Deep Breath...Let It Go...Moving On

It's coming on summer vacation now for all my kidlets!  The pressure's on to keep them somewhat entertained, even the teenagers.  They are always thrilled to sleep in, lay on the couch and watch tv, play video games but it is short lived as they get bored quickly.  It's great to keep myself busy this way and them as well.

Sometimes, even when I'm honest, I am acutely aware that just because I take things with a grain of salt not all others do the same.  My husband's favorite three words to me when he sees that something is upsetting me, "Let it go."  For me, the best way of letting go is entertaining my mind with things to do.  There is always something that needs doing when you're a full time wife and mother.

I already have things like swimming lessons and soccer camps on my radar.  Would have loved to put our 4 year old Catie into T-Ball but by the time I thought of it the registration was closed....by one stinking day!  Typical.  Anywho to my teenagers , ah crap not that, regrets there are plenty of improvements I find to do every year on our home and yard.  They don't always pan out the way I want them to but I set out a plan do my best to execute it within limits and also being flexible to what's out there that I didn't think of and do my best to accomplish these goals.

This year I have my sights set on my basement, yet again, and my kitchen.  We have needed a new fridge for about 2 years now and have finally purchased a Kenmore side by side without the stupid water/ice thing.  Sorry but I think it's tacky unless you are really going to hook it up and even then the water always tastes weird to me.  Kenmore has a pretty high standard of durability which with children I can completely appreciate.  I plan on paining all the cabinets and redoing all the cabinet fixtures including new brackets for some.  My problem and the hold up for the last two years is deciding on a tile, backsplash, or wallpaper that I might use between my upper cabinets and my counters.  I cannot find one that I like and I have looked absolutely everywhere.  I look forward to meeting with a designer coming to our home this evening just to get some ideas!  At this point anything will do as long as it wipes easy and is stain resistant.

I also have to rearrange my basement as we are putting our old fridge, still in working condition, downstairs for what I like to call 'overflow'.  You know Thanksgiving that doesn't fit in the fridge there's no more room?  Birthday Cakes you don't want your kids to get into because it's tomorrow.  You know, that kind of stuff.  I also promised I'd go through all of our clothes downstairs with the kids who despite my willing to admit it, are nearing their college meet spouses and have babies part of their lives.  So they get first dibs and whatever they don't take and I don't save ( girls' clothing) for our youngest is either garage sale or free for all.  Personally the way the economy is I think it shows a lot more faith and gratitude in God for everything he's blessed us with to give it away free and clear.

I'm enjoying my walks, my yoga and even dancing, yes that's right dancing!  Whether or not my family is home I put on my headphones and disappear for a while.  I sweat more with dancing for 30 minutes than I do an hour of walking!  With all these projects and trying to find camps and lessons to keep my kids busy this summer it's looking great!  Hopefully we get to plan a few long weekends in their with Dad while we're at it.

The Worth of Souls

One simple comment months ago and everything became more up front, more noticeable, more obvious, more enlightened.  Kneeling in prayer the words were, "It hurts me to hear you speak of yourself that way.  You are my daugther."  Took me aback.  Wasn't expecting to hear anything but in that one second a soft sweet whisper.  I could actually feel the dissapointment.  Wasn't expecting that either.

I have been pondering it ever since.  Everything is just more obvious to me everything.  Every word, every thought, every action.  I'm quicker to feel that was wrong and apologize and also I am not easily moved when it's the truth.  I realize that sometimes hearing the truth can hurt our feelings, especially if we don't see it or agree with it right away.  It's hard to stand up for the truth sometimes.  It's even harder knowing it may sting someone you love and truly care for and hope the best for.

For years I have always felt that waging war within myself.  The why bother and the don't give up working equally as hard to convince me.  Lately there are so many more details than that.  So much more I didn't see or recognize.  For example, last week I was fed up I have been steadily losing weight and I am very guarded about that because slow and steady means it doesn't return.  Occasionally I find myself in circumstances where the temptation is all around me and it's hard to resist it.  Or I'm simple not able to eat what I should because it's not presented.  I do my best.  I was assured if I kept doing my best and concentrated on helping others that plateau of mine would cease.  My response was I'm sure less than pleasing as it was yeah right.  Such the wrong attitude right?

