Plug your Ears

Remember when you were a kid and Mom would say no to that sleepover or fudge pop and you would put your hands over both ears and start singing la la la la la I can't hear you?  I feel that way today.  Sometimes when I'm looking for answers I get suggestions I've already heard and tried, ideas that are not up my alley and don't want them to be, or search the internet only to discover worldly points of view that never worked in the first place so why would I mess up my own life trying it.  Frustrating.

I don't like hearing that my kids in order to be accepted and loved need to be a certain size, say certain things, be like everyone else.  That's not life!  That's not realistic.  I have always encouraged them to be themselves no matter what.  If people struggle to accept them the way the are that's just fine.  Friends come and go in and out of your life so frequently and sometimes they stay but a moment because you share that one thing at the time in common.  It happens.

I don't like the world telling me because I'm bigger than a 0 that I'm worthless.  That if I don't share the main stream's point of view I'm stupid or selfish.  I despise it when people can't get over it.  I have to.  Why don't you?  It's like everyone's writing their own rules and saying well my way is better do this.  But really, shouldn't you simply be doing what's best for you?  Your family?  Even as far as parenting I have an idea how I want to parent and how I raise my kids.  The kind of people I would like them to become.  Does that mean they have to be?  One can hope right lol.

I have been trying desperately to lose weight and do as my doctors tell me.  As a result no matter how hard I try, I am failing at it.  Everyone keeps telling me to be patient but I can't just keep waiting can I?  I'm getting older.  Not younger.  I am actually scared to go to my doctors office and have him check my thyroid and blood sugar levels and weigh me.  He looks at me like I'm a liar when I say everything I've been doing and why isn't it working.  Like it's my fault.  When I try to ask for suggestions he gives me the same ones.  The very definition of stupidity is doing the same things over and over and expecting new results.

I need to find my own path.  My way.  I eat on average 680-860 calories per day because I'm afraid to eat anymore.  I exercise a minimum of 30 minutes a day no matter how tired or sick or anything I am.  I feel like I'm in some kind of jail and there's no escape.  It's so completely frustrating.  I have support.  I love them all so dearly for it.  I try to add things I enjoy for cardio like dancing and tennis.  But those eventually will feel like a chore if I'm always worried about what my doctor will say.  I don't know what else to do.  He's given me fantastic ideas that worked brilliantly the last three years but I can't see to lose another pound.  I've been trying for 4 months to get off this plateau and managed maybe 2 lbs.

I feel disappointed in myself.  Not because I didn't lose anything.  Because I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I have tried to fix it forever.  Why can't I just accept that this is me?