I dread my endocrinologist appointments. I put them off rescheduling. I even go to the dentist more readily. My recent appointment despite my cringing had good news. My glucose was normal, my tsh was normal and my cholesterol all normal and healthy. I thought I was hallucinating. As most of you know I have been struggling with health issues since becoming hypothyroid and losing weight is almost impossible when you have no thyroid to rely on. Not to mention keeping it off but despite everything against me I am finally and extremely slowly moving in the right direction.
I am still incredibly frustrated on that front but the fact that I'm getting healthier is what I'm choosing to focus on. I have been struggling with pain and health for over 3 years now and it's nice to have it all under control and be able to handle every day things like a normal wife and mother can. It's been an extraordinary climb to get here and this is only the beginning. I have a lifetime of uphill to conquer with no plateau in sight ( except for my weight grrrrr).
I am so thankful. I know we don't always get the blessings we want when we want them. But He does listen to our prayers and He does give us what we need when we need it despite our grumbles and disagreements. I am learning to increase my faith, to have more trust in the Lord. Just when you think you got this, you realize there is so much more growing for you to do. He stretches us and challenges us to gain strength and knowledge through experiences. It all makes us stronger if we allow it to.
Having free agency is tough sometimes. The freedom to make a lot of mistakes and a lot of good choices mingled together throughout our lives. Hopefully we do what is best for ourselves and our families in the long run. Hopefully we aren't afraid to change course when the Lord makes it blatantly obvious that how we're doing things might not be in our best interest or in the interest of our children. That there is always a better way. His way. The trick is finding the path He has laid out for you knowing it's what's best for you and doing your best to stick to it no matter what.
It can be the slightest inch, the slightest comment, that will throw us off the path. We can choose to be easily offended by a comment from another that really shouldn't have been able to shake us in the first place. Sometimes we are offended because the comment is true and it's something about ourselves that we really struggle with inwardly and know we need to work on but brush aside.
We can fall off our path by our ill choices, becoming selfish with time wanting what we want when we want it without patience or care to how others might react or the consequences that will affect everyone around us. Granted you shouldn't always care what other people think but you do have to live in this world and get along with society best you can. I don't always agree with what societies views are, to be honest I see a slippery slope of do what makes you feel good instead of do the right thing, but I still have to be able to get along with them. When we make choice we don't get to choose the reaction or consequence but we do have to face them. If you make good and honest choices you will receive good consequences it's that simple.
If you have wandered because of offence or guilt or whatever the cause, please come back to Him who created you. He's waiting for you. He loves you. He desires to help you succeed in righteous desires. There's freedom in His way versus our own. If you haven't in a while, talk to Him. Tell the Lord how you feel about yourself, your life, and Him. Don't be shy but be honest and reverent. He'll listen. Be patient the answers always come. I know He listens. I know He lives. I know He loves us and wishes us well. If it is good, seek after it.
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Plug your Ears
Remember when you were a kid and Mom would say no to that sleepover or fudge pop and you would put your hands over both ears and start singing la la la la la I can't hear you? I feel that way today. Sometimes when I'm looking for answers I get suggestions I've already heard and tried, ideas that are not up my alley and don't want them to be, or search the internet only to discover worldly points of view that never worked in the first place so why would I mess up my own life trying it. Frustrating.
I don't like hearing that my kids in order to be accepted and loved need to be a certain size, say certain things, be like everyone else. That's not life! That's not realistic. I have always encouraged them to be themselves no matter what. If people struggle to accept them the way the are that's just fine. Friends come and go in and out of your life so frequently and sometimes they stay but a moment because you share that one thing at the time in common. It happens.
I don't like the world telling me because I'm bigger than a 0 that I'm worthless. That if I don't share the main stream's point of view I'm stupid or selfish. I despise it when people can't get over it. I have to. Why don't you? It's like everyone's writing their own rules and saying well my way is better do this. But really, shouldn't you simply be doing what's best for you? Your family? Even as far as parenting I have an idea how I want to parent and how I raise my kids. The kind of people I would like them to become. Does that mean they have to be? One can hope right lol.
