Feeling Down

Lately I've been very down on myself.  Life has a way of getting to us, eventually, and despite my best efforts it's still sitting on my chest and refusing to move like my maine coon cat.  Heavy and uncomfortable.  I can't shake the feeling that some individuals I shared a very special spiritual gift I have with may have been speaking inappropriately about it and taking away the immense value I place in it.  Basically taking something sacred to me and judging it.  Not to mention I am still struggling with worry over my kids, my oldest Brittany who had seizures this summer had a serious bout of the flu and dehydration can trigger seizures so that had me hoppin.  Adding to that an issue with my son that makes him unhappy which of course makes me unhappy.  But I keep praying for him and hoping the best for him all the while being forced to acknowledge that he has to make his own decisions and live with the consequences all I can do is offer support which quite frankly is hard to do when you see your children suffer in any way ( ugh!).  Now of course my toddlergirl being sick and that's just plain hard on it's own to see any small children sick like ever!  All adding up on me here.

Also, and this will sound so dumb I'm sure but I don't care, I feel as though I'm being silenced.  When I am asked to participate in discussions, vocally as in speaking as in have to talk, I am talked over or looked at as though I'm interrupting everyone simultaneously or as if everyone is annoyed at the very sound of my voice.  Despite the fact that I have a personal goal to be a better listener. (Oh right, every couple of months I pick something about myself to specifically work on.  Before now it was forgiveness.)
Anywho, sometimes in a conversation I've learned that if I get lost or am not quite sure about a comment or statement from the other individual whom I am speaking to I need to ask to make sure I'm understanding them correctly.  Largely due to the fact that most arguments take place when someone misunderstands what another person is saying taking it out of context or whatever.  Want to avoid that thank-you!  I realize that sometimes it's hard to find a pause when some individuals speak.  So it makes timing hard to ask the question to clarify that you are following along the way they want you to.  I do my best to seek ends of sentences or even a comma if I can depending.  But when others do it they're allowed and lately when I do it, I'm not. This leads me to only one logical conclusion.

No one is interested in anything I have to say.  Lol which makes this blog entirely hilarious at the moment since that's how I feel.  My experiences and opinions seem useless to these individuals.  Just because I'm my age, or my size, or my height, or my color, or my anything, seriously they'll find anything to use as an excuse to keep me in my corner, knock me in my place.  And that's fine.  I understand.  But I still see myself as valuable.  I've done a lot of interesting things although at the moment all my interesting things usually involve my kids because that's where I'm at in my life at the moment.  It just so happens that I'm a Mom.  I work very hard at my job in this day and age it's getting harder and harder to teach children value in education, spiritual growth, working hard etc as opposed to greed or wanting things to fill their lives instead of learning how to have good relationships and learn things of greater value than a big house or money.  Money as important as it is still isn't everything.  The value of the work that you do to earn it and learning new things is far better.  I do my best as imperfect as I am.

My kids both have cell phones that they need to pay to have minutes on.  They can use their monthly allowances or their jobs or extra work that we are willing to pitch in money for to help them but it is their responsibility.  They are in charge of who they give out their numbers to and how many phone calls and texts they want to use.  If they run out of minutes and then run out of money then they will have to learn to budget better in the future.  I'm doing this now before they buy cars and have to add gas, oil changes, new tires, repairs, and insurance to the mix of their lives.  I want them to feel prepared I can't and won't always be able to bail them out they need to learn while I'm here and can help them.  I think it's more valuable what I'm teaching them, than the phone itself.  Hopefully they'll figure that out.  More so I hope it isn't the hard way out there where the world has expectations of them that they don't even know about yet.

But mostly I just feel down trodden in general.  It's just another something I'll have to work on and get over.