The Titleless Post

Throughout my entire life when things are murky but trudging along still at a steady pace I find contentment.  At least for a while anyways.  You don't really notice anything creeping up on you when you're in a blissful state.  In my case it's a bunch of little things that add up quickly.  Youth Conference, cubscout camp ( I'm a den leader), Young Women's Camp, Volleyball Camp, Summer Gymnastics, Basketball Camp, you get the idea.  All the forms and registration and fees and coordination.  I don't mind it really just always nervous I'm gonna miss that one thing that could ruin our summer.  Like discovering that I need to renew my passport like now if I want to visit Alberta.  Fun discovery.  Good times.  No need to panic.

I've tried so hard to be a friend, to be a good Mom, a supportive wife, to be helpful.  Sometimes it can overwhelm me but I'd rather take on a lot and feel useful than nothing and feel bored.  Lately I feel very uneasy around people.  Like they're in on it , whatever IT is and I have no idea what's going on.  We all feel that way at some point right?  But service sure makes you feel better.

I worry a lot lately about my health too.  Last night I got this... report I guess you would call it.  Laid out my medical history over the past 2 years.  All the medications I've had to take and when.  When certain blood and urine tests were done.  I had to bite my lower lip to keep from crying.  I was always relatively healthy my whole life.  I've always loved sports and try to stay active despite hardly ever losing a pound.  This of course frustrates me especially since all society will see is some overweight woman wow she must just sit there and do nothing.  Too many pieces of chocolate cake and fried chicken.  If they only knew how often and far I walk every week or how I avoid carbs almost a little bit to the extreme just avoid gaining weight.

 I love fruits and vegetables far more than junk food, fast food always makes me feel sick.  In the summer when all these fruits and vegetables are in season I can't resist binging on them a little bit.  Sometimes too much fiber lol but overall makes me feel lighter.  The heat brings a desire to drink more water.  My family will laugh at that because I drink water all day long as it is, they'll think I'm trying to drown myself if I add more.  But we're supposed to do it because it's healthy and it makes you feel good.  I'm looking forward to swimming since I love to swim but I'm sure the public will disagree when they see me in a bathing suit.

Every time I feel icky, which diabetics no matter how hard we work at it just will from time to time, I feel like all these people around me get to go out there and live their lives as healthy individuals and sometimes it hurts me.  Not because I'm not happy for them, but because I can't keep up.  The Spirit is willing but the body......tries so hard and I expect so much out of it because it's what I've always been used to.

I am so truly thankful for my family and friends that love and support me.  Not only in words but in their actions of compassion and encouragement.  That it's okay.  I'm working still, and probably always will be, on being okay with it.  That we have to roll with the punches and do the best we got with what we have.

Almost There!

It's almost the end of the school year.  The end of 5am's, taxi service, sports activities this way and that, spreading myself too thin and being so busy I can't think straight.  I am so looking forward to sleeping in ( 7am probably) and a less scheduled life including reading books from the library, swimming, camping, and vacation time.  Ahhhh it's almost summer!

With two teenagers in high school and a daughter repeating an extra year of preschool ( she started a year early at 3 years old) it has been exceptionally busy this year.   To top that off my husband, dr physicist laser boy (his official name in his mind), has been extraordinarily busy with marine systems and I became a cub scout leader in February.  Not to mention all the teen dances including prom, all the awards nights end of school banquets and graduating from preschool.  Albeit fun and adventurous it will be much deserved to play in the pool with my five year old and suntan with a book.  I look forward to having time to do projects around the house, working on our yard ( when it's not 100% humidity), and taking the kids to the mall or a movie or whatever.  Whatever we want.

I am truly thankful for this past year.  Our family has accomplished a lot looking back and hope to have more time to accomplish more personal goals and spending more time together.  I feel like I'm counting down the hours, not just the days, to the first day I get to sleep past 5 and have a day with nothing scheduled on the calendar.  More ups than downs, and it's always awesome to watch your kids grow up and discover who they are and want they want to be in life.  I know for our eldest daughter Brittany that has been a struggle this year.  She established she wants to go to college but had a really hard time determining for what!  It made her excited, scared, frustrated ( there were tears) but I think she has a handle on it now.  So far..........hmmm.......I think she said nurse?  At any rate I'm happy for her to be able to finish her senior year (2016) and take on life with a new found freedom.  ( Please don't use your freedom to do something stupid it'll freak me out)

Our son really enjoyed his Freshman year at East High despite a rough start.  He's ending on a high note ( so far finals are next week) playing his final volleyball tournament this past Saturday.  He has discovered he really loves it and wants to keep playing over the summer to improve his skills so he can come back better and stronger for next year.  I remember loving volleyball, now I just sit and cheer.  I personally made it a goal to be at every single one of his games this season, encouraging my daughters to come and join in ( I think they missed only once or twice), it was really important to me that he have that support.  Even Dad got in a few games, mostly varsity but still.

