Making an Effort

When you look into the mirror what do you see?  Freckles, ambition, freedom, strong will, crooked nose, sadness, a better version of yourself?  I see an older version of how I actually feel.  I see someone who struggles to understand herself and everyone around her.  I see a fighter, a creator, a friend, a mother, a daughter, a wife.  I see love, willingness, patience, and hope.  I see tired, worn out, frustrated, fed up.  Trying to improve yourself on a daily basis is really hard work.  It's never just your insides either you try to improve your life around you.  Be more helpful, more trustworthy.  More organized, more forgiving.

Sometimes the money and the time don't add up so I'll have some new material for a room in the house to improve but no time to execute.  I'll finally find a week to take a family vacation but have to spend a large portion of savings on medical bills, car repairs etc.  You sure do have to fight for your life.  Prioritize.  I need time to sit down and do that don't I.  By the time I find some my priorities have changed and I get frustrated and annoyed.

I pray for help and see leaps and bounds of understanding in myself and those I pray for to have patience with me.  I love to learn His will and make it a personal goal to choose to improve daily.  Sometimes that includes reminders on my 'off' days to keep going and don't give up just because I made a mistake or had a bad day trying to figure something out.  Strive to do better every day.  I need to focus on being the best me I am capable of being.  That has nothing to do with wealth or status.  It has to do with love and compassion.  Hopefully in an intelligent light that love is not without justice.

I have many opportunities of friendship and trustworthy tasks.  I help others as often as I have time to and sometimes rearrange my schedule when necessary to help.  I try not to worry about the little details but see the big picture.  I don't patronize them by ignoring their faults or mistakes but I don't harp on them either.  I make it a point to be truthful even if it's not something I want to say and definitely not something they want to hear but I try to be careful with the emotions involved.  Timing is everything as they say.  I word hard at understanding.  I fall short sometimes.  For that I'm sorry.

I have noticed lately that through this conscious effort to improve weaknesses my heart is changing.  It's slow and steady and I allow myself to make mistakes and try quickly to learn from them.  I am so much more sensitive to everyone around me than I used to be.  I have learned thus far that the Lord agrees with what I'm trying to do and thus the noticeably helping me.  It's not about popularity or stature it's about how it makes me feel.  It makes me happy to try to be a better listener, a better friend and mother.

I need to keep looking in that mirror and improving what I see.  As long as I see effort, trying to be better, trying to learn more about the world around me and about God's plan of happiness for me, I think I'm doing ok.

Lessons I Keep Learning...from Myself

Every once in a blue moon ( so rare) I get a moment to relfect on previous posts, moments in my life.  Times of struggle, times of triumph, times on intrigue and curiosity.  Small lessons and big ones, profound and creative.  They are all me.  It just goes to show you that you are not defined in one word or even 5 words or even 25 words.  You are incredibly unique.  I am like a rubber band in lesson learning being stretched as far as I can go and occasionally a misstep will occur ( I totally make mistakes more than I'd like to)and I snap back.  It always hurts, it's always frustrating but I learn from it and that's the most important part.

I am also like a shiny diamond cut and polished, multifaceted with so many details and yes flaws.  But boy can I sparkle when I want to!  I am capable of absorbing light and reflecting that light to others.  I can shine.  The more I learn and absorb the more I can teach and reflect not only to others but to myself as well.  I've kept a journal since I was twelve years old.  I wrote everything in it and even now at thirty-eight I am still astounded at the lessons I learned.  They are profound and filled with wisdom, intelligence, and light.  Of course not every page is that way some of them say my parents suck for grounding me or so and so was talking about me at lunch and I hate her now.  That stuff actually makes me laugh and smile, it's still a part of me, I felt it at the time.  Even those seemingly insignificant parts have their place and meaning in  my life.