I have been trying desperately to lose weight and do as my doctors tell me. As a result no matter how hard I try, I am failing at it. Everyone keeps telling me to be patient but I can't just keep waiting can I? I'm getting older. Not younger. I am actually scared to go to my doctors office and have him check my thyroid and blood sugar levels and weigh me. He looks at me like I'm a liar when I say everything I've been doing and why isn't it working. Like it's my fault. When I try to ask for suggestions he gives me the same ones. The very definition of stupidity is doing the same things over and over and expecting new results.
I need to find my own path. My way. I eat on average 680-860 calories per day because I'm afraid to eat anymore. I exercise a minimum of 30 minutes a day no matter how tired or sick or anything I am. I feel like I'm in some kind of jail and there's no escape. It's so completely frustrating. I have support. I love them all so dearly for it. I try to add things I enjoy for cardio like dancing and tennis. But those eventually will feel like a chore if I'm always worried about what my doctor will say. I don't know what else to do. He's given me fantastic ideas that worked brilliantly the last three years but I can't see to lose another pound. I've been trying for 4 months to get off this plateau and managed maybe 2 lbs.
I feel disappointed in myself. Not because I didn't lose anything. Because I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I have tried to fix it forever. Why can't I just accept that this is me?
I don't like hearing that my kids in order to be accepted and loved need to be a certain size, say certain things, be like everyone else. That's not life! That's not realistic. I have always encouraged them to be themselves no matter what. If people struggle to accept them the way the are that's just fine. Friends come and go in and out of your life so frequently and sometimes they stay but a moment because you share that one thing at the time in common. It happens.
I don't like the world telling me because I'm bigger than a 0 that I'm worthless. That if I don't share the main stream's point of view I'm stupid or selfish. I despise it when people can't get over it. I have to. Why don't you? It's like everyone's writing their own rules and saying well my way is better do this. But really, shouldn't you simply be doing what's best for you? Your family? Even as far as parenting I have an idea how I want to parent and how I raise my kids. The kind of people I would like them to become. Does that mean they have to be? One can hope right lol.
I have been trying desperately to lose weight and do as my doctors tell me. As a result no matter how hard I try, I am failing at it. Everyone keeps telling me to be patient but I can't just keep waiting can I? I'm getting older. Not younger. I am actually scared to go to my doctors office and have him check my thyroid and blood sugar levels and weigh me. He looks at me like I'm a liar when I say everything I've been doing and why isn't it working. Like it's my fault. When I try to ask for suggestions he gives me the same ones. The very definition of stupidity is doing the same things over and over and expecting new results.
I need to find my own path. My way. I eat on average 680-860 calories per day because I'm afraid to eat anymore. I exercise a minimum of 30 minutes a day no matter how tired or sick or anything I am. I feel like I'm in some kind of jail and there's no escape. It's so completely frustrating. I have support. I love them all so dearly for it. I try to add things I enjoy for cardio like dancing and tennis. But those eventually will feel like a chore if I'm always worried about what my doctor will say. I don't know what else to do. He's given me fantastic ideas that worked brilliantly the last three years but I can't see to lose another pound. I've been trying for 4 months to get off this plateau and managed maybe 2 lbs.
I feel disappointed in myself. Not because I didn't lose anything. Because I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I have tried to fix it forever. Why can't I just accept that this is me?
Friday, May 30, 2014
Deep Breath...Let It Go...Moving On
It's coming on summer vacation now for all my kidlets! The pressure's on to keep them somewhat entertained, even the teenagers. They are always thrilled to sleep in, lay on the couch and watch tv, play video games but it is short lived as they get bored quickly. It's great to keep myself busy this way and them as well.
Sometimes, even when I'm honest, I am acutely aware that just because I take things with a grain of salt not all others do the same. My husband's favorite three words to me when he sees that something is upsetting me, "Let it go." For me, the best way of letting go is entertaining my mind with things to do. There is always something that needs doing when you're a full time wife and mother.
I already have things like swimming lessons and soccer camps on my radar. Would have loved to put our 4 year old Catie into T-Ball but by the time I thought of it the registration was closed....by one stinking day! Typical. Anywho to my teenagers , ah crap not that, regrets there are plenty of improvements I find to do every year on our home and yard. They don't always pan out the way I want them to but I set out a plan do my best to execute it within limits and also being flexible to what's out there that I didn't think of and do my best to accomplish these goals.
