Still working on it

I still feel that over the years I've worked out every, apparent mind you, error that I've made that directly affected my children and have corrected it to the best of my abilities.  Me on the other hand, still working on it.  Lately it feels like an all uphill battle that might never be won.  A little discouraging perhaps but at least realistic.

I find myself discovering new memories of an old life or simply remembering what I've forgotten.  Some very hilarious to me now as an adult and no longer in those situations.  Others more haunting and cringe worthy.  Here's my question.  How do you know that you are working through the problem and forgiving yourself versus simply justifying the mistake?

To be Continued...

Keep on keeping on

Sooooooo a couple weeks ago felt something on the top of my head go pop!  Instapanic!  I sat still waiting to see if anything happened.  Nothin'.  Nadda.  About 20 minutes later got a splitting headache.  Yikes!  Here I come ER hope it's not an aneurysm.  Eek!

They immediately gave me meds for pain set up IV, asked a billion questions, did a basic neuro test ( drunk test+can you follow my finger).  Found nothing.  Set me up for blood tests with a newbie medic learning how to use da needle (ah well already in pain anyway right), CT scan, and please let me pee I gotta gooooo!  She says good while you're in there........

Then she comes in with all this 'equipment' and one of them looks like a mask and surgical cover as well as a very long needle.  Oh crap!  Can we do a spinal tap to make sure you aren't hemoraging?  Sure why not.  Ow, ow, ow, ow a million times ow!  Even with the local ow ow ow!  They warned me there were be a headache but I didn't really feel anything I'm good.

Five minutes later.........Holy Son of a Cow eating Pooh!  ( sorry too graphic?)  And the pain in my spine didn't help either.  The nurse that was supposed to give me meds (forget her name or I would totally warn you) didn't.  Instead we saw her walk passed us with some weird look on her face and then we saw her, her sweater and her purse walk off.  Splitting headache, aching spine, need something please, NOW.

Then, a savior.  New nurse.  She introduced herself WITH meds in her pocket ( I love her), and let me tell you the Benadryl?  Instadrunk tongue wandering saying a whole bunch of stuff you can't stop your mouth from saying wondering if you are even making sense.  Probably not.  But the pain?  Blissfully dismissed ( big toothy grin).  Did I mention I love her?

After 4 and a half hours of tests the results.  You have diabetes.

???????????????????

Your blood sugar is high and it looks like you could be a type 1.

???????????????????

You need to go meet with your Endocrinologist and get this all taken care of.

WHAT???!!!

Seriously.  Three kids, three gestational diabetes pregnancies.  Your chances of getting any diabetes after one goes up 10%, after 2, 30% and after 3?  Like 50%.  When they tell you that you will likely get it later in life there's no telling how far later.  My youngest is turning 4 years old next month.  This sucks!  So now instead I only have to eat a certain way for a couple of months is now a lifetime.  Right now it feels like an uphill battle but I know I can do this.  My angry at myself impatient with myself self will have to get over this and keep on keeping on.

So now I'm on Metformin.  Hate it!  Makes me feel like I have the flu without actually having it.  The intestinal cramps have been the worst. I don't like that I easily get dehydrated either living in St Louis summers is gonna be rough.   I keep telling myself this too shall pass.  Well this part of it.  Once my body is used to the meds I won't feel the side effects as bad.  The diabetes even when my blood sugar does better is a permanent fixture.  I will live as if I have it even if the levels recover and my pancreas comes out of hiding.  Believe it or not.  It's not the disease or having hypothyroid or other stupid ailments that's making me mad.  It's me.

In our lives we are always faced with choices and consequences.  Good choice= good consequence it isn't rocket science.  But I know a million different things I could have done and even if I still ended up here I would have been able to say I tried my best.  But I didn't.  Really sucks when the person you realize you're hurting is yourself.  All this time.  Silly little things that add up.  I have no one to blame but me.

BUT.  Even so.  I am blessed.  I'm a fighter.  Without all those trials I had to suffer through in childhood I never would have learned to be such a good fighter.  That level of determination is key in survival.  It's an uphill battle, will take a lifetime to fight, but I'm for it.  And when I'm not?  The Lord and my family and friends will have my back.  I need all the support I can get.  Encouragement to succeed.  Inspiration to endure.  Bring it on!

Life Happens with or without you

So you've decided that your life didn't turn out the way you wanted it to.  You've tried for years to make it what you've always dreamed of and no dice.  That's life.

