I love the Holidays don't you? Everyone gets more cheery ( probably thinking about the presents they'll get) and all the Christmas lights make everything so bright (please not when I'm trying to sleep though set those timers for 10pm at the latest).
One very important thing has been ..... missing. Peace.
You remember that feeling of peace don't you? Maybe when you were walking your dog alone on the back roads at midnight during a snowfall the silence was brilliant and you couldn't help but feel calm and smile. Or maybe it's just after you send your kids off to school for the day, Hubby off to work, baby down for a nap and there it is again...silence. Or occasionally and I have witnessed this myself and been in awe of it. When someone mentions Jesus Christ of course His name in a humble manner. Silence.
We, as a family, have decided that TV is too loud, computers are too annoying and time consuming and are doing an experiment with spending time together this December. We have some G rated movies the occasional PG set aside for every Sunday and Monday for the next couple of weeks and the week of Christmas nothing but Christmas movies but we prefer nothing at all. We prefer longer dinners to sit around and talk. We prefer reading out of books about how others celebrate their Christmas around the world. And we have found since we started doing this a couple of weeks ago that it works. We spend a lot of time together. We have found a humble and peaceful silence.
There was an awful lot of arguing going on beforehand. This experiment is totally worth it. My kids not only do their chores but offer to do more around the house without complaint. WITHOUT COMPLAINT. You don't know how wonderful that makes me feel that my 2 oldest children have finally had a chance to notice how busy I am with the baby and the household. They never would have seen it without the silence.
There is the most beautiful voice singing Silent Night on my music video side.
This Christmas season, to all my friends and family, turn off the tv and read together. Spend hours in delightful conversation and silliness. Find peace.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Shoe Fly Don't Bother Me
Ok new lesson learned. I tend to be sensitive to the people around me even when I try not to be if they hurt I hurt for and with them one of my characteristics as a person always been that way. However, sometimes when you sympathize for or with friends you discover quickly if they were your friend or just your aquaintance to begin with. Nothing like a big test in one or both parties lives to discover what you and they are really made of. True colors always eventually shine through and people aren't always what you thought.
I myself have serious trust issues people hear me say that but I never explain why and unless you are one of my dearest and closest most trusted friends in this world you're never going to. If you want to be one of my dearest and closest most trusted friends then you have to prove to me that you are trustworthy to share all my deepest secrets with, basically don't gossip about me when I do share something personal and especially never make stuff up about me or add to what I do share to pedestal yourself it's truly annoying and repulsive behavior. (usually created by some form of jealousy) Which is why I only have a small group of dearest closest most trusted friends. I love them to pieces by the way would do anything for them and they know that about me because they know most or all of the pieces about me not just a couple years here and there.
Back to my lesson learned. I always felt uncomfortable not calling everyone my friend. However in light of recent discoveries with certain individuals I realize that maybe I don't want to be everyone's friend especially when they abuse that priviledge. Yes I said priviledge I think people are lucky to have friends that genuinely care about each other but once you cross that line by being arrogant for no reason or rude and unapologetic then arms distance if not farther you go. I have the right to "keep people at a distance" that are struggling with their own personal lives and need a punching bag. With regret I cannot and refuse to be that punching bag. If I am not directly involved then you should take me up on my offer of unfailing friendship support and love. A shoulder to cry on, a late night phone call, even a financial handout if need be. But please don't turn me into a punching bag of sorts and aim your anger or frustration at me or I have to arms distance you away from me and my family. Who wouldn't?
Like I said before I felt uncomfortable for the longest time even thinking about not being everyone's friend. That I always want to help and I'm quick to forgive and I do unfortunately at times allow "friends" to aim at me because I understand that they are just upset even if it's not about me. But come on, do you really think you can keep doing that and get away with it? Do you really believe in your honest heart of hearts that you are blameless in your actions towards others and don't deserve consequences right or wrong for your own choices? Growing up isn't easy. Whoever said it was. It's hard work being honest with yourself and others all the time. It's hard work doing everything you can to help others and forgetting yourself sometimes we all have our "what about me?" moments. But ask yourself this, is it worth lowering yourself and damning your growth to be a constant fly in someone's face to make you feel better for a small moment and crappy for a lifetime?
I myself have serious trust issues people hear me say that but I never explain why and unless you are one of my dearest and closest most trusted friends in this world you're never going to. If you want to be one of my dearest and closest most trusted friends then you have to prove to me that you are trustworthy to share all my deepest secrets with, basically don't gossip about me when I do share something personal and especially never make stuff up about me or add to what I do share to pedestal yourself it's truly annoying and repulsive behavior. (usually created by some form of jealousy) Which is why I only have a small group of dearest closest most trusted friends. I love them to pieces by the way would do anything for them and they know that about me because they know most or all of the pieces about me not just a couple years here and there.
Back to my lesson learned. I always felt uncomfortable not calling everyone my friend. However in light of recent discoveries with certain individuals I realize that maybe I don't want to be everyone's friend especially when they abuse that priviledge. Yes I said priviledge I think people are lucky to have friends that genuinely care about each other but once you cross that line by being arrogant for no reason or rude and unapologetic then arms distance if not farther you go. I have the right to "keep people at a distance" that are struggling with their own personal lives and need a punching bag. With regret I cannot and refuse to be that punching bag. If I am not directly involved then you should take me up on my offer of unfailing friendship support and love. A shoulder to cry on, a late night phone call, even a financial handout if need be. But please don't turn me into a punching bag of sorts and aim your anger or frustration at me or I have to arms distance you away from me and my family. Who wouldn't?
Like I said before I felt uncomfortable for the longest time even thinking about not being everyone's friend. That I always want to help and I'm quick to forgive and I do unfortunately at times allow "friends" to aim at me because I understand that they are just upset even if it's not about me. But come on, do you really think you can keep doing that and get away with it? Do you really believe in your honest heart of hearts that you are blameless in your actions towards others and don't deserve consequences right or wrong for your own choices? Growing up isn't easy. Whoever said it was. It's hard work being honest with yourself and others all the time. It's hard work doing everything you can to help others and forgetting yourself sometimes we all have our "what about me?" moments. But ask yourself this, is it worth lowering yourself and damning your growth to be a constant fly in someone's face to make you feel better for a small moment and crappy for a lifetime?