This year I have my sights set on my basement, yet again, and my kitchen. We have needed a new fridge for about 2 years now and have finally purchased a Kenmore side by side without the stupid water/ice thing. Sorry but I think it's tacky unless you are really going to hook it up and even then the water always tastes weird to me. Kenmore has a pretty high standard of durability which with children I can completely appreciate. I plan on paining all the cabinets and redoing all the cabinet fixtures including new brackets for some. My problem and the hold up for the last two years is deciding on a tile, backsplash, or wallpaper that I might use between my upper cabinets and my counters. I cannot find one that I like and I have looked absolutely everywhere. I look forward to meeting with a designer coming to our home this evening just to get some ideas! At this point anything will do as long as it wipes easy and is stain resistant.
I also have to rearrange my basement as we are putting our old fridge, still in working condition, downstairs for what I like to call 'overflow'. You know Thanksgiving that doesn't fit in the fridge there's no more room? Birthday Cakes you don't want your kids to get into because it's tomorrow. You know, that kind of stuff. I also promised I'd go through all of our clothes downstairs with the kids who despite my willing to admit it, are nearing their college meet spouses and have babies part of their lives. So they get first dibs and whatever they don't take and I don't save ( girls' clothing) for our youngest is either garage sale or free for all. Personally the way the economy is I think it shows a lot more faith and gratitude in God for everything he's blessed us with to give it away free and clear.
I'm enjoying my walks, my yoga and even dancing, yes that's right dancing! Whether or not my family is home I put on my headphones and disappear for a while. I sweat more with dancing for 30 minutes than I do an hour of walking! With all these projects and trying to find camps and lessons to keep my kids busy this summer it's looking great! Hopefully we get to plan a few long weekends in their with Dad while we're at it.
Sometimes, even when I'm honest, I am acutely aware that just because I take things with a grain of salt not all others do the same. My husband's favorite three words to me when he sees that something is upsetting me, "Let it go." For me, the best way of letting go is entertaining my mind with things to do. There is always something that needs doing when you're a full time wife and mother.
I already have things like swimming lessons and soccer camps on my radar. Would have loved to put our 4 year old Catie into T-Ball but by the time I thought of it the registration was closed....by one stinking day! Typical. Anywho to my teenagers , ah crap not that, regrets there are plenty of improvements I find to do every year on our home and yard. They don't always pan out the way I want them to but I set out a plan do my best to execute it within limits and also being flexible to what's out there that I didn't think of and do my best to accomplish these goals.
This year I have my sights set on my basement, yet again, and my kitchen. We have needed a new fridge for about 2 years now and have finally purchased a Kenmore side by side without the stupid water/ice thing. Sorry but I think it's tacky unless you are really going to hook it up and even then the water always tastes weird to me. Kenmore has a pretty high standard of durability which with children I can completely appreciate. I plan on paining all the cabinets and redoing all the cabinet fixtures including new brackets for some. My problem and the hold up for the last two years is deciding on a tile, backsplash, or wallpaper that I might use between my upper cabinets and my counters. I cannot find one that I like and I have looked absolutely everywhere. I look forward to meeting with a designer coming to our home this evening just to get some ideas! At this point anything will do as long as it wipes easy and is stain resistant.
I also have to rearrange my basement as we are putting our old fridge, still in working condition, downstairs for what I like to call 'overflow'. You know Thanksgiving that doesn't fit in the fridge there's no more room? Birthday Cakes you don't want your kids to get into because it's tomorrow. You know, that kind of stuff. I also promised I'd go through all of our clothes downstairs with the kids who despite my willing to admit it, are nearing their college meet spouses and have babies part of their lives. So they get first dibs and whatever they don't take and I don't save ( girls' clothing) for our youngest is either garage sale or free for all. Personally the way the economy is I think it shows a lot more faith and gratitude in God for everything he's blessed us with to give it away free and clear.
