I can totally admit to being a reformed control freak! When I was a single mother of two small children I was always on the offensive. Attack problems immediately and with great force so as to not have to 'deal with it later' or feel as though I'm being controlled in a world I am powerless in. Big mistaaaaaake. As a result I found myself not trusting anyone else's judgement in regards to my child's safety or well being at all. I hardly left a babysitter in charge because they were just going to ignore my kids and talk on the phone the whole time, unfortunately that did happen once broken glass all over my children's room from breaking Christmas lights they got into and they were starving so not cool. As for relationships, I would never walk in whole heartedly even if I knew them well. Always keeping one foot in the door to escape. Like I said, big mistake!
Here's where some of you having read the first paragraph wonder what's wrong with that I'm just protecting myself and my kids. Are you? Or are you simply projecting all of your fears from previous experiences onto your children? Are you really saying I'm just protecting my kids from what happened to me happening to them? Hard letting go. Very hard. However hard, it's also vital. You must let go of it, work through it out loud with those you trust who will listen without criticism, judgement, or even advice. You need a backboard to get this out of you so you can see what others around you who love you see. However big or small the problem is at the time.
It's a scary thought to take all the things that may have happened to you and project them onto your children. Those things may never come close to happening to them. When things do happen to them do you have a tendency to immediately draw from your own bad memories assuming it's the same for them? Please don't do that. They aren't you and see the world differently, as an individual. Depending on the age shouldn't we allow our children to solve their issues for themselves? We should be there to guide it and it's completely okay to have expectations on the table so they are aware of what you know about the situation and how you would prefer they handle it. Nothing wrong with spitting ideas in an approach of well maybe you could try this. Thin line between spitting ideas with expectations on the table and doing it for them.
Over the years, having remarried to an oh so patient husband, it's been easy to let it go. Took work though lots of issues from my own past I had to work through. I took one step at a time and did what I could and when I caught myself being a control freak or overbearing about a situation I would pull back and bite my tongue. I had such a sore swollen tongue! Felt like I would never be able to breathe again I held on so tightly. Really tightly, it's a wonder they didn't suffocate lol. But I am capable of change so I did.
The most impressive thought that ever pops into my head when I relive old haunts is very simple. You turned out okay. I'm still alive, I had hardships, I learned how to get a better read on people and I'm definitely not afraid to walk away. Makes me sad sometimes but occasionally it's simply the best option for all involved. I have learned to allow my brain to mull over it a few times decide if anything could have been done differently, make a note to be careful of anything I noticed that I would and then I let it go, I walk away from it, I move forward and keep my eyes in front of me. Good heavens can you imagine what would happen to you if you didn't? You'd always be angry. You'd always be offended. You would always be hurt and feel stuck and resentful. That's not life, that's a slow way to torture yourself before you die.
I believe that love and patience are beautiful gifts, abilities and tools. Not every situation will turn out like you had hoped but don't underestimate the power of example. Your example to your families is important to their daily lives and they need to see that when you fall you are not afraid to get back up again and carry on with dignity. They need to know that you trust them to make decisions and that you are in control of yours. Not in an abrasive way, in a loving, kind and peaceful nature. When they see you take on life's challenges in a smart way, so will they. Then as they get older confrontations will be easier for them. Easy for them to forgive and move on to the next thing in life. Easy for them to see their burdens in life as a simple challenge or puzzle that they have to figure out and learn from so that they can become strong.
Life cannot be controlled but it can be guided. You can master your own life but not the lives of others. The world is getting tougher on us all. Strengthen your families the best you can and prepare them through education and positive influence. Take a deep breath when you feel overwhelmed and start again tomorrow. You can do this. You got this.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Family
Isn't family the greatest? Well and sometimes the worst? I really love my family. We aren't perfect by any means but we try hard. Sometimes we fall short in every category but there's love there. To me that's the best start and foundation a family could ever have. I feel so lucky and blessed to have this opportunity in my life to have children and see them develop and grow, wondering all the while what it must have been like for my own parents. I find true joy in watching them learn and grow, changing week to week sometimes even day to day.
