Stuck

I feel...stuck.  I hate when that happens 'cause ya see, I am a always keep moving forward kind of person.  I feel although I try really hard to commit to things, there are so many distractions in life making it impossible to concentrate on what's really important.  I really appreciate the glimpses I get of making progress they fill my heart with joy.  I like that expression, try again tomorrow.  I can let go of what didn't get done and didn't go right today and leave it behind me so that I'm free to keep going.  Easier said than done though, I FEEL stuck.

Yesterday I had a wonderful glimpse.  My husband and I went out for a walk in the fall air, fall is my favorite season.  It made me realize that I love spending time alone with him and this might be a most valuable asset us walking in the evening once in a while.  I still want to have opportunities to walk with others as well.  Change the conversation a bit.  But I really enjoyed that.  I'm walking for both exercise yes, but lately and mostly stress relief.  Being at home or carting around a 2 year old is wearing and to have that chance to allow the stress to melt off my shoulders is heavenly.  Easier to think clearly and say what you mean instead of fumbling for the words.  I needed that.

Sometimes it's a guilt thing that I can't be everything to everyone.  My physical body just doesn't allow it.  Despite what my spirit wishes.  But I try.  That is one of the most comforting things I've discovered in life, trying your best and knowing that you are doing everything you can without driving yourself to an early grave is enough.  Hopefully those old pangs of you can do better than this and comparing myself to my younger self with subside with time.  I know it will lol.  As we grow older we do in fact get wiser and realize we are no longer invincible.  It sucks!  Hate it but making my peace with it lol.

My health issues really do take a toll on my abilities to accomplish things.  This time last year I could still function lol.  Now I feel as though I'm in this body that isn't mine.  It aches more than it did a year ago for no apparent reason.  Before it was because I was playing bball or tennis with my family.  Maybe because I raked the whole yard etc.  Not because I woke up and walked around the house for 5 minutes.  Takes some adjusting.  I'm keeping to that original doctor's advice.  Walking cures everything from diabetes to heart disease to stress.  Thus the walking every evening.  I did try during the mornings but who are we kidding here?  In the morning I wake up with my eyes sewn shut and feeling like I'm stepping onto a tight rope.  Evenings are better.  Hopefully, this doctor is right.

I feel totally inadequate around my kids lately as well.  They are simply in a word arrogant.  If I ask for an explanation pertaining to something at school I'm stupid for not knowing all of the school's policies from memory, which I don't have much of one anymore, and get chastised.  I even get told how it should be like they're my parents. ( stop laughing mom ) It's gotten to the point that on a bad day I'll cry and say why are you so mean?  On a good day I'll laugh my head off and call them ignorant.  On a normal, if you can call it that, day I simply ignore them and move on.  I like the normal days the best, don't you?  Then I don't feel stupid for getting upset in front of them or guilty for putting them in their place.  Although teenagers need that on occasion I suppose.  Reminders here and there that they are not kings and queens of the universe yet, they are here to learn how to become that and you can't learn by teaching what you don't know can you?

There's my loop.  My circle.  It just goes round and round.  I need more glimpses of new and special things. I like them.