Am I Doing the Right Thing?

Children are such a blessing and a special gift.  They make us laugh, they make us cry, they challenge us to our very cores most often than not.  We try to encourage, direct, enforce, discourage, and challenge them back as much as we can.  It's an honor to be a part of their lives, watch a human being grow into an adult with ambition and passion about life all their own.

But I am sooooo tired.  I find myself sacrificing everything for my children all the time.  Sounds great that I do that right?  But at what cost?  What good am I to my kids if I over do it?  We are going through, still, that part of toddlerdom where they keep changing their sleep habits and keep trying to go back the one they liked .  You know the one I mean.  The one where they are up til the wee hours of the morning and sleep in. It's like teenager practice.  Due to our eldest daughter's schedule this is just impossible!  We are up around 5am every morning so to stay up with our toddler or allow her to stay up past even 9pm we really struggle to keep going.  Expecially me.

I see my husband get to the end of his rope after trying to help her relax and calm down.  We have literally done everything.  Her nighttime routine is awesome and she does really well with it until all of the sudden the last few nights it doesn't phase her.  So we thought about and decided maybe if we begin a half hour earlier doing her routine it will help.  It's worse!  I feel like a walking Zombie that turns into pumpkin guts after 8:30pm.

Her routine is as follows, 7:30 bathtime, we have noticed if we miss this it's a longer struggle and I'm hoping adding lavender baby bath will help.  At 8pm we walk around the house with her turning off all the lights so she can see we are shutting the house down for the night.  We figured making her a part of that would help her eventually understand this means everyone needs to be thinking about bedtime.  It worked for a while but she could care less now.  The slightest interruption of her bedtime routine and she thinks we've cancelled bedtime lol but we continue on.  Then we put on one lamp, the same lamp every night, and we read to her in quiet and calm voices to help soothe and relax her.  I have always read to my children at night since our first was born so this habit is easy.  Of course the oldest two read on their own before bed now.  Then if rock and quietly sing to her until she's asleep which usually took maybe 3 mins but just to be safe we do it about 10 even if she's fallen asleep.  The whole thing takes maybe an hour and a half at the most so we are usually at 'free time' at 9pm at the latest.

I am having a hard time putting my foot down when she refuses to calm down or sleep and handing her off to hubby while I go to bed.  I'm the one up at 5am dealing with the oldest kids, making sure they are eating breakfast, helping them with lunches, driving daughter to seminary and then high school.  When I get back I am making sure hubby is up and help him with his lunch and breakfast and send him off to work and our son off to junior high school.  I try to make sure our baby girl is up shortly after that so that she naps earlier and shorter so that when we hit 7:30pm she'll be ready for bed again.  I am finding that so hard lately though having stayed up late with her and getting up early with the others.  I try not to but I'm always falling asleep on the couch or in the chair or wherever I am after everyone has left for the day which means she sleeps in.

Is it worth me staying up late to help hubby out if she's not asleep by 9?  Am I spreading myself too thin?  I could be grouchy during the days but I choose not to be.  I just endure the best I can until she falls asleep, aching to nap with her lol.  Doesn't always work though, some days I get a second wind just when she conks out.  Then by the time she wakes up I've been thinking about napping quickly before she does.  I'm getting to the point where this is going to affect my health.  If I don't get the sleep I need my body can't rest and heal like it's meant to.  I keep thinking this is just temporary though, she's growing every day and the longer we stick to her routine the more likely it will be that it will be her habit.  Her body will just catch on oh it's time to sleep now.

She's not even overstimulated before bed she plays quietly to herself after dinner.  During the day she runs around a lot and plays with everything.  We tickle, we chase, we challenge her knowledge of things.  I feel stuck.  I don't want to abandon hubby at night but I need to be there in full capacity from 5am on the next day.  Am I doing the right thing sacrificing my sleep for my kids?

Reconnection

How on earth do we allow ourselves to get so busy?  I get having kids and everyone has their schedule and that's cool I don't mind.  Last night my husband and I thought man we are so stressed out!  We need to find 30 mins a night to just talk to each other uninterrupted.  You know what?  We could not find a time to do it on any day of the week!  We spent 30 minutes trying to find a time of day we could talk for 30 minutes. So unbelievably sad.  So I spoke up after we kept going around in circles about the whole thing and said you know what we need to MAKE the time.  Other peoples schedules and lives will just have to wait.