Monday, September 13, 2010
What's With That?!
It's funny when you grow up and you start to wonder about all the people you knew in high school how different we all are. That gorgeous jock in high school is now a fat bald old man but hey at least he's nice and doesn't make sick jokes anymore when you bump into him. That so called miss popular queen of the high school halls is now in jail for being a Meth dealer and has a new boyfriend named Cheryl (sorry other Cheryls no offence lol).
So that makes me think about how much I've changed and how different I am. All the sports and music and dancing and parties and dating and kissing etc etc where in the sam heckers did I have the energy for that? And although I still love sports, I play different ones than I loved in high school lol more 'refined' ones like Tennis and golf.
Still sing in the shower loud and proud but some of those high notes seem to have climbed Mt Everest on me without a memo. We have taken up dancing most FHE nights just to have fun let some stress off and be silly. I still have moves but I can't do that thing with the breakdancing and the up and down as fast without feeling like passing out. I still go to parties only now it's to sit around and eat junk while swapping naughty stories about the things we did in high school that no one knows about, yet.
Of course I still date! Love LOVE going on dates with my husband! Man he's hot. That accent, those eyes, that smile and sorry to all those weird prep lovers but I love it when hes got his long locks going (hearts floating by here). It may be different in the whole anticipation of new things but I love this more. I get to be myself cause he's already heard me fart and held my hair when I'm sick not much left to hide lol. On top of that I fall deeper in love with him every year it's sickening. Dates rock so much better now than they did in high school.
And the kissing............nuff said.
I've seen some pictures of people that I went to school with some look different some I think are cheating on their pics cause they look exactly the same! I've had the opportunity to remeet some of them in person and others small chats on websites like Facebook. I never pictured most of us girls actually looking like our moms freaks me out a little bit. I never pictured so many class clowns getting down to business and having fantabulous careers. I never picture my life turning out the way it did either but I sure am grateful.
It's good to be a grown up.
So that makes me think about how much I've changed and how different I am. All the sports and music and dancing and parties and dating and kissing etc etc where in the sam heckers did I have the energy for that? And although I still love sports, I play different ones than I loved in high school lol more 'refined' ones like Tennis and golf.
Still sing in the shower loud and proud but some of those high notes seem to have climbed Mt Everest on me without a memo. We have taken up dancing most FHE nights just to have fun let some stress off and be silly. I still have moves but I can't do that thing with the breakdancing and the up and down as fast without feeling like passing out. I still go to parties only now it's to sit around and eat junk while swapping naughty stories about the things we did in high school that no one knows about, yet.
Of course I still date! Love LOVE going on dates with my husband! Man he's hot. That accent, those eyes, that smile and sorry to all those weird prep lovers but I love it when hes got his long locks going (hearts floating by here). It may be different in the whole anticipation of new things but I love this more. I get to be myself cause he's already heard me fart and held my hair when I'm sick not much left to hide lol. On top of that I fall deeper in love with him every year it's sickening. Dates rock so much better now than they did in high school.
And the kissing............nuff said.
I've seen some pictures of people that I went to school with some look different some I think are cheating on their pics cause they look exactly the same! I've had the opportunity to remeet some of them in person and others small chats on websites like Facebook. I never pictured most of us girls actually looking like our moms freaks me out a little bit. I never pictured so many class clowns getting down to business and having fantabulous careers. I never picture my life turning out the way it did either but I sure am grateful.
It's good to be a grown up.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Squared with my Hubby...for the most part
I recently sold my small little house in a quiet town in Southern Alberta, Canada. It's so beautiful there. Rolling hills and ridges. On one side prairie grasses as far as the eye can see mixed with brush and coulees and quiet streams and on the other the bold majesty of the Rocky Mountains wearing their pure snow caps high above the rolling hills like strong rulers. I miss the sweet smells of the prairie grasses and wild flowers. (far off look here)
As I was saying I recently sold my home there it took very good care of me and my two oldest children. Nice big back yard leading up to a pasture of horses. I have the opportunity to 'buy my freedom'. Freedom from credit card debt. That's a big one for all of us who have used credit cards to buy the things we can't afford, kinda like your eyes being bigger than your stomach at Thanksgiving Dinner where you eat to point of utter eruption at the seams and wish you could go back in time and take smaller portions. Most of our credit card debt was gained through the struggle of immigration. My hubby is an American citizen I met him while he was still attending school at University of Illinois at Chicago. I was making more money than he was at the time and hardly had any debt except my home and he had a small but modest savings account. We got married and between immigration and travel we aquired about 30,000 worth of credit card debt.
Some of you are gasping, holy cow did she just really say that to us and admit to us how much debt she had from all that? That's kinda personal geez I hope I don't make that mistake. The rest of you know exactly what I'm talking about cause you're there. Married to your debt with occasional flirtations of applying tax refunds to cut it a little more but alas, they know what they're doing. They knew the second you filled out the application that on my 30,000 debt they would make over 12,000 in interest cause they knew there was NO WAY that we could pay that off quickly.
If you are thinking about getting a new credit card...DON'T! STOP YOURSELVES! It's a trap and will end your freedom before you even notice that they've got you. If you HAVE to get a credit card pick one with lots of rewards and a low interest rate that you can use for your vacation and then pay off right away. If you can't afford to pay it off right away go closer to home you'd be surprised what's in your own back yard and still feels far away from home. Or better yet save money over a few years and plan your vacation well, this not only gives you time to be picky and thrifty but you might find package deals or big sales that you can come across to lighten your expense load.
I will be in the next few days, free. I smiled at my baby girl today with my burden lightened so much so that I felt like I was on air and said to her, so this is what it feels like to be free.
Remember it's just stuff. You can't take it with you, it won't impress everyone, and all it will do is clutter your home with 'things'. Save your money for memories. Vacations to see your children and grandchildren. Vacations to show your children parts of the world they might never otherwise experience on their own. College and mission funds to help them when they are leaving the nest and going out into the world. So much more important than that couch you always wanted, or that car you think you need when a used one gets you there.
