Over the largest portion of my life I've been confrontational. If someone hurt me I'd hurt them back or at least embarrass them for it by making sure everyone knew about it. If someone gossiped about me I'd get them back in creative ways, small rumors, get them to confide in me tell me dirty secrets so I could expose them later. Sneaky I know. Then I had children. When they're really little you don't really think about how you're acting. I was even one of those, just lie to them about it the truth will just hurt their feelings. But by hiding those things it would end up hurting them more and then I'd be blamed the whole, why didn't you tell me if you knew.
For about a year and a half after I divorced at the age of 25 yes that's right and a three year marriage, oh I know but trust me it took courage and was the best thing for us, I sort of disappeared. I hid from the world, from friends, from family. I just was tired of being hurt, tired of confronting it all, exhausted from all the backstabbing crap. Just didn't want to be a part of any of it anymore. I wanted peace. I wanted to heal. I needed to find my own strength. It was through this period of my life that I received guidance from "the written word" and prayer. It gave me time to mourn, time to regroup whilst raising two babies on my own ( literally both still in diapers), and time to think.
The best part was time to think. I rarely answered my phone or door. I rarely left the house. I refused to be pushed in any capacity by anyone no matter how well they thought they knew me. I wanted to take everything up to that point and get rid of it. And I did. I considered my own upbringing and examples of others throughout my life to decide how I wanted my children to be raised. I went through all the finances I was left with which was next to nothing to discipline myself financially to be able to keep going. I considered what I really wanted out of life. My life. I realize that we all want others to agree with us in some form so that we can all be besties sometimes but it's important to be you , there's no one else like you out there.
It's been really hard ever since. I choose to love people despite their cruelties to myself or others. Doesn't mean I don't feel disappointment. I choose to love myself despite my imperfections and even find some of my imperfections entertaining at times. I choose to be careful what I share with the world. When things are precious to me, certain talents and abilities, I am particular when and with whom I share them. I am still working on that, I shouldn't be hiding musical gifts or any talents that I have from anyone but I've been burned by so many in these departments I fear other than my immediate family and those I grew up with, the world will never know. I choose to help in any way I can but I also acknowledge free will and sometimes when I offer to help when I see a need it's refused and I have to accept that. I choose to be friendly to all and forgive quickly. Life is too short to waste on a grudge or gossip so I simply prefer not to.
Although I choose to be patient and have worked on that the most over the years I'm also not afraid to stand up for what's right even if others around me don't see it that way. I know what I know. I have experienced plenty and I have lived a rather tough life that's taught me a lot about myself and what the Lord expects from me. He didn't say oh don't worry about it if you make a mistake that would make the Atonement insignificant. He says come unto me all ye that are heavy laden, burdened with mistakes, and if we do it right and we forsake the behavior, we receive his justice and mercy. I really love that about Him. I don't take that for granted. I believe in restitution. Trying to fix the mistake not just abandoning it.
I choose to learn all I can about the world around me. I find myself somedays pouring over books, internet articles, lesson plans to find out more. Whatever strikes my fancy at the time. Mostly I've learned to live and let God. There are always going to be people in this world that wish to do me and my family harm whether by their words or deeds it is the same. I am often prompted to let them say and do what they want because He is fully aware of it and He will take care of what He needs to and in some cases allows them to condemn themselves. That doesn't mean we sit and do nothing. It means we take the time to observe the situation, do what we can and leave the rest to Him. The trick is when you've done all you can, letting go of it. Sometimes the attitude of , well that's their problem, isn't exactly letting it go. It means you are done with it, you will keep trying if you can, but for the most part you accept the outcome for the time being and will continue on with your life forgiving the pain or frustration you felt from others.
Still learning. The older I get and more I learn the more I realize that the only way you can grow leaps and bounds is through baby steps. Line upon line, precept upon precept. Acknowledging that everyone learns at their own pace and everyone has free will. I love having a family that is on this journey with me, learning and growing with me. It's amazing what your kids can teach you isn't it?
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Uplifted
In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints we are privileged to hear from our leaders when they speak to us from church headquarters to uplift and edify us, encouraging us to keep going, keep believing, keep trying to be the kind of examples Christ would want us to be. It's a great reminder to have and they speak with experience and conviction and a great understanding of the world's current events as well as the gospel of Jesus Christ. Their testimonies are brilliant and their words shine with the light of Christ.
When you read the news lately, it's disheartening to say the least. Natural disasters leaving so many in troubled circumstances, thankfully we have a wonderful Church that has an internationally known humanitarian program that aids as quickly as possible to so many and to their utmost capacity. You see war and rumors of war escalating world wide and forcing the world to take notice and act collectively to resolve it draining all of funds and resources in the process and unfortunately sometimes having no impact. Disheartening is definitely the right word.