We are definitely counting down our vacation still, we desperately miss the Alberta Rocky Mountains and can't wait to get back to them ( mostly cause they smell good).  It's becoming a bit of a challenge, having pets, to find people available to help us look after them but we're working on it hopefully no kitty hotels for us ( honestly Psycho will pitch an absolute fit).  Since it'll be so hot by the time we leave we decided camping that time of year probably a bad thing ( I will melt like the wicked witch of the west it won't be pretty) although we really do love to camp so we're still debating bringing camping gear just in case.  We can't wait!  So excited!

Aiming High

It's so great to take a break from the world! ( and your kids and house)  It took us an extra 2 weeks to be able to enjoy our Anniversary but we finally got the chance and even though it was going to be short ( one overnighter), knowing that going into it made us more committed than ever to spend time together.  Talk things out that might be bothering us about family or friends or kids or even each other.  To be able to show kindnesses and affection without interruption.  It made us look at just how busy life can get and how vital our relationship is to our family.

We were all smiles and giggles the entire time.  Not always the case but seeing that we are fully capable of these happy feelings we are going to work really hard on keeping it in our daily lives.  Hand holding, kissing, hugging are already in our daily 'routine', it annoys the kids but oh well lol.  But how often do we shut and lock the door just to have a conversation without interruption?  Like never!  When we try to discuss things we are constantly distracted by our kids suddenly having questions or concerns right when we're in the middle of it and it almost always turns into a bit of an argument because in turn we will mishear each other or be annoyed with the interruptions.  So when we have important things we need to discuss and usually find a quiet corner of the house we've discovered they'll find the corner.  We need a locked bedroom door or even a drive away from the house where we can speak.  Totally worth it to be able to hear each other and keep the flow of the conversation, it goes super smoothly and we seem more considerate of each other's opinions when we can actually hear it thoroughly.  Which in turn makes us better parents because we can't get caught in a dispute in front of them making them nervous or uncomfortable.

We have learned that the distance we have felt from each other, that lonely marriage feeling, was due to our busy schedules and by the time we got home we just wanted a hot meal, maybe a little tv and sleep.  Finding time for each other was always on the back burner.  We were lucky to find that our loving relationship was easily rekindled by taking a short break from the world around us and focusing just on our relationship first. That means phones off people!  Kids can't be happy without happy parents and parents can't counsel dramatic kids if they're struggling themselves.  All it will take is committing to a date every week but we've decided at a movie you can't speak, and at a restaurant you are constantly interrupted by the waitress so we have to figure something else out.  Maybe takeout and a quiet park? In the winter we're reaaalllyyy going to have to find something!  Other than hiding in a parking lot with the heater on I can't think of anything but we have all summer to figure it out!

Just because we're happy doesn't mean our kids will always be happy but working on our happiness in our marriage creates a foundation that is stable and makes life's challenges much easier to face.  It also boosts our self confidence.  We feel better about ourselves and our capabilities as husband and wife and as parents.   We do better on our own knowing that we are working together towards common goals than we do worrying about the little things that can easily consume us.

The questions we ask ourselves can be brutal ladies!  Am I too fat/too thin?  Am I smart enough/stupid?  Does my spouse still love me?  Am I being a good parent?  Am I doing enough for the community/neighbors?  Maybe I'm not worth liking/spending time with.  Then you start answering the questions with answers like, no one really likes me I'm not worth it.  Everyone's staring at me judging me because I don't look like them.  My spouse should find someone better than me they deserve it.  My kids deserve better than I can offer.  Believe me when I say this: You are just fine!  Everyone has flaws that everyone needs to work on and it's a personal thing.  It's extremely hard to overcome those flaws if you don't first find a way to love you.  Your relationship with yourself if it's a good one will branch out to others and create good solid ground to build new relationships.