You make your peace with it, stand up and become even  more determined.  This is your year.  You have your list of New Year's resolutions and you are ready to do this thing!  By February you and I both know that you will crumple that list up and throw it in the trash.  That's life.

Might I make a suggestion.  Don't make New Year's Resolutions ever again as long as you live.  We tend to set unrealistic goals or realistic goals with unrealistic timelines.  Stop the madness!  It is better to set small goals that you can finish quickly but need to be determined to maintain over a lifetime.  And when you faulter, DO NOT GIVE UP.  That's like life suicide and it will only make you sad and feeling worthless and defeated.  Instead, wake up the next day and start again.  Not completely start over, never do that.  Start from where you left off.  Keep going.  Find quotes, scriptures, anything you need to put around you to inspire you to smile and accept the challenges of life to keep going.  Make small realistic goals with realistic timelines.  Example, losing weight.  Don't sit there pick lbs and inches and how many days it should take you.  Start with taking out all the junk food in your house.  Buy your favorite fruits and vegetables.  Eat as many of them as you want all day long!  Put away the soda and coffee and go for a walk, play tennis, jump on a pogo stick, basketball with friends, play with your kids at the park chasing them around ( I realize it's winter you'll think of something).  Have FUN!  You remember fun don't you?  You do right?  ......... Natural endorphins maintain a good metabolism and keep you HAPPY!  We like those.

Suggestion number two.  Keep busy.  Find other people who need your help and instead of saying to yourself I don't want to help so and so move, put your shoes and coat on and do everything you can for as long as you can to help out.  There is nothing like the great feeling of accomplishment.  It builds character, is self fulfilling, and boosts your self confidence tremendously.  It makes you want to take on more and keep going.

Okay now this is a big one and probably the hardest.  Be less critical of yourself.  Some people get so overwhelmed they shut down and hide in their homes, less participation with friends, sleep more.  You are your worst enemy.  I'm not the first to say it.  But your biggest supporter should always be YOU.  Don't wait for others to say good for you.  You know what you've accomplished, you know who you are and that should be good enough for anyone.  When you smile at everyone around you it passes on.  Lovely natural occurrance.  Just try your best.  Give yourself permission to mess up and cut yourself some slack.  You'll figure all this out, trial and error is a valuable thing in life.  If you go back to sitting on your couch, hiding from the doorbell and the phone the world will still go on living with or without you.

Speaking on behalf of the world, ( have no right to but gonna do it anyways) we miss you get out there and show us what you got!

Making an Effort

When you look into the mirror what do you see?  Freckles, ambition, freedom, strong will, crooked nose, sadness, a better version of yourself?  I see an older version of how I actually feel.  I see someone who struggles to understand herself and everyone around her.  I see a fighter, a creator, a friend, a mother, a daughter, a wife.  I see love, willingness, patience, and hope.  I see tired, worn out, frustrated, fed up.  Trying to improve yourself on a daily basis is really hard work.  It's never just your insides either you try to improve your life around you.  Be more helpful, more trustworthy.  More organized, more forgiving.

Sometimes the money and the time don't add up so I'll have some new material for a room in the house to improve but no time to execute.  I'll finally find a week to take a family vacation but have to spend a large portion of savings on medical bills, car repairs etc.  You sure do have to fight for your life.  Prioritize.  I need time to sit down and do that don't I.  By the time I find some my priorities have changed and I get frustrated and annoyed.

I pray for help and see leaps and bounds of understanding in myself and those I pray for to have patience with me.  I love to learn His will and make it a personal goal to choose to improve daily.  Sometimes that includes reminders on my 'off' days to keep going and don't give up just because I made a mistake or had a bad day trying to figure something out.  Strive to do better every day.  I need to focus on being the best me I am capable of being.  That has nothing to do with wealth or status.  It has to do with love and compassion.  Hopefully in an intelligent light that love is not without justice.

I have many opportunities of friendship and trustworthy tasks.  I help others as often as I have time to and sometimes rearrange my schedule when necessary to help.  I try not to worry about the little details but see the big picture.  I don't patronize them by ignoring their faults or mistakes but I don't harp on them either.  I make it a point to be truthful even if it's not something I want to say and definitely not something they want to hear but I try to be careful with the emotions involved.  Timing is everything as they say.  I word hard at understanding.  I fall short sometimes.  For that I'm sorry.

