Since Levoxyl is no longer available and with no specific announcement of it's return I have succumbed to the fact that this more bad days than good might be a little more permanent than I want it to be. I have continued with level testing and keeping in touch with my doctor feeling more tired tham usual as well as being in a fog much of the time. It's embarrassing to say the least and when you feel this tired at this age yes the word defeated enters my mind quite often. I simply have little to no energy at the moment and have yet to learn how to pace myself for the important things so I don't wear out so quickly. Hard to do when you still feel young but your body can't show it. More sleep of course doesn't do a thing I've tried that and believe me some days I could sleep all day if I was living alone. Like I said I have to learn how to pace myself a little bit better and learn to reserve energy for the important stuff.
With three kids home for the summer everyone around me does that wonderful assumption that the teenagers are home they can help out a little more around the house with me and miss toddlerpants. Think before you speak! If you have ever had teenagers their lives are full and busy. Friendships reach an all time high during the summer months so they can 'hang out', feel independent, maybe work some odd jobs to earn some 'summer money' and rightfully so. I encourage that it's a big important part of growing up. But that being said I am learning as I go, asking a bit more of them than I have previously as the need arises more frequently hopefully not 'bugging them'. As a result their allowances have increased as well so I hear no complaints in that department lol.
But! It makes me feel guilty. Ah a Mother's guilt. It's incredibly powerful and relentless sometimes. I have cried on my own in my room or bathroom often lately feeling guilty that I even had to ask them to help out a bit more around the house. It makes me feel like I've failed them somehow as their Mother. Every time they say, "Mom you sure haven't been feeling well a lot lately or Mom you're always tired." it breaks my heart into a pool of 'I wish it could be different's'. We are all still coming to terms with everything that has happened to me health wise over the past 2 years. It's hard to accept for me I'm used to being a force to be reckoned with. It's hard to feel defeated like this, I feel small, pointless.
Meditation is a great tool and current savior to these feelings of guilt and defeat. However foggy and tired my mind might be, it can still focus, it can still find solutions quickly and easily, and it can still dream. Lately on it's own it brings back memories of accomplishments. They aren't just I used to be's they are I did that's.
I would love to add more great accomplishments to that list, for now, raising a great family is accomplishment enough for me. I just have to find another angle to look at my life and I'm working on that.
I'm still a work in progress, learning, changing, growing. I choose to ignore as much negativity as I possibly can I just don't have the strength for it anymore. I prefer to channel what energy I do have on the positive. My family, taking care of them is what I do best, without them defeat would win in the end and I'm grateful for their kindnesses and even their distractions. I am still learning to pace myself wisely. The things I know I will have the energy to accomplish on my own throughout the day, and the things I'll need to ask for help to achieve (begrudgingly I'll work on that too). You can ask anyone who really knows me, how hard is it for me to ask for help? ( pause for the laughing) I know, stubborn to the core.
There's this, fire inside me. Pushing me. Urging me to continue the best I can. The key word is 'try'. Always try your best and ease up on yourself if you don't get it right the first time. Just wake up tomorrow and try again. If I can keep going, you have no excuse not to. Trust me.
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