I am now squared away with my husband. The guilt I felt all this time for the immigration and credit card debt we aquired just desperately trying to fly back and forth to see each other maybe 4 times a year is gone. I am free.
As I was saying I recently sold my home there it took very good care of me and my two oldest children. Nice big back yard leading up to a pasture of horses. I have the opportunity to 'buy my freedom'. Freedom from credit card debt. That's a big one for all of us who have used credit cards to buy the things we can't afford, kinda like your eyes being bigger than your stomach at Thanksgiving Dinner where you eat to point of utter eruption at the seams and wish you could go back in time and take smaller portions. Most of our credit card debt was gained through the struggle of immigration. My hubby is an American citizen I met him while he was still attending school at University of Illinois at Chicago. I was making more money than he was at the time and hardly had any debt except my home and he had a small but modest savings account. We got married and between immigration and travel we aquired about 30,000 worth of credit card debt.
Some of you are gasping, holy cow did she just really say that to us and admit to us how much debt she had from all that? That's kinda personal geez I hope I don't make that mistake. The rest of you know exactly what I'm talking about cause you're there. Married to your debt with occasional flirtations of applying tax refunds to cut it a little more but alas, they know what they're doing. They knew the second you filled out the application that on my 30,000 debt they would make over 12,000 in interest cause they knew there was NO WAY that we could pay that off quickly.
If you are thinking about getting a new credit card...DON'T! STOP YOURSELVES! It's a trap and will end your freedom before you even notice that they've got you. If you HAVE to get a credit card pick one with lots of rewards and a low interest rate that you can use for your vacation and then pay off right away. If you can't afford to pay it off right away go closer to home you'd be surprised what's in your own back yard and still feels far away from home. Or better yet save money over a few years and plan your vacation well, this not only gives you time to be picky and thrifty but you might find package deals or big sales that you can come across to lighten your expense load.
I will be in the next few days, free. I smiled at my baby girl today with my burden lightened so much so that I felt like I was on air and said to her, so this is what it feels like to be free.
Remember it's just stuff. You can't take it with you, it won't impress everyone, and all it will do is clutter your home with 'things'. Save your money for memories. Vacations to see your children and grandchildren. Vacations to show your children parts of the world they might never otherwise experience on their own. College and mission funds to help them when they are leaving the nest and going out into the world. So much more important than that couch you always wanted, or that car you think you need when a used one gets you there.
I am now squared away with my husband. The guilt I felt all this time for the immigration and credit card debt we aquired just desperately trying to fly back and forth to see each other maybe 4 times a year is gone. I am free.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Weird Discovery
So recently I've discovered something new and peculiar about myself, no not that weird mole on my arm it just got bigger is all, it's a personality trait that I have or lack depending on how you look at it. I am afraid of the Mercy/Justice line.
(Huh what's that some kind of queue in court?)
I'm too nice is what it boils down to. So weird to see myself type that let alone discover it. When people gossip about me I roll my eyes and move on. When people insult me to my face I roll my eyes and move on, which happened recently at church from someone I didn't see it coming from total blindside. When people yell at me about whatever judgement they find necessary I roll my eyes and move on. This is turning out to be trendier than bell bottoms. So my realization came from a question. When do I stop rolling my eyes and put my foot down? My aha moment if you will.
The answer? I don't. EVER. I have made a habit of letting people off the hook and never correcting them for treating me that way. Never saying that's not ok and participating in the event called Justice. In short, I am that little bug on the pavement in your driveway that is desperately avoiding being squished while all the while having the cartoon super power to pulverize your car lol. Terrbile thing to realize about yourself. Maybe I should tattoo 'Welcome' on my face.
The truth is I hate being the cause of ANYONE'S unhappiness but it has in fact always cost me my own. It's annoying too. I can't tell you how many times I've dated in the past and seen someone that I think is better suited for the guy I'm dating and tried to hook them up, WHILE I'M DATING THEM! I'm sicker than the guy on the corner staring at the old lady lingerie shop hoping for a peak of some wrinkly skin trying to squeeze into a girdle.
I have apologized for offences I have never even committed just to avoid hurting someone's feelings or to keep their friendship or to avoid some stupid confrontation that I feel already has an ending in the other party's mind anyway. What a schmuck! Not only am I justifying their incorrect assumptions but I'm showing mercy to everyone even when they are completely undeserving. I totally suck! Can't stop shaking my head at myself. So now the hard part. How do I fix this how do I change and show mercy where mercy is warranted but also demand justice? It's like asking when do I hold up my hand and tell the teacher that 2+2 does not equal 5.
Well so far I have no idea. I'm just shocked at the revelation. I'm intelligent. People say that I'm strong although sometimes I think they are looking at me through barbell glasses. I cannot believe that people have the audacity to demand respect from me when I haven't received a drop of respect from them and yet I do it. But I hate, HATE, hurting people's feelings and I know that I'm capable of making grown men cry.
Where do you learn how to balance when to be merciful and when to seek justice?
(Huh what's that some kind of queue in court?)
I'm too nice is what it boils down to. So weird to see myself type that let alone discover it. When people gossip about me I roll my eyes and move on. When people insult me to my face I roll my eyes and move on, which happened recently at church from someone I didn't see it coming from total blindside. When people yell at me about whatever judgement they find necessary I roll my eyes and move on. This is turning out to be trendier than bell bottoms. So my realization came from a question. When do I stop rolling my eyes and put my foot down? My aha moment if you will.
The answer? I don't. EVER. I have made a habit of letting people off the hook and never correcting them for treating me that way. Never saying that's not ok and participating in the event called Justice. In short, I am that little bug on the pavement in your driveway that is desperately avoiding being squished while all the while having the cartoon super power to pulverize your car lol. Terrbile thing to realize about yourself. Maybe I should tattoo 'Welcome' on my face.
The truth is I hate being the cause of ANYONE'S unhappiness but it has in fact always cost me my own. It's annoying too. I can't tell you how many times I've dated in the past and seen someone that I think is better suited for the guy I'm dating and tried to hook them up, WHILE I'M DATING THEM! I'm sicker than the guy on the corner staring at the old lady lingerie shop hoping for a peak of some wrinkly skin trying to squeeze into a girdle.
