Ode to Dad

All my life the one thing I remember most about my dad is hard worker.  There was always something to be done around the house and he was always doing it.  Sitting idle too long was never his thing, he can barely sit through a movie.  Although it's probably easier for him to relax now that he has settled into his retirement.  It wasn't easy at first for you was it Dad.

He's the kind of person that's always moving.  When asked to help others on their timetable he would sit patiently waiting for opportunities to serve and help in some way, but not for long.  Eventually he can't sit still and needs to beautify something or other in his yard mostly, or work on the house.  Even though the house for the most part is done, it is never done enough for him.  That is an incredible way to live life!  Always moving forward, never idle, always learning and growing and improving.  And always inventing new ways to have fun.

I know he cringes a lot at some of the things that he did with us as kids but no offence dad we kinda liked it lol.  For example, and I have a few childhood friends who will remember this, we had really fun dads all us girls.  The one thing I remember having fun doing the most with them was in the wintertime, which now due to climate change in our area isn't as often, back then when it snowed, it snowwweed!  No Chinooks to wamr us up.  I remember waking up in the wintertime almost always filled with anticipation and excitement that it snowed over night and there was a new pile of fresh snow just waiting for me to run through it, sled over and face plant in.  Our fathers would take this snowy and icy opportunity to hook up our sleds to the back of their trucks and drag us through the icy streets of Magrath cause no one else was usually out in this weather.  We LOVED it!  We loved the long streets sure but when they turned corners we would flllyyyyyyy!  Was soooo much fun.  I still don't remember laughing at hard as anything since like we did that.  That was one of THE best things I ever did with my dad.  Winter "sports".

We also had a ditch across the road that would fill with water during the fall storms and freeze over in the wintertime and he would get me to put on my skates hop onto the back of the truck, my friends too, and he'd back us up to the ditch to go ice skating.  He probably didn't think that was special at all but it was to us.  All the times we would climb into the back of the truck in the summer and he'd purposefully find plenty of bumps to run over so we would be jostled around in the back either hanging over the box's gate or in the bed itself.  I remember me and my friends laughing our heads off at that and them saying your dad is so much fun!  There were of course a few minor bumps and bruises namely tongues getting bitten at the wrong time but even then we'd keep laughing and having fun.

One summer, with the help of one of my cousins, he even build us a waterslide and a pool out of using old railroad ties and some tarp.  For the slide he slipped on some wood to an old wooden ladder that he had and laid tarp on top of that and fastened the garden hose at the top for super slippery awesomeness.  All the neighborhood kids should remember this, they practically lived in my back yard that summer.  It was great bragging rights for me and my brother that summer!  There were people we barely new asking to "be our friends" aka can I play on your slide and pool.  What a creative inventor my dad is!  I even remember asking my Mom on more than one occassion to send all the kids home so that I had a chance to use it at all lol.  Thanks Mom!

I'm glad that he's taken the time to teach me as many things as he has.  I know how to fish well, I even finally found the patience to learn how to tie flies thanks to a boyfriend having interest in it, he and my dad had that in common.  I'm a great shot thanks to learning how to handle a rifle so if I am ever hungry enough to go hunting, which makes me queasy still sorry dad, I can.  He taught me to be quick witted with so called friends that would harass me although now I'm so good at that I have to work really hard to keep my mouth shut lol.  He taught me to change a tire and explained an oil change to the point that I can still do it with ease to this day.  He didn't want a helpless little girl bombarded with dolls and makeup.  He wanted a survivor.  And that's exactly what he got.

My dad, even with all of his faults, and all of the things he's so hard on himself for,  is the greatest!  I can proudly say I have a dad who looked me straight in the eye and told me when I said but I'm just a girl, "that's no excuse!".  It made me compete with boys my whole life to be an independent girl and eventually an independent woman who can stand strongly on her own two feet in face of struggle and strife and say to herself  I can do this, there's no excuse.  He helped mold me into who I am today and although we don't always see eye to eye the more time passes I think the more we see that we have in common with each other.

No regrets dad.  You do what you can with what you know and the tools you're given.  You did great and I love you.  Happy Father's Day!

I Have Failed...

