Lazy is a Sour Attitude

Unfortunately laziness is becoming a more acceptable attitude than hard work.  Bugs me.  I see kids who no longer fight for employment and employers who no longer bother hiring teenagers which makes it hard for those teens who actually are hard working to get a job and earn their keep.  Also bugs me.  Alot!  I see video games and television replacing books and imaginations and let's face it Hollywood is all about the writing.  If the script sucks it doesn't come to life but no one ever reminds the kids of this fact they all want to be famous actors not realizing that they are at the mercy of the writers in the first place.  Have to be in touch with your imagination to be a writer.  The challenge is to create new worlds that only exist in your mind not regurgitate what's already there.  Of course Hollywood themselves have gotten lazy now redoing movies more than creating new thoughts and ideas.

There is satisfaction in hard work.  Getting a project started is one thing, but when you complete it!  Best feeling in the world!  Interruptions and distractions are everywhere all the time and can make us excuse ourselves from completing tasks that are more important than our facebook accounts or our tweets.  Sometimes is just plain ok to turn the computer off, ignore the phone.  The world will be ok while you're busy.  I assure you it will still turn, it will still progress, it will move on.  The whole point of these technologies interestingly enough was for work.  Teams and team leaders that needed to be in constant contact with each other on various projects to get them all completed well and on time.  Even they are distracted by angry birds and candy crush apps showing a fall in production.  It's a choice isn't it.  A personal choice.  Not the phone companies fault, not the technologies fault.  We choose it.

The Godhead doesn't want me to be that way, I don't want my kids growing up that way.  He expects me to work hard, keep my home clean and organized, educate my children about the world in a safe environment.  I expect it of myself.  It's not always perfect, it doesn't always work out perfectly but we're not perfect so that's okay with me.  But we try, we work hard, we make a solid effort and we don't just give up if it doesn't work out the first time.

Having moved into a house that we didn't design or build you spend most of your time trying to make it yours.  You start with paint easier and cheaper.  Then you add furniture, odds and ends, personal touches.  Even then it's a constant project and big and expensive undertaking.  To be honest it makes me wonder why we bother with buying houses and mortgages rather that just renting and saving and building when we can then at least you start off with something you like the way you wanted it, but that's besides the point lol.  My oldest kids, when the microwave handle fell off, taped it back on lol.  They were gonna stretch that microwave for all it's worth understanding the value of the things around them.  When we talk about home improvement projects they get excited to help, now if only they were that excited about their day to day lives and keeping their rooms clean.  But when asked to complete a project as a family they are always on board.  In fact, and I love this, my kids get so mind numbingly bored of their electronics because they prefer hanging out with their friends and actually conversing with them, in person!  Face to face!  Albeit Just Dance is a favorite for them but at least they're moving which I like.

When they come home from school they have a determination to take care of their homework and chores right away.  They choose it.  Started out years ago as a rule when they were in elementary school and now that they're in high school they see the value in it and choose to continue that way.  To work hard on their education and help out around the house.  They aren't perfect everyone has their day where they just wanna sit around.  Even then, they play with their little sister, they tidy up when they see a need and they offer their assistance with whatever their parents are doing. I am so unbelievably grateful for that!  I rarely if ever have to get after them anymore they just understand the value of hard work at this point and recognize how it makes them feel to have a job well done.

When we leave this earth we only take with us our knowledge, what we've chosen to study and learn.  About the gospel, about the world around us, about ourselves.   In the end we rise only with what knowledge we've accumulated before our death.   Executing what you've learned, the hard work, is where you gain the experience.  We are here for the experience.   I prefer an enlightened mind to a lazy attitude myself.  Hopefully you feel the same way.

Just Sitting Here Thinkin'

I was so tired all day today, and nervous, and a little stressed.  Tired because....actually I'm not exactly sure.  You see Hubby has a very bad cold and has opted to vacate the bed to spare me his disease which I think is the SWEETEST thing.  However, last night he slept in the bed so I'm wondering if there was coughing or tossing and turning that might have made it impossible for me to deep sleep.

Nervous because I hate speaking in public.  We've gone over this in other posts, I always feel flustered and predict that I'll say the wrong the things.  I always want to run away after I speak, it's very strange I admit.  I feel like I'm going to be judged and criticized to the hilt when that's probably not the case at all.  All in my head right?