Mid week I thought well I'm sure nothing's happened, I'm still stuck and was thinking about stepping on the scale.  As I was walking back.  From a  neighbor's home.  Whom I had just helped out without hesitation or reward.  Then I started noticing all the other little things, to me little but not always to the recipients, that I had done every single day of that week so far.  What's funny to me is I had been having the most awful week too!  I saw myself from a different set of eyes that I'm sure I've tried to see myself from before but could never bring myself to look passed my own.

"You're right Lord", I whispered, "I have been hard on myself saying terrible things that shouldn't be said and for that I'm so sorry."  Such a beautiful and astounding feeling of peace and warmth came over me.  I am completely sure that this is will be an uphill battle, in ten feet of snow, barefoot, and carrying a brick, but I am aware now of it.  Now I can begin to walk forward again and keep trying.

You're right you're not perfect neither am I in any way.  But we try.  We set personal goals that are worth while and we keep going.  Never look back, leave it behind, there's greatness in your future if you want it.

Plagued Season

It is sooooo beautiful outside!  My eldest daughter's allergies are killing her, I can relate but I grew out of them for the most part I hope she will too.  In the meantime Claritin seems to be working for her.  My youngest four year old and I have been enjoying playing in the dirt ( planting/weeding), playing at the park with friends, and we are adding riding our bicycle.  Funnily enough doctors orders.  Our doctor Anne Hibbard is the best!  We have similar aged kids so we go through all the same stuff at the same time it's nice to relate so easily.  She suggested we put our "baby" on a two wheel and take away the tricycle so that she can get to two wheels quickly and it will be a short fall lol.  Our 4 year old is considered petite for her age however with her latest growth spurts we'll thinking that might change.  By the way the kids physicals went spectacularly!  Mom is happy all kids are happy and healthy, kids were happy no shots this time lol.

With all of this joy not all feel it.  I have learned over the years that in our families' circumstances it is better to keep moving forward than to dwell or wallow.  When we don't, we are plagued with sadness, self pity and milking the situation for all it's worth.  Granted I have two teenagers but at least they aren't pros at it.  I hope they never will be pros at the pity party.  It does no good to anyone for any reason not even yourself.  Pfft, ESPECIALLY yourself.

Sometimes we can get used to the attention when we struggle and become addicted to it.  Without noticing.  We get used to be catered to and treated well and no one will disagree that it feels good when people fawn over you and take care of you.  However, it is only meant to be a temporary fix.  To help you for a little while until you can take care of yourself.  You are expected to take care of yourself.  To be resourceful and self reliant.  After all you can't be of any service to others if you can't take care of yourself now can you.  Now having said that you can also always find a way to serve others despite your circumstances.

Stop the pity party!  Stop fixating on all the things that are wrong in your life and believe me I understand when they are blaring in your face it's hard to escape.  I'm not saying escape.  I'm saying learn to cope.  When you serve others you are more likely to forget your own trials and worries.  If you don't believe me try it for yourself and you will gain a testimony of it for yourselves.  What's worse, do not under any circumstances become dishonest about your life in any way just to keep the attention and focus on yourself and ailments.  Learn to live with them and cope with them best you can and worry about others who are in need.  Pay it forward.  You got temporary help to get you back on your feet, hopefully doing all you can to get onto your feet in the process, do it for someone else.  You know how much it meant to you to have the help make sure you pass that on and help others.  It's a lifelong cycle.  It's important that it stay a circle instead of a straight line.

It's beautiful outside!  Sunshine, warm air, everyone out walking and talking.  It WILL make you feel better.  Just get out there!  Live again!  No more pity parties!

Contented

Today I am content.  That can always change at a moment's notice but for the minute I am.  Still struggling and getting used to being physically limited.  A whole new disease means a whole new set of rules added on to the last set, but manageable.  I am still coming to terms with them, who doesn't like to do things their own way though huh?  I guess I hate it when I have no choice in the matter most.  Forced.  Hate that feeling.  However, not impossible.  Gets really tricky when I go to eat out!

