Copy of Christmas Letter to All..Merry Christmas!

Greetings and Salutations from St. Louis!

It's been a busy year this year starting with our little Catherine turning a whole 1
years old in March. Shortly after that she was walking. She's about 21 mos old now and a very busy girl. She loves to sing and dance and already knows how to work the stereo. She has recently even learned how to put on her own shoes and is still working on putting on her jacket right side up she gets her arms in there just upside down.

Dyllan began middle school this year ( junior high) and is a very bright student. At
our first parent teacher conference all they had to say were wonderful things about how loved he is by the other students and what a bright and intelligent boy he is. We were floored. He has also received the Aaronic Priesthood at the end of October and is in the office of the deacon. His first time passing out the sacrament had him pretty scared but the older boys were great helps to him and he's got the hang of it now.


Brittany. She's 13 now and definitely a teenager. She is in her last year of middle
school and has been preparing for high school. The students in 8th grade recently worked with the school counsellors to choose their classes for freshman year. DuBray is a wonderful middle school, very well organized and I know she has made a lot of friends. She's also been doing great with her studies this year. Way to go Britt! About 2 months ago Brittany and several girls her age walked 12.5 miles from the Missouri Bottom Trail to the St Louis Temple. All of the girls were exhausted but I have never seen our Brittany so determined to accomplish something so important to her. We were glowing.All of the girls were exhausted but I have never seen our Brittany so determined to accomplish something so important to her. We were glowing.



Nathan is still working as a laser scientist at Northrup Grumman here in St
Charles. The company has been struggling slightly at the end of this quarter but the
future still looks good and “people are still buying. It's the nature of the business.” He recently had surgery and handled it fairly well. Was fun trying to talk to him with his “happy” meds kicking in. I don't think anyone ever makes any sense in that state. He is still very busy with his ward callings as the Financial Clerk and Priesthood instructor on Sundays.(yeah right only on Sundays)


As for me, I have a blog that I write on all the time at
www.squaringself.blogspot.com where you can follow what I'm doing, how I'm coping and
everything going on with me. I'm a slow writer compared to typer so it's like my journal of sorts. I myself have been struggling with hyperthyroidism since about August, that we know of. It makes you tired, nervous, anxiety ridden, gives you a fast heart rate and makes you hot. ( not like that but I am already you didn't have to point that out) I have been on medication to help my heart cope with my thyroid and have recently undergone radiactive iodine therapy to treat the thyroid and won't know much until February I'll keep everyone posted on my blog. I look forward to being able to sleep someday soon.


From our family to yours, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. We hope this
finds you well and look forward to hearing from you. Stay safe and warm.

Finally

Wow did I really get some sleep there? I never usually sleep more than 3-4 hours at a time so I guess professionals call that interrupted sleep. Well I had about5 hours of uninterrupted sleep. To most of you this is nothing to cheer about but for me? Whoooohoooo!!! The worst is over, so far. I have a dr apt tomorrow and I guess we'll talk more then on the 'what next' agenda for me health wise.

The most disconcerting part of all of this was my toddler's reaction to it all. "What do you mean no? Why can't you cuddle with me?" Was awful. Hard on both of us for sure. But, there is a small silver lining. I have two older children and have already learned when there are temper tantrums just let it ride. If they are causing physical harm all you do is move them to an area that has less stuff to throw at you lol. I have learned to wait it out and not take it personally so when she was throwing tantrums because Mom was 'being mean' to her was no big thing. But I missed cuddling her too especially if she was hurt or hungry or tired and I knew it. Not everyone is a quick learner and not everyone pays that kind of observance to their kids.

Study them once in a while. You'll be surprised.

Day two and counting...

Yesterday was so up and down.

Again with the I'm cold, no I'm hot. Again with the fever feeling adding lots of nausea with it this time. When the nausea would leave I would grab whatever to eat cause it doesn't last long. It still feels like a really bad flu with lots of pain at the base of my neck which is good because that's where the thyroid is.

I have been tossing everything disposable that I touch in my own garbage like a good girl and since no one is allowed to use the same bathroom all my laundry is in there until I have enough to wash some lol. Such a weird experience. Almost like living singlewith roommates. You remember roommates in college right? You have to live with them, you have to share your food and the tv with them. But you can't hug them all the time cause they'll look at you funny and you don't play 'toys' with them. Lol. Kinda like that around here can't hug for too long, asked not to hold the baby since she's so young, and can't hang around the family room and touch toys or watch tv cause even though we can't see it, radiation is present. Although to my understanding I should be more worried about if I sweat around them or share food with them because of saliva. But they "suggested" so I'm trying.