It's so hard raising children in today's society. There are so many choices and so many distractions. Lots of paths to choose from on their journey of life and lots of pitfalls to confuse, taunt and knock them on their backsides. Is it weird that I enjoy watching my children work through their own problems? Yup I said the word enjoy. It's so amazing to me how smart they are. You can see them think carefully about things and when they are talking to me about it you can actually hear them working it out you're just the backboard they needed to rebound off of. Sometimes I think that they are living beyond their years, not necessarily by choice but almost forced into it by the world. The world thinks that speed is the most important thing, but to it's own detriment.
I tell my children all the time, you are a child and I will fight for that. You have plenty of time to grow up so take your time doing it. Whenever my children rush on a test, skim reading I call it, they always get a lesser grade than if they had taken just a little more time to carefully think about it. Doesn't mean they have to be slow just careful. I think growing up should be addressed with the same approach. Take a little bit more time to think carefully about everything that you're doing. Take a little more time to think about where you want to end up and all the ways that you might be able to get there. Make educated decisions about your future not rash dreams that I hate to say can become quite unrealistic. Encourage others around you to do the same and be a good example living your own life in a way that you can be proud of and that others can benefit from.
I want my kids to savor the moment. Enjoy what's in front of them and let go of what they might have messed up on. Too many times when we are adults we carry our mistakes with us and hinder our own futures. What purpose does that serve? If we rush through life we are more likely not only make mistakes once but the same mistakes over and over again. Yes, taking our time to stop and think is never a bad thing. You only get one life to live. So live it. Live it to the best of your abilities and enjoy the ride. What's the point of taking it if you don't find joy in it.
I love watching our youngest who is 2 1/2 explore the world around her. No worries, fearless, everything is exciting, although the attention span needs more work but that will come with time. Patience is definitely not in a toddler's vocabulary. Her expressions when she discovers something new, as if she lights up, it's amazing to me to watch. We have started reasoning with her a little more when we see her understanding of why. I love hearing her conversations grow. The older she gets and more she interacts with others the more she makes sense. It's not jibber jabber as much anymore. She's an amazingly intelligent little girl quick and eager to learn and grow. I feel honored to be a part of it. She takes her time and to look and listen carefully to everything around her. As a result she learns it faster and has a deeper understanding of it.
I really, from the bottom of my soul, deeply love my husband. He's the perfect balance for me. Where he falls short he looks to me and me the same with him. I've never had such balance before and it's funny when I am stressed about life he isn't and when he is I'm not. We alternate this great calm feeling between us taking turns to worry like a see saw. I love talking with him about anything, we can talk about everything no tippy toes. We are both the kind of people that are eager to learn new things and challenge everything around us to form our own opinions and it's so great to be able to disagree and have that respect for what each other has said. I love his kindness towards me. It exceeds expectations. He's my rock. I love him more and more everyday. Sickening lol.
Families are awesome. What a blessing. Even in family fights and embarrassing stories that your kids tell to perfect strangers that make you blush, I love it all. It's wonderful. No wonder it's the one thing that's hardest to maintain and worth fighting the most for. Best thing on earth.
What's your family like?
It's so hard raising children in today's society. There are so many choices and so many distractions. Lots of paths to choose from on their journey of life and lots of pitfalls to confuse, taunt and knock them on their backsides. Is it weird that I enjoy watching my children work through their own problems? Yup I said the word enjoy. It's so amazing to me how smart they are. You can see them think carefully about things and when they are talking to me about it you can actually hear them working it out you're just the backboard they needed to rebound off of. Sometimes I think that they are living beyond their years, not necessarily by choice but almost forced into it by the world. The world thinks that speed is the most important thing, but to it's own detriment.
I tell my children all the time, you are a child and I will fight for that. You have plenty of time to grow up so take your time doing it. Whenever my children rush on a test, skim reading I call it, they always get a lesser grade than if they had taken just a little more time to carefully think about it. Doesn't mean they have to be slow just careful. I think growing up should be addressed with the same approach. Take a little bit more time to think carefully about everything that you're doing. Take a little more time to think about where you want to end up and all the ways that you might be able to get there. Make educated decisions about your future not rash dreams that I hate to say can become quite unrealistic. Encourage others around you to do the same and be a good example living your own life in a way that you can be proud of and that others can benefit from.
I want my kids to savor the moment. Enjoy what's in front of them and let go of what they might have messed up on. Too many times when we are adults we carry our mistakes with us and hinder our own futures. What purpose does that serve? If we rush through life we are more likely not only make mistakes once but the same mistakes over and over again. Yes, taking our time to stop and think is never a bad thing. You only get one life to live. So live it. Live it to the best of your abilities and enjoy the ride. What's the point of taking it if you don't find joy in it.