Through it all, however, there is hope. Possibilities. Opportunities. There is always something we can do, always. Never feel helpless but make sure you assess the situation carefully. If you choose to donate funding to organizations that can get to these grieving and sometimes destitute individuals make sure you do a company check to see that your money is actually being spent on proper aid and not administration bonuses. If that's not enough, some organizations will ask for specific items to be sent you could organize through your churches or schools a way to gather the materials needed and donate them to the organization. Again make sure these items are being administered properly by checking on this company.
Sometimes I can't donate money, or time, or materials. But I do have a powerful tool that I know works well. Prayer. I have seen miracles happen when large groups of people, from many faiths, come together in collective prayer for the greater good. Hard to imagine it has any effect these days but I assure you, it does. Having faith that God can conquer all, that He will deal with these matters how he sees fit is a remarkable quality. One all should desire to have. He can answer prayers in a big way that's so noticeable it cannot be denied. But He also works quietly in the hearts of men and women everywhere. He knows who is honest and forthright. He knows who is deceitful and manipulative. It's much easier for Him to sort it out than for us to judge or come to ill fated conclusions. Prayer works. I believe in that. Psalms 66:20 "Blessed be God, which hath not turned away my prayer, nor his mercy from me."
During this General Conference, we also are reminded about our commitments to following the commandments of God and the blessings and rewards that come with that if we obey. It is too easy sometimes to justify those commandments within ourselves to be exempt from them but I assure you no one is exempt from the eye of God, nor his judgments, nor his laws. If we repent, proper and true repentance through faith, prayer, and obedience to God's laws we receive His mercy and Jesus Christs' atonement is sufficient for us to be forgiven as long as we are humble, make restitution and forsake the sin. D&C 24:2 "Nevertheless, thou art not excusable in thy transgressions, nevertheless, go they way and sin no more". Restitution is vital. If you have wronged another confession is the first step but you must also find a way or at least offer a way to make it right between you. You can't just keep it between you and the Lord, He'll know you haven't made an effort to apologize to the offended party, nor have you tried to repair any damage caused. Awkward and scary sometimes restitution, but important to your understanding and personal growth.
Mostly what I love about General Conference is the knowledge that I can begin again. It's like a spiritual recharge, a jolt of light. Although like most things in life, it is what you make it or choose to allow it to be. The reminder that we are children of a Heavenly Father who loves us, who misses us from His presence. The reminder that we are all on an equal playing field despite our circumstances in life to receive His counsel and blessings. That we are capable or incapable of personal knowledge of Jesus Christ based on what we choose. We all have the choice to follow or not to follow. To love Him, respect and acknowledge Him and keep his commandments, or not to. Matthew 6:24 "No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon." Mammon is an Aramaic word that means 'riches'. You cannot serve God and be worldly. This always makes me think about the tv I watch, the music I listen to, the books I read or if I'm living beyond my means for the sake of 'pretty things' in my home or closet. Do I have excess? Do I share that excess with those who are poor or in need when I don't need them? Am I charitable with my possessions and my time? Do I live the commandments of God the way He has presented them to the world or do I pick and choose which ones to listen to? In Exodus in the old testament we read:
When you read the news lately, it's disheartening to say the least. Natural disasters leaving so many in troubled circumstances, thankfully we have a wonderful Church that has an internationally known humanitarian program that aids as quickly as possible to so many and to their utmost capacity. You see war and rumors of war escalating world wide and forcing the world to take notice and act collectively to resolve it draining all of funds and resources in the process and unfortunately sometimes having no impact. Disheartening is definitely the right word.
Through it all, however, there is hope. Possibilities. Opportunities. There is always something we can do, always. Never feel helpless but make sure you assess the situation carefully. If you choose to donate funding to organizations that can get to these grieving and sometimes destitute individuals make sure you do a company check to see that your money is actually being spent on proper aid and not administration bonuses. If that's not enough, some organizations will ask for specific items to be sent you could organize through your churches or schools a way to gather the materials needed and donate them to the organization. Again make sure these items are being administered properly by checking on this company.
Sometimes I can't donate money, or time, or materials. But I do have a powerful tool that I know works well. Prayer. I have seen miracles happen when large groups of people, from many faiths, come together in collective prayer for the greater good. Hard to imagine it has any effect these days but I assure you, it does. Having faith that God can conquer all, that He will deal with these matters how he sees fit is a remarkable quality. One all should desire to have. He can answer prayers in a big way that's so noticeable it cannot be denied. But He also works quietly in the hearts of men and women everywhere. He knows who is honest and forthright. He knows who is deceitful and manipulative. It's much easier for Him to sort it out than for us to judge or come to ill fated conclusions. Prayer works. I believe in that. Psalms 66:20 "Blessed be God, which hath not turned away my prayer, nor his mercy from me."
During this General Conference, we also are reminded about our commitments to following the commandments of God and the blessings and rewards that come with that if we obey. It is too easy sometimes to justify those commandments within ourselves to be exempt from them but I assure you no one is exempt from the eye of God, nor his judgments, nor his laws. If we repent, proper and true repentance through faith, prayer, and obedience to God's laws we receive His mercy and Jesus Christs' atonement is sufficient for us to be forgiven as long as we are humble, make restitution and forsake the sin. D&C 24:2 "Nevertheless, thou art not excusable in thy transgressions, nevertheless, go they way and sin no more". Restitution is vital. If you have wronged another confession is the first step but you must also find a way or at least offer a way to make it right between you. You can't just keep it between you and the Lord, He'll know you haven't made an effort to apologize to the offended party, nor have you tried to repair any damage caused. Awkward and scary sometimes restitution, but important to your understanding and personal growth.
