So Lucky to be her Mother

From the moment my oldest daughter was born almost fifteen years ago I knew she was something special.  Those of you who have truly gotten to know her, know exactly what I mean.  She came into this world lit up and her smile........is pure sunshine from the time she was a tiny thing.

When she was about 4 months old she was playing on her quilt on the floor.  I don't think up to this point I had left her side unless she was in her crib.  I was enamored, smitten.  Such a beautiful baby with such a happy disposition.  I was very protective of her.  Still am.  A heart like hers is hard to find, if you knew it like I did you'd be just as protective of it.  She remarkably put her foot in her mouth that day on the floor and I realized it was the same as a picture my own parents had taken of me when I was that age.  So I took a picture of her.  It's one of my very favorite pictures of her and I.

Once we moved out of our basement apt from the city into a house in a neighboring town I thought how great it would be for her to have all that space to learn to walk and run in and to have her own adventures.  Our backyard was huge!  Over the years I watched her learn and grow.  She loved Teletubbies and Dragon Tales and Caillou when she was little.  Of course she loved Elmo as well.  She loved playing with her cousins as much as possible.  Didn't like the attention her knew brother was getting when we brought him home from the hospital.  She had a lot of conniptions over that.

We unfortunately, when she was in her early toddler years, had to insist that her father move out due to his bad temper and drinking which led shortly to a divorce where I was granted sole custody so we were on our own.  Blessings come in different ways and at first we didn't recognize what a big blessing this would turn out to be.  Believe me when I say we did much better and had a much quieter, safer home after that.  The three musketeers!

My daughter has always been friendly and outgoing to others.  It was rough in grade 2 when two girls in her grade called her unspeakable names and I watched her grades go from A's to F's.  These two girls had told their mothers it wasn't them doing anything and their mothers instead of speaking to the principal, who was not only aware that they were bullying my daughter but had already spoken with them about it, called to harass me.  I hung up.  No sense in being yelled at and not getting a word in edge wise.  I called and spoke with her school principal and her teacher who were both doing their best to keep it at school and deal with it as much as they could but since these two girls had added their mothers the principal had no problem adding them to her office and telling them what was really going on.  I remember thinking that these girls really needed someone to correct their behavior and help them to be better people instead of not really caring which one mother eventually did and I commend her for.  Takes courage to admit a wrong and try to correct it.

That summer and the following school year my daughter made tons of new friends including one of these girls that bullied her.  I was impressed.  She never held it against them.  She just didn't understand why.  I remember explaining that maybe if she prayed for them it would help and kneeling next to her and she did just that.  But it did something else too.  It changed her own heart. Made her stronger and more self assured that she was a good person and that she needed to forgive.  Did I mention she was 7 at the time?  Ever since then she has known who she is and what she wants out of her life.  It's beautiful to see such self confidence absent of conceit.

Over the years I have had the honor and privilege of watching her become such an amazing young woman.  Filled with love and compassion for those around her.  Sure she teases but if it hurts peoples feelings and she realizes it she is pretty quick to apologize.  She loves her many friends and works hard to keep them and make them feel comfortable and included around her.  She has high morals and standards not just because Mom and Dad said so but because she pondered what we taught on her own and chose it for herself.  I think her standards might even be higher than mine at the moment and that's saying something.  We have learned over the years that dealing with her in kindness no matter what mistake she's made is the best approach to her learning and growing and development.

As you can see from this blog I've been thinking about her today.  I love my daughter very much.  I worry about her when she's gone and I am always so relieved when she returns and thankful for all the lessons I see her learning from the world around her.  How happy and grateful I am to have her in my life.  She's been through a lot in her younger years, but is has made her strong and courageous, and I love that I get to be around that sunshine smile every single day.  She literally is my sunshine.

President's Day drive home

I went to bed last night with a familiar feeling.  Plugged up nose, sore throat, fatigue.  My cold is back for a second match so let the fight begin, ding ding.  It already won the first match darn it all!  Had me knocked out cold.  I was visiting my husband's relatives at his parents home for the long weekend.  One of his sisters who lives in England visited with her two boys.  I tried to keep up with all of the kids, five altogether.  On the way home I think I made it maybe 15 miles out of the city when I couldn't keep my eyes open.