I'm enjoying my walks, my yoga and even dancing, yes that's right dancing! Whether or not my family is home I put on my headphones and disappear for a while. I sweat more with dancing for 30 minutes than I do an hour of walking! With all these projects and trying to find camps and lessons to keep my kids busy this summer it's looking great! Hopefully we get to plan a few long weekends in their with Dad while we're at it.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
The Worth of Souls
One simple comment months ago and everything became more up front, more noticeable, more obvious, more enlightened. Kneeling in prayer the words were, "It hurts me to hear you speak of yourself that way. You are my daugther." Took me aback. Wasn't expecting to hear anything but in that one second a soft sweet whisper. I could actually feel the dissapointment. Wasn't expecting that either.
I have been pondering it ever since. Everything is just more obvious to me everything. Every word, every thought, every action. I'm quicker to feel that was wrong and apologize and also I am not easily moved when it's the truth. I realize that sometimes hearing the truth can hurt our feelings, especially if we don't see it or agree with it right away. It's hard to stand up for the truth sometimes. It's even harder knowing it may sting someone you love and truly care for and hope the best for.
For years I have always felt that waging war within myself. The why bother and the don't give up working equally as hard to convince me. Lately there are so many more details than that. So much more I didn't see or recognize. For example, last week I was fed up I have been steadily losing weight and I am very guarded about that because slow and steady means it doesn't return. Occasionally I find myself in circumstances where the temptation is all around me and it's hard to resist it. Or I'm simple not able to eat what I should because it's not presented. I do my best. I was assured if I kept doing my best and concentrated on helping others that plateau of mine would cease. My response was I'm sure less than pleasing as it was yeah right. Such the wrong attitude right?
Mid week I thought well I'm sure nothing's happened, I'm still stuck and was thinking about stepping on the scale. As I was walking back. From a neighbor's home. Whom I had just helped out without hesitation or reward. Then I started noticing all the other little things, to me little but not always to the recipients, that I had done every single day of that week so far. What's funny to me is I had been having the most awful week too! I saw myself from a different set of eyes that I'm sure I've tried to see myself from before but could never bring myself to look passed my own.
"You're right Lord", I whispered, "I have been hard on myself saying terrible things that shouldn't be said and for that I'm so sorry." Such a beautiful and astounding feeling of peace and warmth came over me. I am completely sure that this is will be an uphill battle, in ten feet of snow, barefoot, and carrying a brick, but I am aware now of it. Now I can begin to walk forward again and keep trying.
You're right you're not perfect neither am I in any way. But we try. We set personal goals that are worth while and we keep going. Never look back, leave it behind, there's greatness in your future if you want it.
I have been pondering it ever since. Everything is just more obvious to me everything. Every word, every thought, every action. I'm quicker to feel that was wrong and apologize and also I am not easily moved when it's the truth. I realize that sometimes hearing the truth can hurt our feelings, especially if we don't see it or agree with it right away. It's hard to stand up for the truth sometimes. It's even harder knowing it may sting someone you love and truly care for and hope the best for.
For years I have always felt that waging war within myself. The why bother and the don't give up working equally as hard to convince me. Lately there are so many more details than that. So much more I didn't see or recognize. For example, last week I was fed up I have been steadily losing weight and I am very guarded about that because slow and steady means it doesn't return. Occasionally I find myself in circumstances where the temptation is all around me and it's hard to resist it. Or I'm simple not able to eat what I should because it's not presented. I do my best. I was assured if I kept doing my best and concentrated on helping others that plateau of mine would cease. My response was I'm sure less than pleasing as it was yeah right. Such the wrong attitude right?
Mid week I thought well I'm sure nothing's happened, I'm still stuck and was thinking about stepping on the scale. As I was walking back. From a neighbor's home. Whom I had just helped out without hesitation or reward. Then I started noticing all the other little things, to me little but not always to the recipients, that I had done every single day of that week so far. What's funny to me is I had been having the most awful week too! I saw myself from a different set of eyes that I'm sure I've tried to see myself from before but could never bring myself to look passed my own.
"You're right Lord", I whispered, "I have been hard on myself saying terrible things that shouldn't be said and for that I'm so sorry." Such a beautiful and astounding feeling of peace and warmth came over me. I am completely sure that this is will be an uphill battle, in ten feet of snow, barefoot, and carrying a brick, but I am aware now of it. Now I can begin to walk forward again and keep trying.
