With every passing day, working out my issues as it were I feel a little bit better. Hurt, frustrated, so tired, but better. Sometimes I feel like I'm strapped to a whole herd of wild horses that just keep dragging me behind them not knowing what to do with me. Like people around me see me and look around panicked as to how to get rid of me. So bizarre.
Coming up on night 6 of little to no sleep which of course does not help the situation. Baby girl is finally feeling so much better. I spent most of the night trying to keep her hydrated and praying that she'd feel better by morning because my body can't take much more taking care of sick kids. Hubby came home early today, sick. I just about screamed and banged me head into a wall. At least he's old enough to take care of himself but we all know I'm gonna do it. I'll make sure he's drinking, and resting, and taking meds to help him feel better. All this health stuff is wearing me out and for once it's not even mine lol.
I had a slightly unpleasant experience today. I was reprimanded? I had the choice to say whatever and not really care because quite frankly I don't even know this person that well. But I didn't. Gut feeling, inspirational prompting says not to. So I apologized for offending them in all sincerity. You should see and hear some of the stuff I put myself through on my own at the moment so this is nothing. I also stood up for what I believe in because let's face it sometimes others have issues with who you are. In this particular circumstance I have to stand my ground.
Our family has been doing some missionary work for some youth and adults that just plain need to discover how much their Savior loves them. Can't keep that to myself that would be wrong have to share it with everyone I possibly can. I have been supportive, answered thousands of questions and it has really strengthened my own testimony and made me realize how much I need to work on it. This one individual in particular felt the Spirit for the first time in their lives and had the most glorious experience. But his family is not so keen on the idea and recently got after me for speaking with him about it. But this individual won't give up no matter what because they know what they felt and cannot deny it. Makes it complicated for him but I'll keep him in my prayers.
Halloween is tomorrow and we finally got most of the decorations up. I still need a bit more candy though so hopefully I'll remember in this scatterbrain to pick some up after preschool. Our 'Donna' doesn't look so good. Her body parts won't light up and we've had her a long time. Maybe it's time to invest in something new, something bigger. That's what great about the day after Halloween right? The sales! We as per usual have our giant spider that we'll be dangling by a fishing pole from the roof right about the garage. Works every year even the people who live near us are still surprised by it lol. We don't do that to the little kids only the teenagers and the parents that stand back in the driveway. Our big boa snake, fake of course, is hiding beside the door in the bushes. We used to attach it to fishing line and tug on it to make it move but it's much funner watching all those women scream when they notice it on their own. So awesome! We have a cool new addition. A lazy skeleton that lays in his hammock and snores. Chest moves up and down and everything. Looking forward to see reactions from that.
Have a safe and happy Halloween and just keep swimming!
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Feeling Down
Lately I've been very down on myself. Life has a way of getting to us, eventually, and despite my best efforts it's still sitting on my chest and refusing to move like my maine coon cat. Heavy and uncomfortable. I can't shake the feeling that some individuals I shared a very special spiritual gift I have with may have been speaking inappropriately about it and taking away the immense value I place in it. Basically taking something sacred to me and judging it. Not to mention I am still struggling with worry over my kids, my oldest Brittany who had seizures this summer had a serious bout of the flu and dehydration can trigger seizures so that had me hoppin. Adding to that an issue with my son that makes him unhappy which of course makes me unhappy. But I keep praying for him and hoping the best for him all the while being forced to acknowledge that he has to make his own decisions and live with the consequences all I can do is offer support which quite frankly is hard to do when you see your children suffer in any way ( ugh!). Now of course my toddlergirl being sick and that's just plain hard on it's own to see any small children sick like ever! All adding up on me here.
Also, and this will sound so dumb I'm sure but I don't care, I feel as though I'm being silenced. When I am asked to participate in discussions, vocally as in speaking as in have to talk, I am talked over or looked at as though I'm interrupting everyone simultaneously or as if everyone is annoyed at the very sound of my voice. Despite the fact that I have a personal goal to be a better listener. (Oh right, every couple of months I pick something about myself to specifically work on. Before now it was forgiveness.)
Anywho, sometimes in a conversation I've learned that if I get lost or am not quite sure about a comment or statement from the other individual whom I am speaking to I need to ask to make sure I'm understanding them correctly. Largely due to the fact that most arguments take place when someone misunderstands what another person is saying taking it out of context or whatever. Want to avoid that thank-you! I realize that sometimes it's hard to find a pause when some individuals speak. So it makes timing hard to ask the question to clarify that you are following along the way they want you to. I do my best to seek ends of sentences or even a comma if I can depending. But when others do it they're allowed and lately when I do it, I'm not. This leads me to only one logical conclusion.
