A surprising Triumph!

Today my baby girl who is 2 years old decided once again, as she does on many occasions, going to take her diaper off and run around with nothing but her dress and the wind. I took this as an opportunity since she does it so often not to put another diaper on her at but instead encourage her to use her new Elmo potty. The Elmo Potty has a big picture of Elmo on that back of the toilet with a yellow "cup" as the toilet and a flushing handle that makes hooray and flushing noises. Very stylish for a 2 year old. So we went several times to 'visit' the potty and sit on it to make ourselves comfortable. When I started singing the ABC song she looked at me like I was nuts so instead we just sat there. Every time she got up I would ask her to sit back down but not force. Very important that they choose to sit. In between 'visits' she would wander around doing her usual things and I kept a close watch on her not wanting my furniture or carpet to receive the brunt of any 'foul odorous' play. She kept going back and forth back and forth and I decided to get up and make myself a drink since this could be a while. As soon as I do my little girl sat and went to the potty for the first time! I could have complained that I wasn't there but instead glorified in her triumph! Her reaction was not as simple and sweet as mine however. She came out crying and genuinely concerned that she had um wet herself a little bit and was really very upset. I kept on smiling and praising and reassuring her what a good girl she was and what a great thing she did and she smiled and lightened up. For about a minute. Back to the I'm wet and crying here mom. I was so thrilled and also puzzled that this baby girl was so tearful seeing and hearing that her mother was overjoyed with excitement and glowing with that motherhood achievement. She's only been 2 yrs old for a month! This is spectacular what she did! I took off her dress while she continued to cry and cheered and helped her flush her pee down the big potty and wash her hands like a big girl and she would smile here and there. I just couldn't stop giggling at her reaction. She even held her knees together as she cried like she was ashamed at what came out and holding her knees together might stop an encore. Sooo unbelievably funny! It wasn't until she had another diaper on that she calmed down and next thing I knew she had her hands in the air cheering hooray. What a funny little girl and a great surprise triumph!!

Happy Anniversary My Love

Over 8 years ago I met this guy but not in how most of you say, the conventional way? It was just a website and a meant for someone else conversation. I know I was trying to message a friend in AZ about a rafting trip that all of us wanted to do. Some of us had just met each other at a Single Adult conference and some of us had been chatting with some of them on this chat site and had invited them up. Was a great dinner and fun weekend for sure! Anywho, I had some friends over that night and we were chatting to all of them about the cost of the trip etc. I ran to the kitchen to grab a drink of water. Funny thing is I remember all of this clearly. What I don't remember clearly is Nate having a window open on my monitor and I had asked HIM if he was good at saving money cause this trip might cost a little bit. Oops. Still not sure if that was me that messaged him but accidents happen. Didn't care, I thought cool hey the more the merrier can't exactly say nope you can't come now could I?

I think I chatted to him maybe a few times more on that site on occasion. He and I exchanged MSN addy's and presto! A conversation started that lasted about oh 2 1/2 months I guess. I finally felt comfortable to give him my number, what he doesn't know is that I was thinking if he harasses me all I have to do is change my number so no worries. But his accent!! Smooth, sweet voice. I used to beg him to call me when I couldn't sleep cause his voice and demeanor were so soothing to me it was like a lullaby and I could pass out no problem.

Eventually, after several im's, emails, phone calls I thought it looks like this could turn into something but I wanted to let him know I can't do online dating thing for two reasons. One I had no idea what it was or how to go about it cause I been dating for a long time and never with a computer lol. Two, I refused to have an "online" relationship and had heard of people doing that and just horror stories of how it turned out and I had two little ones to think of so um no.

He bought a plane ticket. Came just after spending Christmas with his family where I'm sure they asked a million questions I feel bad for that lol. I remember almost missing him. I was doing a crossword puzzle at the gate and was really into it and frustrated with one word when I looked up and around I saw that most of the people had come out so I looked around. He was sort of hiding behind a tall guy and a pillar. I already knew he was scruffy looking, nothing a razor and some scissors couldn't fix lol. I remember feeling anxious in a good way and, to my surprise, calm. Yes calm! I should have been a nervous wreck who am I? I've never done anything like this before! But there I was calm.