Toddler girl has not been handling this well at all. Yesterday she acted out and cried almost the entire day, broke my heart. Even though her big sister was there to help her out and play with her, didn't matter, "I want my mom". I feel guilty but I keep smiling and saying just a couple more days baby girl then I'm all yours. She has her big brother home today they have this really cool connection to each other that I even knew about before she was born. I have been really blessed with very special dreams that are important to how I raise my children and I'm grateful that I am privy to that information.

Hubby hasn't once been around me, of course they say at least at arms length, you know, 2 feet is good but 4 feet is better kind of thing. He hates it obviously. We are that 'annoying' couple that you see in the supermarket kissing by the apples, and then by the cereal, and then by the milk. You know, one of "those". We believe in public display of affection and people have every right to avert their eyes if it offends them lol. We won't mind either way, we're still in our own little newly wed world. Hope that never changes, but anyways. He literally pouts, grumpy face, bottom lip out. Occasional hugs, tiny kisses. But like I said before, it's for my good, and his lol. This too shall pass.

Hopefully the headache and dizzy will subside. I can handle the nausea, been pregnant before, and I can handle the pain in my neck, not as bad as the biopsy.

Sooooo, what's new with you?

Day One of Radioactive Therapy

I feel like I was just out partying all night last night and never got any sleep. That bites 'cause I never got any of the fun lol.

Yesterday at about 2:20pm I sat in the Radiology department answering doctor's questions and asking a few of my own about the side effects of radioactive iodine. One of which is called a thyroid storm, it kills you. I asked how you know when you're having one. He said you'll literally feel like you're dying. If that happens call the emergency room and get back here as fast as you can (yikes). Then one of the radiology techs brought in a big white lead container with my capsule inside and specific instructions. "Ok here is what you're going to do. You need to lift off the lid and it's heavy so be careful. You're going to take the bottle out of the container, take the lid off, hold it up to your mouth and swallow it. Watch out for the packet in there don't swallow that. When you're done grab your water and help yourself out this door ok?" They literally stood about 8 feet away from me while I took the pill which I'm sorry made me laugh, and then I did as instructed and went home. Trying not to giggle at that experience the whole way home.

Let me just say that radiation, gammas, can be felt a lot quicker than expected. Not quite immediate but soon enough was a weird feeling. As time progressed for an hour or two I actually felt good and was waiting for any of the side effects to kick in. Don't worry. They did. 6-8 hours in I feel cold. Like the flu really cold big time chills. Then about an hour after that I'm hot. Then cold. Then hot. Soooooo annoying! I feel ever worse today though like I mentioned at the beginning. Sore throat, minor ache near my thyroid, and just wiped out. Soo tired.

The worst part about this is, I can't hold my baby girl at all if I can help it and only for short periods of time when I have to. I had to hear her cry for mom when mom and mom couldn't do anything about it. She's used to sharing my food so when I tried to eat some dinner she was angry with me that I wouldn't share. I feel terrible about the way she must think of me right now. The good news is children this age forget quickly lol so I have that on my side. From what I understand this will get worse then get better. I've been drinking massive amounts of water to flush this out so I can be around my family. Some precautions I won't have to worry about in 4 days so that's good.

I'll keep you posted.

Yaaawwwwnnn

Toddlers are fun.
Some of the time.

Last night or should I say eeeaarrrly this morning I was finally permitted by my one year old to fall asleep. Only to be awoken about 4 hours later with "Hey that was a great nap mom let's go play now" in my ear. Even through my complaining though, I have discovered that I really like it when she sings to me. She sung herself and I to sleep and then was singing and chattering to me softly to wake me up. Soooo cute.

By the way have I mentioned that personality wise and big blue eyes to boot my baby girl is literally the cutest one in the world? You can call me biased if you want to but the fact is if you met her and got to know her she'd make you sick to your stomach like eating a pillow case full of Halloween candy because she is that sweet.

I hate how video cameras just don't catch the moments like we see them with her. She is by far the most creative, all out passionate dancer that I have ever met. My oldest two children are somewhat musical. She already sings on key and dances her heart out just like her mother. Gosh I miss being a kid sometimes when I look at her and think of all the things she does that remind me of the things I used to really enjoy.

Here's the part where you say, "Why can't you dance and sing anymore?". It's not that I can't, it's that I'm a lot more self conscious now that I'm older. When I was young I loved people watching me, cheering me on saying, "Wow that little girl is so talented!" But now I just get red cheeks and want to crawl in a hole. But, I'm very proud of my toddler for doing her thing and will encourage it until she can't stand it no more lol.

