It occurs to me today something very remarkable and personal to me. Something that never occurred to me before and something so impactful it actually changes a lot of who I am.
Years and years ago, in a land far far away, something very bad happened to me. More than once. As a result the survival side of my humanity took over and I grabbed the reigns of my life and took control. I was forced into it. I had to, to get through it. But what I never realized until now, is that not only should I never had had to take those reigns at such a young age but that my parents were robbed of their right to parent me at such a young age as a result. It was circumstance and unavoidable. When I say reigns I speak not of my ability or freedom of choice but the right to be guided.
If any of this had been offered to me in thought or whisper before now I would have simply scoffed. Lack of understanding and humility would have made me unteachable and unreasonable on this idea. But today it hit home in a big way. All this time I thought I was the only one that went through all of this. Thankyou, Lord, for opening my mind. To my loving parents, it's true you were robbed in some ways but not in others and circumstance probably skewed your own understanding of just how to parent me at such a young age. You did great! No guilt. No regrets.
As a result trust has been an impossibility for me for so many years. I literally tremble and shake at the very thought of handing over the reigns to anyone. But because of faith and endurance even when I'd rather give up ( selfish act to give up ), I heal. I could never do it alone and have had many individuals help me along the way with great words of wisdom and what I'll call character building through incredible adversity. I have been guided by many and although I'm still afraid and probably always will be of following the wrong person into the shadows of this path we call life, I continue on with hope in my heart and a smile on my face looking forward to tomorrows.
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