My kids really got along with him well. My dad did the dad thing in the living room where he could talk to him, I felt 16 again NOT in a good way but considering the circumstances I understood. What really reassured me was that both of us had never heard of nor done anything like this before so that was a big plus. Hated to think he was one of "those" where you meet people all the time online and in real life you abandon them. I had heard some stories lol.

When he left the storm came. My ex had pulled me aside at one point after meeting him and said you can do better. You can do better than most men in this world you deserve someone you don't think you deserve. That got me thinking. Then there was the long distance, he was in Chicago, I was in Magrath. Then I remember feeling really really scared and I started to cry uncontrollably so much so that I had to pull over on my way home from the airport to collect myself. What if he was mean to me like the others. What if he was easily convinced not to trust his own instincts and always follow friends, easily controlled. I hate that and I certainly wasn't up for how that made me feel. What if he hurts me and hurts my kids, maybe not physically but emotionally. I must have sat there a good 40 mins going over everything that had happened since my monitor was showing his profile and a window that I don't remember opening.

I prayed a lot for guidance. I fasted a lot to hold a strong weight to my prayers because I was very serious about this guy now, very sweet, goal oriented, hard working, and yes believe it or not, the accent lol. I decided eventually to just let the chips fall where they may. Have a little faith. Lots of phone calls later I had the opportunity to fly to Chicago where I spent most of my time sleeping, I had noooooo idea being a single mother had worn me out that much. Slept while he was at the lab and we went out when he came back I really enjoyed it! I had to admit I'd fallen in love, with Chicago. Duh, was already falling for Nate hallo!

On the phone before Chicago a very personal experience that neither of us could explain, even now, occurred and both of us new that this was how it was supposed to be. We had been meant for allll of this to happen all along and brought together by a much more powerful force than the internet. Guided. Almost like matchmaking.

In Chicago he presented me with a ring. I didn't really see that coming we were watching a movie and his head was on my lap. He just kind of rolled over with a ring and proposed. Was sweet and simple just how I like it. No frills. I don't mind frills on occasion but for the most part I prefer simple. And this was perfect.

We had our date set for May 20th. Invitations sent for wedding and open house. Then all the "stuff" I HAD to do for a wedding and reception started to take over. I noticed that we were both more edgy. We started fighting a lot. And not over anything particularly important either lol. Just tense. On the morning of April 20th, 2004 we called up my Bishop at work and scared him into a nervous shake. We said we want to elope to your office in a couple hours Bishop. We already have our marriage liscense. What do you say? Silence. "Are you serious right now cause my hands are starting to shake?" Lol. Nate said he would rather just get married in jeans and tshirt than have to go through all the wedding stuff and I agreed with him. He wore a suit. I on the other hand wore a red tshirt and a black jean skirt, jeans and a tshirt. Immediately after we were married my children asked Nate, Can we call you Daddy.

Happy Anniversary Hubby. Such an amazing beginning to our story in this life and in the eternities. I feel lucky and blessed everyday just to know you and be a part of your world. I'm grateful for you beyond measure. Here's to forever sweetheart.

When to Use Past Experience

Now of course all of this in my opinion nothing more. It's an interesting thought when having current conversations with your friends, children, or family members that are seeking advice or help when to "spill the beans". Is it at all relevant to bring up your own mistakes in your past experiences to anyone once the matter has already been settled? Do you leave your past in the past? Or do you allow them to hear from your "closeted memories" in hopes that they will somehow learn a better and more insightful lesson than you did? Big dilemma.

I've had several friends and family members over the years ask me millions of questions about pretty much everything. How did you know when to get your divorce? Now that was a fun one. I simply said it was just time to move on. I didn't have the heart to say well I had this huge gut instinct that my ex was cheating on me and when I finally got him to admit to it the divorce thing was already on the table because not only could I see he didn't really care about me or our children but as a result I stopped caring about him. Plus he had an extremely violent temper that part I usually try not to bring up, too painful.