Stressed for my children.  I remember high school and high school exams.  No matter how much you think you know and how prepared you think you are you never seem to get the grade you expect on your finals.  Tonight I spent time with our daughter going over what she needs to be able to do and comprehend in American Lit.  I didn't mind it I actually quite enjoying teaching, albeit on a smaller scale.  I'll keep working on that public speaking thing.  It bugs me that I'm always so flustered.  Anywho, tried to go over proofs with our son for his geometry class.  I say tried because sometimes he gets defensive when you try and check up on him or offer him some help when you see he needs it.  I get it, fifteen years old, independent.  I just wish I had the magic words to 'soften' him up a little bit and accept the help or at least someone who is willing to help him study the things he's unsure of.  If not me at least someone.

Today instead of Christmas Caroling, which is something our family loves to do, we and our worn out selves all fell asleep and had nap time.  Can't say I minded.  It's like a preview to Christmas Break.  Still really looking forward to  the sleeping in, the lazy afternoons just spending time together, the food.  Working on planning the day before Christmas Eve thinking about seeing a movie with the whole family.  This will be 'MissToddlerPants' second movie in a theater.  It's so fun and exciting to see children experience new things like the movie theater.  They see all the people, the popcorn, the posters and videos playing in the hallways, the big screen.

I remember having a drive-in where I'm from.  Green Acres Drive-In I believe it was called there in Lethbridge, Alberta.  We used to pop a big brown paper grocery sized bag full of buttered popcorn and sneak it in along with a bottle of soda and some plastic cups.  I remember seeing a double feature once.  Grease 2 and Lady Hawk with Michelle Pfeiffer.  Loved them both and pretended with all my friends that we were the pink ladies that summer all summer long.  We dressed in whatever pink we had and wore bandanas in our hair sitting on each others swing sets and singing all the songs.  ESPECIALLY cool rider!  The best!  To this day still love both movies and I think I have seen every Michelle Pfieffer movie ever made.

This time of year makes you think about holiday traditions and childhood memories of Christmas.  I loved going to my Grandma Moen's in Camrose, Alberta for Christmas.  There was nothing like it.  My mom and her two sisters were very close to each other and very close to Grandma.  They were best friends.  You'd hear them laughing and talking for hours.  Hard not to be happy when you have lots of cousins to play with and happy parents.  We would all get so excited.  We all loved Christmas Eve, big turkey dinner, opening presents under the tree.  The Moen's are Norwegian and I love this family tradition.  Then we'd pout and whine and try to be sneaky when we thought Santa was coming.  Sometimes we would just creep up the stairs a little bit to spy on all our parents and see what they were up to, what they were taking about.  Maybe a surprise here and there we could catch wind of and ruin.  For the most part we'd just pass out and wake up as early as possible.  Trying to stay quiet in our mind blown excitement when we'd see our stockings filled with presents from Santa.  Shaking any new presents under the tree trying to guess.  Eventually we'd be exhausted from being up so early and waiting for our parents to wake up that we'd fall back to sleep.  I miss that.

Of couse St Louis has totally ruined me.  I went from Alberta beef to St Louis ribs, not that I'm complaining yum!  It's taken me a little while to get my own rub for the ribs right and how I like to cook them but I'm thinking move over turkey hello ribs this Christmas Eve!  No one ever said you can't create a new tradition now did they?  Will still do Swedish Meatballs, the hot crab dip, the cheese dip we make into a Christmas Tree on the platter, the hot chocolate.  We'll be adding another Moen tradition of Rosettes this year, the kids have only ever had them once and since I have inherited the Rosette irons I'm really looking forward to making them.  For those of you who don't know, Rosettes are a light pastry.  A batter you put on the iron and place the iron in hot oil to fry and then sprinkle icing sugar on top.  Dangerously delicious.

I guess I should be thinking about bed now even though that nap this afternoon messed me up.  I have 6 hours until I have to be up again and begin another busy week of hustle and bustle, getting this done and that done.  What are some of your traditions?