I am the mother of three amazing children.  I say amazing because I have had the select honor and privilege of watching them grow from the moment they were born.  How fast they learn and pick up on the things around them and the things presented to them.  How they solve problems sometimes comically.  I try to use every opportunity to allow them to learn from their mistakes and to rise to the challenges in their lives.  When they fall short I do my best to pick them up when I feel it is warranted and the older they get the more I feel they need to stand up on their own again but I help when they just simply can't do it for themselves but I have seen an honest effort.

But, I have failed them.  I feel as though no matter how many lessons I've taught, how many times I say I love you and hold them and kiss them that they could care less.  A part of me smiles at that rarely that if anything ever happened to me they'd be okay without me.  But is it so terrible to have me here?  Does my love mean nothing?  I know that when they grow and have children of their own and are desperate for help that I will need to stand back and be strong and watch them learn and continue to grow.  That kind of bonding between spouses and between parents and children is so important that I don't dare distract from it.  But I'll still be sitting there on the sidelines wanted or not, cheering them on as I always have.

It is a profound knowledge to know that God loves me unconditionally.  No matter what anyone else thinks of me and sometimes despite myself He does.  I am grateful for that knowledge.  I am grateful to know that He loves my children also.  That He also sits on the sidelines cheering them on with me.  Even if He's not wanted.  I doubt that He feels like a failure in any regard.  I hope I can be like that someday.

In Dark I am Free.....Weird right?

You know how they have those restaurants that are pitch black?  Can't see a thing, supposed to be an 'enlightening' experience?  I'm just wondering, are people braver in the dark.  Forced to lean on personality instead of looks.  More willing to listen to what's going on around them.  Forced to actually pay attention to what the other people are saying.  Does it make you more attentive?  I think it might.

I've been wondering lately because I love to dance.  I have been in dance classes since 4 or 5 started with ballet and moved to tap and jazz.  Eventually it was hip hop but I wasn't one of the people that had to take a class I was one of the people that was self taught and came up with my own stuff.  Still do but only when no one is looking lol.  I know that sounds bad but when other people ask you to teach it to them you know you did something good.  So the part I've been wondering about is, if I were to be placed into a dark room where you couldn't see much of anything except maybe the mirrors, would I be more comfortable dancing the way I love to?  Oh sure I dance with my family we have "dances" all the time in our living room.  In fact Catie grew up that way which is why we believe that she's going to be a little like her mother and taking dance classes.

Perhaps I would lose my fear of anyone watching me, which I had even performing as a kid and teenager, and possibly find my happiness.  My happiness, my true happiness has always been singing and dancing.  Always.  It is indescribable how it makes me glow inside out.  I feel like I could fly.  Maybe after I work on that dark room to dance my petuty off I'll find a "quiet" room where I can sing my lungs out without being judged or criticized.  I would rather sit and be silent than have to endure all that mess.  I realize that especially as a kid it's jealousy.  People always tend to make fun of the best of you instead of taking a second to allow themselves to admire it.  It happens.  Hopefully we will all grow up someday and I'll be free and happy as I have always dreamed.

Attack!

When we are being attacked by the adversary do we always recognize the attack?  In some cases it's blatantly clear that he has a hold on other people and in others you barely notice it was so subtle but it will add up over time and if you are truly in tune with the Spirit you will eventually notice it and be able to fight back or I hope you choose to fight back.  What the adversary really wants you to do is blow it off and say I'll worry about it later it's not that bad.  Yeah.  Not that bad YET.  But it will always eventually become a mountain before you suspect and by the time you finally decided to deal with it after procrastinating for so long you will find yourself inept for the job whereas if you had not dismissed it the first time and handled it you would have had more than enough strength to deal with it permanently on your own.