Keeping an online journal like this blog is even harder.  I guess when I started it I felt like I had been hiding who I was for so long that I just didn't see the point anymore and had to let it all out.  Still working on that but it has helped me a tremendous amount to be able to go back to my written journals and this blog and actually see growth, determination to succeed, knowledge and wisdom that still help me.  It's weird when you read some entries of things you've written years ago and find that you just gave the best advice to yourself you could have ever gotten of course not knowing at the time you'd need it like you do now and you can't escape it because it came from you.  What a blessing.

I was recently reading my "shoe fly don't bother me" blog from October 11,2010 over three years ago.  I don't think if I tried to write that blog today I would even be able to do it as well as I did that day.  It's almost scary how perfect it is to me, for me and maybe even for others.  How I honestly feel about friendship in this world and my life.  But that's the point of this blog isn't it.  To be completely honest with myself and hope and rely on you, the public to offer words of encouragement or advice to help me become a better person.  This is a life mission I'm afraid.  I still struggle letting me be myself around others and so desperately want to be able to.  I hate that I hide it drives me crazy!  Sometimes it really hurts my feelings.

So grateful for the opportunity to even have a blog and be able to write it in every chance I get when either something's bothering me or I learn something new or I'm being just plain opinionated about stuff lol.  I like that I can be held accountable this way.  It's soothing to me to know this isn't hidden.  It's not in some book on my nightstand with a pen inside, it's right here in front of everyone.  You never know who's reading or watching and possibly going through a lot of the same things I am or hopefully not going through the same things I am and counting your blessings.  I think there is peace in sharing hardships with others whether they can relate to it or not.

Do yourself a favor.  Stand out today.  Some kind of hidden talent that you might have that someone long ago made fun of you for that you do well.  Sing in a park for no reason other than you love to sing.  Jump on a trampoline in your neighbors yard doing flips you know you're good at.  Something.  Be that diamond.  Shine!

Sigh of Relief

Today the house, the very house we live in, feels a whole lot lighter.  Sometimes when it rains it pours and our family in the past couple of weeks has had an all out flood!  I have no idea what's in the water but I think everyone goes through these cycles.  One minute it's ok for you talk about people behind their backs and the next you're defending them even though you may have been the cause for the chatter in the first place.  As confusing as that is to I appreciate the part where they come around.

I've had so many things to take in and deal with and struggle through with my kids and family and home and church.  It overwhelmed me but today and yesterday I just felt like it finally left.  We were lighter, happier, smiling more, and that awkward feeling over everyone being overwhelmed with school and responsibilities finally came to a head.  It's the build up I really despise.  With this release the mood of the entire house has changed dramatically.  Simple yet important things that needed to take place.

I hope the youth of this world know how important they are.  This world with all it's rules and then extra added rules and lately a very controlling government makes life feel overwhelming, confusing and down right something you want nothing to do with.  I understand that feeling.  However, what the world needs is your good examples.  Your strong spirits who are more accepting and loving and kind.  If you don't have a good example at home please find one and follow them.  You always have a choice that's what freedom is.  Freedom isn't doing whatever you want.  It's the right to choose for yourselves.  The consequences we never get to choose, others around us do.  Exercising their own freedom of reaction to your choices.  Don't back down if it's the right thing to do.  You'll know it's right if it won't hurt anyone around but enhance their lives.  It's okay to fight back and stand up for what's right.  I hope that you know that.  Be careful with your decisions they can affect not only your life but everyone around you so take a minute to consider but not to the point that you are stressed out about it.  Some things don't have to be decided right away.

I sincerely hope that parents are being a good example to their children.  When you have children your life isn't over but it does need to be put on hold or at the very least the back burner to an extent.  You need to live for your children, take the time to raise them in good moral standing.  Encourage them to learn all that they can at this time of their lives so that they are better prepared for the world around them.  Someday you won't be here and they will need to take the lead.  Are you teaching them how?  Absent of greed and material things?  They need to know how to survive, emotionally, physically, spiritually.  They need to learn respect and kindness.  Not everyone agrees on everything even how we raise our children.  Everyone is so individual and unique, which I absolutely love!  But we always need to be seeking common ground with our kids.  It's ok to have the final say, you're the parent they are the child, but make sure you take the time to hear them out before final decisions are made.  They just need to feel like they're heard.  It's important to us all for our futures as well that they are.