You're right you're not perfect neither am I in any way. But we try. We set personal goals that are worth while and we keep going. Never look back, leave it behind, there's greatness in your future if you want it.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Plagued Season
It is sooooo beautiful outside! My eldest daughter's allergies are killing her, I can relate but I grew out of them for the most part I hope she will too. In the meantime Claritin seems to be working for her. My youngest four year old and I have been enjoying playing in the dirt ( planting/weeding), playing at the park with friends, and we are adding riding our bicycle. Funnily enough doctors orders. Our doctor Anne Hibbard is the best! We have similar aged kids so we go through all the same stuff at the same time it's nice to relate so easily. She suggested we put our "baby" on a two wheel and take away the tricycle so that she can get to two wheels quickly and it will be a short fall lol. Our 4 year old is considered petite for her age however with her latest growth spurts we'll thinking that might change. By the way the kids physicals went spectacularly! Mom is happy all kids are happy and healthy, kids were happy no shots this time lol.
With all of this joy not all feel it. I have learned over the years that in our families' circumstances it is better to keep moving forward than to dwell or wallow. When we don't, we are plagued with sadness, self pity and milking the situation for all it's worth. Granted I have two teenagers but at least they aren't pros at it. I hope they never will be pros at the pity party. It does no good to anyone for any reason not even yourself. Pfft, ESPECIALLY yourself.
Sometimes we can get used to the attention when we struggle and become addicted to it. Without noticing. We get used to be catered to and treated well and no one will disagree that it feels good when people fawn over you and take care of you. However, it is only meant to be a temporary fix. To help you for a little while until you can take care of yourself. You are expected to take care of yourself. To be resourceful and self reliant. After all you can't be of any service to others if you can't take care of yourself now can you. Now having said that you can also always find a way to serve others despite your circumstances.
Stop the pity party! Stop fixating on all the things that are wrong in your life and believe me I understand when they are blaring in your face it's hard to escape. I'm not saying escape. I'm saying learn to cope. When you serve others you are more likely to forget your own trials and worries. If you don't believe me try it for yourself and you will gain a testimony of it for yourselves. What's worse, do not under any circumstances become dishonest about your life in any way just to keep the attention and focus on yourself and ailments. Learn to live with them and cope with them best you can and worry about others who are in need. Pay it forward. You got temporary help to get you back on your feet, hopefully doing all you can to get onto your feet in the process, do it for someone else. You know how much it meant to you to have the help make sure you pass that on and help others. It's a lifelong cycle. It's important that it stay a circle instead of a straight line.
It's beautiful outside! Sunshine, warm air, everyone out walking and talking. It WILL make you feel better. Just get out there! Live again! No more pity parties!
With all of this joy not all feel it. I have learned over the years that in our families' circumstances it is better to keep moving forward than to dwell or wallow. When we don't, we are plagued with sadness, self pity and milking the situation for all it's worth. Granted I have two teenagers but at least they aren't pros at it. I hope they never will be pros at the pity party. It does no good to anyone for any reason not even yourself. Pfft, ESPECIALLY yourself.
Sometimes we can get used to the attention when we struggle and become addicted to it. Without noticing. We get used to be catered to and treated well and no one will disagree that it feels good when people fawn over you and take care of you. However, it is only meant to be a temporary fix. To help you for a little while until you can take care of yourself. You are expected to take care of yourself. To be resourceful and self reliant. After all you can't be of any service to others if you can't take care of yourself now can you. Now having said that you can also always find a way to serve others despite your circumstances.
Stop the pity party! Stop fixating on all the things that are wrong in your life and believe me I understand when they are blaring in your face it's hard to escape. I'm not saying escape. I'm saying learn to cope. When you serve others you are more likely to forget your own trials and worries. If you don't believe me try it for yourself and you will gain a testimony of it for yourselves. What's worse, do not under any circumstances become dishonest about your life in any way just to keep the attention and focus on yourself and ailments. Learn to live with them and cope with them best you can and worry about others who are in need. Pay it forward. You got temporary help to get you back on your feet, hopefully doing all you can to get onto your feet in the process, do it for someone else. You know how much it meant to you to have the help make sure you pass that on and help others. It's a lifelong cycle. It's important that it stay a circle instead of a straight line.