I have apologized for offences I have never even committed just to avoid hurting someone's feelings or to keep their friendship or to avoid some stupid confrontation that I feel already has an ending in the other party's mind anyway. What a schmuck! Not only am I justifying their incorrect assumptions but I'm showing mercy to everyone even when they are completely undeserving. I totally suck! Can't stop shaking my head at myself. So now the hard part. How do I fix this how do I change and show mercy where mercy is warranted but also demand justice? It's like asking when do I hold up my hand and tell the teacher that 2+2 does not equal 5.
Well so far I have no idea. I'm just shocked at the revelation. I'm intelligent. People say that I'm strong although sometimes I think they are looking at me through barbell glasses. I cannot believe that people have the audacity to demand respect from me when I haven't received a drop of respect from them and yet I do it. But I hate, HATE, hurting people's feelings and I know that I'm capable of making grown men cry.
Where do you learn how to balance when to be merciful and when to seek justice?
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Just Visiting
My husband and I started having a conversation last night that led to this blog. Whatever happened to visiting with each other when we have a spare hour or so? Why are we filling it with meaningless frivel of television and computers or baking just to eat the cookies out of boredom?
I truly miss my friends back home in Alberta. We actually made the effort almost every Saturday to hang out for an afternoon or evening. It was fun and relaxing. Being our silly weird selves I of course will NEVER repeat the conversations we had (they are all laughing in memory now reading this) but the point was that we tried. We made real effort to stay in touch and be friends and stay friends.
I think sometimes in this world it's very easy to meet people that you like and would love to get to know but the gumption and courage to actually do something about it is lost. To my friends back home I certainly hope that you are not in this chicken legs category of simple aquaintances that can never be friends due to your arms length approach.
When I was growing up we had a firepit in the back yard part of my houses appeal when I became an adult and bought a house of my own was to build a fire pit in the back yard. In my childhood our family was host to several people who just stopped by for a visit. It was wonderful especially if they had kids to play with. We hosted many a bon fire party in our backyard where the whole street and neighborhood would come over bringing their new recipes to try and new stories of catching the biggest fish they ever saw. I miss it terribly and since my blog about recreating our own memories so that our children can have some of their own I guess I'm responsible for getting a fire pit in my yard which now I can just buy at Lowes and put away in the garage when I'm not using it although if I lived outside the city you better believe I'd have a shovel in my hand and bricks in a pile beside me. Wasn't always the bonfire though like I was saying sometimes people would just stop by, have something to drink, talk to my mom, we played with the kids in the backyard or basement depending on the weather.
I think it's time to get back to basics. I miss friends calling me up on a moments notice and stopping by. Hardly anyone has done that since the baby was born, either because they think I'm a mangled wretch who isn't sleeping(she sleeps through the night just fine) or they think they are imposing or that it's somehow awkward to invite themselves over. Trust me to all who read this I never take that as a sign of being impolite. Invite yourselves over any time. Here's the hard part that no one wants to hear and several of you will criticize me for but I really mean it! SLOW DOOOOWWWWWNNNNNN! America has this thing about always being first and the best like the entire world is a competition and to an extent in some markets that's true but hasty products usually fall flat anyways we want quality something that lasts so if they slowed down I wouldn't mind a bit. We need to be able to feel like we can breathe. The worst part, we are responsible for that breath entirely. You and you alone choose when to slow down how to slow down how long to slow for etc. Can't keep blaming everyone around you when you have a mouth that can form the word no just like everyone else. Afraid to disappoint other people? Don't be your health and well being is more important to people who really honestly care about you and they'll be fine with it if they aren't fine with it question the honesty of your friendship with them.
I'm pretty easy when it comes to people slowing down taking time and dropping by all I ask is for a phone call. If my hair is messy and I still have pjs on it's nice to pretend that I was ready the whole time lol. Although on some days I might not really care that my hair is messy I have raccoon eyes or that I'm still wearing Mickey Mouse and my friends will love me anyway.
I really want to go back to visiting which means I need to start inviting myself over for a visit too and now that the kids are going back to school look out, you may be on my list!
I truly miss my friends back home in Alberta. We actually made the effort almost every Saturday to hang out for an afternoon or evening. It was fun and relaxing. Being our silly weird selves I of course will NEVER repeat the conversations we had (they are all laughing in memory now reading this) but the point was that we tried. We made real effort to stay in touch and be friends and stay friends.
I think sometimes in this world it's very easy to meet people that you like and would love to get to know but the gumption and courage to actually do something about it is lost. To my friends back home I certainly hope that you are not in this chicken legs category of simple aquaintances that can never be friends due to your arms length approach.
When I was growing up we had a firepit in the back yard part of my houses appeal when I became an adult and bought a house of my own was to build a fire pit in the back yard. In my childhood our family was host to several people who just stopped by for a visit. It was wonderful especially if they had kids to play with. We hosted many a bon fire party in our backyard where the whole street and neighborhood would come over bringing their new recipes to try and new stories of catching the biggest fish they ever saw. I miss it terribly and since my blog about recreating our own memories so that our children can have some of their own I guess I'm responsible for getting a fire pit in my yard which now I can just buy at Lowes and put away in the garage when I'm not using it although if I lived outside the city you better believe I'd have a shovel in my hand and bricks in a pile beside me. Wasn't always the bonfire though like I was saying sometimes people would just stop by, have something to drink, talk to my mom, we played with the kids in the backyard or basement depending on the weather.
I think it's time to get back to basics. I miss friends calling me up on a moments notice and stopping by. Hardly anyone has done that since the baby was born, either because they think I'm a mangled wretch who isn't sleeping(she sleeps through the night just fine) or they think they are imposing or that it's somehow awkward to invite themselves over. Trust me to all who read this I never take that as a sign of being impolite. Invite yourselves over any time. Here's the hard part that no one wants to hear and several of you will criticize me for but I really mean it! SLOW DOOOOWWWWWNNNNNN! America has this thing about always being first and the best like the entire world is a competition and to an extent in some markets that's true but hasty products usually fall flat anyways we want quality something that lasts so if they slowed down I wouldn't mind a bit. We need to be able to feel like we can breathe. The worst part, we are responsible for that breath entirely. You and you alone choose when to slow down how to slow down how long to slow for etc. Can't keep blaming everyone around you when you have a mouth that can form the word no just like everyone else. Afraid to disappoint other people? Don't be your health and well being is more important to people who really honestly care about you and they'll be fine with it if they aren't fine with it question the honesty of your friendship with them.