I love watching our youngest who is 2 1/2 explore the world around her. No worries, fearless, everything is exciting, although the attention span needs more work but that will come with time. Patience is definitely not in a toddler's vocabulary. Her expressions when she discovers something new, as if she lights up, it's amazing to me to watch. We have started reasoning with her a little more when we see her understanding of why. I love hearing her conversations grow. The older she gets and more she interacts with others the more she makes sense. It's not jibber jabber as much anymore. She's an amazingly intelligent little girl quick and eager to learn and grow. I feel honored to be a part of it. She takes her time and to look and listen carefully to everything around her. As a result she learns it faster and has a deeper understanding of it.
I really, from the bottom of my soul, deeply love my husband. He's the perfect balance for me. Where he falls short he looks to me and me the same with him. I've never had such balance before and it's funny when I am stressed about life he isn't and when he is I'm not. We alternate this great calm feeling between us taking turns to worry like a see saw. I love talking with him about anything, we can talk about everything no tippy toes. We are both the kind of people that are eager to learn new things and challenge everything around us to form our own opinions and it's so great to be able to disagree and have that respect for what each other has said. I love his kindness towards me. It exceeds expectations. He's my rock. I love him more and more everyday. Sickening lol.
Families are awesome. What a blessing. Even in family fights and embarrassing stories that your kids tell to perfect strangers that make you blush, I love it all. It's wonderful. No wonder it's the one thing that's hardest to maintain and worth fighting the most for. Best thing on earth.
What's your family like?
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
What Can I do For You?
I really and truly detest when someone I love is going through, well, anything unpleasant. That feeling of helplessness when you honestly cannot help though you wish with all your heart you could. What really bugs me though, is when I have tons to offer you that can benefit you and make life a little happier and a little easier for you or simply offer to do whatever you need from me and you say, "Oh I'll think about it" and NEVER get back to me.*dirty look here* Is it that you're afraid I'll judge you or tell everyone,'Wow you should SEE their house it's a complete disaster area so filthy' or think to myself something like, 'This person is completely crazy what am I doing here?'.
First of all, I cannot help but laugh my head off if you really do think I would do that lol, secondly I'm not like that. The best way for us to forget our own emotional and spiritual struggles in life is to serve others. If you are physically struggling all the more reason to accept the help. Don't sit there one minute telling me how hard your life is and then refuse any help to better it in any way. Don't be a martyr. ( definition #3: victim : a constant sufferer) I absolutely love that expression pull up your big girl panties and let's go. Nothing like a little humor to help us in day to day, sometimes a little overly mundane life. Humor in the worst of circumstances isn't necessarily rude, it's human. We are fragile, we need laughter to keep going.
I have several people in my life who I love deeply. One in particular that I am very close to has been struggling for quite some time now and especially in the last couple of months. I ache to help, to do anything, sometimes even just the offer lightens a load. A good joke can go a long way, as long as it's tactfully done. Even a smile or a quick I love you, by the way please don't be afraid to say I love you to your friends they need you to, can make a huge difference from one day to the next. I on my own only have my heart, my hands, my shoulder, a kleenex box somewhere in my room, a phone ( call me ), my instincts and experience, and my knees as my best tools. When I have exhausted the hands and shoulder and experience, my phone is broken and the tissue box is empty my knees never fail me. Never.
Trust me, I pray for you all the time. All of you. Everyone. I don't have to meet you, know you that well, or even like you that much or agree with you. But I will always pray for you. Most powerful tool I know because you see, God knows you well, He's met you and He loves you completely and when you refuse my help, or your neighbor's, or your family's, He can and will find a way to take care of it.
That said there is always a flip side of the coin isn't there? YOU have to do everything in your power to change or repair what isn't working for you. You have to show an effort that you value your life and your blessings. You have to respect what you have vs the have nots and truly appreciate who you are. All your quarks are there to lighten the mood, put a smile on someone's face, and test you. Fixing and strengthening weaknesses is awesome and takes time so give yourself some. In the meantime can you please accept help? Accept those all around you who offer to do whatever they can for you. Stop telling yourself you have to do everything or can do everything on your own. That's not our creation. We were always meant to lean on each other for help to lift each other up and carry on together.