I am so grateful that I got the chance to spend that 'quality' time with my husband this weekend.  It was nice to feel joy and peace and not be bombarded by such a demanding schedule.  With this confidence boost I look forward to my exercise and feel a wonderful determination to keep going.  I know we'll still have ups and downs life is like a crazy roller coaster you never know where the twists and turns will be but I have to say at the moment it's a lot easier to take.

Profound Spiritual Realizations

It's one thing to know the scriptures, to be able to recite them at a moments notice relevant to the conversation or to have a basic understanding of their truths and meanings.  Through the power of the Holy Ghost we can receive personal witness and revelation pertaining to these truths and when He manifests a true understanding of these things they become burned in our hearts and souls never to be separated from us unless we excuse them.  I have had two seemingly simple ideas, theories, principles take on a much deeper meaning.  For some reason I feel compelled to share them.

Bear with me as explaining something that you comprehend in such a profound way is very hard to describe in words but I'll try.  The story of the prodigal son where his son wants his inheritance now and takes off despite his father asking him to stay but as a good father would accepting his son has made his choice and giving it to him.  The son then basically wastes it on parties and such when he has absolutely nothing left to his name sheepishly returns to his father's house expecting to be put in his place and hear I told you so.  But that's not what he received.  He received hugs and kisses and a feast and a party for his return home.  His father rejoiced in his return with such joy and thankfulness.  Similar to Christ speaking of the 100 sheep and one that was lost.  How much He rejoices in the return when the one is found.  The 99 sheep He didn't have to worry about quite as much they already had a testimony of Him, His existence and His teachings and they chose to follow Him.  But that one that wanders off do to unbelief, was deceived and seduced by the glamour and riches of the world or maybe endured some experience or trauma that made them think that God can't exist if there is struggle is the one He worries about the most.

As a parent and after much pondering and certain experiences recently in my own life I have such a profound understanding of just how sacred and joyous this event of the one sheep found or the son returning home is to our Father in Heaven.  He desires all of His children to be happy and to find true joy that will last eternity.  He has established families to help us be strengthened and nurtured on earth and to gain experiences that help us grow and become more like Him.  Of course having free agency we can choose for ourselves to take our inheritance and leave or to stay and labor in the fields learning what we need to, to be truly happy.  How do you describe a feeling that encompasses pure joy and love mixed with a peaceful state of happiness?  I keep struggling to find the words to explain it.  His love for his children exceeds any other emotion in this world.  It's so powerful and so real.  So sacred and beautiful.  That hope for your children to succeed and find their way home knowing that some may never return.  We are His happiness.

The second was a much better understanding of what Christ's ministry was on the earth.  I know He was here to set a perfect example to follow, to share Heavenly Father's teachings and to establish His Church here on the earth with a Presidency and twelve apostles, with Bishops and missionary work.  To establish the gospel and Priesthood authority and to introduce the sacrament and it's meaning and to change the law of Sacrifice.  To atone for the sins of the world in the Garden of Gethsemane and to overcome death to give us eternal life by becoming resurrected.  This might seem so much simpler now having pointed out a lot of big things that He did but it's a very important principle that  I understand really well now.

When watching a movie I noticed this man that they honored, respected and loved who was willing to save them from certain end and gave them hope to endure.  They would wait to get a glimpse of him when he left his house bearing gifts of whatever they had to spare and would follow him with delight and happy energy telling him they believed in him.  Then I thought that sounds like something people who followed the Savior might have done.  He didn't need the stuff, but He accepted it because He knew how much it meant to them to give it.  He didn't need the bowing or worship but accepted it as a sign of the people's love and affection for Him and for most of His followers that was all they had to offer.  He loved them so much.  So much.  What He wanted them and us to understand is that He wanted us to hear His teachings and sermons.  To ponder them, pray to better understand them.  He wants us to go forth and share them.  He desires everyone to have the opportunity to hear His teachings, His miracles, feel His love for us, believe in His name, accept His Atoning Sacrifice for us and to gain eternal life.  He set the perfect example of what He needs us to do.  To love others, to be charitable and kind.  To let people accept or reject His message according to their own free will and choice.  To partake of the Atonement and repent so that we can return to our Father in Heaven.  What He needs us to do is share these things with the world and let the world one individual at a time decide for themselves what to believe and respect their decisions to accept or reject it as He did.  All He's asking us to do who believe in His name and on Him is to try.