It's beautiful outside! Sunshine, warm air, everyone out walking and talking. It WILL make you feel better. Just get out there! Live again! No more pity parties!
Friday, May 2, 2014
Contented
Today I am content. That can always change at a moment's notice but for the minute I am. Still struggling and getting used to being physically limited. A whole new disease means a whole new set of rules added on to the last set, but manageable. I am still coming to terms with them, who doesn't like to do things their own way though huh? I guess I hate it when I have no choice in the matter most. Forced. Hate that feeling. However, not impossible. Gets really tricky when I go to eat out!
Last night was a very sacred and special Anniversary for Hubby and myself. He had a gift certificate for Olive Garden so we chose to enjoy our dinner and evening there. Always great food we had the friendliest and most wonderful waitress loved her! I must have sat and pouted at that menu for what seemed like forever! Olive Garden is all about the pasta and if you have ever or currently have diabetes you have to be careful with pasta. The portions are huge and I really wanted the steak and gorgonzola fettucine alfredo. Don't gasp it's all ok. I ate maybe a 1/4th of the portion and am splitting it up today so I don't overdo my carbs. It's about total carb caloric intake more than anything and I keep track of the foods I just cannot have. Pasta does ok with me in small amounts as long as there's plenty of veggies with it! The steak certainly didn't hurt either. Super delicious! Thankyou Olive Garden!
Was nice to get to talk and laugh and reminisce and discuss work and family together just us. There's something so special about your partner and best friend being the same person. Can completely trust each other and tell each other anything. There's never judgement, occasional I disagree with you, but for the most part hubby and I get along very well I love him a great deal. It's like being a teenager all the time that young love feeling. Probably annoyed everyone around us!(hahaha) But I don't care. When we're together alone we enter our own universe. It's safe and happy there I wish I could be there all the time. We share the same sense of humor and laugh off the little annoyances in our lives, together.
I look forward to our eternity together my sweetheart. Happy Anniversary. Love you!
Last night was a very sacred and special Anniversary for Hubby and myself. He had a gift certificate for Olive Garden so we chose to enjoy our dinner and evening there. Always great food we had the friendliest and most wonderful waitress loved her! I must have sat and pouted at that menu for what seemed like forever! Olive Garden is all about the pasta and if you have ever or currently have diabetes you have to be careful with pasta. The portions are huge and I really wanted the steak and gorgonzola fettucine alfredo. Don't gasp it's all ok. I ate maybe a 1/4th of the portion and am splitting it up today so I don't overdo my carbs. It's about total carb caloric intake more than anything and I keep track of the foods I just cannot have. Pasta does ok with me in small amounts as long as there's plenty of veggies with it! The steak certainly didn't hurt either. Super delicious! Thankyou Olive Garden!
Was nice to get to talk and laugh and reminisce and discuss work and family together just us. There's something so special about your partner and best friend being the same person. Can completely trust each other and tell each other anything. There's never judgement, occasional I disagree with you, but for the most part hubby and I get along very well I love him a great deal. It's like being a teenager all the time that young love feeling. Probably annoyed everyone around us!(hahaha) But I don't care. When we're together alone we enter our own universe. It's safe and happy there I wish I could be there all the time. We share the same sense of humor and laugh off the little annoyances in our lives, together.
I look forward to our eternity together my sweetheart. Happy Anniversary. Love you!
Monday, April 28, 2014
Out of Sight Out of Mind
I hate when you buy things that you think you need and then give it maybe two weeks you've forgotten all about it and where you've put it. If you put it 'away' drawer, closet or what have you easier to forget. Then when someone asks you about it oh yeah that thing I bought let me find it to show you. Now where did I put it?
Alot of things feel that way to me. The out of sight out of mind canundrum. I still find hiding places for Christmas presents, just because presents, even last year's Easter. I hide it away so no one can find it and then when I need it, it's gone, missing, someone stole it, someone else moved it around to annoy me. Sometimes that even happens with people in your life. When you're not around it's easier to forget you. To forget others. Of course we eventually wonder but we put those things away. I've been doing that to myself. Not things. Me. If I put away who I really am and hide the things I love about myself to "protect" them, after awhile I forget they're there. They become lost to me. Talents, abilities, memories.