To those who know how much I love them and all of you who don't, what can I do to help you?
First of all, I cannot help but laugh my head off if you really do think I would do that lol, secondly I'm not like that. The best way for us to forget our own emotional and spiritual struggles in life is to serve others. If you are physically struggling all the more reason to accept the help. Don't sit there one minute telling me how hard your life is and then refuse any help to better it in any way. Don't be a martyr. ( definition #3: victim : a constant sufferer) I absolutely love that expression pull up your big girl panties and let's go. Nothing like a little humor to help us in day to day, sometimes a little overly mundane life. Humor in the worst of circumstances isn't necessarily rude, it's human. We are fragile, we need laughter to keep going.
I have several people in my life who I love deeply. One in particular that I am very close to has been struggling for quite some time now and especially in the last couple of months. I ache to help, to do anything, sometimes even just the offer lightens a load. A good joke can go a long way, as long as it's tactfully done. Even a smile or a quick I love you, by the way please don't be afraid to say I love you to your friends they need you to, can make a huge difference from one day to the next. I on my own only have my heart, my hands, my shoulder, a kleenex box somewhere in my room, a phone ( call me ), my instincts and experience, and my knees as my best tools. When I have exhausted the hands and shoulder and experience, my phone is broken and the tissue box is empty my knees never fail me. Never.
Trust me, I pray for you all the time. All of you. Everyone. I don't have to meet you, know you that well, or even like you that much or agree with you. But I will always pray for you. Most powerful tool I know because you see, God knows you well, He's met you and He loves you completely and when you refuse my help, or your neighbor's, or your family's, He can and will find a way to take care of it.
That said there is always a flip side of the coin isn't there? YOU have to do everything in your power to change or repair what isn't working for you. You have to show an effort that you value your life and your blessings. You have to respect what you have vs the have nots and truly appreciate who you are. All your quarks are there to lighten the mood, put a smile on someone's face, and test you. Fixing and strengthening weaknesses is awesome and takes time so give yourself some. In the meantime can you please accept help? Accept those all around you who offer to do whatever they can for you. Stop telling yourself you have to do everything or can do everything on your own. That's not our creation. We were always meant to lean on each other for help to lift each other up and carry on together.
To those who know how much I love them and all of you who don't, what can I do to help you?
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
The idea of "Social Acceptance"
Clearly everyone wants to fit in. But what is "fitting in" exactly? For some it's to be one of the 'cool kids' and I'm sorry to say this but there are adults out there decades out of high school that are still trying to 'fit in' with the 'cool kids'. Usually people who are socially accepted are there because they have created their own reality of what's right and wrong, hot or not and have found others who accepted their ideas and opinions as reality and in agreement make them the cat's meow.
For example, in light of the forthcoming election the candidates you see are no exception. They have their own ideas and opinions and present them to the country as their versions of reality. But who's is better? The media nudges that and of course truly helps keep the 'popular kid' up front and center feeding them to the nation saying this is socially acceptable you can trust this person. I'm not saying that either candidate is a liar or telling the perfect truth but I am saying that there are many ways to answer a question directed at you head on without letting on the whole truth leaving key things out that could offend or detour you from their primary objective. They want your vote. To get your vote they need to be the most accepted (popular) and share the majority of opinions in the nation. They need to be the rock star.
Throughout my own high school experience I was often puzzled at what the 'cool kids' thought was cool to begin with. Almost like a popular fairy tale and they were the characters. In reality no one person was more or less interesting than the next. You just believed in this fairy tale that certain individuals were not even worth the time, a waste of effort. I myself unfortunately looking back did the same to several individuals and for that I'm completely sorry. Even in college there were the acceptable kids that would look at me in shock and horror if I spoke with whomever I pleased and 'hung out' with certain individuals they would consider lowly. Never cared.
For some reason as an adult I find that the plight and horrors of high school drama have not completely left the minds of the adults they've raised. Too often even now and at this age, when I have experienced plenty of life to know better so I assume they should too, I see cliques formed. The 'elite' based on their own individual criteria of what's cool and what's acceptable. How to look, how to act, what to wear, how to do your makeup, what your house looks like, who has the better job, who has the most important calling at church. Pathetic really. It's childish games that prove no winner in the end. "...almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose,... will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion."(D&C 129:31). Very worry some. I call it hiding from the reality.
