Having been so ill I really didn't have the opportunity to do much else this past week except lay on the couch drinking plenty of fluids with the box of tissues, the garbage can, and the remote. Well, I did have lots of time to think though. Contemplate memories and decisions past. Analyzing them all. Thinking to myself on occasion man I could have done that better or I should have fought harder about that. It all came down to one thing. If I had to do it all over again, I would have fought a lot harder for myself. Been bolder and less afraid. There were so many incidents that could have not only been a better situation if I had been that way sooner but might never have happened at all saving me a lot of grief in the process.
Thinks don't just happen to you. They happen yes but we are always in control of our reaction to it. In some cases we just don't know how to react to certain situations and go blank. Maybe we say something stupid that causes permanent damage to a relationship or maybe we cause physical harm that we didn't need to out of fear like a reflex reaction. Maybe we didn't react at all and should have. We always had the control of our reactions. Not everything we do goes smoothly but sometimes just knowing that you have the power to control the situation on your end helps a little bit. We don't always have time to see all the moving parts at the time.
Strength, true strength has very little if anything to do with physical being but rather intelligence, truth, how you handle yourself in times of adversity. Are you patient and kind when people don't understand you right away? Are you secure enough in yourself not to worry what people say? One might measure wealth through a paycheck and costly possessions, another on the years of hard work spent to obtain it. One might measure strength on the size of the muscle or how scary he might seem to others, another will measure it through tears of grief in public over a fallen family member or friend without fear and is kind to everyone around him using peace instead of violence to overcome intense situations. One might measure power through his ability to control others, another by his ability to control himself.
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands in times of challenge and controversy." Martin Luther King Jr.
I have noticed that I shy away when I think the person next to me is a giant. They have better ideas than me ( or shoot mine down and make fun of it), they have had more experience than I do ( because they have lived longer on the earth than me), and they are more confident in who they are than I am ( they look better in this dress than I do and as a shallow result probably have more friends). I hate that I do it but you know you do it too. It IS the same as passing judgement! Not only am I judging this someone next to me and putting them on a pedestal but I'm judging myself against them (pointless really) and shrinking in their shadow. You don't have to be a large person, have the most money, be the most prestigious. You don't have to own the biggest gun, the fastest car (not that I'd mind that) or have the biggest brain.
All those things are awesome and great but we can't take them with us, they wear out, break down, looks fade, retirement comes. All we are pretty much left with is what we left behind. Our truths, our passions, our joys, our sorrows, our experiences ( write in your journal I beg of you!) and our regrets. I don't know about you guys but that last one really bugs me. I don't want to be 38 years old thinking about all the things I shoulda, woulda, coulda done and didn't. I don't want to look back and see me shy away from any shining moments that I should have fought for. That could have been great to leave behind!
I am in the process of learning my own strength, finding my own place. It's a constant work in progress in every aspect of my life. In my own life's experiences and challenges I have worth not just to me but to others. I have the right to fight for my place in the room. I have a responsibility to share the knowledge and understanding that I gain throughout life and pass it on regardless of how it's received. As I mentioned in the beginning I control my reactions as do you controlling yours. I am completely comfortable in my own skin on this topic at the moment. I am learning and will continue to learn to own my place in the room regardless of outcome. If everyone else does the same there will and can be room for all of us.
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