Through great adversity and great trials comes greater understanding and knowledge.  Knowledge and intelligence are powerful and some underestimate that a little too much.  Continue to learn, always learning always growing.  You will be blessed.

Venting Does a Body Good

Yesterday I had the opportunity to vent alone and with friends both equally needed and important to destress.  After writing about my wonderful ( yeah right) Monday that felt as if I'd walked onto a television set in the middle of filming, I dropped my youngest off at her preschool , came home, and screamed!  Man alive that felt good! It sure made it easier to breathe.  Then I proceeded to work on the house a bit with chores, especially laundry I steal my toddlers 'blankie" when she's at preschool every week and wash it hehe.
Then I wandered off to the grocery store and felt a lot more relaxed I noticed as I was putting the groceries away.  I even had that moment some of us rarely get where it's peaceful, everything is in order, and took a deep cleansing breath.  I smiled the rest of the way home watching all the beautiful colored leaves floating off the trees in a breeze.

Short lived but still worth it.  When I went to pick up my daughter from preschool the first thing she did after smiling and waving to her teacher, as soon as the door was shut, she said where's my blankie Mom?  Mom of course had only remembered to put it in the dryer a few minutes before leaving to pick her up hoping it would be dry by the time we got home.  So I told her I washed it.  I bet all of St Louis could hear that girl scream.  I tried to explain that it was dirty and now it would smell good and be clean and hopefully dry when we got home.  Didn't care, so much yelling at me.  "I don't want it clean I want it here!"  Goooood grief.  She still yelled at me when I handed it to her and smelled good and was all nice and warm out of the dryer.  Walked up the stairs sat in the rocking chair and staring at me said, I'm hungry Mom.  Payback much?  She wouldn't accept anything I offered, Mac n Cheese, sandwich, chicken nuggets, yogurt, apple, nothing.  She did eventually eat some Ramen noodles but have mercy all over cleaning her blankie.

My husband came home early from work being that he's still not feeling all that well and I took off and went out to lunch with some friends of mine knowing a nice vent session, not just my venting misery love company right?, would be perfect.  I sure enjoyed a break from kids and home and drama, mine anyway.  Was nice to hear other people's  for a change lol.  We were saying farewell to a special gal who was moving out of the area.  Sure was fun!  We'll miss her bunches!

I wish everyone a wonderful happy day despite any misfortunes you may be undertaking at the moment.  Find that one positive thing if you can find it and take that moment for your own peaceful breath and too short time of tranquility.  Orrrrr, go take a long luxurious bubble bath and read a magazine or book that takes you away from whatever ails ya.  Good luck!

The Day I don't Want to Relive....

I woke up yesterday morning feeling a little under the weather.  I got up early anyways to drive my 15 yr old daughter to early morning seminary and decided I would drop her off at the door and then hide around the corner in the parking lot.  I was suffering from a pounding headache and really bad stomach cramps and feeling nauseated so I didn't want to be in front of people lol.  Just in case!

The drive to school was same as it always was only feeling ill the whole time.  But around 11:30 am I get a text from this daughter saying that she has been feeling depressed.  She went into great detail about how long she's felt this way, when it started, and anything ( if any) she's been doing about it.  She said she told a couple of her friends and my first reply was what have they been doing to help you out?  Not really anything specific although one sent her a good idea when you feel like cutting yourself you use a pen and draw a line instead so that one I really appreciated.