We are totally committed to doing this!  It really bothered us that we struggled to even find 30 minutes a day for each other we have so much going on.  But we finally have set aside a time each day to at least sit down and talk to each other, not silly small talk, really speak with each other about stuff going on with us.  It's nice to have time to find out what's really going on with each other, even if there is no advice to give or any way to really fix the problem, it's nice to get that love and support from one another.  It actually makes me feel like I can breathe a little easier just knowing I get that time with him and it's ours and ours alone.  Great way to help relieve stress and problem solve, together.

When we got married we decided that we wanted to take at least one-two vacations a year, time and money willing, alone together and it's been about 4 years since we've had that time and money to do it.  No excuse really.  We should have done the same in the past few years with vacation time as we did with our 30 mins a day.  MADE time for each other no matter what.  Sometimes we get distracted from the things that are really
important to us and keep pushing those more important things to the wayside constantly repeating to ourselves we'll get there another time.  I'll fix my daughter's bike later, I'll paint that room another time, I'll get my food storage organized another weekend, I'll go with my spouse away for a weekend when I'm not so busy.  The list can go on for years, as we've discovered, and definitely not to our benefit.

Now we have 'a plan' and we recognize that plans change but we are very stubborn about our time together being that it feels like we haven't really seen each other in years lol.  We will find time to speak to each other every day uninterrupted, we'll hide if we have to!(don't look for us kids you can handle 30 mins)  We'll find time to date a couple of times a month to do those things that we enjoy.  ( other couples welcome leave your kids at home) And we will always make time, from now on anyways lol, to have a couple of weekends at the very least alone together. ( Grandparents are awesome aren't they?)  We are both anxious and excited to make this time for each other.

When you find the one you love and value and can't live without, please, MAKE the time for each other.  The world will just have to learn to hear the word NO and be forgotten now and then.  Families are above all other priorities and if I don't have that connection with them, if I don't try to keep building those relationships then this world isn't worth it in the end.

Wow I dated that guy?

If you offend easily and think you know me don't read this lol.

I recently been on a kick with a couple of friends of mine, mostly me, looking up old boyfriends and people that we've dated over the years.  The first thing I noticed was my reaction to everyone I found.  By the way google rocks!  Nothing sacred, you can't hide from it!

Anywho, my reaction was always a puzzled expression, a little nausea, and a what was I thinking?  Granted some have done very well for themselves and these some I still consider friends of mine so being happy for them and their beautiful wives, their gorgeous children and their amazing careers is easy.  The other some, however, I'm confused as to what I was thinking about.  I keep thinking someone was very convincing back then as to what kind of a person I was looking for.  High school wasn't so bad there were very few I really liked and I realize thinking back some of these considered 'catches' were pretty cruel to me so I'm not sure what the point was of dating them in the first place other than I had been convinced I was something I wasn't.

To those of you I dated in high school, don't be so offended, I'm sure if you really thought about a lot of the girls you dated you'd be having the same thoughts going through your own mind.

I was never truly comfortable with anyone I dated except maybe one or two and I never dated them long enough to find out if I really liked them for some dumb fear that others would judge.  How ridiculous is that?!

I did notice, that in my young adulthood, dating was a lot quicker for me.  That's probably not a good thing.  I really was one of those girls you like, you finally have the courage to ask out, and then that was it.  I was very standoffish as a young adult.  I just wanted to have fun!  When things would get serious or anyone would speak of the M word I would back out slowly and do my best to convince whomever I was with that I wasn't worth it and to dump me so I didn't have to hurt their feelings.  I'm sorry if it does now but who are we kidding I wasn't right for you!

I thrived on spontaneity back then.  Doing things spur of the moment for shock value was fantastic fun to me.  I liked keeping people on their toes.  The only problem was, I bounced around a lot because I got bored so fast.  I'm sure I had plenty of girls and guys labeling me behind my back but I never really cared about it.  I was too busy trying to have fun.  Then I was forced into growing up by my own hand.  While I was having all this fun I had to change.  I remember being terrified and angry.

I knew when I was young I was not the marrying kind.  I had no interest in it.  I watched friend after friend go away to college or marry right out of high school.  Almost made me ill at the thought.  Just wasn't for me.  Oh sure I was happy for them, ecstatic!  But it just wasn't for me.  Even after my divorce I really enjoyed spending time with friends and dating whomever I pleased again.   Thriving on responsible spontaneity if that's possible with two kids.  It was great!  I found a group of friends that were perfect for me.  We could talk about anything, fight and still laugh at the end of it all, and we loved and still love each other very much.  I miss them terribly and yes things had to change.  But things are never weird between us we literally pick up where we left off and continue on even after years of separation and I love that!