Last night was a very sacred and special Anniversary for Hubby and myself.  He had a gift certificate for Olive Garden so we chose to enjoy our dinner and evening there.  Always great food we had the friendliest and most wonderful waitress loved her!  I must have sat and pouted at that menu for what seemed like forever!  Olive Garden is all about the pasta and if you have ever or currently have diabetes you have to be careful with pasta.  The portions are huge and I really wanted the steak and gorgonzola fettucine alfredo.  Don't gasp it's all ok.  I ate maybe a 1/4th of the portion and am splitting it up today so I don't overdo my carbs.  It's about total carb caloric intake more than anything and I keep track of the foods I just cannot have.  Pasta does ok with me in small amounts as long as there's plenty of veggies with it!  The steak certainly didn't hurt either.  Super delicious!  Thankyou Olive Garden!

Was nice to get to talk and laugh and reminisce and discuss work and family together just us.  There's something so special about your partner and best friend being the same person.  Can completely trust each other and tell each other anything.  There's never judgement, occasional I disagree with you, but for the most part hubby and I get along very well I love him a great deal.  It's like being a teenager all the time that young love feeling.  Probably annoyed everyone around us!(hahaha) But I don't care.  When we're together alone we enter our own universe.  It's safe and happy there I wish I could be there all the time.  We share the same sense of humor and laugh off the little annoyances in our lives, together.

I look forward to our eternity together my sweetheart.  Happy Anniversary.  Love you!

Out of Sight Out of Mind

I hate when you buy things that you think you need and then give it maybe two weeks you've forgotten all about it and where you've put it.  If you put it 'away' drawer, closet or what have you easier to forget.  Then when someone asks you about it oh yeah that thing I bought let me find it to show you.  Now where did I put it?

Alot of things feel that way to me.  The out of sight out of mind canundrum.  I still find hiding places for Christmas presents, just because presents, even last year's Easter.  I hide it away so no one can find it and then when I need it, it's gone, missing, someone stole it, someone else moved it around to annoy me.  Sometimes that even happens with people in your life.  When you're not around it's easier to forget you.  To forget others.  Of course we eventually wonder but we put those things away.  I've been doing that to myself.  Not things.  Me.  If I put away who I really am and hide the things I love about myself to "protect" them, after awhile I forget they're there.  They become lost to me.  Talents, abilities, memories.

The sad thing is when I start to bring them out again they're rusty dusty messes.  I forget to let myself shine on the things I'm good at sometimes.  Do you do that?  Feel inadequate or stupid for being good at something just because everyone else around the table is talking about how bad they are at it?  I've even brought up that I'm good at something everyone else was complaining about and got laughed at right there on the spot because they automatically assumed I was lying or they're impossibilities have to be my impossibilities.  Confuses me really.  I always admire people that are strong at the things I'm weakest at. I'm not afraid to say that to them hopefully they accept the compliment.

I feel uncomfortable too with compliments especially when all I can think about is oops I didn't mean to do it that way glad it worked out hope no one noticed.  I get genuine feedback and not so genuine feedback and sometimes the person is so good with their compliments I can't tell which is which!  Diamond or Zirconia.  I really wish I hadn't have put some of these things away in a drawer.  When I was younger I thought they were annoying to others and so I put them away.  Now I look at them and they were beautiful parts of me that I still struggle, out of sheer habit now, to reignite.

Cuts me to the core.  My sore spot.  Musical talents and abilities.  I have been blessed with so many of them.  Just because of a couple of comments I won't even sing in the shower or out loud with my mp3 player on anymore.  I've been singing in choirs and competitions my whole life.  I finally thought after hiding in the back of the closet that I would dust it off.  It's not the same but improving, and I am determined to find my way back to all these instruments including my voice the best I can.  But the fact that somethings I've loved so deeply I chose to remove from myself, haunts me.  It's like my own personal hell.  Hard to fix it when it's you vs you.  Knowing that you allowed this to happen, chose it, accepted it.

Please, be who you are.  There will always be people who will love and accept you even if it's not the whole world.  Let your inner self shine and put the awkward inadequacies away.  There is more freedom in taking criticism and being true to yourself, than putting those things away to 'fit in'.  Don't ever be something you're not.  There's only one you.  Be that.

Twilight Zone

That alternate reality that you experience when everything you think you know to be true is tested or revoked in ways that you can't predict or expect and yet it happens.  Everything seems to go upside down even if only for a confusing moment or two where you feel like you are in an alternate universe and this isn't your life. But it is.  Mirror still shows your face, you still hear your own voice and yet not real.