Then I thought but I hate falling asleep in the van on the road.  I know how many people I make fun of for their drooling wide open mouths and weird positions in the car when they sleep on the road.  Could make a collage with all the funny and ridiculous sleeping I've seen.  Didn't stop my from passing out though.  When I woke I was almost falling off the front passenger seat to the left towards my hubby who I'm sure had that smile on his eager face because he had just had the last hour to make fun of me.  What better time to gloat.  My arms and legs were sprawled out in all angles and corners they could find comfort, and my hair looked like it had been brushed by a chicken.

I immediately sat straight up to fix my hair, I didn't even dare open the visor with the lit mirror on it I just didn't want to know.  I turned to my right to see a trucker smiling at me almost the same face I had seen a moment earlier on my husband's face.  Just perfect when a stranger was making fun of you too.  He's had his entertainment for the year from me.

After what I would call composing myself aka fixing my hair, wiping the smeared mascara, and adjusting my riding underwear, I realized that hubby had made some good time with his driving and that we were already just over an hour outside of St Louis.  Problem.  When you sleep and wake up in a moving vehicle the first thing your body says to you is pull over.  I waited hoping I could hold it.  I'm no spring chicken anymore but I have a strong bladder that's taken a beating from three kids already and still never peed my pants.  So I held it.  Fifteen minutes passed and then a large couple of bumps on the road to which my eyes grew wider and I said we need to pull over I'm gonna burst.  It's really hard to do the pee dance in a car there's no where to really move to to hold it in.

We pulled over 2 miles and what felt like a century later to a local gas station.  These chubby legs don't run often but they did before we even hit park I was out the door and sprinting through the wind and rain to the ladies room.  I was hit with a blast of what smelt like a years worth of dirty diapers piling up in the trash can grabbed my nose and kept going.  Now all I could think about was that smell.......

Ode to my Valentine..

I was fortunate enough to be blessed with meeting a particular individual that made me feel calm the moment I met him.  I remember it well.  The first time I laid eyes on him was in the Calgary airport.  Long hair, long untrimmed beard, almost looked like he'd walked right out of the 70's after backpacking somewhere.  Scruffy carrying a duffle bag.  Then I saw those big beautiful blue eyes.  They lit up the room, they sparkled.  I was intrigued.

He has a luscious South African/British accent and the tone of his voice puts me at ease.  Like listening to a familiar lullaby.  I couldn't stop smiling.  I couldn't stop asking questions to hear that wonderful voice neither could I stop staring at him.  The voice didn't match the appearance, but it did match those eyes.  We could talk about anything or nothing it didn't matter.  You could tell he was nervous around me, so adorable.  He couldn't stop staring at me either.  It was like staring at a familiar face that we'd met before but had forgotten.

His childlike and kindhearted good nature was just what my two children needed.  They were enamored the first time they met him.  I felt like a teenager moments later when my father asked to be left alone with this, beautiful stranger.  Asking him several questions, getting to know his personality.  The children chattering excitedly to Grandma in the next room.  Me 'getting a drink of water' with an ear peeled to the next room.  I remember feeling peaceful, happy.  Not something I'm used to feeling at the beginning of a relationship.  Usually my stomach is in knots, I fumble when I speak, and I laugh at everything they think is funny.  But not with him.

This blessing, this special man, was very careful with my heart.  He could see the scars and the battle it had been through.  He could see how fragile it had become.  He was patient and encouraging.  He made it impossible not to love him.

I remember the first time I visited him in Chicago.  I was so happy to get to visit this enormous city even if it was winter and lake Michigan can blow off enormously cold air in the tiniest of breezes.  He wanted to show me around, which I appreciated and enjoyed but really all I wanted to do was kiss him.  Talk with him.  Stare at him and put him into my memory.  Curl up with him listening to music.  Talking about anything and everything or nothing at all as long as we were there together it didn't matter.

I discovered on this trip that he did not have a way with words.  He acted so nervous and funny.  Saying things that were so off the wall and instead of being angry I couldn't help but laugh.  What an adorable man I thought. Near the end of the trip whilst watching a film and fumbling around with his words, came the ring.  The most magnificent South African diamond ring.