I have noticed lately that through this conscious effort to improve weaknesses my heart is changing.  It's slow and steady and I allow myself to make mistakes and try quickly to learn from them.  I am so much more sensitive to everyone around me than I used to be.  I have learned thus far that the Lord agrees with what I'm trying to do and thus the noticeably helping me.  It's not about popularity or stature it's about how it makes me feel.  It makes me happy to try to be a better listener, a better friend and mother.

I need to keep looking in that mirror and improving what I see.  As long as I see effort, trying to be better, trying to learn more about the world around me and about God's plan of happiness for me, I think I'm doing ok.

Lessons I Keep Learning...from Myself

Every once in a blue moon ( so rare) I get a moment to relfect on previous posts, moments in my life.  Times of struggle, times of triumph, times on intrigue and curiosity.  Small lessons and big ones, profound and creative.  They are all me.  It just goes to show you that you are not defined in one word or even 5 words or even 25 words.  You are incredibly unique.  I am like a rubber band in lesson learning being stretched as far as I can go and occasionally a misstep will occur ( I totally make mistakes more than I'd like to)and I snap back.  It always hurts, it's always frustrating but I learn from it and that's the most important part.

I am also like a shiny diamond cut and polished, multifaceted with so many details and yes flaws.  But boy can I sparkle when I want to!  I am capable of absorbing light and reflecting that light to others.  I can shine.  The more I learn and absorb the more I can teach and reflect not only to others but to myself as well.  I've kept a journal since I was twelve years old.  I wrote everything in it and even now at thirty-eight I am still astounded at the lessons I learned.  They are profound and filled with wisdom, intelligence, and light.  Of course not every page is that way some of them say my parents suck for grounding me or so and so was talking about me at lunch and I hate her now.  That stuff actually makes me laugh and smile, it's still a part of me, I felt it at the time.  Even those seemingly insignificant parts have their place and meaning in  my life.

Keeping an online journal like this blog is even harder.  I guess when I started it I felt like I had been hiding who I was for so long that I just didn't see the point anymore and had to let it all out.  Still working on that but it has helped me a tremendous amount to be able to go back to my written journals and this blog and actually see growth, determination to succeed, knowledge and wisdom that still help me.  It's weird when you read some entries of things you've written years ago and find that you just gave the best advice to yourself you could have ever gotten of course not knowing at the time you'd need it like you do now and you can't escape it because it came from you.  What a blessing.

I was recently reading my "shoe fly don't bother me" blog from October 11,2010 over three years ago.  I don't think if I tried to write that blog today I would even be able to do it as well as I did that day.  It's almost scary how perfect it is to me, for me and maybe even for others.  How I honestly feel about friendship in this world and my life.  But that's the point of this blog isn't it.  To be completely honest with myself and hope and rely on you, the public to offer words of encouragement or advice to help me become a better person.  This is a life mission I'm afraid.  I still struggle letting me be myself around others and so desperately want to be able to.  I hate that I hide it drives me crazy!  Sometimes it really hurts my feelings.

So grateful for the opportunity to even have a blog and be able to write it in every chance I get when either something's bothering me or I learn something new or I'm being just plain opinionated about stuff lol.  I like that I can be held accountable this way.  It's soothing to me to know this isn't hidden.  It's not in some book on my nightstand with a pen inside, it's right here in front of everyone.  You never know who's reading or watching and possibly going through a lot of the same things I am or hopefully not going through the same things I am and counting your blessings.  I think there is peace in sharing hardships with others whether they can relate to it or not.

Do yourself a favor.  Stand out today.  Some kind of hidden talent that you might have that someone long ago made fun of you for that you do well.  Sing in a park for no reason other than you love to sing.  Jump on a trampoline in your neighbors yard doing flips you know you're good at.  Something.  Be that diamond.  Shine!

Sigh of Relief

Today the house, the very house we live in, feels a whole lot lighter.  Sometimes when it rains it pours and our family in the past couple of weeks has had an all out flood!  I have no idea what's in the water but I think everyone goes through these cycles.  One minute it's ok for you talk about people behind their backs and the next you're defending them even though you may have been the cause for the chatter in the first place.  As confusing as that is to I appreciate the part where they come around.

I've had so many things to take in and deal with and struggle through with my kids and family and home and church.  It overwhelmed me but today and yesterday I just felt like it finally left.  We were lighter, happier, smiling more, and that awkward feeling over everyone being overwhelmed with school and responsibilities finally came to a head.  It's the build up I really despise.  With this release the mood of the entire house has changed dramatically.  Simple yet important things that needed to take place.