Mostly what I love about General Conference is the knowledge that I can begin again. It's like a spiritual recharge, a jolt of light. Although like most things in life, it is what you make it or choose to allow it to be. The reminder that we are children of a Heavenly Father who loves us, who misses us from His presence. The reminder that we are all on an equal playing field despite our circumstances in life to receive His counsel and blessings. That we are capable or incapable of personal knowledge of Jesus Christ based on what we choose. We all have the choice to follow or not to follow. To love Him, respect and acknowledge Him and keep his commandments, or not to. Matthew 6:24 "No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon." Mammon is an Aramaic word that means 'riches'. You cannot serve God and be worldly. This always makes me think about the tv I watch, the music I listen to, the books I read or if I'm living beyond my means for the sake of 'pretty things' in my home or closet. Do I have excess? Do I share that excess with those who are poor or in need when I don't need them? Am I charitable with my possessions and my time? Do I live the commandments of God the way He has presented them to the world or do I pick and choose which ones to listen to? In Exodus in the old testament we read:
2 I am the Lord thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.
4 Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth:
5 Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of thefathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me;
7 Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.
10 But the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God: in itthou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thystranger that is within thy gates:
11 For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Lordblessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.
12 ¶Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be longupon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.
17 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour’s.
He doesn't say these words are suggestions. He commands them. Thou shalt is not saying optional. You either obey them or you don't. There are consequences either way. I prefer to do my best to receive good consequences of blessings and knowedge but even I fall short sometimes. That's where the atonement of Jesus Christ comes in. I can repent. I can acknowledge that I have made mistakes and try to fix what I can in them and try my best never to repeat it. I must be honest with myself on this and not be too harsh on myself if I don't get it right away but I must also show true effort and remain humble. The blessings will always come.
I have a testimony of these things that they are true. I have not only studied them throughout my entire life but I have lived them and not lived them and I can testify to you all that living them is remarkably better. He never said it would be easy, He only said it would be worth it. God bless.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Being a Mom is.... A Lot of Things!
I wish I had joined the circus somedays, then I'd get paid for this juggling act called Motherhood. As it is I'm a stay at home Mom who is up at the crack of dawn to make sure her kids are ready for the day, which of course hah they never are, and do my best not to exclude my husband whilst busy with our preschooler and send him off for his busy day as well. I have a million chores that seem to pile up constanly ie: the laundry I need a forklift at this point. Despite giving our teenagers chores ( groan, whine, complain : I'd rather do them myself and not pay them allowance so I don't have to listen to it anymore) nothing ever seems to be done around here. It can be kinda overwhelming at times.
On top of that you add the insecurities, ah there are so many. The I wear sweat pants and a pony tail too often my husband is insane for staying with me, the look at the wrinkles and grey hair I can't afford to go to the salon every week for 'maintenance' all I can afford is a bottle of 'anti wrinkle' cream that makes me feel like I'm at least trying and a shower. Massage? What's that? I get my massage in bed with restless sleeping hubby and scared preschooler sleeping sideways and trying to kick me off the bed. Good times. One of my favorites is by the end of the day I'm so tired my husband and kids must think I've been replaced by a zombie. Then there is I'm a failure as a mother, look at the woman all put together and her kids fairly well behaved, she looks so immaculate why can't I manage that everyday?
Motherhood is full time work without pay or vacations. The family that 'employs' me ( mine ) love to give orders and reminders and late notices. I forgot my lunch can you put money in my lunch account, I'm too tired to do my chores I'll do them tomorrow ( stinky dishes are not something I can stand ew), Mom I need to buy this that and the other and it can't wait ( store closes in 10 minutes). But I do it. I love the smiles on their faces. I love that someday they'll remember me in their lives fondly ( I hope) for all the things I've tried to do for them. Makes me feel good to show effort and be an example that you never give up, even though some days my bathtub looks like a really cozy place to hide for a week with ear plugs and a bag of cheetos.
I'm forever nervous, my eternal worry, that I'm messing up. Forget 'royally' I don't think that word can convey how vast of a screw up I see myself as. I hate that feeling that despite my best efforts of teaching them all I can, raising them right, giving them everything I have to offer, it won't be enough.
On top of that you add the insecurities, ah there are so many. The I wear sweat pants and a pony tail too often my husband is insane for staying with me, the look at the wrinkles and grey hair I can't afford to go to the salon every week for 'maintenance' all I can afford is a bottle of 'anti wrinkle' cream that makes me feel like I'm at least trying and a shower. Massage? What's that? I get my massage in bed with restless sleeping hubby and scared preschooler sleeping sideways and trying to kick me off the bed. Good times. One of my favorites is by the end of the day I'm so tired my husband and kids must think I've been replaced by a zombie. Then there is I'm a failure as a mother, look at the woman all put together and her kids fairly well behaved, she looks so immaculate why can't I manage that everyday?