I, like most of you, have great expectations and ambitions for my daughter all the while reminding myself, 'You can steer her in the right direction, but she has to choose to walk it'. I hope that she's a hard worker, she uses her intellect for great and amazing things instead of how to cheat on a test or sneak out of the house or get her dad to give her 20 bucks every time he sees her bat her eyelashes. You know what I'm talking about. I hope that she's a kind hearted individual and displays her talents proudly, unlike her shying away mother who still regrets that. I'm working on it. I hope that she is sensitive to those in need and has a big heart willing to give whatever she can to help, within reason. I just, love her. I want the best for her. I want the best for all my children. ( sorry about the soap opera line there lol)

I guess after making so many of my own mistakes, like listening to the mean kids make fun of me for being good at something, I worry about them making the same ones. I would hate them not to see their potential and have the confidence to keep going. Took me a very long time to stop caring what other people think. Judge away like I've said in the past you'll never be my judge and jury in the end it will on be on your head. By all means keep gossiping thinking that every word and thought hasn't been recorded by angels to some degree. Please continue. Hope my kids refuse to do that their whole lives and I hope they always see the potential for greatness in others.

Ultimately. Everyone has a choice in the matter. How they raise their children. What they allow in their homes. The kinds of friends they choose to surround themselves with ( hopefully ones that inspire ). The kind of person, human being, they want to be while they are living on this earth. I can always hope and pray for them to do well, to succeed. I can always set boundaries to help steer them and be willing to listen because I don't always have the answers and it's ok that they know that.

So, tell me, how are your kids doing?


P.S. Love this youtube video to your right lol soooo goooood.

Holy Painfulness!

That was THE worst experience in my life so far. Terrible. Painful. It's ok if you call me a baby when you do this with the same doctor I won't say a word.

First of all I had an appointment at 2:15 the doctor didn't even make an appearance until about 3. Then after 10 minutes of talking he administered a local pricking my neck about 9 times trying the "spread it around". He said it would about 5 minutes to kick in and he'd be right back.

15-20 minutes later, he makes an appearance and realizes the nurse isn't here yet so has to hunt her down. Finally with both in the room we are getting underway. It may be a fine needle but let's face it by this time it's been about 20-25 minutes since the local in small but many doses has even been administered and is starting to wear off. The first 2 biopsies I don't feel too bad either than pressure and a small pinch. But the next one. HOLY CRAP and that's putting it politely. Felt funky and cool the first 2 but the 3rd one hurt. I have no description for it. It's like someone stabbing you 3 or 4 times and you could see the doctor was concentrating and trying not to hurt me.

Then he tells me on the 4th one it was bad because I must have moved or turned which I didn't. The 5th time which was supposed to be the last one was bad because I was breathing which is odd because I was literally holding onto the sides of the table and biting my tongue to keep from screaming and when I do that I hold my breath. So finally we get to the 6th one (large needle being poked deep into the nodule in my thyroid about 5 or 6 times to get a sample) and I am just praying to survive and not ball my eyes out in front of them.

Never again. If the hospital looses the samples or anything goes wrong tough! If he ever wants to do that to me again then he has to be 1) on time 2) efficient and timely once the local has been administered 3)don't blame me you're the one with the needle in your hand.

Horrible experience. My neck is still swollen and black and blue. It's still hard to turn my neck and swallow and I definitely didn't sing in church today lol. Coughing and sneezing make me wish I was in labor. Never thought I'd experience something worse than last time I got checked by a nurse in hard labor ( she had lee press ons scratching me from the inside out and all the blood she found was from her) but this biopsy took the trophy.

Now I have "options". If the nodule is cancerous it's nice and easy. Surgery removes it and it's done. Wait a couple of weeks and see if the hyperthyroidism settles down. If it's not then I can either have hyperthyroid drugs that you can only take for 2 years and can ruin your fetus in the first trimester if you becomre pregnant. Orrrr you can opt to take a very high dose of radioactive iodine that kills the thyroid to stop function completely, which will make me radioactive for a week,( can't even sleep in same room as anybody)and will make me hypothyroid for the rest of my life which I'm told by the doctor is much easier to treat and you can get pregnant all you want to.

By the way that myth about hyperthyroidism making you lose weight? Don't listen to it. You lose muscle and bone tissue with hyperthyroidism not fat. Not a diet not a blessing. Instead you also get heart palpitations ( high blood pressure), thinning hair, you're hot all the time, and your tired because you can't sleep. Like menopause with a period. Such a lovely combination isn't it.

Take very good care of yourselves. Don't listen to the donuts or the diet soda or the pizza or the cake anymore. Listen to your heart and your kidneys and your lungs and your liver and take good care of yourself. Fresh fruit and veggies. Lots of water. Make time to rest and sleep when you can schedule it into your day. And lots of walking. Like I said in the last blog walking can solve any problem if you just get off your couch or out of your chair and do it. Call me I'll do it with ya if you need help. That's the bottom line I'm afraid. Do the work and you'll be fine.