I'm pretty easy when it comes to people slowing down taking time and dropping by all I ask is for a phone call. If my hair is messy and I still have pjs on it's nice to pretend that I was ready the whole time lol. Although on some days I might not really care that my hair is messy I have raccoon eyes or that I'm still wearing Mickey Mouse and my friends will love me anyway.
I really want to go back to visiting which means I need to start inviting myself over for a visit too and now that the kids are going back to school look out, you may be on my list!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
What time is it?
It has been approximately 14 months since I have been alone to myself and healthy. I say healthy because at the beginning of pregnancy (which for me is almost half) I feel like a child who just ate a worm and chewed into it for the first time see what it really tastes like. Nauseated, tired, I pretty much lived on water for the first half of my pregnancy and forced the occasional piece of toast or cracker.
Anywho, it occures to me last week that I deserve to go out and not with my kids or my husband just out. My husband of course observes that I haven't spent any time with my friends like I should be in the last year either and maybe I should have a "girls night out". As long as it's a movie or dessert for a couple of hours was my reply. Anything relaxing and almost mindless is what I need right now. Just imagine sitting in the middle of a big white bubble in the middle of space and floating around. Now that would be ideal for me right now. But mindless movies and sugary treats are a nice 2nd. ( Actually a nice second would be an hour long massage but I don't have friends that I'm that close to here yet lol)
After much debate with several individuals I opt not to see any drama, I already feel like Kathy Hepburn from Golden Pond most days, and decided on an action comedy which is the perfect mixture of my two favorite Genres. Even though I am excited to spend time with an old friend that I hardly get to see or spend time with I am comfortable enough and secure enough to see any movie alone just fine.
Lots of you out there are cringing right now at that statement or even thinking of names to call me (loser) or feel sorry for me. Don't. I discovered when I really thought of going alone that it didn't scare me AT ALL. I was delighted to realize that I am secure enough in who I am and the relationships that I have with friends and family not to care about the strange woman with her 6" heels and soft blonde hair staring at chubby poofy dry haired me with her makeup all arranged in model perfection vs my dark circles under my eyes due to the thunderstorm that kept waking me up last night. I'm totally fine with it.
That leads me to a question. Are all of you secure enough in yourselves to go out alone. Alone alone. Out to a restaurant for a full on meal or the movies or dancing or whatever you like to do. I challenge you to do so. Who said you have to care so much about what other people think? They aren't you, they don't know you, judgement is futile, pointless, a waste of time. I think that will be the BIGGEST regret that some of us have at the end of our lives, all the things we wanted to do and didn't out of some illogical fear that everyone is staring at you. Trust me, they are all so focused on themselves these days they didn't even see you walk in the door. Get out there and live your life! What time is it I have to go?
Anywho, it occures to me last week that I deserve to go out and not with my kids or my husband just out. My husband of course observes that I haven't spent any time with my friends like I should be in the last year either and maybe I should have a "girls night out". As long as it's a movie or dessert for a couple of hours was my reply. Anything relaxing and almost mindless is what I need right now. Just imagine sitting in the middle of a big white bubble in the middle of space and floating around. Now that would be ideal for me right now. But mindless movies and sugary treats are a nice 2nd. ( Actually a nice second would be an hour long massage but I don't have friends that I'm that close to here yet lol)
After much debate with several individuals I opt not to see any drama, I already feel like Kathy Hepburn from Golden Pond most days, and decided on an action comedy which is the perfect mixture of my two favorite Genres. Even though I am excited to spend time with an old friend that I hardly get to see or spend time with I am comfortable enough and secure enough to see any movie alone just fine.
Lots of you out there are cringing right now at that statement or even thinking of names to call me (loser) or feel sorry for me. Don't. I discovered when I really thought of going alone that it didn't scare me AT ALL. I was delighted to realize that I am secure enough in who I am and the relationships that I have with friends and family not to care about the strange woman with her 6" heels and soft blonde hair staring at chubby poofy dry haired me with her makeup all arranged in model perfection vs my dark circles under my eyes due to the thunderstorm that kept waking me up last night. I'm totally fine with it.
That leads me to a question. Are all of you secure enough in yourselves to go out alone. Alone alone. Out to a restaurant for a full on meal or the movies or dancing or whatever you like to do. I challenge you to do so. Who said you have to care so much about what other people think? They aren't you, they don't know you, judgement is futile, pointless, a waste of time. I think that will be the BIGGEST regret that some of us have at the end of our lives, all the things we wanted to do and didn't out of some illogical fear that everyone is staring at you. Trust me, they are all so focused on themselves these days they didn't even see you walk in the door. Get out there and live your life! What time is it I have to go?
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
WHAT?! are you wearing!
So I have this thing every month where I take one of our older two children out once a month with just me to do whatever they feel like doing. Movie, salon, play, roller blading, whatever they want. This past weekend was my 'date' with my 10 yr old son. I asked him what he wanted to do his answer, to my surprise, shopping. We have this deal the kids have their own bank accounts with me as the primary parent on the account and whenever they want to go shopping we transfer money from their account to mine, it keeps their accounts safter with no cheques or bank card as well as teaching them to be responsible, and I in turn hand them cash.
So, we go to the mall, which I dread because it's always overcrowded on the weekends but still go anways, and we start in the JC Penny store. I love JC Penny. They have the uncool flowery ew gross I'd never wear that section, the skimpy only my husband can ever see that anyways so why spend the money for it section, and last but not least the fat lady, don't you wish we made better clothes for you, section. Of course we don't head for THAT section right away we 'window shop' in the boys section after all it is his day. My son is actually very practical and smart when he shops with his own money vs using mine. I hear "woah that's too much money for that" or "maybe I should save up and get this instead". Every mom loves to hear those words it shows maturity. He sets his sights on a pair of jeans which usually mom has to pick out his size for him and he found his own size as well as picking out a couple of shirts and a vest. Then I ask the dreaded question. How much of that do you need? To which his reply was a sheepish grin and he in turn put some items back on the shelf leaving him with his nice pair of jeans and a tshirt of oscar the grouch.