Motherhood is full time work without pay or vacations. The family that 'employs' me ( mine ) love to give orders and reminders and late notices. I forgot my lunch can you put money in my lunch account, I'm too tired to do my chores I'll do them tomorrow ( stinky dishes are not something I can stand ew), Mom I need to buy this that and the other and it can't wait ( store closes in 10 minutes). But I do it. I love the smiles on their faces. I love that someday they'll remember me in their lives fondly ( I hope) for all the things I've tried to do for them. Makes me feel good to show effort and be an example that you never give up, even though some days my bathtub looks like a really cozy place to hide for a week with ear plugs and a bag of cheetos.
I'm forever nervous, my eternal worry, that I'm messing up. Forget 'royally' I don't think that word can convey how vast of a screw up I see myself as. I hate that feeling that despite my best efforts of teaching them all I can, raising them right, giving them everything I have to offer, it won't be enough.
Friday, September 5, 2014
Reflection
I'm sure at several points in your life you've wanted to stop yourself from making that mistake, or dating that guy, or even wanted to encourage yourself to continue on that path don't wander off or no don't change your decision about that college course it's the way you need to go.
Most of us at some point will look back at our former selves and think to ourselves I shouldn't have done that or if I had only chose differently. Regrets. We also, some of us, find ourselves thinking about regrets and coming to the realization that we can't take it back or change it necessarily. Time only moves forward. Which is the direction we should all be headed anyway. If you're looking back you can't move forward. That's where forgiveness comes in. Even for the little things and boy do they add up over time.
Hopefully we don't hold grudges or speak evil of others just because we're bored or we can't let it go. Such a waste of valuable time that we could be using serving others in our families, neighborhoods, communities, world. I think even smiling at someone is an act of service. It can change a person's day that desperately needed just one person to make eye contact with them and smile letting them know they're not invisible in this world. That they are seen. That they are of value and worth to someone. That someone can be you.
For me forgiving others is easy. I am still struggling, for the most part, forgiving myself. Recently when I look around I see consequences. Permanent consequences to decisions that I made earlier in life that might not have been the best choices for me. But, wishful thinking on the reversal of such things isn't possible. So how can I change that? Where do I start?
I started by verbalizing how I felt. Not just about how things have turned out for me in just about every aspect of my life but how I feel about myself as a person in the world. How I see me. How I think others see me. How I want to be seen. Regrets are hard. I hate to focus on them but I admit lately I can't seem to rid myself of them. Please if you're reading this don't do it. It becomes it's own regret lol.
I had a breakthrough finally. Emotionally anyways. I am finally at a point where I can look back and say it's ok. Most of that stuff will fall by the wayside and isn't as consequential as I originally thought. Don't get me wrong, as a christian I am still a firm believer in the art of true repentance. I do it often. That reminds me I need some knee pads. Forgiving ourselves is the hardest part. Letting what we did go. You can only apologize and offer to fix things so much, even to others, before you have to say well I've done all I can think of with this it's time to move on. Hopefully we apply restitution when we try and fix our mistakes not just with others but with ourselves. It's not enough to say I'm sorry on it's own. It's necessary to say what can I do to fix this and do whatever you can that feels right to you. It's necessary to allow yourself to be forgiven even if at the moment you feel unworthy of it. It's necessary to forgive and forsake the mistake doing everything humanly possible not to repeat it. It's necessary to forgive yourself and move on.
I feel so calm and peaceful today. First time in I don't know how long. Without forgiveness comes judgement and anger and I just want no part of that. I believe in inspiring, encouraging, and loving kindness. I believe in being silly, having fun, letting the little things go when I can. I believe that my time is spent more wisely on my family and friends. Serving others with all I have. Best medicine and cure for anything bothering you is to throw yourself into service. Forget yourself. Very healing. Do what you can when you can. I believe in being honest as much as possible with the occasional tongue bite, with that one I think it depends on how long someone or something's been bothering you.
May you all find your happiness, your true happiness, and pursue it. Living out loud doesn't have to be complicated if anything it shouldn't be. Keep it simple.
Most of us at some point will look back at our former selves and think to ourselves I shouldn't have done that or if I had only chose differently. Regrets. We also, some of us, find ourselves thinking about regrets and coming to the realization that we can't take it back or change it necessarily. Time only moves forward. Which is the direction we should all be headed anyway. If you're looking back you can't move forward. That's where forgiveness comes in. Even for the little things and boy do they add up over time.
Hopefully we don't hold grudges or speak evil of others just because we're bored or we can't let it go. Such a waste of valuable time that we could be using serving others in our families, neighborhoods, communities, world. I think even smiling at someone is an act of service. It can change a person's day that desperately needed just one person to make eye contact with them and smile letting them know they're not invisible in this world. That they are seen. That they are of value and worth to someone. That someone can be you.