Let's Try This Again

I struggle rising with the birds, I'm aiming for 6am. I never have time to walk or run on my treadmill and I'm sure it misses me more than I miss it. But I have decided as of late to get reaquainted with said treadmill and also of course my abandoned alarm on my clock now getting some play time. I find and have always found that if I spend even just 15 mins on the hamster wheel that I have a better more energetic happier day. I would rather be happy than tired or bored so there you have it. I have a doctor that literally told me walking can solve everything. Heart out of wack go for a walk, speeding up your heart rate will put it back in sync the way it is supposed to be. Feel stressed? Go for a walk. It helps you think more clearly and as a result you become a better, calmer problem solver. Twisted ankle or sore joints? Go for a walk it's not a marathon but it will help your mobility and increase your capability to retain muscle. Muscle that you're going to need if you like to be upright instead of a wheelchair. Brilliant.

Believe it or not it's that half hour early in the morning , while everyone else is occupied with sleep or getting ready for the day so they don't bother or annoy me, that I love most about my day. I'm sure it's no pretty sight sweat dripping down my red face, possible drool on the horizon if I'm still half asleep. But I like it.

Another wonderful benefit? I crave water all day long. It's not only good for me and calorieless which is a huge wonderfulness about this wonderful thing. But it also makes my skin nicer. Granted in the fall and wintertime I get very scaly red blotches all over my body and face if you have seen me lately I especially get it under my nose and eyebrows. I'm sure people are wondering why I'm picking my nose so much or if I have a cold but you see, I don't care. It is what it is and moisturizing lotion doesn't change it I have to live with it and if you love me, so do you. Hopefully the water will keep kicking in and make my skin look luxurious I can dream right?

I love fruit and vegetables but they don't keep long in the fridge and I find myself always throwing it out so I'm careful what I buy. I can hear the thoughts in your head agreeing with me thankyou. I refuse to take my children grocery shopping with me anymore unless I absolutely have to stop with them on the way home. I'm such a cruel shopping mother too. I think I say the word no more in stores than I do anywhere else in this world. Terrible isn't it. I would like to be able to have my fruit and veggies on a daily basis and have found that I love them more than the rest of my family so I have opted to simply buy fresh every couple of days and just for me. The worst thing that could happen is they get eaten by the family and I get to find a bag of chips right? (pausing) Nope no chips back on topic.

Now the real question is, am I trying to lose weight? No.

Surprised are we? I love feeling invigorated, dancing, sports, even my sad little treadmill that misses me. I'm more worried that I try and that I aim to improve myself compared to, well, myself. I am not you, you are not me. I need to improve who I am compared to who I have been and who I want to become. Most brilliant thing that.

So I will continue to join the birds in the morning and buy my fruit and veggies hiding them best I can to feast on them and I will continue to crave water and energy. I will continue to exercise my muscles and heart and think more clearly so that I can become a better problem solver or ever recollect things that I need to apologize for. I love this world even if it doesn't love me back. I would love to hear what gets you moving and if you have any helpful ideas.

We Can't Go On This Way

I feel like a failure alot these days. But I try to suck it up and remind myself that I'm doing the best I can. Worry about me not everyone around me. One problem though and it's a doozy. My family is constantly influenced by everyone else around them. We all want it the way we want it after experience and observation of others and ourselves. Hard to achieve.

My kids aren't kids anymore. (sigh) They are teenagers. (bigger sigh) I knew this was coming I expected to butt heads with them but commmeee ooonnn. They are wonderful children don't get me wrong. But sometimes lately they are more immature than their one year old sister and it's kinda driving me nuts. I have been accused of yelling when I have gone out of my way not to and to be calm and speak clearly to them. I have been accused of it always being my fault even when I'm not in the room or don't make a peep. And I hear "No! I'm not going to do that!" and "Make me". Which I do.

I'm not one of those parents that makes a threat and have worked with my husband along these lines of discipline also. We make a pretty fierce team to be reckoned with if you push. I don't threaten. I simply state if you disobey, or ignore, or refuse then this IS going to happen. I love taking away the tv and computer and watching their creative minds thrive. Don't tell them I said that. I love seeing them want to play board games, sports outside, etc vs the alternative of FB friends and weird Disney Channel shows.

I really wish there were more hours in every day so that we had the time to do all those things together we want to. But if the chores don't get done then we all get behind and we all get stuck doing everyone else's work ( laziness another teenage quality) and thus never have the time to enjoy the fun aspects. Like jumping in the pile of raked up leaves before bagging them. Sliding on our socks on the newly polished hard wood floors. Dag nabbit my kids are no fun! I still do those things!