Then I met my husband.  Looking back now at all the boys and men I've dated or wanted to date or dated for extended periods of time, makes me soooooo incredibly grateful for my husband.  He's cute, extremely smart, has a great career as a physicist which so far he enjoys, is thoughtful and kind and protective and I love him more than anything.  Sure he doesn't play any musical instruments or dance very well, and those of you that remember I can dance yo, but he's perfect for me.  He allows me to run free like that be me, he loves me the way I am not the way I pretend to be.  Letting my guard down with him was amazingly easy for me and he's the only one in this world that can calm the storm in me with his soothing voice and sweet nature.
So unbelievably grateful that I found him after all this time and how the M word with him was like second nature to me.

So Lucky to be her Mother

From the moment my oldest daughter was born almost fifteen years ago I knew she was something special.  Those of you who have truly gotten to know her, know exactly what I mean.  She came into this world lit up and her smile........is pure sunshine from the time she was a tiny thing.

When she was about 4 months old she was playing on her quilt on the floor.  I don't think up to this point I had left her side unless she was in her crib.  I was enamored, smitten.  Such a beautiful baby with such a happy disposition.  I was very protective of her.  Still am.  A heart like hers is hard to find, if you knew it like I did you'd be just as protective of it.  She remarkably put her foot in her mouth that day on the floor and I realized it was the same as a picture my own parents had taken of me when I was that age.  So I took a picture of her.  It's one of my very favorite pictures of her and I.

Once we moved out of our basement apt from the city into a house in a neighboring town I thought how great it would be for her to have all that space to learn to walk and run in and to have her own adventures.  Our backyard was huge!  Over the years I watched her learn and grow.  She loved Teletubbies and Dragon Tales and Caillou when she was little.  Of course she loved Elmo as well.  She loved playing with her cousins as much as possible.  Didn't like the attention her knew brother was getting when we brought him home from the hospital.  She had a lot of conniptions over that.

We unfortunately, when she was in her early toddler years, had to insist that her father move out due to his bad temper and drinking which led shortly to a divorce where I was granted sole custody so we were on our own.  Blessings come in different ways and at first we didn't recognize what a big blessing this would turn out to be.  Believe me when I say we did much better and had a much quieter, safer home after that.  The three musketeers!

My daughter has always been friendly and outgoing to others.  It was rough in grade 2 when two girls in her grade called her unspeakable names and I watched her grades go from A's to F's.  These two girls had told their mothers it wasn't them doing anything and their mothers instead of speaking to the principal, who was not only aware that they were bullying my daughter but had already spoken with them about it, called to harass me.  I hung up.  No sense in being yelled at and not getting a word in edge wise.  I called and spoke with her school principal and her teacher who were both doing their best to keep it at school and deal with it as much as they could but since these two girls had added their mothers the principal had no problem adding them to her office and telling them what was really going on.  I remember thinking that these girls really needed someone to correct their behavior and help them to be better people instead of not really caring which one mother eventually did and I commend her for.  Takes courage to admit a wrong and try to correct it.

That summer and the following school year my daughter made tons of new friends including one of these girls that bullied her.  I was impressed.  She never held it against them.  She just didn't understand why.  I remember explaining that maybe if she prayed for them it would help and kneeling next to her and she did just that.  But it did something else too.  It changed her own heart. Made her stronger and more self assured that she was a good person and that she needed to forgive.  Did I mention she was 7 at the time?  Ever since then she has known who she is and what she wants out of her life.  It's beautiful to see such self confidence absent of conceit.

Over the years I have had the honor and privilege of watching her become such an amazing young woman.  Filled with love and compassion for those around her.  Sure she teases but if it hurts peoples feelings and she realizes it she is pretty quick to apologize.  She loves her many friends and works hard to keep them and make them feel comfortable and included around her.  She has high morals and standards not just because Mom and Dad said so but because she pondered what we taught on her own and chose it for herself.  I think her standards might even be higher than mine at the moment and that's saying something.  We have learned over the years that dealing with her in kindness no matter what mistake she's made is the best approach to her learning and growing and development.

As you can see from this blog I've been thinking about her today.  I love my daughter very much.  I worry about her when she's gone and I am always so relieved when she returns and thankful for all the lessons I see her learning from the world around her.  How happy and grateful I am to have her in my life.  She's been through a lot in her younger years, but is has made her strong and courageous, and I love that I get to be around that sunshine smile every single day.  She literally is my sunshine.