No one is interested in anything I have to say. Lol which makes this blog entirely hilarious at the moment since that's how I feel. My experiences and opinions seem useless to these individuals. Just because I'm my age, or my size, or my height, or my color, or my anything, seriously they'll find anything to use as an excuse to keep me in my corner, knock me in my place. And that's fine. I understand. But I still see myself as valuable. I've done a lot of interesting things although at the moment all my interesting things usually involve my kids because that's where I'm at in my life at the moment. It just so happens that I'm a Mom. I work very hard at my job in this day and age it's getting harder and harder to teach children value in education, spiritual growth, working hard etc as opposed to greed or wanting things to fill their lives instead of learning how to have good relationships and learn things of greater value than a big house or money. Money as important as it is still isn't everything. The value of the work that you do to earn it and learning new things is far better. I do my best as imperfect as I am.
My kids both have cell phones that they need to pay to have minutes on. They can use their monthly allowances or their jobs or extra work that we are willing to pitch in money for to help them but it is their responsibility. They are in charge of who they give out their numbers to and how many phone calls and texts they want to use. If they run out of minutes and then run out of money then they will have to learn to budget better in the future. I'm doing this now before they buy cars and have to add gas, oil changes, new tires, repairs, and insurance to the mix of their lives. I want them to feel prepared I can't and won't always be able to bail them out they need to learn while I'm here and can help them. I think it's more valuable what I'm teaching them, than the phone itself. Hopefully they'll figure that out. More so I hope it isn't the hard way out there where the world has expectations of them that they don't even know about yet.
But mostly I just feel down trodden in general. It's just another something I'll have to work on and get over.
Also, and this will sound so dumb I'm sure but I don't care, I feel as though I'm being silenced. When I am asked to participate in discussions, vocally as in speaking as in have to talk, I am talked over or looked at as though I'm interrupting everyone simultaneously or as if everyone is annoyed at the very sound of my voice. Despite the fact that I have a personal goal to be a better listener. (Oh right, every couple of months I pick something about myself to specifically work on. Before now it was forgiveness.)
Anywho, sometimes in a conversation I've learned that if I get lost or am not quite sure about a comment or statement from the other individual whom I am speaking to I need to ask to make sure I'm understanding them correctly. Largely due to the fact that most arguments take place when someone misunderstands what another person is saying taking it out of context or whatever. Want to avoid that thank-you! I realize that sometimes it's hard to find a pause when some individuals speak. So it makes timing hard to ask the question to clarify that you are following along the way they want you to. I do my best to seek ends of sentences or even a comma if I can depending. But when others do it they're allowed and lately when I do it, I'm not. This leads me to only one logical conclusion.
No one is interested in anything I have to say. Lol which makes this blog entirely hilarious at the moment since that's how I feel. My experiences and opinions seem useless to these individuals. Just because I'm my age, or my size, or my height, or my color, or my anything, seriously they'll find anything to use as an excuse to keep me in my corner, knock me in my place. And that's fine. I understand. But I still see myself as valuable. I've done a lot of interesting things although at the moment all my interesting things usually involve my kids because that's where I'm at in my life at the moment. It just so happens that I'm a Mom. I work very hard at my job in this day and age it's getting harder and harder to teach children value in education, spiritual growth, working hard etc as opposed to greed or wanting things to fill their lives instead of learning how to have good relationships and learn things of greater value than a big house or money. Money as important as it is still isn't everything. The value of the work that you do to earn it and learning new things is far better. I do my best as imperfect as I am.
My kids both have cell phones that they need to pay to have minutes on. They can use their monthly allowances or their jobs or extra work that we are willing to pitch in money for to help them but it is their responsibility. They are in charge of who they give out their numbers to and how many phone calls and texts they want to use. If they run out of minutes and then run out of money then they will have to learn to budget better in the future. I'm doing this now before they buy cars and have to add gas, oil changes, new tires, repairs, and insurance to the mix of their lives. I want them to feel prepared I can't and won't always be able to bail them out they need to learn while I'm here and can help them. I think it's more valuable what I'm teaching them, than the phone itself. Hopefully they'll figure that out. More so I hope it isn't the hard way out there where the world has expectations of them that they don't even know about yet.