I was yelled at and silenced by someone who loves me in such an odd way that I'm still trying to comprehend what happened and while it was happening I'm not sure that I really noticed.  Bizarre right makes no sense?  Exactly!  I couldn't get a word in edgewise and was talked over and silenced at every turn.  Where once my opinion or knowledge seemed relevant it apparently wasn't not even an and or a the was accepted.  I like two way conversations vs the monologue.  I don't even like it when the monologue is my own I feel like I'm standing on the edge of the cliff and if I say the wrong thing will be pushed over the edge by people in disgust that I didn't say it better or say what they wanted to hear.  Still with a smile on my face I carried on without worry or notice of consequence.  I always find a way to enjoy whatever I'm doing and when I try and try again and can no longer find any joy I rant and rave and have a temporary temper tantrum and move on.  Nice and simple.  This situation was just plain weird to me not so nice and simple at all.  I'd rather just forget the whole thing but the Twilight Zone in my head won't shut up about it.  Analyzing it over and over again because it doesn't understand.

When I'm in a really good mood or even just a basically good mood I have a bubbly personality.  I like to joke around, make fun of myself, tease others to no extreme and laugh.  You can always tell when I'm confused or upset or bored because I don't have anything to say.  I barely even think if I can help it and if we are leaning on upset you will never hear the insults firing off in my head they're too good to share.  Only an elite few ever hear them and they love me anyways, sometimes because of it.  I am entertaining that way.

My daughter had her yearly doctor's appointment with the available doctor at the office not our regular one.  Her chart is right there in front of him he asked her basic questions, not sure if he discussed height or weight or nutrition or anything important.  I do know that he didn't ask her about seizures and did mention vaccinations without explaining what they were or what they were for to her so I'm sitting in the waiting room with my 4 year old keeping her occupied and ten minutes later discovered that I wasted twenty bucks on doctor do little.  We are just adding to the weird, stupid, common sense has died moments of my last few days.

Have you ever walked into a room and realized that people are talking about you?  Sure you have everyone has!  If you haven't then you haven't done anything worthy of being talked about yet and you are sooooo far behind by the time you hit Junior High you should have had at least one really good best friend betrayal notch on your belt.  The last time I was in this room there were genuine smiles, sparkly eyes, laughter and interesting conversation.  This time it was more like that monologue cliff I mentioned.  I was standing near the edge and at first was comfortable talking but noticed faces which made the edge come closer and felt as though I was about to be pushed off, or at the very least swatted like a buzzing fly.  I didn't know how to respond so what did I do?  I kept talking.  Pushed my way through it hoping that someone would slap one of those metal chastity belts on my mouth bolts and all.  Praying for duct tape or a wired mouth at any moment that never came.  I don't know what happened between the sparkly eyes and now but it didn't look good for me.

Now I can't sleep.  My mind keeps going over and over everything let's see I've woken up around 3 or 4 am for the last almost week now.  The crazy thing is it was an extra long Easter Weekend opportunity of sleeping in every day.  Nope!  Not me!  I'm not in a normal realm at the moment.  I'm stuck in this alternate reality where everything feels awkward and bizarre.  Okay so everything already did but this is like awkward on crack.  I don't feel comfortable in my own skin at the moment.  Time to keep my head down and bite my tongue.  I still have the insults inside my head to keep me company.

It's Vent Time!

Marriage has it's ups and downs.  Sometimes there's stress because of health issues, or the car breaks down which you read in my last blog.  Sometimes the kids out of no where start struggling in school even though they studied but we all know that happens.  Then there's the added stress of upcoming important events and wanting everything just so or as perfect as I can to show my love interrupted by a stupid fight over seemingly nothing but it wasn't the nothing it was the something that came after it.  Big somethings that cut very deep.  Big somethings you never see coming but there it is like Muhammed Ali with big boxing glove on the end of it ready to knock your lights out and take no prisoners.  The cherry could be another illness in the family after everyone just got over the last one and now that one beautiful, peaceful weekend where you just had a phenomenal twelve hour sleep is gone in the blink of an eye like a flash of lightning.