Now it's my turn. Now I just had a baby 4 months ago and this is real life not Hollywood so although the weight has been coming off its slow. I did however lose all of my initial weight gain from the pregnancy in the first week or two but now I'm going for 'extra' being that I have extra to spare and the spare has got to go!
Keep in mind though that I'm no the least bit interested in obsessing over what I look like cause let's face it I have to look me in the mirror every day not you and I have to be comfortable in my skin not you so I don't really care what YOU think I look like. I am in the I just had a baby fat lady section and the first thing I see..........low rider shorts. What!? Why would any fat woman in her right mind want to wear low riding anything so that her ponch can spill over and flap around in the wind airing itself out on a hot day? Tell me what stupid human thought this one up? Stupid people are a serious pet peeve of mine although I'm tolerant and polite to their faces.
Back to the clothes. Obviously with my view on low rider shorts looking at them is a waste of my time so I move on to tops. I am as they say in between sizes which is annoying at any size so I have been keeping the size that's on the roomier side than the one that's not quite there yet in my opinion. I don't get fat lady designers today though everything looks so cute on the rack but then I put it on and find some obscure place that they've put a pocket that even Cher herself never would have thought of. So with my son in tow and getting annoyed that we're even shopping for me at this point I grab some shirts and a pair of shorts , against my better judgement, and set off to the fitting room.
I start with a nice almost see through but not enough not to buy it smokey blue shirt that actually has style to it and put it in the ok pile moving on to another shirt that also fits well but for some reason is extra extra long on my and feels like a skimpy dress more than a shirt but if I wear it with a skirt won't be so bad so into the ok pile it goes too. Then on to this blousy looking thing with some weird scrap of material I guess I'm supposed to use for a belt. Hideous I look like Alice Cooper in a bad shirt definitely in the no pile. Then the afformentioned tshirt with a weird pocket that Cher would never wear so why am I trying it on? In the no pile. Then the shorts. I start with the left leg then the right leg and pull....pull.....pull....dag nabbit! The low rider shorts! I thought I had grabbed the ones beside that were NORMAL. They barely cover my a** and are shoving fat in places that even the fat is scared and doesn't know what to do. Embarrassing but true. Definitely these go into the no pile.
Seriously with an episode like that and a 10 yr old son saying "Mom are you done now I want to go to the bookstore" leaving JC Penny was all I could think about.
It did end well though, the shopping experience. We went to that Body and Bath store where they have 8 workers for one store all armed with some sort of spraying device or lotion and they plaster you before you can say a word or even maneuvre out of the way. When you go left they go right and when you finally escape one you only turn around to get smothered by another. I smelled like the store by the time we left but we did have fun joining in and spraying the tester bottles alllllll over the store towards the workers. Yeaaahh see how you like it lady!
We ended at the bookstore per my son's request and standing in line with only one person in front of us and like 6 people behind us tapping their feet he suddenly pipes up, "Hang on Mom I'm going to put this book back and grab spongebob instead." Greeeaaaaat ok hurry I say as the 6 people glare at me with he better make it back by the time you reach the till faces. As the people in front of us end their purchase bag in hand my son ruuuunnnns toward the till almost jumping the book display to get to the counter and notices yet another nick nack backing up to grab that too. The 6 people behind us are now whispering to each other things like " I knew it, what is this lady's problem?, if I had a kid like that," but we still made it through safe and sound with our embarrassing experiences, mostly mine, and now standing in 100 degree heat smelling like 12 different fragrances and sweat.
So, we go to the mall, which I dread because it's always overcrowded on the weekends but still go anways, and we start in the JC Penny store. I love JC Penny. They have the uncool flowery ew gross I'd never wear that section, the skimpy only my husband can ever see that anyways so why spend the money for it section, and last but not least the fat lady, don't you wish we made better clothes for you, section. Of course we don't head for THAT section right away we 'window shop' in the boys section after all it is his day. My son is actually very practical and smart when he shops with his own money vs using mine. I hear "woah that's too much money for that" or "maybe I should save up and get this instead". Every mom loves to hear those words it shows maturity. He sets his sights on a pair of jeans which usually mom has to pick out his size for him and he found his own size as well as picking out a couple of shirts and a vest. Then I ask the dreaded question. How much of that do you need? To which his reply was a sheepish grin and he in turn put some items back on the shelf leaving him with his nice pair of jeans and a tshirt of oscar the grouch.
Now it's my turn. Now I just had a baby 4 months ago and this is real life not Hollywood so although the weight has been coming off its slow. I did however lose all of my initial weight gain from the pregnancy in the first week or two but now I'm going for 'extra' being that I have extra to spare and the spare has got to go!
Keep in mind though that I'm no the least bit interested in obsessing over what I look like cause let's face it I have to look me in the mirror every day not you and I have to be comfortable in my skin not you so I don't really care what YOU think I look like. I am in the I just had a baby fat lady section and the first thing I see..........low rider shorts. What!? Why would any fat woman in her right mind want to wear low riding anything so that her ponch can spill over and flap around in the wind airing itself out on a hot day? Tell me what stupid human thought this one up? Stupid people are a serious pet peeve of mine although I'm tolerant and polite to their faces.
Back to the clothes. Obviously with my view on low rider shorts looking at them is a waste of my time so I move on to tops. I am as they say in between sizes which is annoying at any size so I have been keeping the size that's on the roomier side than the one that's not quite there yet in my opinion. I don't get fat lady designers today though everything looks so cute on the rack but then I put it on and find some obscure place that they've put a pocket that even Cher herself never would have thought of. So with my son in tow and getting annoyed that we're even shopping for me at this point I grab some shirts and a pair of shorts , against my better judgement, and set off to the fitting room.