President's Day drive home

I went to bed last night with a familiar feeling.  Plugged up nose, sore throat, fatigue.  My cold is back for a second match so let the fight begin, ding ding.  It already won the first match darn it all!  Had me knocked out cold.  I was visiting my husband's relatives at his parents home for the long weekend.  One of his sisters who lives in England visited with her two boys.  I tried to keep up with all of the kids, five altogether.  On the way home I think I made it maybe 15 miles out of the city when I couldn't keep my eyes open.

Then I thought but I hate falling asleep in the van on the road.  I know how many people I make fun of for their drooling wide open mouths and weird positions in the car when they sleep on the road.  Could make a collage with all the funny and ridiculous sleeping I've seen.  Didn't stop my from passing out though.  When I woke I was almost falling off the front passenger seat to the left towards my hubby who I'm sure had that smile on his eager face because he had just had the last hour to make fun of me.  What better time to gloat.  My arms and legs were sprawled out in all angles and corners they could find comfort, and my hair looked like it had been brushed by a chicken.

I immediately sat straight up to fix my hair, I didn't even dare open the visor with the lit mirror on it I just didn't want to know.  I turned to my right to see a trucker smiling at me almost the same face I had seen a moment earlier on my husband's face.  Just perfect when a stranger was making fun of you too.  He's had his entertainment for the year from me.

After what I would call composing myself aka fixing my hair, wiping the smeared mascara, and adjusting my riding underwear, I realized that hubby had made some good time with his driving and that we were already just over an hour outside of St Louis.  Problem.  When you sleep and wake up in a moving vehicle the first thing your body says to you is pull over.  I waited hoping I could hold it.  I'm no spring chicken anymore but I have a strong bladder that's taken a beating from three kids already and still never peed my pants.  So I held it.  Fifteen minutes passed and then a large couple of bumps on the road to which my eyes grew wider and I said we need to pull over I'm gonna burst.  It's really hard to do the pee dance in a car there's no where to really move to to hold it in.

We pulled over 2 miles and what felt like a century later to a local gas station.  These chubby legs don't run often but they did before we even hit park I was out the door and sprinting through the wind and rain to the ladies room.  I was hit with a blast of what smelt like a years worth of dirty diapers piling up in the trash can grabbed my nose and kept going.  Now all I could think about was that smell.......

Ode to my Valentine..

I was fortunate enough to be blessed with meeting a particular individual that made me feel calm the moment I met him.  I remember it well.  The first time I laid eyes on him was in the Calgary airport.  Long hair, long untrimmed beard, almost looked like he'd walked right out of the 70's after backpacking somewhere.  Scruffy carrying a duffle bag.  Then I saw those big beautiful blue eyes.  They lit up the room, they sparkled.  I was intrigued.

He has a luscious South African/British accent and the tone of his voice puts me at ease.  Like listening to a familiar lullaby.  I couldn't stop smiling.  I couldn't stop asking questions to hear that wonderful voice neither could I stop staring at him.  The voice didn't match the appearance, but it did match those eyes.  We could talk about anything or nothing it didn't matter.  You could tell he was nervous around me, so adorable.  He couldn't stop staring at me either.  It was like staring at a familiar face that we'd met before but had forgotten.

His childlike and kindhearted good nature was just what my two children needed.  They were enamored the first time they met him.  I felt like a teenager moments later when my father asked to be left alone with this, beautiful stranger.  Asking him several questions, getting to know his personality.  The children chattering excitedly to Grandma in the next room.  Me 'getting a drink of water' with an ear peeled to the next room.  I remember feeling peaceful, happy.  Not something I'm used to feeling at the beginning of a relationship.  Usually my stomach is in knots, I fumble when I speak, and I laugh at everything they think is funny.  But not with him.

This blessing, this special man, was very careful with my heart.  He could see the scars and the battle it had been through.  He could see how fragile it had become.  He was patient and encouraging.  He made it impossible not to love him.

I remember the first time I visited him in Chicago.  I was so happy to get to visit this enormous city even if it was winter and lake Michigan can blow off enormously cold air in the tiniest of breezes.  He wanted to show me around, which I appreciated and enjoyed but really all I wanted to do was kiss him.  Talk with him.  Stare at him and put him into my memory.  Curl up with him listening to music.  Talking about anything and everything or nothing at all as long as we were there together it didn't matter.