Where in the parent handbook does it say that my kids have to pretend to be adults by not doing anything in good simple fun anymore? Parents take away the cell phones it's a catastrophe waiting to happen. Less accidents just from the lack of texting and talking on the phone while driving which means most of us get a fair chance to live out our lives. That and they think that it makes them older. Reminds me of cigarette commercials. Forgive me for saying this but same crap different pile right? Get them outside turn off the tv play basketball, go hiking, do anything outside. Play in the snow you know how to wear layers and play in the snow stop whining about the cold.

I hope and pray for a better generation. One that holds tight to tradition of families first and electronics can wait. These children have the potential to be absolutlely amazing people that could literally do incredible things for this world and we are ruining it for them with all this stuff. There is so much stuff going on around them they haven't a moment to figure out what they really want and I don't want to send confused children to a post secondary education on my dime and have them clueless. Do you?

I have no problem with the I'm not going to's and make me's as long as I stick to what I believe in and be a good example to them. As long as I make an honest effort. I feel like giving up alot with them because of how the world is. But who said I had to follow the world in the first place? I wish for a more mature attitude from my kids that they will never get if there are no outlets that exclude video games 10 hours a day and cartoon addicts. They need things that build them up in a respectable and intelligent way. Am I the only one annoyed with how kids act today and that so many parents just give up and let them go on this way?

Just Another Manic Monday

Mondays are so anti climactic when it comes to commotion aren't they? All that time spent with family and friends whether it's doing errands, a visit to the library, or yard work. Busy, tiring, fun, chaotic. Then, it's Monday. And it's not like it's a gradual down play either. It's more like a quick jolt! Everyone gets up, has breakfast, gets ready for the day, then out the door. Silence. Well almost, our baby occasionally cries when everyone leaves without her she is such a curious soul and wants to know where everyone is going. But lately it's been more of a bye bye and wave then devious grin. Like her mom I think she's going to earn the nickname 'trouble'.

Have you ever noticed how much extra housework there is on Monday and how overwhelmed you feel. Kind of like coming off a much needed vacation where you had help doing all the work on Saturday but somehow it accumulated and then some on your relaxing Sunday and now there's nothing but piles of mess everywhere. I'm sure it's not just my house every parent can relate. Right? RIGHT?! Not to mention when the kids come home to do their much needed chores which you've already started for them to "help them out" they grumble and whine and give you dirty looks. Good times.

We have Family Home Evening every Monday night (when we don't get distracted lol) and lately we have opted to simply address any situations or problems or even recent questions about, well, anything that the kids might have or be struggling with. Certainly makes it easier to find topics rather than rack my brain after my manic Monday to come up with something on my own. However, the topics get harder and harder as they get older and older and we try to be sensitive to their own ideas and thoughts concerning these things. Lately though, they are getting harder to answer. Some of these things I don't remember even thinking about at their age. Poor kids are forced to grow up too soon it's going to hurt society in the long run in my opinion and as such my husband and I try very hard to arm them both spiritually and mentally for the challenges that they might face earlier than we would like them to.

Sex Ed for example. I agree with some of the things they discuss warning our children about STD's and the emotional stress of engaging such an act at such a young age. Abstinence is supported highly and almost suggested as the best thing for any of them to do as long as they are in some kind of schooling including post grad. We of course add that if you wait until you are married it's not only harder to regret or run into any problems physically and emotionally but that it will make that bond of marriage that much stronger with whom they choose to love and live with for life.
Hard topic to teach but unfortunately they are just that age and I'd rather they heard every angle with parents to make sense out of it with them ( not for them ) than to assume the world has a good head on it's shoulders. Let's face it. It doesn't.

By the time I get to the point of Monday evening where the kids are all sorted out from whatever issue ailed them tonight and they are off to brush their teeth and plop into their beds I feel that familiar feeling. This is the part of the night where I've already been bitten by a zombie prior to dinner and Family Home Evening but the effects are starting to kick in and my mind starts drawing blanks. My husband calls it my floopy phase which of course he enjoys because he has discovered something about me that no one should have ever known. When I am floopy I am bluntly honest to the point that I will allow my mind to run on 'autopilot' and blurt whatever pops into it. Highly entertaining as I'm told. I hardly ever remember what I was saying being that this phase happens before I pass out for the night into what I desperately hope is a blissful deep sleep for at least 6 hours. He might have to start videotaping it for proof.

So there you have it, Manic Mondays are stressful and tiring and apparently in the late evenings on a level of weird honesty lol. How did your Monday go?

How did this happen?

I think I'm being really hard on myself lately. Not sure what sparked it or even how to unspark it really but it's there. The worst thing is I know that I'm doing it and no matter how hard I try to distract myself from it, I can't. Hopefully I'm not the onnllllyy person who has ever felt that way. Am I?