He never said it would be easy, He only said it would be worth it.  Go forward with faith and endure to the end with courage and patience and love.  I hope that the magnitude of what I've learned is conveyed even at all.  Like I said it's hard to describe the feelings and understandings of my heart and I'll keep trying.  I hope and pray that you will find your true happiness and return home.

Families Are a Grand Invention

I am truly grateful for my children.  I know sometimes they feel like we aren't committed to them in some way, or that we don't care about the things they care about but we do.  It's an interesting journey for us as parents as we watch our high school students navigate their way to adulthood.  It doesn't always go their way.  We all wish we could get what we want when we want it.  It's almost a blessing in disguise to have a 5 year old in the home with her occasional temper tantrums when things don't go her way.  It's annoys the heck outta the two older kids and as a result they do it sparingly if at all.  Temper tantrums I mean.

We are very committed to loving them, nurturing them, but we no longer reach out every time they fall down because we also have faith in them.  Faith that we have taught them well and that they are capable of more challenges than they realize.  We understand and I myself have a profound respect for the gift of agency.  If they mess up there are consequences they might not like to face but if we let them they learn and grow.  If they do well and succeed there are consequences there too with the rewards of blessings and knowledge and a boost to their confidence in themselves.  They might disagree still quite a bit that we don't always bail them out or agree with things they choose to do and say but they know how much we love them.  I thank God for that every day.  My children know that I love them without a shadow of a doubt.

Families are such a precious and wonderful thing.  They annoy us, steal our clothes, mess up our houses, break our stuff, hug us when we're upset, offer words of encouragement when we need a lift and many more things that we think we could do with or without but if we're honest can't live a day without and would miss the chaos.  Of course we prefer the peaceful silences I really do miss reading. I have so many books and have taken my mind on so many journeys it would be nice to do it again but life is busy.  I would miss the fighting, yes I said fighting sometimes their retorts are marvelously clever.  I would miss the mess, to an extent let's not get crazy my clean house lasts about five minutes because by the time I'm finally done they come home.  I would miss the laughter.  Hearing them in the next room watching a movie altogether on the couch or seeing them play at a camp ground or a park.  I would miss talking to them and hearing about their days and all the things that excite them as well as all the things that are troubling them.  Families are a grand invention.

Just when I think I have everything finally figured out, everyone's schedules, everyone's moods they change and I have to start all over again.  But I can feel it strengthening and changing me in the process.  A blessing that you don't always notice but it's there.  What would we be without a family?
How lonely would we tolerate our lives to become?  It's not always easy getting along.  Sometimes we do things that are unforgivable but we should always forgive.  Forgiveness does not imply giving in or enabling bad behavior.  It's a gesture of love and affection that says we understand what you did was wrong but we still love you and want the best for you.  It's hard to swallow pride, and forgive.  It's hard to forgive without an apology or some kind of acknowledgement to at least attempt to take away the hurt we can feel.  Do it anyway.

I am so eternally grateful for my husband, Nathan.  Whenever I'm flustered and want to give up he simply takes care of it in such a perfect way that I have to admire.  We don't always agree on punishments for kids but if one of us is disciplining and the other isn't home or in the room and we don't have time to discuss it, aka we blurted out a punishment, we are good to back each other up.  Enforcing is both of us and we usually discuss the blurted punishment and try to find ways to usually lessen it without taking it away completely.  Tough but we're getting pretty good at that.  I love that when he's at a loss and isn't sure what to do I have no trouble putting thoughts to action and doing what I can to fix what isn't working.  I love talking to him, sometimes he tends to like discussions more than a simple conversation albeit interesting.  I love staring at him still to this day after almost eleven years of marriage.  I love that together as far as an US is concerned we haven't changed that much and still want the same things and still work hard at our relationship.  Even if we're mad at each other over a stupid fight we just had lol.

The overall scheme of things?  Families are a grand invention.  A lot of work, but magnificent.  The rewards and laundry are endless, the pay is terrible, the jobs are difficult with little to no help from your roomates, but worth it entirely.

Why is it so hard?

Criticism for our family usually comes in waves.  It'll start with one person's comment or action to one of us and then it seems others follow and before you know it all of us are getting a heaping dose of it.  I understand that nobody's perfect, our family is aware of that.  We love spending time together.  We are outside building snowmen in the winter, playing tennis in the spring, water parks and pools in the summer and raking leaves and jumping in the piles in the fall.  We enjoy playing together and actually have to work very hard to make the time to do that.  It almost takes priority on weekends so that all of us have some release from work and school.  My favorite time of the week!