My family and I had a blatant attack yesterday by a neighbor who thought that my daughter had broken into her home and stolen an object from her daughter.  She really should have sat down and spoken with her daughter first because that wasn't what happened at all and her daughter said so through her mother screaming at her on our front porch.  My daughter and her daughter are friends because they choose to be and having this mother ignore that is heartbreaking.  I felt terribly embarrassed for this girl she deserves a lot better.  This woman continued screaming and passing judgments not only at my daughter but me and her daughter as well and I thought she's just trying to get a rise out of you.  I barely remember half the things she said as most people especially adults do, I tuned someone yelling at me over something silly out of my head.  I finally though had to raise my voice just for her to be able to hear anyone but herself, which I hated doing, and told her to get off of my property she was now trespassing as of this minute and not welcome here again.  Words came out of my mouth so fast I'm still not sure if they were my own lol it surprised me.  Her reply was simple, "I'm calling the police."  Didn't bother me call away the only one in the wrong according to ev1 but her, was her.  I do remember begging her to stop yelling for the sake of her and her daughter telling her she was embarrassing herself please just go home.  I repeated it about 3 times but she refused to listen and kept yelling and complaining.

Quite honestly?  In my entire life I have never met anyone so easily angered and forcefully controlling as her in my lifetime but I didn't back down and I never will.  She did call the police, three showed up at her house two stayed behind to keep her calm and at her own residence while the third came to talk to me and my daughter.  He looked warn out and I felt bad for him I even found myself apologizing on her behalf to him at least twice no one should have to endure such a monstrosity, not the woman the situation.  She did in fact say some things that were not entirely true to him but they were about me so I just let some of it go this time I'm sure they take it with a grain of salt.  But concerning my daughter in this matter I wanted to be clear what actually happened.  Unfortunately, this officer looking so tired with all of this already, almost dismissed me when I asked him if she told him the truth of the situation and I just wanted to make sure that he knew it.  I asked twice and he finally let me tell him the logistics of what happened, the facts.  That's really what I was interested in the emotion can take a back seat yes she screamed at ev1 in front of the whole neighborhood but to be honest I felt so sorry for her and especially her daughter that I didn't really care about that aspect towards us.  She can say what she wants about me it's sad to me she'll never know who I am or be a good neighbor of mine.  But my daughter is where I draw the line they are friends and happy and that's good enough for me.

That was blatant, easy to deal with cause it's right in front of my face.  Believe it or not I respect this woman for walking her daughter to my house to yell at us in person.  What I can't stand is cowards who yell about me or my family behind our backs in situations where we have no chance to defend ourselves.  Once again I'm only interested in the facts.  When these events and stories get back to me and my husband we are always surprised to hear it and even more surprised that in some cases these individuals who felt it their personal duty to let us know what was being said as a 'favor' to us also protect the very individuals that lied to them for our sake.  To me, that's an accomplice.  You are simply accepting the same fate they will have to accept eventually and no good can come from it.  That's the part where it's subtle right there in the in between.  It will add up on you and you have the strength now to handle it on your own not only do you confront the horses mouth but you should pray for help to come to your OWN conclusions on the matter and make sure that the party you've heard this rumor from knows that you told the individuals that they were speaking about.  Of course this is just a basic example could be anything. Be of good courage.  Of course with gossip my philsophy has always been change the subject interrupt them and move on.

The adversary just loves 'hiding in the bushes' waiting to attack.  He will walk beside you on your path of life just an inch off the road and hidden from sight.  The second that you let your guard down or don't take care of the little things that you should he knows he's got you.  Before you know it he has lunged at your throat and under his control.  Even if it's only for a split second.  The wound created will take much longer to heal than had you simply handled the situations prior to the attack.  The road back is always harder than the fall.  Please don't look back.  Never.  Forgiveness is always in front of you.  Forgive quickly and easily for a happy and fulfilling life.  Don't take on others burdens out of fear for so long and then let that fear build into this massive wound that you feel you may never recover.  Forgiving someone 20 years down the road after holding a grudge or anger and resentment will only hurt you.  Not them.  You.

As soon as the police left our home we knelt in prayer, asking the Spirit to dwell in our home in peace and comfort that all who enter will feel the Saviors love for them.  We prayed for this woman's heart to be softened not only to us but to her family that she would be quick to forgive and let it go, that she will be able to find her own happiness in a manner that Heavenly Father sees fit for her.  I sincerely hope that their family is blessed and become happy and free.  I sincerely hope that your families are blessed in all that you do as well, that you will also obtain happiness and closeness with each other.

Mothers

I grew up in the best way.  Surrounded by babies!  My mother used to run a day home and I remember until at least kindergarten there were babies and toddlers and little kids everywhere.  I loved being my mom's big girl and helping her feed them and change them, even the poop lol.  Was like playing 'dolly' with other people's kids.  She's a great and patient mother.

