Spiraling Darkness

I don't know about any of you, but I feel like I'm always falling farther down that abyss of darkness than I realize.  I have this.........thing about me.  I offer to help others as often as possible and sometimes at my own expense.  As a result sometimes it feels like I'm spiraling out of control.  I ask myself how is that a good thing,  to put everyone ahead of myself and fall further down?  It isn't.  There's no other answer for that is there?

It's hard to find that balance sometimes.  Well, for me it is.  Not that I'm not willing to say no, I just have a hard time getting it to come out of my mouth.  If I see people struggling my instinct is to help any way I can and do anything they need, as long as it's legal and I won't die from it lol.  I, out of my own free will and choice, am willing to do whatever it takes to help others succeed.  But as a result  I feel forgotten or left behind.

Picture a swirling spiral of darkness with bursts of light and you are in the middle of it.  You see others beneath you begging for help reaching their hands up to you, passing you others because they are exhausted and can't help them anymore themselves.  Now you see these individuals that you help reach the perfect sunshine of happiness at the top and suddenly the swirling darkness starts to close in on you and now you realize, all too late of course, that you need their help.  But they are so happy and distracted by the perfect view and sheer relief from having made it at all that they don't even hear your own cries for help or see your own hand stretched forth.

The question that popped into my head was would it be different if you were asked to do this for others knowing the consequences.  For some reason in my own mind the answer is yes.  If I knew that I could help several others to the top and not be able to attain it myself I would sacrifice myself.  But you know what?  That's the wrong answer.  So wrong.

Am I willing to sacrifice my own self worth and salvation by helping others, and in turn, does that really benefit anyone in the full scheme of things?  No.  It doesn't make it better it makes it worse.  Sometimes we are forced to say no because of our circumstances or simply because our instinct tells us it would be wasted on them and to concentrate on finding those around us that truly would benefit from our help and in turn help us.  A partnership.  I am of no use to anyone at all if I get stuck in that dark abyss.  It will cancel out any effort on my part on behalf of others.

Now why on earth is that so hard for me to do but easy for me to say?  Habit maybe?