Middle Aged

Look up middle aged on the internet and you know what it says?  Suicide rate of middle aged, middle aged suicides and depression, how to stay fit in your middle age.  One second.  ( Baaahahahahahahaha)  Okay, so yesterday I had a 'moment' if you will about my own mortality and aging.  It wasn't even a bad one.

Was driving home from picking up our eldest daughter from diving practice and she was singing to a song on the radio that I've heard several times but don't know all the words to yet.  My daughter on the other hand was singing away with every word and I thought to myself.  I'm my Mom.  I'm the one driving her around to all of the activities she wants to participate in and listening to her sing on the way home.  HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!!  First of all, no ill will to my daughter or Mom whatsoever it was a great and happy moment and reminded me completely of myself at that age hanging with me Mum.  Very cool.  BUT, I realized that I was at the end of an era.

To explain, I grew up fast due to many circumstances in my life all playing a part ( mostly against me ) in my life and I had my fave things that would keep me happy.  Even in young adulthood I had or made time for these things so I guess it didn't really feel like I was a 'grown up' yet.  Responsible sure but not grown up.  I'm sure some of you have had that feeling.  I felt like I was playing house most of the time it didn't seem real, the kids, the husband, the divorce, the eloping with new husband, the moving to St Louis from Southern Alberta.  Felt like a weird blur and all the while in my head I felt the same.  Until yesterday.  It was like running in gym, turning to look quickly at a cute guy and smacking into the wall instead of making the turn at the corner.  Smack!  I'm old.

Here's an interesting part.  I have more energy now than I did as a young mother (what?), I'm not sure what that means but there it is.  I do know that with three kids, one of them almost three, I tend to get my share of exercise and work. ( maybe a little more on the work, ppffft teenagers )  I literally after that moment in the car on the way home thought this thought, who am I now?  My immediate reply in my head was don't go there.  One second.  ( Baaahahahahahahaha )  Okay, so anyways, I feel a little bit grumpy now because I've hit that "era" in my life where I'm in the guts of it now.  Making friends is harder, running is harder, picking stuff up off the floor is harder.  This will be hard work until my youngest graduates from high school and moves out.  Even then it isn't because I have to wait for them to situate themselves in a relatively happy lifestyle before I will feel I can, oh my word can't believe it, retire.  EEK!  (shaking head in disbelief)

I am looking forward though, to possibilities.  That's the great thing about life.  Anything is a possibility.  So many different directions you can go.  Wake up one day decide I don't like this anymore and change it.  BUT!  That's a big but so important this next part, you don't abandon your life to change it. Never.  You pick one thing to change and work on and when you feel like you're comfortably on your way you change another.  You have seen first hand your kids do it all the time growing up.  Do they abandon all their friends and family the second they want something different?  Um, no.  Neither should you.  But you can still pick and dream that you once had, consider the possibilities of it and maybe find out that you want another dream instead.  Because, (hangs head in shame and dismay), you've grown up.  Don't worry about me.  I'll get over it.  I better!

Big perk coming.  I'm older and wiser and still have my wits.  Can blow a kid outta the water with my tongue.  (big smile)  Ahhhh middle aged.