The real world is hard it tosses you like the sea in a storm up against any jagged rock it can find, shredding your confidence and determination to continue on and filling you with fear. Ignore it. It's nothing more than a tool and if you learn how to use it, well then I guess, you learn. You grow. You create new ways to conquer it. You discover it's weaknesses and study it more heartily. You know the rules, they've been around for centuries. Using them to your advantage takes courage and sure footing. A solid foundation filled with trust and truths that cannot be displaced under any circumstances. Reality.
It is better for you to march to your own drum, do your own thing, find your own way, have the courage to be who you are. You don't have to break rules to be happy. Boundaries are not a trick or a burden but a necessity to your happiness continuing on. Fearing what others may say or do is no way to live. Having no opinion at all is far worse than sharing yours with others regardless of their labeling.
"The only way to escape the illusion of social acceptance is to make sure you're not a part of it. A person who is concerned only with the truth of reality, is the teenager at school who dress in any clothes he/she likes and forms his/her own opinion regardless what other people think. That person will promote leadership instead of decisions founded upon trends. That person will be a major threat to all people who follow social acceptance, because it takes a lot of courage today to be yourself, but once you reach that goal, a whole new world will open up before you. No more social pressure will keep you down. Instead, you will focus on what's important to your life and let the truth of reality guide you into a better, truly liberated tomorrow."
Read more: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_do_you_be_socially_accepted#ixzz28pjZTlqS
As an adult I have a responsibility to be a better example to my kids. To encourage them to find their own way in life but within reason. Presenting boundaries to them that they will understand completely once they have left our home to be out in the world on their own. Ones of protection, truth, and happiness. To teach them tolerance and patience with others around them who many have been misinformed by these socially accepted ideas that are causing harm to our society already and will continue to do so. I hope and pray that they can become strong, righteous participants of this world. One nation does not a world make but a tiny fraction of real existence. Hopefully I will have the opportunity to help them further educate themselves and be who they need to become. Hopefully I will make the same journey.
For example, in light of the forthcoming election the candidates you see are no exception. They have their own ideas and opinions and present them to the country as their versions of reality. But who's is better? The media nudges that and of course truly helps keep the 'popular kid' up front and center feeding them to the nation saying this is socially acceptable you can trust this person. I'm not saying that either candidate is a liar or telling the perfect truth but I am saying that there are many ways to answer a question directed at you head on without letting on the whole truth leaving key things out that could offend or detour you from their primary objective. They want your vote. To get your vote they need to be the most accepted (popular) and share the majority of opinions in the nation. They need to be the rock star.
Throughout my own high school experience I was often puzzled at what the 'cool kids' thought was cool to begin with. Almost like a popular fairy tale and they were the characters. In reality no one person was more or less interesting than the next. You just believed in this fairy tale that certain individuals were not even worth the time, a waste of effort. I myself unfortunately looking back did the same to several individuals and for that I'm completely sorry. Even in college there were the acceptable kids that would look at me in shock and horror if I spoke with whomever I pleased and 'hung out' with certain individuals they would consider lowly. Never cared.
For some reason as an adult I find that the plight and horrors of high school drama have not completely left the minds of the adults they've raised. Too often even now and at this age, when I have experienced plenty of life to know better so I assume they should too, I see cliques formed. The 'elite' based on their own individual criteria of what's cool and what's acceptable. How to look, how to act, what to wear, how to do your makeup, what your house looks like, who has the better job, who has the most important calling at church. Pathetic really. It's childish games that prove no winner in the end. "...almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose,... will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion."(D&C 129:31). Very worry some. I call it hiding from the reality.
The real world is hard it tosses you like the sea in a storm up against any jagged rock it can find, shredding your confidence and determination to continue on and filling you with fear. Ignore it. It's nothing more than a tool and if you learn how to use it, well then I guess, you learn. You grow. You create new ways to conquer it. You discover it's weaknesses and study it more heartily. You know the rules, they've been around for centuries. Using them to your advantage takes courage and sure footing. A solid foundation filled with trust and truths that cannot be displaced under any circumstances. Reality.
It is better for you to march to your own drum, do your own thing, find your own way, have the courage to be who you are. You don't have to break rules to be happy. Boundaries are not a trick or a burden but a necessity to your happiness continuing on. Fearing what others may say or do is no way to live. Having no opinion at all is far worse than sharing yours with others regardless of their labeling.
