You ever get that feeling that things are too good to be true? Everything finally settling down, happier for the most part, getting a lot accomplished in spite of crippling fatigue and pain some days. You know, better. I always get that feeling when I'm comfortable that it won't last long so I tend to take everything I can from it and enjoy my calm before the storm. Storms can be veeeery sneaky.
This one I didn't see coming but experience from other storms easier to deal with. Doesn't make it hurt any less, just makes the logical side of me prepared. I did an experiment of sorts that I kept to myself for an entire year. I called certain individuals over the course of a year to 'check in' with them and make sure they were doing okay. See if they needed to vent, anyone to talk to, or just plain needed someone who loved them to make any kind of effort to say you are not invisible I see you and I'm here for you if you need me. I know saying the word experiment might make you alarmed but I was confused sometimes by these individuals that called me friend one minute and acted like I was a plague or flu the next.
Some to this day call on me and check on me frequently in fact more so in person than just a phone call and offer to help me and ask how I'm doing really standing there waiting for a response besides fine. Others never called, never checked, never asked, and when they did fine was all they wanted to hear before they kept walking. I hate that. Either take a genuine interest in me or don't. I hate the in between where I don't know where I stand with you. That was over a year ago that I did that experiment and something told me about a couple of individuals, that gut feeling, that I got the correct results about them and they just aren't interested in the friendship I offer so to let it go. No skin off my back I was happy to figure it out either way so I didn't feel confused about them anymore.
Recently though, I was blindsided. There are people in my community and my church that I thought I could always count on and would always be there for me even if we had our moments of I don't like you right nows. The information, which I won't divulge, that I received broke my heart to say the least. They were always friendly and kind, happy and loving, and seemed supportive. Then I discovered that's not how they acted when I wasn't there. In fact the opposite. It always hurts to find out someone you loved and called friend just plain isn't. Not only isn't but says the contrary to others you call friend. I feel so sad about this and wish it could be different but there's nothing I can do other than accept it and move on. I'll be sad for a while but here's where my logic stands.
Logically how often do people who gossip about you tell the truth and I don't just mean partial truth I mean the whole truth and their own part in it. On top of that how often do the people who are listening to the gossip about you question if it's truth or not? If they are shocked or appalled at what they're hearing why don't they mention it to the one gossiping? Why not simply state that that doesn't sound like something I would do to their face? Challenge it. I do. I choose to have my own opinion on things. I have respect for everyone else that does the same. And for the record it's ok if you don't like me there's lots of people I don't like either. Sometimes that makes it easier on you when you don't like someone who doesn't like you lol skip the chit chat, the formalities, the b.s, totally fine with me.
But, I do tolerate everyone, and have respect to all who are completely honest with themselves and with me. I just don't like the feeling I'm being strung along. It's awful. I've discovered in my own life how rare it is to find people who think and feel this way and are out loud about it. I consider them great gems in a chaotic world that makes me feel like there are way too many billions of people wearing masks of fake trust, fake leadership, fake compassion. Irritates me to the core but it's the world we live in. All I can really worry about is me. I'm not perfect. I already know that. Would just be nice if others would stop expecting me to be all I can do is my best. I hope you do yours as well.
No comments:
Post a Comment