Love This Season

I have to admit, when I first walked into the Kohl's to do some pre Christmas shopping with my Mom I was annoyed that they had so much Christmas stuff up and Thanksgiving was still weeks ahead.  I like to explore one holiday at a time.  The Christmas music was playing and you could see some individuals with that look on their face.  The look of a real bargain.  Boredom even.  Like drones lined up for a deal.  As I walked along with my Mother looking at belts and ties and towels and aprons a Christmas song playing in the background I found myself automatically humming.  The more I hummed the more I smiled.  Then I saw the really cool center pieces for the Christmas Dinner table and felt myself light up with the Christmas Spirit.  Sparkling pretty decorations.  The anticipation of watching my kids open Grandma's presents on Christmas.  More Christmas music in the background lifting me higher.  By the time we got to the lines, drone faces I tell ya, I noticed a little boy crying in his Mother's arms about 2 years old.  Mom was trying hard to console and get him to stop but he refused.  That is until he saw my smile.

  I spent a good ten minutes with this little boy, he was in the line next to me and further on ahead.  We started making faces at each other and his smiles turned into giggles which of course made Mom turn around to see what was going on since he was much happier all of the sudden.  A woman behind me suddenly asked me about a purchase I was making, if I was turning all these items into a cool craft and could she get in on it but I bored her with a no just buying them as is but intrigued at her creative mind and started looking closer at my items.  I wish I could see what she was thinking.  Meanwhile as I was distracted this boy had began to cry again and be fussy and hearing him I drew my attention back to making faces and smiling at him again so his mother could complete her purchase.  It was almost as if we had an inside joke going and no one else could see this little world we had entered for a time.  Again, my heart started to glow.

Being the mother of two teens and pre schooler I feel as though I'm split into lots of little pieces going in different directions and it honestly wears me out.  Teenagers love their own lives but they also need a chef and taxi driver.  Not to mention an occasional tutor.  Meanwhile Miss Toddlerpants as we affectionately call her these days, is very demanding we have in fact hit the pre school diva phase.  It's not all bad sometimes very entertaining really but when I'm already tired from a poor health day and lots of 5am wake up calls there are, quite frankly some days where you just want to put them in a padded room filled with balloons for a couple of hours and read a book that's been sitting on your shelf since last Christmas and you're only goal was to read it before this Christmas.  Epic fail on that this year.  But when the Christmas lights go on, or Christmas music starts to play, their eyes light up especially miss diva's.  Her excitement is completely contagious and infectious.  You can't escape.

My favorite part of this season is, however, time.  I look forward to spending time with my family getting a little bit fatter, watching Christmas movies old and new, laughing together, playing board games together, eating cookies until we're on a major sugar high ( of course this year that won't be me).  Time is the most precious most valuable tool/gift that I have to give.  I do it as often as I possibly can whether it's accepted or not as long as it's offered.  I love the snuggles in front of a roaring fire all of us curled up.  The giggles and tickle fights.  The general silliness and smiles. 

In those moments, sometimes crazy funny and sometimes quiet and simple, I remember how thankful I am for my family.  How thankful I am for every smile, for every tear, for every trial and triumph that we have individually and collectively endured this past year.  I thank God in Heaven for the opportunity to be a Mother to these magnificent children.  Children that were always meant for me.  I think about Mary and how afraid she must have felt bringing the Savior of the world to life.  But how special, hopeful, peaceful and the joy she must have felt that night He was born to this world.  Knowing He was always meant to be hers.  How profound. How humbling.  

I am so incredibly thankful for this world.  It isn't perfect, as aren't we.  But it's ours.  It's ours to love and appreciate as well as everyone on it.  I am thankful for the Savior, Jesus Christ and His perfect example of love and generosity.  I am thankful to have the opportunity to get to know Him in this life through studying the scriptures and prayer.  I hope that we all in any circumstance can find a way to love each other, even in disagreement.  That we can learn to accept that everyone has free agency and the right to choose for themselves what to believe.  Merry Christmas, and God Bless.

What to Do What to Do

Over the largest portion of my life I've been confrontational.  If someone hurt me I'd hurt them back or at least embarrass them for it by making sure everyone knew about it.  If someone gossiped about me I'd get them back in creative ways, small rumors, get them to confide in me tell me dirty secrets so I could expose them later.  Sneaky I know.  Then I had children.  When they're really little you don't really think about how you're acting.  I was even one of those, just lie to them about it the truth will just hurt their feelings.  But by hiding those things it would end up hurting them more and then I'd be blamed the whole, why didn't you tell me if you knew.