I realize that in my life there is a certain cycle to things.  The second something good happens to me a mountain slide of bad must follow.  During the engagement there were several periods of long separation mixed with high anxiety.  We eloped.  Best decision we ever made.  Sure our parents could have been mad, but instead they found it romantic, sweet, and a wonderful happiness.

I am grateful for my sweet husband, my rock, my joy.  I am grateful for his undying love for me, for our children.  I admire him all the time in everything he does.  I still secretly enjoy listening to him speak.  I sneak long stares all the time when he suspects nothing.  I even do the dreaded watching him sleep occasionally.  My beautiful angel, my strong heart, my everlasting love.  How I cherish you.

A Work still in Progress

Having been so ill I really didn't have the opportunity to do much else this past week except lay on the couch drinking plenty of fluids with the box of tissues, the garbage can, and the remote.  Well, I did have lots of time to think though.  Contemplate memories and decisions past.  Analyzing them all.  Thinking to myself on occasion man I could have done that better or I should have fought harder about that.  It all came down to one thing.  If I had to do it all over again, I would have fought a lot harder for myself.  Been bolder and less afraid.  There were so many incidents that could have not only been a better situation if I had been that way sooner but might never have happened at all saving me a lot of grief in the process.

Thinks don't just happen to you.  They happen yes but we are always in control of our reaction to it.  In some cases we just don't know how to react to certain situations and go blank.  Maybe we say something stupid that causes permanent damage to a relationship or maybe we cause physical harm that we didn't need to out of fear like a reflex reaction.  Maybe we didn't react at all and should have.  We always had the control of our reactions.  Not everything we do goes smoothly but sometimes just knowing that you have the power to control the situation on your end helps a little bit.  We don't always have time to see all the moving parts at the time.

Strength, true strength has very little if anything to do with physical being but rather intelligence, truth, how you handle yourself in times of adversity.  Are you patient and kind when people don't understand you right away?  Are you secure enough in yourself not to worry what people say?  One might measure wealth through a paycheck and costly possessions, another on the years of hard work spent to obtain it.  One might measure strength on the size of the muscle or how scary he might seem to others, another will measure it through tears of grief in public over a fallen family member or friend without fear and is kind to everyone around him using peace instead of violence to overcome intense situations.  One might measure power through his ability to control others, another by his ability to control himself.

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands in times of challenge and controversy."  Martin Luther King Jr.

I have noticed that I shy away when I think the person next to me is a giant.  They have better ideas than me ( or shoot mine down and make fun of it), they have had more experience than I do ( because they have lived longer on the earth than me), and they are more confident in who they are than I am ( they look better in this dress than I do and as a shallow result probably have more friends).  I hate that I do it but you know you do it too.  It IS the same as passing judgement!  Not only am I judging this someone next to me and putting them on a pedestal but I'm judging myself against them (pointless really) and shrinking in their shadow.  You don't have to be a large person, have the most money, be the most prestigious.  You don't have to own the biggest gun, the fastest car (not that I'd mind that) or have the biggest brain.

All those things are awesome and great but we can't take them with us, they wear out, break down, looks fade, retirement comes.  All we are pretty much left with is what we left behind.  Our truths, our passions, our joys, our sorrows,  our experiences ( write in your journal I beg of you!) and our regrets.  I don't know about you guys but that last one really bugs me.  I don't want to be 38 years old thinking about all the things I shoulda, woulda, coulda done and didn't.  I don't want to look back and see me shy away from any shining moments that I should have fought for.  That could have been great to leave behind!

 I am in the process of learning my own strength, finding my own place.  It's a constant work in progress in every aspect of my life.  In my own life's experiences and challenges I have worth not just to me but to others.   I have the right to fight for my place in the room.  I have a responsibility to share the knowledge and understanding that I gain throughout life and pass it on regardless of how it's received.  As I mentioned in the beginning I control my reactions as do you controlling yours.  I am completely comfortable in my own skin on this topic at the moment.  I am learning and will continue to learn to own my place in the room regardless of outcome.  If everyone else does the same there will and can be room for all of us.