For me forgiving others is easy. I am still struggling, for the most part, forgiving myself. Recently when I look around I see consequences. Permanent consequences to decisions that I made earlier in life that might not have been the best choices for me. But, wishful thinking on the reversal of such things isn't possible. So how can I change that? Where do I start?
I started by verbalizing how I felt. Not just about how things have turned out for me in just about every aspect of my life but how I feel about myself as a person in the world. How I see me. How I think others see me. How I want to be seen. Regrets are hard. I hate to focus on them but I admit lately I can't seem to rid myself of them. Please if you're reading this don't do it. It becomes it's own regret lol.
I had a breakthrough finally. Emotionally anyways. I am finally at a point where I can look back and say it's ok. Most of that stuff will fall by the wayside and isn't as consequential as I originally thought. Don't get me wrong, as a christian I am still a firm believer in the art of true repentance. I do it often. That reminds me I need some knee pads. Forgiving ourselves is the hardest part. Letting what we did go. You can only apologize and offer to fix things so much, even to others, before you have to say well I've done all I can think of with this it's time to move on. Hopefully we apply restitution when we try and fix our mistakes not just with others but with ourselves. It's not enough to say I'm sorry on it's own. It's necessary to say what can I do to fix this and do whatever you can that feels right to you. It's necessary to allow yourself to be forgiven even if at the moment you feel unworthy of it. It's necessary to forgive and forsake the mistake doing everything humanly possible not to repeat it. It's necessary to forgive yourself and move on.
I feel so calm and peaceful today. First time in I don't know how long. Without forgiveness comes judgement and anger and I just want no part of that. I believe in inspiring, encouraging, and loving kindness. I believe in being silly, having fun, letting the little things go when I can. I believe that my time is spent more wisely on my family and friends. Serving others with all I have. Best medicine and cure for anything bothering you is to throw yourself into service. Forget yourself. Very healing. Do what you can when you can. I believe in being honest as much as possible with the occasional tongue bite, with that one I think it depends on how long someone or something's been bothering you.
May you all find your happiness, your true happiness, and pursue it. Living out loud doesn't have to be complicated if anything it shouldn't be. Keep it simple.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
That Time of Year Again
My two eldest, Brittany 16 and Dyllan 14 are headed to high school, Dyllan for the first time. They were informed last year that they were in pre AP classes and had assignments that needed to be finished the first day of school. My advice was that although it's summer they should set aside at least one hour a day until their projects were completed so they wouldn't feel rushed or leave it to the last minute. I also reminded them of this advice for the last two months. As a Mom it is hard to let it go. When you know they need to work on something but you also know they need to be responsible for it at this age, not you, and they need to accept the consequences of their choices good or bad. I cringe when I think about the things I know they need to do and put off or don't. But then I remind myself it's their life, let them handle it. I have offered to help out, words of encouragement and believe me with some subjects words of encouragement are lost because of their lack of confidence in themselves. Very teenager of them. I remember that feeling, I'm not sure it ever leaves lol.
I'm always so excited to see what my kids do next with their lives. How they adjust to new things, watching them discover new ideas and ways of choosing what comes next. It's awesome! Brittany has always been fearless when it comes to new things. She either wants to do it or she doesn't, she either agrees with you or not, I like that there is little to no grey area with her. Blunt, honest, to the point, you always know where you stand with her. Although she works hard on biting her tongue a lot too so as to not have to argue when she doesn't see the point in it or doesn't want to make someone cry lol that one's my favorite. Dyllan is always so skeptical about everything, reminds me of his Dad Nate completely and totally. Even when he gets all of the information that he needs to make an informed decision, sometimes it takes a loooooooot of encouraging and reassuring to get him to move his feet forward and get there. But once he does, it's like a firework all lit up brilliant in color and life! That's my favorite. Catie is four so everything is new and a wonder to her I just love observing her and watching her reactions to basically everything. Even if she gets mad she's adorable. She's just so dang smart for her age! You have to have an argument with her sometime. She'll find a way to use your logic against you and convince you that she's right. She's four! We are in for a world of trouble with this one I'm sure, but still, I'm excited to see what she does next. Watching her argue her way out of just about anything or being a chatterbox to everyone about everything is my favorite.
Life is grand, albeit hard and complicated. So many of us always in a rush to do as much as possible is as little amount of time. It's nice to slow down, enjoy the atmosphere, smile, take your time make important choices when you can. It's better to remember to experience it , take it in, than to rush through and just be present what a waste. Summer reminds us to stop and look around. Smell the roses, visit the beach and listen to the waves, take family vacations singing loudly in a crowded vehicle driving 2000 miles to your destination. Those moments are when I get to know my family best. How they've grown, how they've changed. Even just the silent cuddles on a porch swing or a weeny roast in the backyard, catching fireflies, listening to frogs sing. It's nice. We will have to work on making these things an every day occurrence as often as possible.
