The Warm Makes Me Lazy..

When it starts to warm up around here the first instinct I have is yard work...like most of you I'm sure!  We trimmed most of our trees, we have two that were almost dead that have completely revived over the winter snow and spring rain complain all you like but these two forms of moisture do as God intended and revive the plant life that surrounds you.  As a result we get to benefit by looking and smelling all of it and take in the wonderful sunshine that will always return.  I know some of you in Northern States and Canada are still waiting patiently for the snow to pass on and winter to let go of it's reign these past months, be patient before you know it you'll be complaining that it's too hot.

I get that 'bug' stirred up in me to plant things in my flower pots but this year instead of flowers I'm going to try my hand at herbs and see what I have a knack for.  If I get good at those I'll be brave enough to plant an herb garden.  In the past the only thing that ever worked out for me was my cactus and it died when we had a very unseasonable frost even though it was inside.  The temperature dropped so fast it froze to death poor thing.  I have always secretly believed that everything living hates me but roses.  They do everything they're told and more.  I am anxiously watching my little buds grow waiting for their beautiful vibrant color to grace us with their presence and the opportunity to smell their sweet intoxicating fragrance.  I know they say stick to what you know but we'll give these herbs a chance and a couple of fruits and vegetables as well.

This happens every year it warms up.  I get so excited and eager about all the things I can clean, fix, plant, and paint.  But here in Missouri sometimes Spring is very very short.  As soon as we start hitting anything about 86F I start to melt and turn into a pile of lazy goo.  I make sure in the early mornings or late dark evenings that I water all my plants and lawn and trees hoping they keep that moisture deep in their roots and stay strong for me when we hit the 100+F mark.  That's about it.  My outside work is minimal maintenance, unless I'm suntanning I'm sorry I know such a teenager thing to do but as a previous one I can assure you old habits die hard.  I prefer air conditioning and my basement from here on out unless we have colder days.

I was never this sensitive to heat or sunlight before but thyroid says no.  No to too much heat and no to too much sunlight.  As a result I am more lazy in the summer than any other season.  In fact I would say winter is my busiest time of year lol.  You sure can accumulate a lot of dust with 5 people and 2 cats!  I never vacuum so much in my year than when it's colder.  Last year I had to audacity not to listen to my doctor and got very sick a couple of times.  It was scary and I learned my lesson.  I know I'll get stir crazy that's what kids and sprinklers and water balloons are for!  Also we do Just Dance and lots of reading.

Ahhhhh my favorite part of summer!!  Reading!  No school to get ready for, help at home with baby girl.  There will be naps and reading gallore.  I'm looking forward to sleeping in.  When we need to go for a walk we go to the mall when it's too hot and wander around chatting.  I get to hear my kids tell me all the things they want ( that I can't afford) and all the things they hope to do when 'they grow up'.  It's actually very cool. This year we are trying not to vacation other than our 3 day weekends of camping now and then so we can save money for something fun and exciting like, Disney World.  We're real picky about that stuff we save thousands so we can really enjoy ourselves and take our time.  We've worked so hard to get out of debt that we'd rather be patient and plan than use credit cards that we can't pay back right away.  Sure feels a lot free-er.  I won't mind being lazy on a warm beach during a cold Missouri winter.  In fact I'll probably rub it in, you were warned!

I really enjoy spring, I don't mind being lazy in the summer and I sure am looking forward to all the down time I'll get to spend with my family.  So what are you doing this Spring?

Spring

I dream of living on the side of a mountain, cool and clear streams gurgling through the land.  Fresh grasses and wild flowers and bushes decorating the side of the mountain with color and sweet fragrance.  Feeling hidden in the trees, safe and comforted in their tall slender shadows and strength.  The smell of old wood from a neighboring fence or barn.  The soft grass under my feet like a welcoming carpet.

I dream of riding atop a horse enjoying warm summer air with their hair tickling my face in the cooling breeze.  Feeling the slow and steady movement of freedom.  Lazily enjoying the sun on my face and the soft rolling clouds in the sky changing shape with each passing moment.  Hearing birds singing their sweet harmonies of joy as we ride through the countryside listening to the mountains whispers.

I dream of laying on top of a big pile of hay, the straw itchin' up my back and teasing my nose.  Birds flying overhead with curiosity and wonder.  Watching a storm roll in the smell of rain on the wind.  Feeling the fat drops as they fall on my tongue and fingertips cleansing me, bringing me back to life.  My hair sticking to my face like honey, creating small streams of cold wet rain water.  Seeing a rainbow in the distance beyond the mountain with sunbeams promising their return.

I love the springtime.

My Week Without You

Monday...

After you left, before you were even out of the driveway, I sat in my chair and cried.  Too familiar of the days where we went months without seeing each other and even though I know you're only in Connecticut for a week my feelings of being separated are still raw.  I went back to sleep my heart ached.

When I awoke I checked on the computer to see that you landed safely.  I was relieved and excited for you, for your journey to a new place, a prominent place of learning.  I got home from shopping just in time to get your phone call that you had arrived safely and were on your way to Yale.  I spent most of the rest of the day watching Homeland to keep my from thinking of you and your absence.  I loved playing with our kids today they were a happy distraction.  I made our comfort foods together for dinner tonight.  Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup.  I was so happy when you called even if it was short.  To hear your sweet comforting voice.  I love you.

Tuesday...