"The only way to escape the illusion of social acceptance is to make sure you're not a part of it. A person who is concerned only with the truth of reality, is the teenager at school who dress in any clothes he/she likes and forms his/her own opinion regardless what other people think. That person will promote leadership instead of decisions founded upon trends. That person will be a major threat to all people who follow social acceptance, because it takes a lot of courage today to be yourself, but once you reach that goal, a whole new world will open up before you. No more social pressure will keep you down. Instead, you will focus on what's important to your life and let the truth of reality guide you into a better, truly liberated tomorrow."
Read more: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_do_you_be_socially_accepted#ixzz28pjZTlqS
As an adult I have a responsibility to be a better example to my kids. To encourage them to find their own way in life but within reason. Presenting boundaries to them that they will understand completely once they have left our home to be out in the world on their own. Ones of protection, truth, and happiness. To teach them tolerance and patience with others around them who many have been misinformed by these socially accepted ideas that are causing harm to our society already and will continue to do so. I hope and pray that they can become strong, righteous participants of this world. One nation does not a world make but a tiny fraction of real existence. Hopefully I will have the opportunity to help them further educate themselves and be who they need to become. Hopefully I will make the same journey.
Stuck
I feel...stuck. I hate when that happens 'cause ya see, I am a always keep moving forward kind of person. I feel although I try really hard to commit to things, there are so many distractions in life making it impossible to concentrate on what's really important. I really appreciate the glimpses I get of making progress they fill my heart with joy. I like that expression, try again tomorrow. I can let go of what didn't get done and didn't go right today and leave it behind me so that I'm free to keep going. Easier said than done though, I FEEL stuck.
Yesterday I had a wonderful glimpse. My husband and I went out for a walk in the fall air, fall is my favorite season. It made me realize that I love spending time alone with him and this might be a most valuable asset us walking in the evening once in a while. I still want to have opportunities to walk with others as well. Change the conversation a bit. But I really enjoyed that. I'm walking for both exercise yes, but lately and mostly stress relief. Being at home or carting around a 2 year old is wearing and to have that chance to allow the stress to melt off my shoulders is heavenly. Easier to think clearly and say what you mean instead of fumbling for the words. I needed that.
Sometimes it's a guilt thing that I can't be everything to everyone. My physical body just doesn't allow it. Despite what my spirit wishes. But I try. That is one of the most comforting things I've discovered in life, trying your best and knowing that you are doing everything you can without driving yourself to an early grave is enough. Hopefully those old pangs of you can do better than this and comparing myself to my younger self with subside with time. I know it will lol. As we grow older we do in fact get wiser and realize we are no longer invincible. It sucks! Hate it but making my peace with it lol.
My health issues really do take a toll on my abilities to accomplish things. This time last year I could still function lol. Now I feel as though I'm in this body that isn't mine. It aches more than it did a year ago for no apparent reason. Before it was because I was playing bball or tennis with my family. Maybe because I raked the whole yard etc. Not because I woke up and walked around the house for 5 minutes. Takes some adjusting. I'm keeping to that original doctor's advice. Walking cures everything from diabetes to heart disease to stress. Thus the walking every evening. I did try during the mornings but who are we kidding here? In the morning I wake up with my eyes sewn shut and feeling like I'm stepping onto a tight rope. Evenings are better. Hopefully, this doctor is right.
I feel totally inadequate around my kids lately as well. They are simply in a word arrogant. If I ask for an explanation pertaining to something at school I'm stupid for not knowing all of the school's policies from memory, which I don't have much of one anymore, and get chastised. I even get told how it should be like they're my parents. ( stop laughing mom ) It's gotten to the point that on a bad day I'll cry and say why are you so mean? On a good day I'll laugh my head off and call them ignorant. On a normal, if you can call it that, day I simply ignore them and move on. I like the normal days the best, don't you? Then I don't feel stupid for getting upset in front of them or guilty for putting them in their place. Although teenagers need that on occasion I suppose. Reminders here and there that they are not kings and queens of the universe yet, they are here to learn how to become that and you can't learn by teaching what you don't know can you?
There's my loop. My circle. It just goes round and round. I need more glimpses of new and special things. I like them.