I've had individuals deeply in love with their spouses, who are great with their children and sweet and considerate to them ask me what to do to avoid divorce or even the thought of ultimatums. Ultimatums are hard. There are a lot of men out there, for example, that cringe and get angry when they hear or even think that word. But how do you know when to do it? I hated that conversation but by the same token, and in this instance yes she was a she lol, I simply told her to discuss all of these things with him. It doesn't do any good laying everything out on the table in front of someone that can easily see what they would do with it. How does that help her at all? Suggestions maybe but even then sometimes I feel like I'm crossing the line. How could I have told her well, it sounds to me like you need to tell him how you feel, be honest, knowing in my head that if that happened to me, the same situation, based on past experience instead of being patient with him and waiting and pleading I would have laid out the facts and said choose.


I've had people come to me and ask why can't I find someone? In this instance, a man. Is there something fundamentally wrong with me is the most common question I think he asked. I myself have been through many "dry spells" with the absence of dating and sometimes even the absence of interest in dating. But all of these things are so personal and sometimes I really messed up. I don't blame myself for every relationship ending but I do blame myself for my part in it. I think how we react to things is just as important as initiating it. Do I say things like, oh yeah that's happened to me, everyone kept saying to me is this too shall pass and it did I just had to be patient. And although that's true there was a part of me that was always thinking you know what man? It sucks. It bites big time and I have had the same rant and rave you're having right now wanting God and every person alive to answer me with a solid answer why can't it be me so you go on ahead and rant baby. I'm behind ya.

What do I do when my kids ask me personal questions about if I've ever done....? Am I supposed to tell them the truth? Avoid the question? Answer obscurely what? My parents were never really honest with those questions when I really needed the answers and I don't know that it helped me that they would get angry and change the subject and say its none of your business, which it wasn't. I would just go off and find out cause that's how I am. "No one's gonna tell me fine! I'll find out for myself." That's what terrifies me. These are my kids, my DNA is in there somewhere. So far I've been truthful and told only what I needed to to get the point across. I hate lying. I'd rather be a mean old crone than lie lol. Granted I can't control how it's received only what I share but should I have shared or should I have found a book for them to read instead?

When is it ok to use your past experiences? Do I let sleeping dogs lie or bite the bullet and open the closet?

I need more discipline in my life

Now when I speak of discipline it's usually directed at my children, or other people's children who seem to be getting ignored but that's another post. I need to discipline me.

I often spend most days, like so many others, thinking of all the things I need to get done and feeling overwhelmed before I even start. I get so excited on the days I have nothing scheduled on my calendar but then I get bored and think of all the other things I should and could be doing around the house, the yard, some book studying, anything but sitting there. I need discipline.

I need to discipline my mind first because as you all know thoughts lead to actions and if you have too many at once you write it all down so you can't forget the list of things you need to accomplish and quite frankly I'm just sick of lists. How do I discipline my mind and my thoughts, which technically is all I have control over in this life anyways, to create new habits that feel productive?

Shortly after that thought another occurred to me. Maybe I need to wake up at the crack of dawn and scrub my floors by hand. Break myself down a little bit through lots of hard work so I can have the opportunity to be open to something new. Most of us have experienced hard work on our own it's almost therapeutic at times giving us time to think. New thoughts, new ideas, new habits. Maybe I'm being selfish with my lists making them the way I want them to be and doing the things that I think I should be doing. Maybe I should be spending my time opening my mind to things the Lord wants me to do not only for me and my family but to serve Him. Maybe I should start helping Him instead of waiting for Him to help me. They always tell you that life changes start small so, I'm going to start with scrubbing the hard wood floors. See where it leads me.

You are better than I am

Lately I look around me and think...you are better than I am. I see my husband he's perfect! It's irritating and comforting all at the same time. Yes he has faults but when I compare them to my own he's better than I am. I look at friends around me going through tough times, rising to the occasion and finally coming into their own in amazing ways and I think, you're better than I am.

I look at me these days and see effort that comes just short of success. Despite extra effort at times or life changing knowledge or any amount of hard work, still stuck in this hole. I talked about that hole a few blogs ago that might help you understand a bit better what I'm talking about. I have grown leaps and bounds in my lifetime though so I can't complain about that. I am struggling with the absence of success in any aspect of my life albeit I feel incredibly blessed at the same time.