I slept well last night despite that empty pillow haunting me.  I missed waking up with you. I missed giving you a big hug before we went about our days.  I asked the kids for hugs instead.  Was a great filler.  Catie did beautifully at our doctor's appointment today.  She made her male nurse laugh.  He said he didn't think he was going to get to smile today but then we came and she made his whole day just by being herself.  They all adore her.  I was scared when they left the room and I had to address this lump.  I didn't want to tell you.  I didn't want you to worry.  She felt it too so now I have another appointment on Thursday to check it.  I keep blaming myself if this is the worst.  I could have done so many things differently and didn't.  I'm sure so many people do that don't they.  This is hard to do without you.  I can't and won't speak to the kids.  I'll carry this on my own for now.  When you called I sideswiped your questions.  I'm sorry.  I don't want to worry you.  I really miss you.

Wednesday...

I rented Zero Dark Thirty today I hope I have a chance to watch it.  The kids seem to demand all of my attention and it's been hard to accommodate them.  They wear me out sometimes.  I really love to hear them giggling and chatting with each other.  Sounds of cheerful laughter.  Makes me smile.  Today I remind myself about this, situation that I'm in.  That I still blame myself for.  Then I remind myself I have the right to choose my life on a daily basis.  I can be whomever I choose at any time I choose it.  Such power and freedom in that.  I like it.  I have this desire to teach and be able to do well by my kids.  To have that opportunity someday to present them at the last day in righteousness.  I want to do that for me and for them.  I hope I can cope with all this stress and any other stress that might come.  I'm scared to talk to you about all of this when you call tonight.  I miss you.  I wanted to give you a big kiss all day.

Thursday...

I woke up calm and relaxed.  At first.  The more awake I became the more nervous and anxious I felt.  Every time someone asked me what time it was I cringed.  Getting closer and closer to my appointment at the hospital.  I really wanted to wake up with you there next to me.  Hold my hand.  Rub my back and reassure me.  After I took a shower I had this calm fall over me like everything was going to be okay, a quiet voice of encouragement that at the very least I would gain a new experience.  

Last night I fell asleep praying, thinking and contemplating what I really want out of my life.  Regardless of it's timeline.  I really want to be able to teach my children, all of them, and bring more into the world if He wills it.  I want to be able to exercise and sleep better, I want to be myself , I'm done caring what others think I am so unhappy when I worry about them more than myself.  I need to worry about me.  The things I am capable of and bring to the table, to this world.  

I got to the hospital early and said a quick prayer that if it's bad news I won't just disappear inside my head that I'll be present in their conversations with me and be able to focus on what they're saying.  To have a clear mind.  They were very nice to me.  They sent me through mammograms and ultrasounds.  Great news all is well!!  Thankyou, my precious Father in Heaven, for your blessings of greatness and joy.  Thankyou for good health, for my sake and the sake of my family.  Thankyou.

I tried to call you all day with this good news but I couldn't reach you.  All is well!!  I love you.  I miss you.

Friday...

I woke up with a smile on my face and sunshine in my heart and through my windows.  You are coming home tomorrow.  I'll feel better when you are safe and sound in my arms.  I can't wait to see you , to hear all that you have to show me and tell me.  

I think I might be getting the flu so this isn't great news but compared to yesterday today is magnificent.  I love sweet moments, precious moments in the middle of things.  Sitting in the chair scratching sweet Catie's back until she falls asleep on my lap.  I love that my children want time with me to keep me with them to spend more time with me.  It's a wonderful feeling to be loved that way.  The house has suffered some my love since you were away.  Distractions and sweet moments have kept my from worrying about my floors and I chose to focus on them, their intelligent and creative minds, their sweet ways with each other.  How I love them.  How I love you.  Be safe.  I'll see you tomorrow and you can see what I did my week without you.

Spiraling Darkness

I don't know about any of you, but I feel like I'm always falling farther down that abyss of darkness than I realize.  I have this.........thing about me.  I offer to help others as often as possible and sometimes at my own expense.  As a result sometimes it feels like I'm spiraling out of control.  I ask myself how is that a good thing,  to put everyone ahead of myself and fall further down?  It isn't.  There's no other answer for that is there?

It's hard to find that balance sometimes.  Well, for me it is.  Not that I'm not willing to say no, I just have a hard time getting it to come out of my mouth.  If I see people struggling my instinct is to help any way I can and do anything they need, as long as it's legal and I won't die from it lol.  I, out of my own free will and choice, am willing to do whatever it takes to help others succeed.  But as a result  I feel forgotten or left behind.

Picture a swirling spiral of darkness with bursts of light and you are in the middle of it.  You see others beneath you begging for help reaching their hands up to you, passing you others because they are exhausted and can't help them anymore themselves.  Now you see these individuals that you help reach the perfect sunshine of happiness at the top and suddenly the swirling darkness starts to close in on you and now you realize, all too late of course, that you need their help.  But they are so happy and distracted by the perfect view and sheer relief from having made it at all that they don't even hear your own cries for help or see your own hand stretched forth.

The question that popped into my head was would it be different if you were asked to do this for others knowing the consequences.  For some reason in my own mind the answer is yes.  If I knew that I could help several others to the top and not be able to attain it myself I would sacrifice myself.  But you know what?  That's the wrong answer.  So wrong.

Am I willing to sacrifice my own self worth and salvation by helping others, and in turn, does that really benefit anyone in the full scheme of things?  No.  It doesn't make it better it makes it worse.  Sometimes we are forced to say no because of our circumstances or simply because our instinct tells us it would be wasted on them and to concentrate on finding those around us that truly would benefit from our help and in turn help us.  A partnership.  I am of no use to anyone at all if I get stuck in that dark abyss.  It will cancel out any effort on my part on behalf of others.

Now why on earth is that so hard for me to do but easy for me to say?  Habit maybe?