The sad thing is when I start to bring them out again they're rusty dusty messes. I forget to let myself shine on the things I'm good at sometimes. Do you do that? Feel inadequate or stupid for being good at something just because everyone else around the table is talking about how bad they are at it? I've even brought up that I'm good at something everyone else was complaining about and got laughed at right there on the spot because they automatically assumed I was lying or they're impossibilities have to be my impossibilities. Confuses me really. I always admire people that are strong at the things I'm weakest at. I'm not afraid to say that to them hopefully they accept the compliment.
I feel uncomfortable too with compliments especially when all I can think about is oops I didn't mean to do it that way glad it worked out hope no one noticed. I get genuine feedback and not so genuine feedback and sometimes the person is so good with their compliments I can't tell which is which! Diamond or Zirconia. I really wish I hadn't have put some of these things away in a drawer. When I was younger I thought they were annoying to others and so I put them away. Now I look at them and they were beautiful parts of me that I still struggle, out of sheer habit now, to reignite.
Cuts me to the core. My sore spot. Musical talents and abilities. I have been blessed with so many of them. Just because of a couple of comments I won't even sing in the shower or out loud with my mp3 player on anymore. I've been singing in choirs and competitions my whole life. I finally thought after hiding in the back of the closet that I would dust it off. It's not the same but improving, and I am determined to find my way back to all these instruments including my voice the best I can. But the fact that somethings I've loved so deeply I chose to remove from myself, haunts me. It's like my own personal hell. Hard to fix it when it's you vs you. Knowing that you allowed this to happen, chose it, accepted it.
Please, be who you are. There will always be people who will love and accept you even if it's not the whole world. Let your inner self shine and put the awkward inadequacies away. There is more freedom in taking criticism and being true to yourself, than putting those things away to 'fit in'. Don't ever be something you're not. There's only one you. Be that.
Alot of things feel that way to me. The out of sight out of mind canundrum. I still find hiding places for Christmas presents, just because presents, even last year's Easter. I hide it away so no one can find it and then when I need it, it's gone, missing, someone stole it, someone else moved it around to annoy me. Sometimes that even happens with people in your life. When you're not around it's easier to forget you. To forget others. Of course we eventually wonder but we put those things away. I've been doing that to myself. Not things. Me. If I put away who I really am and hide the things I love about myself to "protect" them, after awhile I forget they're there. They become lost to me. Talents, abilities, memories.
The sad thing is when I start to bring them out again they're rusty dusty messes. I forget to let myself shine on the things I'm good at sometimes. Do you do that? Feel inadequate or stupid for being good at something just because everyone else around the table is talking about how bad they are at it? I've even brought up that I'm good at something everyone else was complaining about and got laughed at right there on the spot because they automatically assumed I was lying or they're impossibilities have to be my impossibilities. Confuses me really. I always admire people that are strong at the things I'm weakest at. I'm not afraid to say that to them hopefully they accept the compliment.
I feel uncomfortable too with compliments especially when all I can think about is oops I didn't mean to do it that way glad it worked out hope no one noticed. I get genuine feedback and not so genuine feedback and sometimes the person is so good with their compliments I can't tell which is which! Diamond or Zirconia. I really wish I hadn't have put some of these things away in a drawer. When I was younger I thought they were annoying to others and so I put them away. Now I look at them and they were beautiful parts of me that I still struggle, out of sheer habit now, to reignite.
Cuts me to the core. My sore spot. Musical talents and abilities. I have been blessed with so many of them. Just because of a couple of comments I won't even sing in the shower or out loud with my mp3 player on anymore. I've been singing in choirs and competitions my whole life. I finally thought after hiding in the back of the closet that I would dust it off. It's not the same but improving, and I am determined to find my way back to all these instruments including my voice the best I can. But the fact that somethings I've loved so deeply I chose to remove from myself, haunts me. It's like my own personal hell. Hard to fix it when it's you vs you. Knowing that you allowed this to happen, chose it, accepted it.
Please, be who you are. There will always be people who will love and accept you even if it's not the whole world. Let your inner self shine and put the awkward inadequacies away. There is more freedom in taking criticism and being true to yourself, than putting those things away to 'fit in'. Don't ever be something you're not. There's only one you. Be that.
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