Usually I just go my own way do my own thing live loud and proud put a smile on and everything's gonna be ok. But I can't put my finger on what's bothering me lately and it's starting to consume my every thought. The puzzle. Trying to figure it out. Of course before now I would do that for a couple of days and something would occur to me and I'd have my "aha" moment. But this one has me stumped. Maybe it's just summer. I'll keep you posted.

I Am Because of Them

I've had such cool experiences with kindnesses. I have had such love and charity thrust upon me when I needed it most and I try my best to pay it forward.
Years back when I had no money and was the single mother of two small children the kindnesses were poured on me and mine so much that we ran out of room to receive it. It was overwhelming, inspiring, and uplifting. One Christmas in my small home town we were showered, not sprinkled, SHOWERED with a deck filled with wrapped presents and goodies. I've never seen anything like it. Piles of them everywhere I looked. I literally burst into tears there was really no other reaction for it was there? Sheer gratitude filled my heart.
My mother, a wonderful example to me, has always been the kind of woman that goes out of her way no matter what to help others with her love and kindness and charity. It was a phenomenal way to grow up and experience that. And I'm happy to report I'm a lot like her. Always looking for ways to give and to help and I'm sure somedays my husband feels like my dad used to. Why does she put herself through all that? I'm glad that I'm like her it's compliment to be like her.
My dad doesn't always think this of himself but over the years this man has become a little more tenderhearted each year. I love him for that. I watched him growing up helping neighbors and friends build this shed and that driveway and this house and plant that garden. Tremendous service! That's not little like my oh they're sick I'll make them dinner a few nights to help them out that's full on sunburn body aches all day hard work. Impressive.
And my parents to me are so brave. They don't even see it the way I do but they are. I have that really big it's so enormous it barely fits on this earth I can't trust anyone thing which I lividly hate and have tried to conquer forever and even though I feel like I'm not getting anywhere I still try. So to me their wonderful wandering in my younger days impresses me also. We wandered all over in the summers. LA, Kalispell, whereever. They seemed fearless to me the way they would just wander around these places with us talking to strangers like they were always a friend and discovering the world they were in at the time. I barely go for walks in my neighborhood for fear someone's big dog or some derranged man will attack me. Probably won't even happen but again I don't trust anyone. But I try to be like them when we travel and head to new places and wander around. Even if I'm shakin' in my bones the whole time I try my best.
Oh, and the food. Did I ever tell you my mother is a tremendous cook?! Seriously so lucky to grow up in that household if not for anything else the food. Shes fantastic! I really miss certain things that she used to make that mine albeit delicious don't have her signature on them and as most of you know you can hand out a simple 6 ingredient recipe and it will come back to you tasting and looking different than the next. I miss her beef stew and her cheesecake tarts that she makes at christmas. I miss her corn chowder, I've used that recipe many times and it never tastes the same even if I follow it to a tee. I have that whimsical nature about creating my own spin on or even creating my own recipes from ideas that pop into my head like she does and for that my family is extremely grateful lol.
They are both terrific gardeners. I can't have a garden like we did back home but they really know what they're doing and we're still figuring it out lol. Especially the tomatoes my dad and his dad before him tomato geniuses. I'm working on it. I miss walking to a garden anytime and picking some carrots or peas to snack on now they have raspberry bushes everywhere I miss grabbing an ice cream bucket filling it and using it on cakes or just a Saturday afternoon snack for the fam. And when the corn grows like my dad would like it to lol it's always sweet and delicious. Actually Southern Alberta is known for their corn we actually have festivals based on corn harvest yum.
I feel privileged to be who I am today and know that it was based on their examples to me and some hard work of my own. I hope that someday my own children will look back on their lives with those special moments and reminisce about their good ole days and hopefully they've learned something from me as well that they can continue to teach their children.

Allowed to Be YOU

Aaaallllrighty thennnnn! This one's for the ladies. So ok you're a mom. You're a wife, some of you. You're an adult, most of the time. Annnndddddd you're isolated. Shout out I know you agree with me sistas!

I'm not exactly sure where in the bible or world laws it states that you have to be that way??? But you are. Sometimes you put yourself there because it makes you feel safe and content and in your "comfort zone" using your family as an excuse or a shield or whatever. But! Sometimes it stunts your growth as a person and you know it and you are positive it's your own fault. Don't deny it! And it makes it impossible to create the kind of world that you have always dreamed of since you were 5.

Now yeah you aren't a ballerina or an astronaut or married to a prince or even a frog for that matter but you had goals and ambitions and dreams and hopes and even though the world had a little to do with your new found and overindulged skepticism and restrained optimism you and I both know that you are more to blame.