But mostly I just feel down trodden in general. It's just another something I'll have to work on and get over.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Good Times......wait
This weekend was very busy with our son's fourteenth birthday and my Father in law's 67th. It all started with......vomiting. Our fifteen year old daughter was sick all night long and because the bathroom is right beside our son's room so was he. What a great way to start right? She was white as a sheet, stomach cramps, couldn't keep anything down and kept drinking a lot of water. By the way don't let your kids do that. Gingerale is better and has a much bigger chance of staying down water tends to be too heavy on the stomach when your sick. Anywho she spent most of the day either on a couch or in her bed sleeping or laying very zombielike watching tv, sort of.
Meanwhile hubby and I were busy in the kitchen preparing the two 'birthday cakes' that these gentlemen had requested. Our son asked for lemon meringue pies ( total yum) for his 'cake' and I made two of them. He helped stir the lemon curd for the pies so that made him feel happy. They turned out spectacularly! So much flavor and perfect meringue. Hubby had made the cakes the day before, our children on Friday evening had a get together with some friends and a bon fire out back. Sounds like they had a lot of fun we checked on them periodically but for the most part they're teenagers and they know what we expect of them so we left them alone. Sorta. We could see everything out our bedroom window lol. Getting on with it, hubby had already made two homemade chocolate cakes and I had melted some chili chocolate to make the icing for the middle to give it an overall kick. Then he did the rest of the icing while I prepared egg salad and tuna salad for sandwiches since that's what our son requested. Was goooood.
We then took the grandparents, parents, and kids except the sickling to the bowling alley for a couple of hours to bowl. No laser tag or games this time we just wanted to bowl. Brunswick Zone does a nice job of creating a fun and entertaining atmosphere on the weekends our children really enjoyed it. Our youngest daughter, who is three, got her first hair cut on Friday morning so she looks so much more grown up now and pair that with new clothes and her first time bowling it was cuteness overload! We really enjoyed watching her experience bowling for the first time. My personal favorite was when she hit most of the pins in her first bowl and then turned around with a proud look on her face and took a bow! Lol so adorable! Of course after the first hour of bowling we just had to order fries to keep her happy which was fine with us because whatever their fries sauce is, was yummy!
After bowling, which miss toddlerpants was sad to leave, we went to Hibachi Grill ( grill, sushi, chinese) and I stole a ton of chopsticks lol. Everytime we went up for a plate instead of one set we'd grab two it adds up quick and now I'm a happy gal! I looooovvveeee chopsticks. Background, worked with a Korean family and had my own set of silver chopsticks since they frequently invited me over. I believe at one point my father in law told me I was showing off when I started eating dessert with them as well lol. Love chopsticks!
We came back to our home and our sickly eldest ( we would have brought her food if she could keep any down) and had a lengthy visit ( like we always do) about everything. Most often lately it's the government and how disappointing they are. None of them seem to understand the word compromise or work together because they all want to be in control and heard and famously known for something instead of remembering why they're there, for us. We the people have been forgotten and our best interests tossed aside for immature bickering and their arrogant power trips. Pathetic.
Annnnywaaaayyyyys.....our Sunday was wonderful and spiritual and we had birthday cake and lemon meringue pie for breakfast. Best breakfast ever! Son got his cell phone and we bought him a tshirt that looks like the ac/dc symbol but says ad/hd lol and then underneath it reads Highway to Hey Look a Squirrel! Rofl if you knew him you'd think it's so perfect for him! He also got some hawk tshirts and of course money. He was on cloud 9. Grandad got a shooter's bible for his. Our eldest picked our his card that said something to the affect of getting older is at least getting something lol. Was a great weekend!
I wish I could say our Monday has been as great. Awoken at 4am with 3yr old vomiting, @8am hubby woke up and called in sick, and @ 2pm I started having stomach cramps and crawled into bed. But our son is fine! Or next.......
Meanwhile hubby and I were busy in the kitchen preparing the two 'birthday cakes' that these gentlemen had requested. Our son asked for lemon meringue pies ( total yum) for his 'cake' and I made two of them. He helped stir the lemon curd for the pies so that made him feel happy. They turned out spectacularly! So much flavor and perfect meringue. Hubby had made the cakes the day before, our children on Friday evening had a get together with some friends and a bon fire out back. Sounds like they had a lot of fun we checked on them periodically but for the most part they're teenagers and they know what we expect of them so we left them alone. Sorta. We could see everything out our bedroom window lol. Getting on with it, hubby had already made two homemade chocolate cakes and I had melted some chili chocolate to make the icing for the middle to give it an overall kick. Then he did the rest of the icing while I prepared egg salad and tuna salad for sandwiches since that's what our son requested. Was goooood.