I discovered on this trip that he did not have a way with words.  He acted so nervous and funny.  Saying things that were so off the wall and instead of being angry I couldn't help but laugh.  What an adorable man I thought. Near the end of the trip whilst watching a film and fumbling around with his words, came the ring.  The most magnificent South African diamond ring.

I realize that in my life there is a certain cycle to things.  The second something good happens to me a mountain slide of bad must follow.  During the engagement there were several periods of long separation mixed with high anxiety.  We eloped.  Best decision we ever made.  Sure our parents could have been mad, but instead they found it romantic, sweet, and a wonderful happiness.

I am grateful for my sweet husband, my rock, my joy.  I am grateful for his undying love for me, for our children.  I admire him all the time in everything he does.  I still secretly enjoy listening to him speak.  I sneak long stares all the time when he suspects nothing.  I even do the dreaded watching him sleep occasionally.  My beautiful angel, my strong heart, my everlasting love.  How I cherish you.

A Work still in Progress

Having been so ill I really didn't have the opportunity to do much else this past week except lay on the couch drinking plenty of fluids with the box of tissues, the garbage can, and the remote.  Well, I did have lots of time to think though.  Contemplate memories and decisions past.  Analyzing them all.  Thinking to myself on occasion man I could have done that better or I should have fought harder about that.  It all came down to one thing.  If I had to do it all over again, I would have fought a lot harder for myself.  Been bolder and less afraid.  There were so many incidents that could have not only been a better situation if I had been that way sooner but might never have happened at all saving me a lot of grief in the process.

Thinks don't just happen to you.  They happen yes but we are always in control of our reaction to it.  In some cases we just don't know how to react to certain situations and go blank.  Maybe we say something stupid that causes permanent damage to a relationship or maybe we cause physical harm that we didn't need to out of fear like a reflex reaction.  Maybe we didn't react at all and should have.  We always had the control of our reactions.  Not everything we do goes smoothly but sometimes just knowing that you have the power to control the situation on your end helps a little bit.  We don't always have time to see all the moving parts at the time.

Strength, true strength has very little if anything to do with physical being but rather intelligence, truth, how you handle yourself in times of adversity.  Are you patient and kind when people don't understand you right away?  Are you secure enough in yourself not to worry what people say?  One might measure wealth through a paycheck and costly possessions, another on the years of hard work spent to obtain it.  One might measure strength on the size of the muscle or how scary he might seem to others, another will measure it through tears of grief in public over a fallen family member or friend without fear and is kind to everyone around him using peace instead of violence to overcome intense situations.  One might measure power through his ability to control others, another by his ability to control himself.

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands in times of challenge and controversy."  Martin Luther King Jr.

I have noticed that I shy away when I think the person next to me is a giant.  They have better ideas than me ( or shoot mine down and make fun of it), they have had more experience than I do ( because they have lived longer on the earth than me), and they are more confident in who they are than I am ( they look better in this dress than I do and as a shallow result probably have more friends).  I hate that I do it but you know you do it too.  It IS the same as passing judgement!  Not only am I judging this someone next to me and putting them on a pedestal but I'm judging myself against them (pointless really) and shrinking in their shadow.  You don't have to be a large person, have the most money, be the most prestigious.  You don't have to own the biggest gun, the fastest car (not that I'd mind that) or have the biggest brain.

All those things are awesome and great but we can't take them with us, they wear out, break down, looks fade, retirement comes.  All we are pretty much left with is what we left behind.  Our truths, our passions, our joys, our sorrows,  our experiences ( write in your journal I beg of you!) and our regrets.  I don't know about you guys but that last one really bugs me.  I don't want to be 38 years old thinking about all the things I shoulda, woulda, coulda done and didn't.  I don't want to look back and see me shy away from any shining moments that I should have fought for.  That could have been great to leave behind!

 I am in the process of learning my own strength, finding my own place.  It's a constant work in progress in every aspect of my life.  In my own life's experiences and challenges I have worth not just to me but to others.   I have the right to fight for my place in the room.  I have a responsibility to share the knowledge and understanding that I gain throughout life and pass it on regardless of how it's received.  As I mentioned in the beginning I control my reactions as do you controlling yours.  I am completely comfortable in my own skin on this topic at the moment.  I am learning and will continue to learn to own my place in the room regardless of outcome.  If everyone else does the same there will and can be room for all of us.