Then came, the Cabbage Patch Kids!  She started making clothes for them since they were sooooo popular just to make some extra money and keep her busy.  I always thought they were the best and my mom was too!  She spent hours in that sewing room making new things for us and for others made me want to learn and be like her too.  She was great at sewing as was her mother and helped me learn to as well although I'll probably never be as good as she is.

She loved that little white, used to be an old blue rocking chair, in the corner of the living room.  She'd sit there for hours some days reading always made me feel safe and happy that she did that.  You know those moments that make you feel secure, those memories that make you smile this one is one of my biggest.  I always asked her a million questions in the sewing room and in her reading chair those are the two places I remember learning from her most.  You probably didn't remember that did you mom lol.  You are a great teacher.

My mother is a fantastic cook!  She's even been published in cooking magazines, won competitions for recipes and received what I think are cool prizes.  She gets that from her mother.  My grandmother had tons and tons of recipe cards filled with old school recipes and new school as she went along in life and now my mother does too.  Watching her in the kitchen helped me as a mother myself to create recipes all the time and hardly ever follow recipes anymore I just cook what I know, I do use recipes if it's a new technique though I'm extremely hard on myself if I burn anything trying to live up to me mum there.  She used to make homemade pizza alot on the nights that our dad had to work late total yum.  I miss her baking the most though.  She can make anything.  Best chef I know.

She's always had a friendly disposition, even though my brother and I got "the look" a time or two and boy let me tell you she has it down!  But I remember her more for her kindnesses and reassuring nature.  She loves to laugh and enjoy life and so do I.  Life's too short to worry all the time, yes mom I know you still worry but you were really good at hiding it I give you a gold star!  She made me optimistic at life and I get my creative inventive nature from her.  And my smarts, she's a very smart woman can catch onto anything quickly and learns fast, I get that from her too can't take the credit, don't worry dad your day is coming next month no comparisons lol.

I remember praying alot in my life to be more like my mother.  I still look up to her and how I was raised in her home a great deal.  I will always be trying to catch up to her and be more like her my whole life but she's a pretty awesome person to wanna grow up to be someday.

Happy Mother's Day Mom I love you and thankyou.

Struggling

I am struggling with myself, a fight with just me.
Not sure so far who's going to win, but a battle it will be.
The good in me that burns so bright is dousing it's own flames.
The wonder in me that pulls me along is hanging her head in shame.

But a battle it will be and a battle it is, this isn't over yet,
For the waging war within my soul, a beating it will get.
I have yet to figure this all out, my brains is feeling fried,
Even if I don't come out on top at least I'll know I tried.

A Breakthrough

It occurs to me today something very remarkable and personal to me.  Something that never occurred to me before and something so impactful it actually changes a lot of who I am.

Years and years ago, in a land far far away, something very bad happened to me.  More than once.  As a result the survival side of my humanity took over and I grabbed the reigns of my life and took control.  I was forced into it.  I had to, to get through it.  But what I never realized until now, is that not only should I never had had to take those reigns at such a young age but that my parents were robbed of their right to parent me at such a young age as a result.  It was circumstance and unavoidable.  When I say reigns I speak not of my ability or freedom of choice but the right to be guided.

If any of this had been offered to me in thought or whisper before now I would have simply scoffed.  Lack of understanding and humility would have made me unteachable and unreasonable on this idea.  But today it hit home in a big way.  All this time I thought I was the only one that went through all of this.  Thankyou, Lord, for opening my mind.  To my loving parents, it's true you were robbed in some ways but not in others and circumstance probably skewed your own understanding of just how to parent me at such a young age.  You did great!  No guilt.  No regrets.

As a result trust has been an impossibility for me for so many years.  I literally tremble and shake at the very thought of handing over the reigns to anyone.  But because of faith and endurance even when I'd rather give up ( selfish act to give up ), I heal.  I could never do it alone and have had many individuals help me along the way with great words of wisdom and what I'll call character building through incredible adversity.  I have been guided by many and although I'm still afraid and probably always will be of following the wrong person into the shadows of this path we call life, I continue on with hope in my heart and a smile on my face looking forward to tomorrows.