We then took the grandparents, parents, and kids except the sickling to the bowling alley for a couple of hours to bowl. No laser tag or games this time we just wanted to bowl. Brunswick Zone does a nice job of creating a fun and entertaining atmosphere on the weekends our children really enjoyed it. Our youngest daughter, who is three, got her first hair cut on Friday morning so she looks so much more grown up now and pair that with new clothes and her first time bowling it was cuteness overload! We really enjoyed watching her experience bowling for the first time. My personal favorite was when she hit most of the pins in her first bowl and then turned around with a proud look on her face and took a bow! Lol so adorable! Of course after the first hour of bowling we just had to order fries to keep her happy which was fine with us because whatever their fries sauce is, was yummy!
After bowling, which miss toddlerpants was sad to leave, we went to Hibachi Grill ( grill, sushi, chinese) and I stole a ton of chopsticks lol. Everytime we went up for a plate instead of one set we'd grab two it adds up quick and now I'm a happy gal! I looooovvveeee chopsticks. Background, worked with a Korean family and had my own set of silver chopsticks since they frequently invited me over. I believe at one point my father in law told me I was showing off when I started eating dessert with them as well lol. Love chopsticks!
We came back to our home and our sickly eldest ( we would have brought her food if she could keep any down) and had a lengthy visit ( like we always do) about everything. Most often lately it's the government and how disappointing they are. None of them seem to understand the word compromise or work together because they all want to be in control and heard and famously known for something instead of remembering why they're there, for us. We the people have been forgotten and our best interests tossed aside for immature bickering and their arrogant power trips. Pathetic.
Annnnywaaaayyyyys.....our Sunday was wonderful and spiritual and we had birthday cake and lemon meringue pie for breakfast. Best breakfast ever! Son got his cell phone and we bought him a tshirt that looks like the ac/dc symbol but says ad/hd lol and then underneath it reads Highway to Hey Look a Squirrel! Rofl if you knew him you'd think it's so perfect for him! He also got some hawk tshirts and of course money. He was on cloud 9. Grandad got a shooter's bible for his. Our eldest picked our his card that said something to the affect of getting older is at least getting something lol. Was a great weekend!
I wish I could say our Monday has been as great. Awoken at 4am with 3yr old vomiting, @8am hubby woke up and called in sick, and @ 2pm I started having stomach cramps and crawled into bed. But our son is fine! Or next.......
Saturday, October 19, 2013
When there is great there is always mind numbing stupidity after it......
You ever get that feeling that things are too good to be true? Everything finally settling down, happier for the most part, getting a lot accomplished in spite of crippling fatigue and pain some days. You know, better. I always get that feeling when I'm comfortable that it won't last long so I tend to take everything I can from it and enjoy my calm before the storm. Storms can be veeeery sneaky.
This one I didn't see coming but experience from other storms easier to deal with. Doesn't make it hurt any less, just makes the logical side of me prepared. I did an experiment of sorts that I kept to myself for an entire year. I called certain individuals over the course of a year to 'check in' with them and make sure they were doing okay. See if they needed to vent, anyone to talk to, or just plain needed someone who loved them to make any kind of effort to say you are not invisible I see you and I'm here for you if you need me. I know saying the word experiment might make you alarmed but I was confused sometimes by these individuals that called me friend one minute and acted like I was a plague or flu the next.
Some to this day call on me and check on me frequently in fact more so in person than just a phone call and offer to help me and ask how I'm doing really standing there waiting for a response besides fine. Others never called, never checked, never asked, and when they did fine was all they wanted to hear before they kept walking. I hate that. Either take a genuine interest in me or don't. I hate the in between where I don't know where I stand with you. That was over a year ago that I did that experiment and something told me about a couple of individuals, that gut feeling, that I got the correct results about them and they just aren't interested in the friendship I offer so to let it go. No skin off my back I was happy to figure it out either way so I didn't feel confused about them anymore.