The last few days have been outstandingly beautiful here in St Louis and it's impossible to stay inside!  There's been bike riding, trampoline jumping, we set up a badminton/volleyball net in our back yard recently, we've played tennis a few times already and for long hours at a time ( we never wanna stop lol) and park trips in the afternoons for our five year old as often as weather permits.  We took advantage of the annual jump jump pass at Kokomo Joe's, any rainy day our hours are spent playing indoors, meeting new friends.

We try to make it to church every Sunday, health permitting.  Hahaha first one by one we had a cold, then we all got the stomach flu, then we all got another cold with different symptoms and now we're doing pretty good so we're anxious to be active which I love because I definitely need it.  Cold weather makes you feel all cooped up and you feel like you're gonna burst when that first warm day, that tease of Spring comes!  That was a great day!  Followed by sleet and snow the next few days lol.
I love opening all my windows and getting the stuffy winter air out, especially with all these colds jeepers.  I actually love attending church and feel disappointed when I never get to go.  Bugs me.  I like the peace I can find, how it challenges me to think and grow.  Wonderful feeling.

I feel uncomfortable lately around people that I felt so comfortable around and for the life of me I can't figure out why.  It's almost like I'm not allowed to be myself.  I don't go out of my way to be abrasive, or rude in any way.  I love to help out.  I love to smile at people that look like they need a smile, and hug people who look like they need a hug.  I love to feel inspired and encouraged to study the world around me and take it all in.  But lately I just feel so uncomfortable.

Why is it so hard to just be yourself and accept that some people will always choose to misunderstand you no matter what you say or do?  Offering judgments and criticisms that might have nothing to do with what's even going on in your life.  I don't get it.  It's hard not to do it, we all work hard not to in this family especially with each other.  It's hard to have it happen to you when some easily take you out of context.  I'm trying to understand.  Trying to not be that way myself, avoid negativity and drama.  Am I missing something?

Basketball in a life lesson

I come from a small Mormon town called Magrath in sunny Southern Alberta.  From the time you can hold a ball you learn three things, how to dribble it, how to shoot it through a hoop and to fight for it if someone tries to take it from you.  That's right I'm talking about our staple game of basketball.  Not that baseball and softball and soccer aren't our thing too.  And of course hockey.

I had the opportunity to watch my daughter play basketball these past few months and they had a very intense game this morning in their tournament.  You could see the aggression and effort.  You could see their frustration with themselves when they made some mistakes, so adorable for the record by the way.  All the parents can really do is cheer them on.  We yell things out like defense or rebounds or hustle but what I really noticed is they just wanted fans in the stands supporting and encouraging them no matter what.  The laughs and smiles and team effort was commendable and it was nice to see them work so hard together along with self determination to win the game.

I've been playing basketball competitively since I was about 10 years old, grade 5.  There was a small handful of us that were allowed to play on the grade 6 team early because the coach saw natural talent and wanted to invite us to nurture and develop it.  I miss him terribly as a coach, as a teacher and as a member of the community, Mr Burns Alston.  He instilled a passion for the game in all of us that carried with us a long time.  His number one priority was your overall endurance, he and wife loved running so naturally he wanted us to become better at it and build up our endurance because let's face it you can't take a good shot or dribble the ball well if you're always winded.  I thank him for that lesson because it didn't just apply to ball it applied to life.

You can't always sit on the sidelines you have to get in the game, no one can force you, no one can do it for you.  You are the only one that can live your own life.  Waiting is contrary to the point of life.  Not that you shouldn't be patient for things but work hard to prepare yourself for them in the meantime.  Do everything you can so when your called into the game you know what your doing or should be doing and you'll be able to develop experience quickly and more efficiently.  Trials and challenges won't seem as hard if you are prepared to meet them.

Also, always and I mean always cheer each other on!  Always!  Just because you're taking a time out from something and see someone else excelling at it doesn't mean you become jealous or wroth or judgmental.  You encourage them, you cheer them on and be happy for their successes.  Love others no matter what.  In the end your relationship with yourself and your relationship with God will be the two most important things you will ever develop and experience in this lifetime and how you form them and treat them will greatly affect the outcome of your eternity.  It's really hard to live with yourself when you're angry or hold a grudge or put yourself down.  Find a way to be lifted, find what works for you and like I said just a few sentences ago always cheer each other on.