I start with a nice almost see through but not enough not to buy it smokey blue shirt that actually has style to it and put it in the ok pile moving on to another shirt that also fits well but for some reason is extra extra long on my and feels like a skimpy dress more than a shirt but if I wear it with a skirt won't be so bad so into the ok pile it goes too. Then on to this blousy looking thing with some weird scrap of material I guess I'm supposed to use for a belt. Hideous I look like Alice Cooper in a bad shirt definitely in the no pile. Then the afformentioned tshirt with a weird pocket that Cher would never wear so why am I trying it on? In the no pile. Then the shorts. I start with the left leg then the right leg and pull....pull.....pull....dag nabbit! The low rider shorts! I thought I had grabbed the ones beside that were NORMAL. They barely cover my a** and are shoving fat in places that even the fat is scared and doesn't know what to do. Embarrassing but true. Definitely these go into the no pile.
Seriously with an episode like that and a 10 yr old son saying "Mom are you done now I want to go to the bookstore" leaving JC Penny was all I could think about.
It did end well though, the shopping experience. We went to that Body and Bath store where they have 8 workers for one store all armed with some sort of spraying device or lotion and they plaster you before you can say a word or even maneuvre out of the way. When you go left they go right and when you finally escape one you only turn around to get smothered by another. I smelled like the store by the time we left but we did have fun joining in and spraying the tester bottles alllllll over the store towards the workers. Yeaaahh see how you like it lady!
We ended at the bookstore per my son's request and standing in line with only one person in front of us and like 6 people behind us tapping their feet he suddenly pipes up, "Hang on Mom I'm going to put this book back and grab spongebob instead." Greeeaaaaat ok hurry I say as the 6 people glare at me with he better make it back by the time you reach the till faces. As the people in front of us end their purchase bag in hand my son ruuuunnnns toward the till almost jumping the book display to get to the counter and notices yet another nick nack backing up to grab that too. The 6 people behind us are now whispering to each other things like " I knew it, what is this lady's problem?, if I had a kid like that," but we still made it through safe and sound with our embarrassing experiences, mostly mine, and now standing in 100 degree heat smelling like 12 different fragrances and sweat.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Stop it!
So I was perusing around some facebook photos and comments from several different posts and asked the simple question. Am I the kind of mother that I really want to be?
My mother, her ears are probably burning knowing that I'm talking about her right now as I write this, was very fun and resourceful in hers and my younger years. She used to bake, cook, clean, sew, take us to the park, weed the garden and flower beds, do laundry, makes us waffles and cream of wheat and homemade cinnamon buns yum. She was also quick with the wooden spoon and had a killer glare.
It wasn't until later in life that I missed all of these things because my mom got a job. I remember thinking how cool it was at first. We finally get store bought milk and bread and stuff we never got before because it was always homemade. It was exciting and fun, at first.
As time rolled on and I grew up to my mid teens I really honestly missed my mother. I missed coming home from school and seeing her in her chair fixing a button or reading a book. I missed the smell of fresh bread baking and the big Saturday breakfast. It took me until then to really appreciate everything she had done in my younger years to the extent that it should have been so thankyou Mom seriously from the bottom of my heart for all those things you did and how hard you worked in the home it was not unnoticed by me.
Now back to the question. Am I the kind of mother that I want to be?
Well the answer is no. I think I try real hard and I'm not perfect and I am DEFINITELY hard on myself. But the answer is still no. I can do better. I can have a cleaner home, better planned meals, and more quality time with my kids. I can do it all. I know I can. But then I start to look around and think of all the things I'm doing wrong, since I'm a challenge to myself, and all that ends up happening is frustration and disappointment. I feel utterly overwhelmed at my life. And what's worse if I do something that bothers me then I have to either live with it and move on or work and work at something that I just can't be good at.
The truth is I would like to be just my mother was when I was little. I want to teach my daughter to bake and sew as well as throw a mean curve ball and shoot hoops. I want to teach my son to open doors for girls and respect women as well as how to bend that ball between the goal posts. But quite frankly I never seem to have the time. So what's keeping me from being the mom I want to be?
The world. Or at least my view of it. My kids don't even know that I spend more time living up to societies standards of what a parent should be than my own. They don't even know that they've been missing out. How often do we get consumed with emails, text messages, phone calls, parent teacher meetings, our favorite tv show, and the list goes on? I want to say to the world GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! You heard me!
What's worse, now that I'm making a real effort to spend time with them, it's too late. I mean I've always done lots of fun things with the kids we've definitely had our moments. But not enough of them. My daughter has no interest in learning how to cook when I have the time to teach her but has all the time in the world when I'm consumed with something or other that I have to take care of. Don't get me wrong life happens and it isn't perfect. But I think it's time to get back to tradition. Mom's if you can please stay home. It means the world to your children when they grow up and realize you were always there for them and they will have a desire to be home and raise their children too. They will remember the time you taught them to ride a bike, swing on a swing by themselves, how to bake a loaf of bread.
It's like the old saying goes, give a man a fish he's full for a day, teach a man to fish and he'll never hunger again. Let's teach and do all the things to and with our children now so they have the memories we enjoyed for themselves. And in the process we get to relive our own. Maybe that's the true fountain of youth. Reliving your youth with the youth you've created.
My mother, her ears are probably burning knowing that I'm talking about her right now as I write this, was very fun and resourceful in hers and my younger years. She used to bake, cook, clean, sew, take us to the park, weed the garden and flower beds, do laundry, makes us waffles and cream of wheat and homemade cinnamon buns yum. She was also quick with the wooden spoon and had a killer glare.
It wasn't until later in life that I missed all of these things because my mom got a job. I remember thinking how cool it was at first. We finally get store bought milk and bread and stuff we never got before because it was always homemade. It was exciting and fun, at first.
As time rolled on and I grew up to my mid teens I really honestly missed my mother. I missed coming home from school and seeing her in her chair fixing a button or reading a book. I missed the smell of fresh bread baking and the big Saturday breakfast. It took me until then to really appreciate everything she had done in my younger years to the extent that it should have been so thankyou Mom seriously from the bottom of my heart for all those things you did and how hard you worked in the home it was not unnoticed by me.
Now back to the question. Am I the kind of mother that I want to be?