My plan of what I think I should do is apparently not the same as what He thinks I should do and I have been searching, hoping, pondering but still, stuck. But I see all of those around me who put effort in and get wonderful things out of it makes me so happy for them! Can't help but smile, even now just typing it. Joy fills my heart about it. So many amazing people around me. Some not so cool too but there's a balance in all things right? lol Even you. You are better than I am. I have a lot to live up to and running out of time to do it.

Despite any lack of success, I'll keep going. Even if it's pointless, or futile, or a waste of time. I made a promise to try. Try I do and try I must. Would be nice to get a reward or two now and then though wouldn't it?

Time to Change the Game

Crucial and important in every parenting life. When to let go, how much and what kind of consequences am I willing to accept on my teenagers behalf? I'm at this important cross road in parenting. Where I've taught all the basics repeatedly as well as some helpful extras based on my own experience in life and feel that the rest is up to their own experience and from here on out the bulk of the responsibility should be theirs.

I might have some of you disagreeing with me and that's fine. You aren't me with my experiences and you don't know my children like I do so feel free to disagree all you'd like. For those of you who know what I'm talking about feedback is key and I would love to hear everything you have on the subject including experiences of your own.

My personal opinion about this subject is it's just time to let go. I accept they'll make mistakes. I accept that they will learn and grow in leaps and bounds at this age. I'm still here if they need me, when they need me, even if they don't think they need me lol. I'm ok with that. Feels good, like I'm making the right decision at the right time. I know that schools and parents usually go directly to the parents of the child that may cause problems with their own children but maybe that's not how we should be doing this. Maybe the conversation at this age needs to be had directly with the child, parent/school present, but hopefully not out of rage or anger. If rage or anger is present perhaps allow the school or church leaders to handle it first on your behalf. In my personal experience when parents are angry it only makes matters worse. My first instinct has always been to speak with the child with their parent present directly it's more informative and usually more honest.

Now this is all well and fine that I have reached and achieved this moment in my life concerning my oldest two. But that's only 1/4 of the battle. My husband and I need to be on the same page and see this the same way. I'm totally up for the kids know how my household gos now there is just no reason to think it will go any differently. You spend a lot of time figuring out what works for everyone and compromising it would be a mistake. Rolling with individual situations is one thing but you need a base, a foundation in your home first that doesn't move or change so they know what's expected of them in the first place. I'm at the part where the rest is up to them.

The other half of the battle is for my kids to accept it. I will either get all smiles and then they'll mess up big time and I'll have to "adjust the dosage" if you will lol. Or I will get the look of shock and what do I do now look. To be honest I prefer the second it means they will proceed with a little more caution lol. I'm just tired of arguing with them over what they can and cannot do. They can do lots of things if they take care of what's more important first and they know this it's been taught all their lives thus far and will continue as such.

How are they going to learn to be more responsible for their choices if I don't let them take the bulk of the consequences?

Nice to Know..

With everything that keeps going on in my kids lives it's hard to keep up. Who likes who, who's your friend and who's not, it's tiring. Also a bit worrysome at times. Which clique is picking on my kids and which clique are my kids in? Stuff like that. I usually just brush it off what else can I do right? But lately it seems to be in so much of the conversation at dinner, teenagers grow into it quickly don't they?

Yesterday I had the greatest thought though! Here are my kids and they are smart, respectful, we hear praises from the teachers at school all the time on how well mannered and helpful they are. They have their tiffs and don't always get along with each other but that comes with the territory of growing up in close proximity to each other would happen to anyone, we've all had a roommate or two in college that we just couldn't seem to get along with or like. It hit me. My epiphany. They're going to be okay.

A huge smile crossed my face, worries melted quickly and for once it was nice to see the product of years of teaching, diaper changes, feeding, driving, consoling, tickling and words of encouragement. They're going to be okay. They're going to mess up sure, but they have good heads on their shoulders and someday they'll find the spouse of their dreams and have a family of their own.

It sure makes me miss my Heavenly Father. The longer I'm here on the earth the more I learn and realize who He is. He's the most splendid individual I have ever had the honor in meeting or belonging to and I hope someday I see Him again on a much more equal level. Which of course means working my butt off in this life time but that's ok. For Him? Anything.