I hope the youth of this world know how important they are.  This world with all it's rules and then extra added rules and lately a very controlling government makes life feel overwhelming, confusing and down right something you want nothing to do with.  I understand that feeling.  However, what the world needs is your good examples.  Your strong spirits who are more accepting and loving and kind.  If you don't have a good example at home please find one and follow them.  You always have a choice that's what freedom is.  Freedom isn't doing whatever you want.  It's the right to choose for yourselves.  The consequences we never get to choose, others around us do.  Exercising their own freedom of reaction to your choices.  Don't back down if it's the right thing to do.  You'll know it's right if it won't hurt anyone around but enhance their lives.  It's okay to fight back and stand up for what's right.  I hope that you know that.  Be careful with your decisions they can affect not only your life but everyone around you so take a minute to consider but not to the point that you are stressed out about it.  Some things don't have to be decided right away.

I sincerely hope that parents are being a good example to their children.  When you have children your life isn't over but it does need to be put on hold or at the very least the back burner to an extent.  You need to live for your children, take the time to raise them in good moral standing.  Encourage them to learn all that they can at this time of their lives so that they are better prepared for the world around them.  Someday you won't be here and they will need to take the lead.  Are you teaching them how?  Absent of greed and material things?  They need to know how to survive, emotionally, physically, spiritually.  They need to learn respect and kindness.  Not everyone agrees on everything even how we raise our children.  Everyone is so individual and unique, which I absolutely love!  But we always need to be seeking common ground with our kids.  It's ok to have the final say, you're the parent they are the child, but make sure you take the time to hear them out before final decisions are made.  They just need to feel like they're heard.  It's important to us all for our futures as well that they are.

Through great adversity and great trials comes greater understanding and knowledge.  Knowledge and intelligence are powerful and some underestimate that a little too much.  Continue to learn, always learning always growing.  You will be blessed.

Venting Does a Body Good

Yesterday I had the opportunity to vent alone and with friends both equally needed and important to destress.  After writing about my wonderful ( yeah right) Monday that felt as if I'd walked onto a television set in the middle of filming, I dropped my youngest off at her preschool , came home, and screamed!  Man alive that felt good! It sure made it easier to breathe.  Then I proceeded to work on the house a bit with chores, especially laundry I steal my toddlers 'blankie" when she's at preschool every week and wash it hehe.
Then I wandered off to the grocery store and felt a lot more relaxed I noticed as I was putting the groceries away.  I even had that moment some of us rarely get where it's peaceful, everything is in order, and took a deep cleansing breath.  I smiled the rest of the way home watching all the beautiful colored leaves floating off the trees in a breeze.

Short lived but still worth it.  When I went to pick up my daughter from preschool the first thing she did after smiling and waving to her teacher, as soon as the door was shut, she said where's my blankie Mom?  Mom of course had only remembered to put it in the dryer a few minutes before leaving to pick her up hoping it would be dry by the time we got home.  So I told her I washed it.  I bet all of St Louis could hear that girl scream.  I tried to explain that it was dirty and now it would smell good and be clean and hopefully dry when we got home.  Didn't care, so much yelling at me.  "I don't want it clean I want it here!"  Goooood grief.  She still yelled at me when I handed it to her and smelled good and was all nice and warm out of the dryer.  Walked up the stairs sat in the rocking chair and staring at me said, I'm hungry Mom.  Payback much?  She wouldn't accept anything I offered, Mac n Cheese, sandwich, chicken nuggets, yogurt, apple, nothing.  She did eventually eat some Ramen noodles but have mercy all over cleaning her blankie.

My husband came home early from work being that he's still not feeling all that well and I took off and went out to lunch with some friends of mine knowing a nice vent session, not just my venting misery love company right?, would be perfect.  I sure enjoyed a break from kids and home and drama, mine anyway.  Was nice to hear other people's  for a change lol.  We were saying farewell to a special gal who was moving out of the area.  Sure was fun!  We'll miss her bunches!

I wish everyone a wonderful happy day despite any misfortunes you may be undertaking at the moment.  Find that one positive thing if you can find it and take that moment for your own peaceful breath and too short time of tranquility.  Orrrrr, go take a long luxurious bubble bath and read a magazine or book that takes you away from whatever ails ya.  Good luck!