For about a year and a half after I divorced at the age of 25 yes that's right and a three year marriage, oh I know but trust me it took courage and was the best thing for us, I sort of disappeared.  I hid from the world, from friends, from family.  I just was tired of being hurt, tired of confronting it all, exhausted from all the backstabbing crap.  Just didn't want to be a part of any of it anymore.  I wanted peace.  I wanted to heal.  I needed to find my own strength.  It was through this period of my life that I received guidance from "the written word" and prayer.  It gave me time to mourn, time to regroup whilst raising two babies on my own ( literally both still in diapers), and time to think.

The best part was time to think.  I rarely answered my phone or door.  I rarely left the house.  I refused to be pushed in any capacity by anyone no matter how well they thought they knew me.  I wanted to take everything up to that point and get rid of it.  And I did.  I considered my own upbringing and examples of others throughout my life to decide how I wanted my children to be raised.  I went through all the finances I was left with which was next to nothing to discipline myself financially to be able to keep going.  I considered what I really wanted out of life.  My life.  I realize that we all want others to agree with us in some form so that we can all be besties sometimes but it's important to be you , there's no one else like you out there.

It's been really hard ever since.  I choose to love people despite their cruelties to myself or others.  Doesn't mean I don't feel disappointment.  I choose to love myself despite my imperfections and even find some of my imperfections entertaining at times.  I choose to be careful what I share with the world.  When things are precious to me, certain talents and abilities, I am particular when and with whom I share them.  I am still working on that, I shouldn't be hiding musical gifts or any talents that I have from anyone but I've been burned by so many in these departments I fear other than my immediate family and those I grew up with, the world will never know.  I choose to help in any way I can but I also acknowledge free will and sometimes when I offer to help when I see a need it's refused and I have to accept that.  I choose to be friendly to all and forgive quickly.  Life is too short to waste on a grudge or gossip so I simply prefer not to.

Although I choose to be patient and have worked on that the most over the years I'm also not afraid to stand up for what's right even if others around me don't see it that way.  I know what I know.  I have experienced plenty and I have lived a rather tough life that's taught me a lot about myself and what the Lord expects from me.  He didn't say oh don't worry about it if you make a mistake that would make the Atonement insignificant.  He says come unto me all ye that are heavy laden, burdened with mistakes, and if we do it right and we forsake the behavior, we receive his justice and mercy.  I really love that about Him.  I don't take that for granted.  I believe in restitution.  Trying to fix the mistake not just abandoning it.

I choose to learn all I can about the world around me.  I find myself somedays pouring over books, internet articles, lesson plans to find out more.  Whatever strikes my fancy at the time.  Mostly I've learned to live and let God.  There are always going to be people in this world that wish to do me and my family harm whether by their words or deeds it is the same.  I am often prompted to let them say and do what they want because He is fully aware of it and He will take care of what He needs to and in some cases allows them to condemn themselves.  That doesn't mean we sit and do nothing.  It means we take the time to observe the situation, do what we can and leave the rest to Him.  The trick is when you've done all you can, letting go of it.  Sometimes the attitude of , well that's their problem, isn't exactly letting it go.  It means you are done with it, you will keep trying if you can, but for the most part you accept the outcome for the time being and will continue on with your life forgiving the pain or frustration you felt from others.

Still learning.  The older I get and more I learn the more I realize that the only way you can grow leaps and bounds is through baby steps.  Line upon line, precept upon precept.  Acknowledging that everyone learns at their own pace and everyone has free will.  I love having a family that is on this journey with me, learning and growing with me.  It's amazing what your kids can teach you isn't it?

Uplifted

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints we are privileged to hear from our leaders when they speak to us from church headquarters to uplift and edify us, encouraging us to keep going, keep believing, keep trying to be the kind of examples Christ would want us to be.  It's a great reminder to have and they speak with experience and conviction and a great understanding of the world's current events as well as the gospel of Jesus Christ.  Their testimonies are brilliant and their words shine with the light of Christ.

When you read the news lately, it's disheartening to say the least.  Natural disasters leaving so many in troubled circumstances, thankfully we have a wonderful Church that has an internationally known humanitarian program that aids as quickly as possible to so many and to their utmost capacity.  You see war and rumors of war escalating world wide and forcing the world to take notice and act collectively to resolve it draining all of funds and resources in the process and unfortunately sometimes having no impact.  Disheartening is definitely the right word.