Well the answer is no. I think I try real hard and I'm not perfect and I am DEFINITELY hard on myself. But the answer is still no. I can do better. I can have a cleaner home, better planned meals, and more quality time with my kids. I can do it all. I know I can. But then I start to look around and think of all the things I'm doing wrong, since I'm a challenge to myself, and all that ends up happening is frustration and disappointment. I feel utterly overwhelmed at my life. And what's worse if I do something that bothers me then I have to either live with it and move on or work and work at something that I just can't be good at.
The truth is I would like to be just my mother was when I was little. I want to teach my daughter to bake and sew as well as throw a mean curve ball and shoot hoops. I want to teach my son to open doors for girls and respect women as well as how to bend that ball between the goal posts. But quite frankly I never seem to have the time. So what's keeping me from being the mom I want to be?
The world. Or at least my view of it. My kids don't even know that I spend more time living up to societies standards of what a parent should be than my own. They don't even know that they've been missing out. How often do we get consumed with emails, text messages, phone calls, parent teacher meetings, our favorite tv show, and the list goes on? I want to say to the world GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! You heard me!
What's worse, now that I'm making a real effort to spend time with them, it's too late. I mean I've always done lots of fun things with the kids we've definitely had our moments. But not enough of them. My daughter has no interest in learning how to cook when I have the time to teach her but has all the time in the world when I'm consumed with something or other that I have to take care of. Don't get me wrong life happens and it isn't perfect. But I think it's time to get back to tradition. Mom's if you can please stay home. It means the world to your children when they grow up and realize you were always there for them and they will have a desire to be home and raise their children too. They will remember the time you taught them to ride a bike, swing on a swing by themselves, how to bake a loaf of bread.
It's like the old saying goes, give a man a fish he's full for a day, teach a man to fish and he'll never hunger again. Let's teach and do all the things to and with our children now so they have the memories we enjoyed for themselves. And in the process we get to relive our own. Maybe that's the true fountain of youth. Reliving your youth with the youth you've created.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Explain Yourself
So as most mothers/wives know we reach that point in our lives where enough is enough. We've done about a billion loads of laundry by now. Washed our umpteenth dish and if we have to hear "Mom, he/she is hurting me!" one more time we just might snap postal worker style. Just now I was in the kitchen you'd never know that I spent over an hour cleaning it this morning because I was hoping by some stroke of magic luck that the people who messed it up would actually want to clean some of it.
No such luck.
My question is this. Families, do you not see us working our A**es off to cook for you, clean for you, drive you around, listen to your weird obscure stories that we blank out half the time on because we're pretty sure we've heard this before, made your beds and last but not least wash, dry, fold and sometimes iron your laundry? If you do see us doing all of these things, and I think you do we all know you notice even though you're trying to pretend you weren't there like OJ Simpson, then why for heaven's sakes, or mine, do you ignore it? Worse than that. Why do you go out of your way to put your clothes that we just washed on the floor that we just vaccumed covered in dirt from the shoes that we just asked you NOT to wear in the house? Why do you use every single cup in the house as if there's some elf that keeps the cupboard filled with them and it will never empty, my name is elf, and cover the counters with crumbs from the toast and sandwiches that you 'never made Mom I swear'? Why? No really I want to know.
If you appreciate your Mother or your wife or significant other then please for the love of Mike PICK UP AFTER YOURSELVES. That makes alot more time for us to listen to the stories we've heard before, drive you around while you scream in our ears hoping that we don't run into the guy in front of us because someone's toy just rolled under the break, and can spend what you call "quality time" with you. Isnt' that why you interrupt us constantly in the first place?
No such luck.
My question is this. Families, do you not see us working our A**es off to cook for you, clean for you, drive you around, listen to your weird obscure stories that we blank out half the time on because we're pretty sure we've heard this before, made your beds and last but not least wash, dry, fold and sometimes iron your laundry? If you do see us doing all of these things, and I think you do we all know you notice even though you're trying to pretend you weren't there like OJ Simpson, then why for heaven's sakes, or mine, do you ignore it? Worse than that. Why do you go out of your way to put your clothes that we just washed on the floor that we just vaccumed covered in dirt from the shoes that we just asked you NOT to wear in the house? Why do you use every single cup in the house as if there's some elf that keeps the cupboard filled with them and it will never empty, my name is elf, and cover the counters with crumbs from the toast and sandwiches that you 'never made Mom I swear'? Why? No really I want to know.
If you appreciate your Mother or your wife or significant other then please for the love of Mike PICK UP AFTER YOURSELVES. That makes alot more time for us to listen to the stories we've heard before, drive you around while you scream in our ears hoping that we don't run into the guy in front of us because someone's toy just rolled under the break, and can spend what you call "quality time" with you. Isnt' that why you interrupt us constantly in the first place?
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
The other day
The other day I was thinking to myself wow I used to be in a lot of sports. I mean A LOT OF SPORTS! I think I've tried just about every sport there is to try with the exception of "professional wrestling" which we all know is like watching our kids fight over the tv remote. I remember loving soccer played it for years and to be honest I felt I had the perfect body when I played that game nothing jiggled I could run the whole game without wheezing or my legs screaming for an axe. I also loved volleyball with the acception of the 'holier than thou' coach I had it was a lot of fun hard on the knees not sure I'd do it now other than to spike the ball at people like Mel Gibson or my ex. There was basketball which I was pretty good at and enjoyed until again an unfortunate coach whose mouth got her thrown out of games all the time so we were left to 'coach' ourselves aka boss each other around and get in cat fights while still trying to win the game. That must have been fun for the refs huh. But lately I feel to tired and too blah to get the energy to do all of those things anymore. But I do love tennis, my knee and shoulders don't they squeak and crack every chance they get. But the thought of having more control over that tennis ball than my opponents can be a lot of fun. "Run hubby run why are you slowing down?" Says the chubby girl with the squeaky knee and pint of sweat on her face to the tall, handsome, skinny man who only breaks a sweat if it's hot enough.
Maybe I'll take up skydiving. I hear it makes you feel lighter when you're flying though the air like a marshmallow in a gust of wind.
Maybe I'll take up skydiving. I hear it makes you feel lighter when you're flying though the air like a marshmallow in a gust of wind.
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