Recently though, I was blindsided. There are people in my community and my church that I thought I could always count on and would always be there for me even if we had our moments of I don't like you right nows. The information, which I won't divulge, that I received broke my heart to say the least. They were always friendly and kind, happy and loving, and seemed supportive. Then I discovered that's not how they acted when I wasn't there. In fact the opposite. It always hurts to find out someone you loved and called friend just plain isn't. Not only isn't but says the contrary to others you call friend. I feel so sad about this and wish it could be different but there's nothing I can do other than accept it and move on. I'll be sad for a while but here's where my logic stands.
Logically how often do people who gossip about you tell the truth and I don't just mean partial truth I mean the whole truth and their own part in it. On top of that how often do the people who are listening to the gossip about you question if it's truth or not? If they are shocked or appalled at what they're hearing why don't they mention it to the one gossiping? Why not simply state that that doesn't sound like something I would do to their face? Challenge it. I do. I choose to have my own opinion on things. I have respect for everyone else that does the same. And for the record it's ok if you don't like me there's lots of people I don't like either. Sometimes that makes it easier on you when you don't like someone who doesn't like you lol skip the chit chat, the formalities, the b.s, totally fine with me.
But, I do tolerate everyone, and have respect to all who are completely honest with themselves and with me. I just don't like the feeling I'm being strung along. It's awful. I've discovered in my own life how rare it is to find people who think and feel this way and are out loud about it. I consider them great gems in a chaotic world that makes me feel like there are way too many billions of people wearing masks of fake trust, fake leadership, fake compassion. Irritates me to the core but it's the world we live in. All I can really worry about is me. I'm not perfect. I already know that. Would just be nice if others would stop expecting me to be all I can do is my best. I hope you do yours as well.
This one I didn't see coming but experience from other storms easier to deal with. Doesn't make it hurt any less, just makes the logical side of me prepared. I did an experiment of sorts that I kept to myself for an entire year. I called certain individuals over the course of a year to 'check in' with them and make sure they were doing okay. See if they needed to vent, anyone to talk to, or just plain needed someone who loved them to make any kind of effort to say you are not invisible I see you and I'm here for you if you need me. I know saying the word experiment might make you alarmed but I was confused sometimes by these individuals that called me friend one minute and acted like I was a plague or flu the next.
Some to this day call on me and check on me frequently in fact more so in person than just a phone call and offer to help me and ask how I'm doing really standing there waiting for a response besides fine. Others never called, never checked, never asked, and when they did fine was all they wanted to hear before they kept walking. I hate that. Either take a genuine interest in me or don't. I hate the in between where I don't know where I stand with you. That was over a year ago that I did that experiment and something told me about a couple of individuals, that gut feeling, that I got the correct results about them and they just aren't interested in the friendship I offer so to let it go. No skin off my back I was happy to figure it out either way so I didn't feel confused about them anymore.
Recently though, I was blindsided. There are people in my community and my church that I thought I could always count on and would always be there for me even if we had our moments of I don't like you right nows. The information, which I won't divulge, that I received broke my heart to say the least. They were always friendly and kind, happy and loving, and seemed supportive. Then I discovered that's not how they acted when I wasn't there. In fact the opposite. It always hurts to find out someone you loved and called friend just plain isn't. Not only isn't but says the contrary to others you call friend. I feel so sad about this and wish it could be different but there's nothing I can do other than accept it and move on. I'll be sad for a while but here's where my logic stands.
Logically how often do people who gossip about you tell the truth and I don't just mean partial truth I mean the whole truth and their own part in it. On top of that how often do the people who are listening to the gossip about you question if it's truth or not? If they are shocked or appalled at what they're hearing why don't they mention it to the one gossiping? Why not simply state that that doesn't sound like something I would do to their face? Challenge it. I do. I choose to have my own opinion on things. I have respect for everyone else that does the same. And for the record it's ok if you don't like me there's lots of people I don't like either. Sometimes that makes it easier on you when you don't like someone who doesn't like you lol skip the chit chat, the formalities, the b.s, totally fine with me.
But, I do tolerate everyone, and have respect to all who are completely honest with themselves and with me. I just don't like the feeling I'm being strung along. It's awful. I've discovered in my own life how rare it is to find people who think and feel this way and are out loud about it. I consider them great gems in a chaotic world that makes me feel like there are way too many billions of people wearing masks of fake trust, fake leadership, fake compassion. Irritates me to the core but it's the world we live in. All I can really worry about is me. I'm not perfect. I already know that. Would just be nice if others would stop expecting me to be all I can do is my best. I hope you do yours as well.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)