I look forward to a new school year. Forward to the chaos and the challenges, hopefully we overcome them in good standing, frustration and all. But, as Ferris Bueller says, "Life moves pretty fast, if you stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
I'm always so excited to see what my kids do next with their lives. How they adjust to new things, watching them discover new ideas and ways of choosing what comes next. It's awesome! Brittany has always been fearless when it comes to new things. She either wants to do it or she doesn't, she either agrees with you or not, I like that there is little to no grey area with her. Blunt, honest, to the point, you always know where you stand with her. Although she works hard on biting her tongue a lot too so as to not have to argue when she doesn't see the point in it or doesn't want to make someone cry lol that one's my favorite. Dyllan is always so skeptical about everything, reminds me of his Dad Nate completely and totally. Even when he gets all of the information that he needs to make an informed decision, sometimes it takes a loooooooot of encouraging and reassuring to get him to move his feet forward and get there. But once he does, it's like a firework all lit up brilliant in color and life! That's my favorite. Catie is four so everything is new and a wonder to her I just love observing her and watching her reactions to basically everything. Even if she gets mad she's adorable. She's just so dang smart for her age! You have to have an argument with her sometime. She'll find a way to use your logic against you and convince you that she's right. She's four! We are in for a world of trouble with this one I'm sure, but still, I'm excited to see what she does next. Watching her argue her way out of just about anything or being a chatterbox to everyone about everything is my favorite.
Life is grand, albeit hard and complicated. So many of us always in a rush to do as much as possible is as little amount of time. It's nice to slow down, enjoy the atmosphere, smile, take your time make important choices when you can. It's better to remember to experience it , take it in, than to rush through and just be present what a waste. Summer reminds us to stop and look around. Smell the roses, visit the beach and listen to the waves, take family vacations singing loudly in a crowded vehicle driving 2000 miles to your destination. Those moments are when I get to know my family best. How they've grown, how they've changed. Even just the silent cuddles on a porch swing or a weeny roast in the backyard, catching fireflies, listening to frogs sing. It's nice. We will have to work on making these things an every day occurrence as often as possible.
I look forward to a new school year. Forward to the chaos and the challenges, hopefully we overcome them in good standing, frustration and all. But, as Ferris Bueller says, "Life moves pretty fast, if you stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
Monday, July 21, 2014
Redemption
Mistakes are so flipping easy to make. I hate that. I hate the feeling when you know you've made a mistake and sometimes you cannot redeem yourself from it no matter how hard you try. Not necessarily because you haven't made the effort but occasionally because the receiving end of the apology or restitution that you offer isn't having it. It can make you feel judged and criticized. I'm not talking giant mistakes here either, I may have had one speeding ticket my entire life, I'm talking about things that are seemingly harmless or that you are trying to be careful with. The truth can be tricky when no one wants to face it and sometimes the delivery is impossible when you feel compelled to be honest no matter what.
For a while now I've had this weird thing going on with me that makes no sense at all and yet there it is. Every time I speak in public I feel stupid or I want to start over or retract entire sentences that I feel I might not have explained right or at all. It's a ridiculous problem. It's worse when I share things of great merit to myself that are personal or sacred things. Incidents, memories or ideas that mean a lot to me and are dear to my heart. I'm always afraid that someone will demean it with the way this society treats each other. Cheapen the experience and magnitude of knowledge I may have gained. Not that I have heard every rumor, or rude snicker, or unfounded judgement behind my back, but I know they happen. I guess I just don't understand the point. What good can come from that? What purpose does it serve? What wonderful and interesting gain can you even achieve from it?
I have been taught not to be so easily offended and on the other foot not to be afraid of offending others. Sounds confusing right? Sometimes it is! But over the years, through life experiences I've kind of learned a balance. Not that it's an easy one I assure you. I've learned that being offended by every stranger, so called friends, or even family member that knows little to nothing about me is worthless. They haven't been there for every light and dark hour in my life and unless they take a consistent period of time to get to know me by asking questions, listening to stories and memories or following any of my interests their opinion doesn't carry much weight. By the same token, when it's true, it's true no matter what I do about it and me saying it outloud ( hopefully in the appropriate places) won't change that. Being offended by fact is also worthless. Fact is something that is occurring or has occurred. No amount of side stepping, lying or looking the other way can change it. I find it better, for me, to simply face it and address it as I go.
Regardless of all these wonderful lessons and assuring experiences and words of encouragement from close family and friends I definitely struggle. Example of trying not to be offended but afraid to offend. Our family had the opportunity to visit the St Louis Science Center. It's a wonderful facility and once we entered it and took a look around it was like being a child in a land of wonder! I was excited, hopefully the kids were too, at all the possibilities. But as time wore on I noted a serious problem. The children on school trips or with groups were a little rowdy and you could see these caregivers struggle but there was a lot of effort involved and I applaud them for that. But there was a large portion of children running around the facility doing whatever they wanted. Pushing us out the way of exhibits we were exploring without an excuse me, without patience, without parents!! I found several parents on phones, tablets, etc on benches, along walls with absolutely no regard to their children's behavior or safety. I didn't just glance once or twice it was the entire time we were there throughout the entire facility and I literally sat on a bench when one became available and watched all of this unravel. Doesn't make me angry, makes me disappointed. But did I say anything? No. I should have found a manager and told them they had about fifteen to twenty kids without parents anywhere around them doing whatever they wanted, pushing people out of the way including other small children. I regret that I didn't but I know that after a couple of hours of it we were exhausted and frustrated enough to leave. I believe in teaching my children the kind of adults they need to be. Manners are a sign of respect to others around you. Not just strangers. They also show an intelligent nature and respect for themselves. Worth teaching and enforcing I promise you.