Yesterday I had a wonderful glimpse. My husband and I went out for a walk in the fall air, fall is my favorite season. It made me realize that I love spending time alone with him and this might be a most valuable asset us walking in the evening once in a while. I still want to have opportunities to walk with others as well. Change the conversation a bit. But I really enjoyed that. I'm walking for both exercise yes, but lately and mostly stress relief. Being at home or carting around a 2 year old is wearing and to have that chance to allow the stress to melt off my shoulders is heavenly. Easier to think clearly and say what you mean instead of fumbling for the words. I needed that.
Sometimes it's a guilt thing that I can't be everything to everyone. My physical body just doesn't allow it. Despite what my spirit wishes. But I try. That is one of the most comforting things I've discovered in life, trying your best and knowing that you are doing everything you can without driving yourself to an early grave is enough. Hopefully those old pangs of you can do better than this and comparing myself to my younger self with subside with time. I know it will lol. As we grow older we do in fact get wiser and realize we are no longer invincible. It sucks! Hate it but making my peace with it lol.
My health issues really do take a toll on my abilities to accomplish things. This time last year I could still function lol. Now I feel as though I'm in this body that isn't mine. It aches more than it did a year ago for no apparent reason. Before it was because I was playing bball or tennis with my family. Maybe because I raked the whole yard etc. Not because I woke up and walked around the house for 5 minutes. Takes some adjusting. I'm keeping to that original doctor's advice. Walking cures everything from diabetes to heart disease to stress. Thus the walking every evening. I did try during the mornings but who are we kidding here? In the morning I wake up with my eyes sewn shut and feeling like I'm stepping onto a tight rope. Evenings are better. Hopefully, this doctor is right.
I feel totally inadequate around my kids lately as well. They are simply in a word arrogant. If I ask for an explanation pertaining to something at school I'm stupid for not knowing all of the school's policies from memory, which I don't have much of one anymore, and get chastised. I even get told how it should be like they're my parents. ( stop laughing mom ) It's gotten to the point that on a bad day I'll cry and say why are you so mean? On a good day I'll laugh my head off and call them ignorant. On a normal, if you can call it that, day I simply ignore them and move on. I like the normal days the best, don't you? Then I don't feel stupid for getting upset in front of them or guilty for putting them in their place. Although teenagers need that on occasion I suppose. Reminders here and there that they are not kings and queens of the universe yet, they are here to learn how to become that and you can't learn by teaching what you don't know can you?
There's my loop. My circle. It just goes round and round. I need more glimpses of new and special things. I like them.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
So Personal but What the Hay..
They say with hypothyroidism you get certain symptoms. Fatigue, lack of appetite, feeling sluggish, coarse hair, depression, muscle aches and swelling. I totally knew what I was getting into I researched it to death when they told me I had hyperthyroidism and needed to slow down my thyroid causing me to head in the opposite direction.
The weight gain was imminent and impossible to stop regardless of how many salads I ate or how much I spent time on my treadmill or playing sports with my family. As a result of the radioactive iodine therapy I lost about 70% of my hair leaving the back of my head in particular with a gaping hole that I had to use longer strands to comb over and wore my hair up a lot as a result. Lots of fatigue and cloudy thinking and memory.
I have started growing my hair back and it's thickening. I finally went to the hair dresser for the first time in a year, didn't want anyone to touch my hair it was so fragile, and took the time to not only listen to me about what was going on with me and my hair but to carefully discuss how to fix it and cutting it a certain way to hide the thinning in the back. She's wonderful. My hair feels awesome. The shortest it's been in years but it looks so much better now that I have it styled so I can wear it down. She even put notes on the computer so if I ever come back and she's not there the hairdressers will know what I'm going through and to be careful with my hair. Seems dumb to some people but when people are gently and careful with my I am so appreciative. It actually got to the point about 4-5 months ago when I was balling from the loss of my hair and my prayers went something like..'I know I have hair still and it could be worse but I am a girl and as girlie as this sounds Heavenly Father and I know I'm not usually I need my hair'. Prayers answered it started thickening after that. I'll take it!
