We grow up thinking we have the right to everything. Even the right to be better than everyone else. We do that whole my dad's better than your dad on the playground. I'm the king of the castle and you're the dirty rascal. First place in track n field. I have a tv in my room and you can barely afford the one in your living room. Arrogant right?
What happens when it's against yourself? Only you can know your best no one else and as a result you will always find yourself competing with you. In effect always putting yourself down when you are not at your best as well. I find myself doing that with humor lately but I know in the end it can only sting. The venom just goes a little bit slower when I use humor with it.
I finally got fantastic news that my thyroid levels are excellent. Woohoo! That's great news! Immediately followed by so if you are going to get pregnant now is the time to do it. You're 38 years old and everything looks good I wouldn't wait if you are going to have more kids. Okkaaayyy. Surprised that he said that but ok. That lead to 'the discussion'. Are we ready for more or are we content? Let me throw in a curveball. How many children chose to be born to us and are we cutting any of them off when we arrogantly say we're done? Do we think we have more rights than them?
It is a privilege to have children and a God given right for women to bare them. It is also a partnership. Being that they are God's children in the Spirit when we bare and birth these children we instantly partake in a partnership directly with God to provide for them in various ways, raising them to be good and self reliant human beings on this earth. Do I, when I say no to more children, compromise that relationship with God? Is there any iron clad way to know whether or not there are more souls meant to be members of this family through me?
Decision made. All three of my children thus far have been conceived whilst using contraceptives. They came when they were meant to come and I never got a chance to plan any of them. We decided this time we'll put the contraceptives on the shelf for a couple of years and if they come they come and if they don't they don't. Leaving it in God's hands and willing to accept His will. However, my husband has added a condition. He doesn't want to finally reach retirement and we still have kids at home. Understandable. That means we have a cut off age. I don't feel wrong about kneeling in prayer and saying that my husband doesn't wish to have children beyond this age so anyone who needs to come let them come now. I don't feel arrogant or selfish. I feel that this decision is respected and understood by both sides of the fence as long as we are humble about it. As long as we accept the answer no. Haven't received a no as of yet but if I do I will have another decision to make.
As a result of all of this I am being much harder on myself. Being very conscious of how I'm living. How much time I spend with my 3 year old now. My teenagers are in full fledged teenage mode where they don't really desire to be around me as much, just some of the time. They are content with friends and hobbies and homework and after school activities. So unfortunately I do factor that in. Will they be willing to help me with future babies in the house?
I am also being very picky about my water and food intake. My level of exercise. I seem to always want to do more than I have time for or my body is willing to cope with. I am still working my way back up the scale having been going through all this medical drama for the last 2 years. I find myself worn out a tad more quickly than before this all started and the only way I know to get it back up to par is to keep trying. Another issue that I will eventually have to deal with is what if I will never get back there? What if this is just how it is for me from now on? Am I willing to accept that? I have energy gallore so it makes me restless at times but getting rid of the energy so far is on house work and chasing the toddler around lol. I'm like one of those cartoon characters that you see with the robe and slippers and messed up hair and bags under her eyes stepping on the cats tail while fighting with the crying baby and grabbing the collar of the teenager in trouble with their latest antics. Totally me!
Here's the biggest thing I have to give myself credit for. I'm still here. After all of the horrible things I have had to endure and all the time stealing frustrating hurdles I have had to jump over, I'm still here. I'm still standing on my own two feet ready to face more challenges. I try not to be bitter about them just simply take them for what they are and move forward. I refuse to wallow, I don't appreciate people who do. There's this whole big world out there to enjoy and I've made a decision to enjoy what I can as often as possible. I may be worn out and stressed and frustrated with myself on a regular basis but I am a fighter and I keep going regardless of the outcome which sometimes I know isn't what I wanted.
I have to believe that there is always something greater around the corner even if it's attached to millions of nasty challenges I have to face to get to it. I have to believe that I have the tools and knowledge to get me there and what I lack in God finds a way to help make up for whether through helping me or putting others in my way that can help me. It is the same.
I'm both scared and thrilled at the concept of more children in our home. I'm both scared and thrilled at the possibilities of what I can achieve now that I have a better bill of health. I am grateful for life either way.
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