Thus, the vent.  I get pressures.  I do.  I hate them but I understand them.  The van finally fixed and home again took off tons of stress.  Made everyone happy, colds almost gone.  It was a wonderful thing indeed but had the lifespan of a fruit fly.  Meeting new in-laws can always be stressful but I really wasn't I was looking forward to it, at first.  We teamed up our family and shampooed all our carpets and scrubbed walls and floors.  Felt good to work together instead of watching Mom sweat up a typhoon on her own washing walls just to mop floors with her sweat.  Beauty picture isn't it?  But, then, the actual event.  I didn't even mind they wanted to have lunch with just Hubby because they're his family and that's awesome!  Of course my family never excludes everyone always welcome but every family is different and I'm open to that.

The conversation at first was wonderful.  I had a chance to ask them what they were up to, what they were interested in, things like that.  But had a little trouble having a chance to introduce myself or my kids to them.  See for the last ten years my husband's family, and he finds this funny, has been constantly introducing themselves to us.  Story after story year after year and my husband actually suggested that I repeat the stories to their surprise so they can see yup I've met ya!  I don't mind storytelling though.  Sometimes they hit a sentence that they left out the first few times and it strikes my fancy and makes me laugh.  At the end of all this conversating though I asked his family, whom I had just met, what do you guys know about me?  Crickets.  That's okay I suppose I'm really obnoxiously boring anyways.  Nothing noteworthy here.

Hubby didn't like how I was ignored even though I'm fine no worries.  He was shocked that no one in his family had anything to say when I asked if they knew anything about me.  His Mom gave an example but it had nothing to do with anything about me just that I posted her son was sick on facebook.  I guess I was really just asking to see what they knew so I could strike up a conversation.  That didn't quite happen either.  Tried to introduce my best friend at dinner to them with Hubby but only our nephew noticed.  Aren't families great!  I can understand his parents hadn't seen them since their last trip to England but I hadn't seen them ever.  I guess I was just hoping to have that opportunity since they get them for weeks and we had them for hours.  Maybe next time.

The sigh of relief that's done now on to other things!  Son and I were watching some documentaries and I had been looking things up online about 9/11.  Some interesting inconsistencies and I happened to bring them up to Hubby, who of course knows alllll about everything I just watched and read about.  He's a mind reader you know, just need to get him that crystal ball and wizards hat and we're all set.  Instead of what I thought was going to be an interesting discussion he came on thick with some anger about the whole subject and started complaining and yelling and I couldn't get him to stop or listen to me.  That lead him to say some cut deep stuff that I never expected him to say.  My reaction was shock like I'd been struck by lightening and was just noticing it happened.  Then a quick it's okay he's been really busy at work and we've had a lot going on and he's been sick it's fine.  But there's this thing about me I can't fix.  I've spent years praying and working and worrying over it but it's just how I react and I've made my peace with that.  Doesn't happen often but when it does there's nothing I can do but keep working through it 'til it's done.

When I'm hurt, truly hurt, if you really cut me and hurt my feelings, I withdraw like a wounded puppy to the dark corner and go silent.  It's disturbing for people who know me well to see it because I'm usually a bubbly personality.  I had this whooollleee big thing planned for our 10th wedding anniversary.  It's on the 20th of this month.  I figured if I did stuff on the 19th it could come as a surprise and since hubby complains he's bad at romance I could take care of that.  Oh.  Yeah.  Wounded puppy.  I wish I didn't still feel this way.  He almost immediately apologized, probably from the shocked expression on my face.  I just don't work that way.  I have been spending days, working through it, saying this is dumb get over it, rationalizing, pushing myself to be fine.  But that's not what I should be doing.  If I don't give myself permission to be hurt, or sad for a day or two it makes everything worse and I end up losing faith and trust in everyone.  I fight hard everyday not to.

I've done pretty well.  When I put myself to work it gives me time to think.  I even spent a glorious night of 12 hours of sleep processing everything that's happened the last week or two.  It gets better each day but I just wish I didn't react this way.  Maybe I wish that I was made of steel or didn't care as much but that would change who I am and I have this huge capacity to love, to forgive.  I just have to allow it to be a process instead of expecting instant results.  Recovery, from anything, takes time.