Loss of appetite comes and goes weight now that my medication is finally sorted out is slowly going back down, thank heavens. I am starting to feel like a ball more than a person. Muscles aches is a new one for me. Some of them are mild but some are down right painful. I can either live on pain meds, which I hate to take unless I have to I've always been that way, or I can endure it. So far I've been enduring but let me tell you, it isn't that easy. I get woken up about 3-4 times a night from some pain or other and that makes it hard to get any deep sleep which plays right into the fatigue that I already have now doesn't it. I can see it now, 'Here lies the walking zombie of a wife and mother we're not really sure if she's gone or not'. But I cope and I do my very best whatever I can muster, taking one day at a time.
I think though, and this is the very personal part, that I might be sadder than I usually am. So far it's so easy to pick myself back up or be picked back up so that's good. But still, I can't not look at all the crap happening around me now and not feel more sympathy for it. Sounds like a good thing but I don't think so. I had a nice balance where I cared but I accepted that everyone makes their own choices and some things just plain happen lately it's more like protective in a way. That poor child or that poor family etc.
I've also started analyzing my own family, eek!, which is never a good thing to do because you are likely not only to compare everyone to yourself but to judge how you did things vs how they do things. I don't want that kind of arrogance everyone is different. But still. There it is in my mind swimming around all the time. That is on the days that I can think straight. To be honest with you the cloudy mind thing I kind of like. Makes it easier to forget the things I need to. And there are plenty of people around me to remind me of the things I do.
I really hope that this heavy heart will improve with time. I am trying to do small things that make me happy for myself but let's face it, it's nice when your family and friends do nice things for you too. Here's to coping and keeping up the fight for a better life. Cheers!
The weight gain was imminent and impossible to stop regardless of how many salads I ate or how much I spent time on my treadmill or playing sports with my family. As a result of the radioactive iodine therapy I lost about 70% of my hair leaving the back of my head in particular with a gaping hole that I had to use longer strands to comb over and wore my hair up a lot as a result. Lots of fatigue and cloudy thinking and memory.
I have started growing my hair back and it's thickening. I finally went to the hair dresser for the first time in a year, didn't want anyone to touch my hair it was so fragile, and took the time to not only listen to me about what was going on with me and my hair but to carefully discuss how to fix it and cutting it a certain way to hide the thinning in the back. She's wonderful. My hair feels awesome. The shortest it's been in years but it looks so much better now that I have it styled so I can wear it down. She even put notes on the computer so if I ever come back and she's not there the hairdressers will know what I'm going through and to be careful with my hair. Seems dumb to some people but when people are gently and careful with my I am so appreciative. It actually got to the point about 4-5 months ago when I was balling from the loss of my hair and my prayers went something like..'I know I have hair still and it could be worse but I am a girl and as girlie as this sounds Heavenly Father and I know I'm not usually I need my hair'. Prayers answered it started thickening after that. I'll take it!
Loss of appetite comes and goes weight now that my medication is finally sorted out is slowly going back down, thank heavens. I am starting to feel like a ball more than a person. Muscles aches is a new one for me. Some of them are mild but some are down right painful. I can either live on pain meds, which I hate to take unless I have to I've always been that way, or I can endure it. So far I've been enduring but let me tell you, it isn't that easy. I get woken up about 3-4 times a night from some pain or other and that makes it hard to get any deep sleep which plays right into the fatigue that I already have now doesn't it. I can see it now, 'Here lies the walking zombie of a wife and mother we're not really sure if she's gone or not'. But I cope and I do my very best whatever I can muster, taking one day at a time.
I think though, and this is the very personal part, that I might be sadder than I usually am. So far it's so easy to pick myself back up or be picked back up so that's good. But still, I can't not look at all the crap happening around me now and not feel more sympathy for it. Sounds like a good thing but I don't think so. I had a nice balance where I cared but I accepted that everyone makes their own choices and some things just plain happen lately it's more like protective in a way. That poor child or that poor family etc.
I've also started analyzing my own family, eek!, which is never a good thing to do because you are likely not only to compare everyone to yourself but to judge how you did things vs how they do things. I don't want that kind of arrogance everyone is different. But still. There it is in my mind swimming around all the time. That is on the days that I can think straight. To be honest with you the cloudy mind thing I kind of like. Makes it easier to forget the things I need to. And there are plenty of people around me to remind me of the things I do.
I really hope that this heavy heart will improve with time. I am trying to do small things that make me happy for myself but let's face it, it's nice when your family and friends do nice things for you too. Here's to coping and keeping up the fight for a better life. Cheers!
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