My Week Without You

Monday...

After you left, before you were even out of the driveway, I sat in my chair and cried.  Too familiar of the days where we went months without seeing each other and even though I know you're only in Connecticut for a week my feelings of being separated are still raw.  I went back to sleep my heart ached.

When I awoke I checked on the computer to see that you landed safely.  I was relieved and excited for you, for your journey to a new place, a prominent place of learning.  I got home from shopping just in time to get your phone call that you had arrived safely and were on your way to Yale.  I spent most of the rest of the day watching Homeland to keep my from thinking of you and your absence.  I loved playing with our kids today they were a happy distraction.  I made our comfort foods together for dinner tonight.  Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup.  I was so happy when you called even if it was short.  To hear your sweet comforting voice.  I love you.

Tuesday...

I slept well last night despite that empty pillow haunting me.  I missed waking up with you. I missed giving you a big hug before we went about our days.  I asked the kids for hugs instead.  Was a great filler.  Catie did beautifully at our doctor's appointment today.  She made her male nurse laugh.  He said he didn't think he was going to get to smile today but then we came and she made his whole day just by being herself.  They all adore her.  I was scared when they left the room and I had to address this lump.  I didn't want to tell you.  I didn't want you to worry.  She felt it too so now I have another appointment on Thursday to check it.  I keep blaming myself if this is the worst.  I could have done so many things differently and didn't.  I'm sure so many people do that don't they.  This is hard to do without you.  I can't and won't speak to the kids.  I'll carry this on my own for now.  When you called I sideswiped your questions.  I'm sorry.  I don't want to worry you.  I really miss you.

Wednesday...

I rented Zero Dark Thirty today I hope I have a chance to watch it.  The kids seem to demand all of my attention and it's been hard to accommodate them.  They wear me out sometimes.  I really love to hear them giggling and chatting with each other.  Sounds of cheerful laughter.  Makes me smile.  Today I remind myself about this, situation that I'm in.  That I still blame myself for.  Then I remind myself I have the right to choose my life on a daily basis.  I can be whomever I choose at any time I choose it.  Such power and freedom in that.  I like it.  I have this desire to teach and be able to do well by my kids.  To have that opportunity someday to present them at the last day in righteousness.  I want to do that for me and for them.  I hope I can cope with all this stress and any other stress that might come.  I'm scared to talk to you about all of this when you call tonight.  I miss you.  I wanted to give you a big kiss all day.

Thursday...

I woke up calm and relaxed.  At first.  The more awake I became the more nervous and anxious I felt.  Every time someone asked me what time it was I cringed.  Getting closer and closer to my appointment at the hospital.  I really wanted to wake up with you there next to me.  Hold my hand.  Rub my back and reassure me.  After I took a shower I had this calm fall over me like everything was going to be okay, a quiet voice of encouragement that at the very least I would gain a new experience.  

Last night I fell asleep praying, thinking and contemplating what I really want out of my life.  Regardless of it's timeline.  I really want to be able to teach my children, all of them, and bring more into the world if He wills it.  I want to be able to exercise and sleep better, I want to be myself , I'm done caring what others think I am so unhappy when I worry about them more than myself.  I need to worry about me.  The things I am capable of and bring to the table, to this world.  

I got to the hospital early and said a quick prayer that if it's bad news I won't just disappear inside my head that I'll be present in their conversations with me and be able to focus on what they're saying.  To have a clear mind.  They were very nice to me.  They sent me through mammograms and ultrasounds.  Great news all is well!!  Thankyou, my precious Father in Heaven, for your blessings of greatness and joy.  Thankyou for good health, for my sake and the sake of my family.  Thankyou.

I tried to call you all day with this good news but I couldn't reach you.  All is well!!  I love you.  I miss you.

Friday...

I woke up with a smile on my face and sunshine in my heart and through my windows.  You are coming home tomorrow.  I'll feel better when you are safe and sound in my arms.  I can't wait to see you , to hear all that you have to show me and tell me.  

I think I might be getting the flu so this isn't great news but compared to yesterday today is magnificent.  I love sweet moments, precious moments in the middle of things.  Sitting in the chair scratching sweet Catie's back until she falls asleep on my lap.  I love that my children want time with me to keep me with them to spend more time with me.  It's a wonderful feeling to be loved that way.  The house has suffered some my love since you were away.  Distractions and sweet moments have kept my from worrying about my floors and I chose to focus on them, their intelligent and creative minds, their sweet ways with each other.  How I love them.  How I love you.  Be safe.  I'll see you tomorrow and you can see what I did my week without you.