As you can see by the previous example I am still learning this balance. I try to be careful what I do and say around others but I'm trying to figure out how patient I should be. Where is that line I can't find where I don't feel so uncomfortable? How do I manage to magnify my inner strength and keep going when everything around me seems to be falling apart? Prayer helps. Faith helps. But I'm still human. Sometimes I need to see the example in front of me to feel more confident in moving forward. More confidence in myself. I'm no pushover and not easily convinced but I'm also open to ideas and suggestions. I've heard the whole live your life and let others live theirs but their choices affect my life.
Make no mistake that I will tolerate a lot from the world but that doesn't always mean I agree with you. Sometimes I'm watching carefully waiting until you push a button I cannot allow and am forced to push back as hard as I possibly can. Hopefully I will figure all this out and redeem the mistakes I can while I'm sure creating new ones lol.
For a while now I've had this weird thing going on with me that makes no sense at all and yet there it is. Every time I speak in public I feel stupid or I want to start over or retract entire sentences that I feel I might not have explained right or at all. It's a ridiculous problem. It's worse when I share things of great merit to myself that are personal or sacred things. Incidents, memories or ideas that mean a lot to me and are dear to my heart. I'm always afraid that someone will demean it with the way this society treats each other. Cheapen the experience and magnitude of knowledge I may have gained. Not that I have heard every rumor, or rude snicker, or unfounded judgement behind my back, but I know they happen. I guess I just don't understand the point. What good can come from that? What purpose does it serve? What wonderful and interesting gain can you even achieve from it?
I have been taught not to be so easily offended and on the other foot not to be afraid of offending others. Sounds confusing right? Sometimes it is! But over the years, through life experiences I've kind of learned a balance. Not that it's an easy one I assure you. I've learned that being offended by every stranger, so called friends, or even family member that knows little to nothing about me is worthless. They haven't been there for every light and dark hour in my life and unless they take a consistent period of time to get to know me by asking questions, listening to stories and memories or following any of my interests their opinion doesn't carry much weight. By the same token, when it's true, it's true no matter what I do about it and me saying it outloud ( hopefully in the appropriate places) won't change that. Being offended by fact is also worthless. Fact is something that is occurring or has occurred. No amount of side stepping, lying or looking the other way can change it. I find it better, for me, to simply face it and address it as I go.
Regardless of all these wonderful lessons and assuring experiences and words of encouragement from close family and friends I definitely struggle. Example of trying not to be offended but afraid to offend. Our family had the opportunity to visit the St Louis Science Center. It's a wonderful facility and once we entered it and took a look around it was like being a child in a land of wonder! I was excited, hopefully the kids were too, at all the possibilities. But as time wore on I noted a serious problem. The children on school trips or with groups were a little rowdy and you could see these caregivers struggle but there was a lot of effort involved and I applaud them for that. But there was a large portion of children running around the facility doing whatever they wanted. Pushing us out the way of exhibits we were exploring without an excuse me, without patience, without parents!! I found several parents on phones, tablets, etc on benches, along walls with absolutely no regard to their children's behavior or safety. I didn't just glance once or twice it was the entire time we were there throughout the entire facility and I literally sat on a bench when one became available and watched all of this unravel. Doesn't make me angry, makes me disappointed. But did I say anything? No. I should have found a manager and told them they had about fifteen to twenty kids without parents anywhere around them doing whatever they wanted, pushing people out of the way including other small children. I regret that I didn't but I know that after a couple of hours of it we were exhausted and frustrated enough to leave. I believe in teaching my children the kind of adults they need to be. Manners are a sign of respect to others around you. Not just strangers. They also show an intelligent nature and respect for themselves. Worth teaching and enforcing I promise you.
As you can see by the previous example I am still learning this balance. I try to be careful what I do and say around others but I'm trying to figure out how patient I should be. Where is that line I can't find where I don't feel so uncomfortable? How do I manage to magnify my inner strength and keep going when everything around me seems to be falling apart? Prayer helps. Faith helps. But I'm still human. Sometimes I need to see the example in front of me to feel more confident in moving forward. More confidence in myself. I'm no pushover and not easily convinced but I'm also open to ideas and suggestions. I've heard the whole live your life and let others live theirs but their choices affect my life.
