Fighter

I have been dealing with so many health issues this past year it makes me nauseous to think about it.  After completely harming my thyroid with radioactive iodine to slow it down I have gained almost 40 lbs.  That's a lot, more than I gained when I was pregnant.  It hasn't been easy to adjust to, I don't like having it, I hate that I'm hypothyroid and that it's next to impossible to get rid of.  My biggest challenge is how to get rid of it without harmful side effects.

Because of the level of stress and busy daily life I have I started jogging again.  There were only ever a few things that ever made me truly happy and jogging is one of them.  Very freeing.  I have to make the time which I have been and enjoying every minute, I almost get upset if I have to miss a day that endorphin rush is addictive.  But being a homemaker means my kids take my priority over anything else, and since we've all been sick at one time or another over the course of the last few weeks my house has taken a back burner and we are only now getting back to the routine of things.  Funnily enough, just before Christmas Break.  Typical timing for us I assure you.

In the last year, along with health issues adding up with hypothyroid at the helm and taking me for a ride I'd like to get off of ( next stop please ),I have had two anxiety attacks.  All sweaty, couldn't breathe, and sheer panic.  The first one I didn't recognize what it was.  It was over a conversation that left me scared and I saw my happy stable life get nudged and almost derail.  It was something I was surprised to hear, having some idea but it's almost like someone showing you a piece of the black hole behind a door and suddenly the doors are swung open so you can see the true vastness of what's really going on.  I couldn't breathe.  I couldn't even cry, I just sat there gasping for air for a about 10 minutes until my lips went numb and all I kept trying to do was long steady breaths.

My second one was much worse and over something completely different.  No one told me that the radiation from the iodine would cause me to lose as much hair as I did.  I went from breaking elastics thick and curly to wrapping the elastics 6 or 7 times in one ponytail.  I could even feel in the back where it was thinning the most and felt like Mr Clean's wife.  My heart raced, I couldn't breath, and I was sweating.  I just kept............freaking out.  I couldn't stop it took forever to calm myself down.  Know what it was that calmed me?  My husband knelt down and gave me a hug, and everything came flooding out.  Tears and snot all over his poor shoulder.  But it was nice to get the emotion of what has been going on with me out, all of it.   I can't begin to explain how angry and hurt I was at losing so much of my hair.  It's my best feature, long curly hair.  And it was breaking off, thinning out, and all that was left was the noticeable 40 lbs I've gained.  I was scared to leave the house and never took my hair out of a ponytail for months.

I finally went to a local hairdresser and I was scared that she would judge me or tell me all the things I'm doing wrong.  I think they're trained to do that in part because they need to sell product.  But I was very sensitive and it was my 14 year old daughter that held my hand.  She took me to Great Clips nearby and told me they were very kind and they would never do that to me.  I trusted her.  Not only was this hairdresser patient and kind with me, but she put notes on the computer about my health condition so that anyone else who might get me would know what's been going on so I don't have to explain it again and they won't be rude about it.  I'm grateful for such a simple kindness.  There's no way she knew my reaction just 2 weeks beforehand.

I feel like I'm fighting for my right to live my life, my way all the time now.  It's a constant battle of emotional ups and downs, physical pain ( almost every single day ), and daily stress to still be the kind of Mother and Wife I need to be not only for my family, but for me.  I don't pray as often as I should lately because I think deep down I'm afraid to ask once again for help on the same subject that I've been begging for help all along.  I mean how much can He really stand of me asking the same things.  I know I should think of another question to ask but I was always taught that  what's important to me is important to Him also.  I just need to accept his timing on the matter.  Patience with Him and with myself.

I can't just sit here and stop trying though.  I can't.  Even when I pull a muscle or can barely stand because I've only had 12 hours of sleep in 4 days I can't bring myself to stop.  I don't want to.  I want to fight.  I want to endure to keep going.  I want to improve and to learn and to grow.  Is that too much to ask?