weighed and I still hate it I will always hate it. If I weighed 90 lbs I would hate it and be hard on myself so I've spent a lifetime trying not to care about all that crap. As long as I'm healthy and happy that's all that matters. Life is just too short to constantly try fad diets, and pills, and programs that are ALWAYS temporary. I say just be who you are it's who you were always meant to be anyways. Just be the best you in the most important ways. I'm not saying give up and be unhealthy either. I'm saying get out there and do all the things that you love doing and stay active on your own terms and if it's something that makes you uncomfortable doing alone then don't do it you should be able to enjoy anything on your own terms.
I worked really hard on all of those other issues as soon as I graduated high school and it took a lot of strength I didn't even know I had to smile and mean it. But I did get there through friends and faith. It's my fault my family never really knew what was going on or didn't believe me when I told them I should have been more straight forward about it all and for that I apologize.
I will literally wait until the very last minute of a disease or medical problem that I'm having to call the doctor and even then, I have to talk myself into driving myself there and taking care of it. I get so uncomfortable sitting in the waiting room, I get all nervous and sweaty waiting for them to call my name and I'm always expecting harsh judgement when I get in there and speak with the doctor. Not once since I've moved to St Louis have I ever had my doctor be rude to me or even beat around the bush. We have very straight to the point honest conversations. I don't feel rushed once I see her, and I always leave feeling so much better that I addressed it and hope that I won't have to go back for at least a year. ( keep dreaming ) Now if my experiences are always good, why do I still dread and hate being there?
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