Make no mistake that I will tolerate a lot from the world but that doesn't always mean I agree with you. Sometimes I'm watching carefully waiting until you push a button I cannot allow and am forced to push back as hard as I possibly can. Hopefully I will figure all this out and redeem the mistakes I can while I'm sure creating new ones lol.
Friday, June 13, 2014
Woman and Man
My whole life I have seen different types of women. Ones that loved be homemakers fullfilling their dreams as wives and mothers. Ones that loved being at home but it wasn't enough so they became creative and discovered their own businesses from home and it keeps them very busy but they still get to stay at home with their children. I have seen women who choose many different career paths and manage to balance these busy careers and have their families as well. I have seen women who have no interest in marriage or family and choose to put all they have into friends, pets, and their employment. Every woman feels her best in different ways. It would take years to describe them all.
I believe that woman are equal to men and just as we expect men to respect us we also in turn need to respect them. How do you think society is doing on that front? Do you think they respect us women as a whole? Do you think we have earned that respect or do we simply demand it because we were born female? Like we are entitled to anything we want without hard work.
I found an interesting 'writing' from Jill Jackson out of Beverly Hills that I want to share with all of you, the title is "Open Letter to Man."
"I am a woman.
"I am your wife, your sweetheart, your mother, your sister- your friend.
"I need your help!
"I was created to give the world Gentleness, Understanding, Serenity, Beauty, and Love.
"I am finding it increasingly difficult to fulfill my purpose.
"Many people in advertising, motion pictures, television, and radio have ignored my inward qualities and have
repeatedly used me only as a symbol of sex.
"This humiliates me, it destroys my dignity, it prevents me from being what you want me to be-an example of
Beauty, Inspiration, and Love: love for my children, love for my husband, love of my God and country.
"I need your help to restore me to my true position- and to allow me to fulfill the Purpose for which I was
Created.
"Oh, man, I know that you will find the way."
Very powerful words full of truth. I know for myself, the reason I'm afraid to trust a man or follow his lead when he takes my hand to guide us through this life together, is completely hindered because of men that abused me. Took advantage of my sweet nature as a young girl. Forced me into shame and anger because they saw women as something to dominate and control instead of love and nuture and protect.
To all the men out there who fight for their wives, daughters, sisters, mothers, grandmothers, aunts and friends to be loved and seen as beautiful angelic creations I salute you and praise you. To all the young men and men out there who open the door for women or carry her bags for her any time you get to chance and show your respect and admiration, to you , dears sirs, I express my love and gratitude. You are beacons of light in a dying world. Cherished and supported among women and other men of your great stature. You are amazing creatures who I know will pass on these attributes to your sons and them their sons in a continuous manner and it is you who will change the world.
On this Father's Day, I want to thank my husband for the great man that he is. He is strong, smart, caring, kind, respectful, inspirational and loving. I adore him. My protector, my sweetheart, father of my children, my love. Thankyou, for being such a wonderful husband and father. I am grateful to God everyday for you.
I believe that woman are equal to men and just as we expect men to respect us we also in turn need to respect them. How do you think society is doing on that front? Do you think they respect us women as a whole? Do you think we have earned that respect or do we simply demand it because we were born female? Like we are entitled to anything we want without hard work.
I found an interesting 'writing' from Jill Jackson out of Beverly Hills that I want to share with all of you, the title is "Open Letter to Man."
"I am a woman.
"I am your wife, your sweetheart, your mother, your sister- your friend.
"I need your help!
"I was created to give the world Gentleness, Understanding, Serenity, Beauty, and Love.
"I am finding it increasingly difficult to fulfill my purpose.
"Many people in advertising, motion pictures, television, and radio have ignored my inward qualities and have
repeatedly used me only as a symbol of sex.
"This humiliates me, it destroys my dignity, it prevents me from being what you want me to be-an example of
Beauty, Inspiration, and Love: love for my children, love for my husband, love of my God and country.
"I need your help to restore me to my true position- and to allow me to fulfill the Purpose for which I was
Created.
"Oh, man, I know that you will find the way."
Very powerful words full of truth. I know for myself, the reason I'm afraid to trust a man or follow his lead when he takes my hand to guide us through this life together, is completely hindered because of men that abused me. Took advantage of my sweet nature as a young girl. Forced me into shame and anger because they saw women as something to dominate and control instead of love and nuture and protect.
To all the men out there who fight for their wives, daughters, sisters, mothers, grandmothers, aunts and friends to be loved and seen as beautiful angelic creations I salute you and praise you. To all the young men and men out there who open the door for women or carry her bags for her any time you get to chance and show your respect and admiration, to you , dears sirs, I express my love and gratitude. You are beacons of light in a dying world. Cherished and supported among women and other men of your great stature. You are amazing creatures who I know will pass on these attributes to your sons and them their sons in a continuous manner and it is you who will change the world.
On this Father's Day, I want to thank my husband for the great man that he is. He is strong, smart, caring, kind, respectful, inspirational and loving. I adore him. My protector, my sweetheart, father of my children, my love. Thankyou, for being such a wonderful husband and father. I am grateful to God everyday for you.
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