I refer to an old quote by William W Purkey (yes I know Purkey as in perky)"You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching, Love like you'll never be hurt, Sing like there's nobody listening, And live like it's Heaven on Earth." You know that rock you've created to hide under when you feel ugly or slighted or ridiculed or fat or stupid or all of those other remarks that I know go through your heads? Break it! It is a habit and you HAVE GOT TO BREAK IT! There isn't a female alive that doesn't feel that way no matter how "put together" they look to you. They cry in the closet or shower like you do. They pray for help because they always feel so inadequate like you do. They wish they had someone to talk to, I mean REALLY talk to just like you do. They wish they looked just like you, had friends just like you and envy you just like you envy them.

Granted some of them kid themselves or refuse to stop hiding. But you are not them. You are you. It's time to be the best you that you can be by being the confident person, friend, colleague, woman that you were always meant to be.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of god. Your playing small doesn't serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
- Marianne Williamson

I believe in you.

If you can't say somethin' nice

You all remember the movie Bambi. Everyone knows thumper. Very good advice that his mother gave him that he could share with all of us as children wasn't it. " If you can't say somethin' nice don't say nothin' at all". In other words bite your tongue and keep it to yourself.

However, does that still apply as a grown up? Do we still follow Thumper's advice today? I guess as an adult we have to decide or weigh in the consequence possibilities of our words and responses to others. I am of the mind to say what I think and what I mean to say as often as possible so that everyone basically knows where I stand. I don't have to be rude about it but I have to be honest. I occasionally sugar coat it for ya'll but not always. I think biting my tongue is still relevant on rare occasion when I'm faced with someone I don't particularly care for talking about something I could care less about or discussing something that doesn't really matter or is so high up on my list of petty whining that I choose if possible not to participate.

I'll still listen, when I'm not constantly interrupted, and do my best to share advice if asked or even share personal experience which seems to be the best approach to getting my point across. But lately, I feel short fused if you will. It's like Gordon on Hell's Kitchen he eventually reaches his boiling point after dealing with the incessant stupidity of others, who he darn well knows, know better than that. Same goes for me. People know better than that to go out of their way to judge or whine about another person in our midst or some subject of simplicity not at all important to discuss. Not that I personally feel obligated to run off and tell said person in our midst what people are saying that would sink me to a level of disgust I dare not travel because it will ALWAYS come back to haunt you. But I do reach a boiling point where I have to literally repeat what Thumper's mother said in my head to keep from giving them a royal piece of my mind.

Please let me know of any personal experiences that you have had with boiling point of how others have rudely treated you, family members, friends, or even just topics they CLEARLY know nothing about and let me know how you handled it and if that was the best way in your opinion or warn me not to follow in your footsteps. I find it important to teach through example so if you have a new way of "biting my tongue" so as not to "shut everything down" that would be awesome thanks!

Time's a Wastin'

How extraoridinary my life is.

The older I get the shorter the days become. Just the other day with my husband I was sitting down, like us old folks do, chatting at the end of the day, like most married couples do, and relayed to him my 6 hours of sleep that led to my 6 hour day. I was asking when did the days cut in half? I don't remember any notes or memos or passed laws of any such thing so what happened?

Well I'll tell ya. What happened, and this is my perspective not yours, the universe in all it's hilarity has simply decided to trick me. That's right trick me. Like it's playing some kind of inside joke on me has literally shortened the hours in a day to 12 hours so that I would feel like I wasn't wasting any time. So that I would feel like I've had sufficient sleep every night. So that I would acknowledge that jeepers raising 3 kids, preparing meals, picking up kids from volleyball, doing errands, cleaning house and doing laundry would be a lot easier if I fit them into 6 hours instead of 16.

I hear ya universe. You have a point. If I can fit all of that into a 6 hour day imagine what I could with 24! Sick sick joke is what that is. Sick and wrong.

Yesterday, to my embarrassment, I burst into tears for some unknown reason. There it was started crying still not exactly sure why but I think it's because I'm tired. New mothers remember when you wake up every 2 hours for months on end and feel so desperate for some sleep that you just plain have to cry to survive? Teethers put you on the same roller coaster. But I don't mind because the universe likes to play tricks on me and sometimes it will do a repetitive loop. Ha. Ha.

To my delight, my husband let me be to work it out. You know how husbands can be, men in general. Always looking for solutions and wanting to fix something. Sometimes though, my gentlemen friends, we simply need to give ourselves a moment to feel. If we bury those feelings they grow and we resent you later. So trust me when I say letting us "cry it out"? Very good idea. My hubby is good people he's learned to let me deal and then hug me when I reach for him. Best thing he could ever do for me or I'll never learn to deal will I?