It's not easy hearing that one of your children is suffering.  We have established that this began after she had her seizures in July and began her medication Keppra.  It's biggest side effect is depression.  I looked up as much information on what she could take while on Keppra hoping St John's Wort would be allowed but alas it doesn't react well with Keppra so we can't do that.  She has an appointment to see her doctor and our family doctor is just wonderful, however, she no longer sets aside emergency appointments and she doesn't see patients past 3:30pm.  That's like the equivalent of 10 patient appointments per day that have been cut off so now it takes weeks to get in to see her not days.  I'll have to keep calling for cancellations on a daily basis and hope that something opens up sooner.

Having taken some psychology in college though and because she started the conversation while she was at school I had time to write down all the questions I would ask a patient so that I had an objective side to it.  I had already researched ideas to help her in the past but didn't know how bad it was until she finally told me yesterday.  She's felt so much better ever since, I know first hand that being able to talk to someone about how you feel and simply be heard without judgement is the best scenario.  I did remind her however that I'm her parent and when it comes to her health there is no debate.  I have the final say.  I will listen to her and take everything she says into consideration and will be happy to be careful to pick my battles but when it comes down to it I'm still Mom first.

I already knew the best thing for depression was a routine.  Also taking on responsibilities can not only help distract your mind with a productive attitude but it can make you feel accomplished.  So when you feel like doing nothing make sure you do something.  Anything productive.  Start small at first a simple goal you know you can do and succeed at.  Then try new things, acquire new hobbies it helps soooo much.  I hardly had any free time in high school for good reason.  Easier to focus on what you need to be doing than wallowing in depression.  It's hard to push yourself in that state but it's also when you need to do it the most.

Daily exercise is a depressed persons best friend.  Endorphins are this wonderful natural high that you can get any time you want to just by doing some exercise every day.  It's your natural happy drug that can fill you with added energy and focus and it can clear your head and help you with problem solving and finding solutions.  It's as easy as finding someone you trust that you can vent all of your anxieties to that will listen without judgment and offer words of encouragement and walking around the block a few times, or around the park, or the mall even.  Everyone needs that chance to vent what's bothering them in their lives.  Sometimes it even helps you see that and realize that the people who are picking on you may very well be getting picked on themselves.  It's a good thing to learn.

After we had all of this situated and discussed there was much laughter and a walk with venting and a genuine smile on her face.  Wonderful to behold.  I look forward to all our walks together.

But my day wasn't over yet, unfortunately.  My husband burst through the front door around 6pm falling to his knees and sheet white with pain and agony.  He managed to get out the words, "Sweetheart, hospital, kidney stones".  My reply was to run to grab my jacket and my purse and shoes, literally running, and get him to the hospital.  Can I just say if you find someone urgent behind you honking their horn in the left traffic lane trying to get past you that it could be a serious medical emergency not everyone is trying to be a jerk and maybe you should consider moving out of the way instead of being critical and smug.  His hands were completely cramped and he couldn't move them which I've never seen with kidney stones before and he's never experienced before himself so this was PAIN!  They didn't even bother taking their time to register him just get his name in the computer and find him a room for evaluation.  We spent about 3 hours in the emergency room.  Isn't this just the perfect day for me or what?

When the stone stopped moving his color came back, dramatically.  They set him up with an iv for meds when they needed to and did his vitals.  Having a high heart rate and high blood pressure under the circumstances is normal.  They asked him for a urine sample obviously to check for blood in the urine.  Um, it was almost black.  Yikes and no wonder he hurt right!?  He had a CTscan and they discovered it's only halfway through to the bladder and about 3mm in size so passable but ouch.  He's had two previous to this experience so he's an old pro of sorts but he had a 12 year break so it was quite the reminder.  He has swollen lymph nodes they found a lot of bacteria in his urine so that isn't helping the passing (again ouch) and he's on three different meds just to help him out.

Good grief first a week of taking care of everyone else with the flu, then getting it myself then all of this!  God must really trust me and believe in me to think I can cope and handle so much all the time.  It's quite the compliment and you know what?  He's right.  (winks)