To my great joy, I have discovered something completely wonderful. My almost one year old's personality is growing and changing. She now repeats and copies everything I do. And not just me. Her older brother and sister too. Now I get a chance to catch them in the act muahahahaha. She's almost like a little tattle tale and doesn't even know it yet. It's quite a blessing really that she is the age she is when they are the age they are. When my two oldest are sufficiently set in their teenage years she'll be the innocent 4 year old that tells her mom and dad EVERYTHING! Now you're talking Universe! This I can get on board with.

Now that we have that all settled....about the hours in a day......

Exhaustion

I am exhausted.

You ever feel that way? Surrounded? Every aspect every angle baring down on you, at you? It's like an incessant pack of wolves knashing their teeth and they never let up.
Never.

Somedays you feel in control of them. Somehow you managed to find something that keeps them at bay, away from you. Could be that they are purely entertained by you that day or simply that you figured out a way to fight them off that actually works. But for how long?

I don't mind my life. I love my family I live for them. But unfortunately I think there are some "wolves" in my past and present at the moment. The past ones haunt me occassionally and the present ones are starting to get vicious. I don't mind opinions either I prefer them as long as they are honest and have a valid or relevant point. But this hoshkosh whisper whisper stuff, weird looks occassionally, irrelevant judgement, cause let's face it no matter how much we judge anyone it's never gonna matter or stick anyways just a waste of time. People will see you inadequacy whether you redirect their attention at someone else or not.

Usually I let it roll I don't have to care. But I miss having friends that I can have THAT conversation with. The one where you tell them everything because you can trust them to be honest with you. I have been struggling since moving here to find those people and I did for a spell but now some are too busy and some have moved away thus making it feel like starting all over again. For lack of a better way to explain it I'm tired of starting over in grade 1 over and over again I already know what I'm looking for in friendship and what I expect to put in and get out of it. I just hate that so many adults are stuck somehow too scared to just have that blunt open conversation. So guarded. It puts me on my guard thus making it impossible for THAT conversation with any of them.

Jeff if you read this I miss talking with you all the time. I miss that we could just tell it how it is and it didn't matter that we didn't always agree as long as we let each other get it out and have some fun with it. So many of the people down here have forgotten fun and relaxation. Every time I'm around them I feel like I have to run to have a conversation with them. No attention span whatsoever. And when people you say you trust to their face and they avert their eyes from you or avoid eye contact in a conversation with me are ALWAYS HIDING SOMETHING. It's a very annoying habit and I have no problem making eye contact that's how I get a read on people.

Maybe it's me. The fact that I know what I want out of life and how I want to get it or need to. Maybe it's the fact that I have no trouble making eye contact when I speak to people and if I do ask me what's wrong cause chances are it has to do with you. I'm easy to read. I wear myself on my sleeve got tired of the brick wall I was behind I prefer the fresh air even if some people around me prefer it stale. It's too easy to hide in a screen. I know people that won't answer my phone calls or my emails but they'll answer me on facebook. Even though they might only be a few blocks away or see me on a regular basis. No face to face just occasional facebook comments. It's depressing me.

I prefer one on one conversation without the phone ringing or the tv on. I prefer quiet more often than noise. I enjoy it when baby Catie sleeps then I have the opportunity to just think. Doing lots of housework helps alot with that sometimes you can find a groove and find a solutions to "what ails ya". Not always but it helps. I am trying to teach that concept to my children at this age. I don't want to blow it off and say oh they're just kids they'll figure it out. What ever happened to they're my responsibility to teach?

That brings me to another topic. I have seen how an awful lot of children in my church treat their leaders when mom and dad aren't looking. How they treat other kids their age as well. I have to say where I'm from this kind of crap rarely happens. Parents are strict enough with their own children to see to it that they are respectful. My own children having moved here are starting to act so rude to me and my husband and keeping them in check is much harder. But I must say, I truely love my daughter Brittany. She is such a wonderful example in this household. She won't tolerate any cursing not one thing. Despite how some girls at church treat her she has learned to ignore them and be herself because who are they to criticize? She has great friends at school that love and appreciate her and I believe her example will help others in the long run. Very pleased with that about her. Her and her brother getting on each others nerves however? Totally different thing we'll have to work on that.

I just want to be able to breathe without having to explain why I need the air. I want to be able to breathe around other people who have forgotten how just so they have hope that they too can be who they are without all these labels forced on them. I want to be able to talk with friends but can't seem to muster up the trust in anyone enough to vent the way I'm used to. Although Nate can be a very good venter sometimes better than me. I like blunt and honest and contrary to some people's opinions he has no trouble with that.

I have hope. For a better way, a better life, a better friendship.