Through it all, however, there is hope.  Possibilities.  Opportunities.  There is always something we can do, always.  Never feel helpless but make sure you assess the situation carefully.  If you choose to donate funding to organizations that can get to these grieving and sometimes destitute individuals make sure you do a company check to see that your money is actually being spent on proper aid and not administration bonuses.  If that's not enough, some organizations will ask for specific items to be sent you could organize through your churches or schools a way to gather the materials needed and donate them to the organization.  Again make sure these items are being administered properly by checking on this company.

Sometimes I can't donate money, or time, or materials.  But I do have a powerful tool that I know works well.  Prayer.  I have seen miracles happen when large groups of people, from many faiths, come together in collective prayer for the greater good.  Hard to imagine it has any effect these days but I assure you, it does.  Having faith that God can conquer all, that He will deal with these matters how he sees fit is a remarkable quality.  One all should desire to have.  He can answer prayers in a big way that's so noticeable it cannot be denied.  But He also works quietly in the hearts of men and women everywhere.  He knows who is honest and forthright.  He knows who is deceitful and manipulative.  It's much easier for Him to sort it out than for us to judge or come to ill fated conclusions.  Prayer works.  I believe in that. Psalms 66:20 "Blessed be God, which hath not turned away my prayer, nor his mercy from me."

During this General Conference, we also  are reminded about our commitments to following the commandments of God and the blessings and rewards that come with that if we obey.  It is too easy sometimes to justify those commandments within ourselves to be exempt from them but I assure you no one is exempt from the eye of God, nor his judgments, nor his laws.  If we repent, proper and true repentance through faith, prayer, and obedience to God's laws we receive His mercy and Jesus Christs' atonement is sufficient for us to be forgiven as long as we are humble, make restitution and forsake the sin.  D&C 24:2 "Nevertheless, thou art not excusable in thy transgressions, nevertheless, go they way and sin no more".  Restitution is vital.  If you have wronged another confession is the first step but you must also find a way or at least offer a way to make it right between you.  You can't just keep it between you and the Lord, He'll know you haven't made an effort to apologize to the offended party, nor have you tried to repair any damage caused.  Awkward and scary sometimes restitution, but important to your understanding and personal growth.

Mostly what I love about General Conference is the knowledge that I can begin again.  It's like a spiritual recharge, a jolt of light.  Although like most things in life, it is what you make it or choose to allow it to be.  The reminder that we are children of a Heavenly Father who loves us, who misses us from His presence.  The reminder that we are all on an equal playing field despite our circumstances in life to receive His counsel and blessings.  That we are capable or incapable of personal knowledge of Jesus Christ based on what we choose.  We all have the choice to follow or not to follow.  To love Him, respect and acknowledge Him and keep his commandments, or not to.  Matthew 6:24 "No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon."  Mammon is an Aramaic word that means 'riches'.  You cannot serve God and be worldly.  This always makes me think about the tv I watch, the music I listen to, the books I read or if I'm living beyond my means for the sake of 'pretty things' in my home or closet.  Do I have excess?  Do I share that excess with those who are poor or in need when I don't need them?  Am I charitable with my possessions and my time?  Do I live the commandments of God the way He has presented them to the world or do I pick and choose which ones to listen to?  In Exodus in the old testament we read:

 1 And God spake all these words, saying,

 2 I am the Lord thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.

 3 Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

 4 Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth:

 5 Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of thefathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me;

 6 And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.

 7 Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.

 8 Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.

 9 Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work:

 10 But the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God: in itthou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thystranger that is within thy gates:

 11 For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Lordblessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.

 12 ¶Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be longupon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.

 13 Thou shalt not kill.

 14 Thou shalt not commit adultery.

 15 Thou shalt not steal.

 16 Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.

 17 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour’s.

He doesn't say these words are suggestions.  He commands them.  Thou shalt is not saying optional.  You either obey them or you don't.  There are consequences either way.  I prefer to do my best to receive good consequences of blessings and knowedge but even I fall short sometimes.  That's where the atonement of Jesus Christ comes in.  I can repent.  I can acknowledge that I have made mistakes and try to fix what I can in them and try my best never to repeat it.  I must be honest with myself on this and not be too harsh on myself if I don't get it right away but I must also show true effort and remain humble.  The blessings will always come.

I have a testimony of these things that they are true.  I have not only studied them throughout my entire life but I have lived them and not lived them and I can testify to you all that living them is remarkably better.  He never said it would be easy, He only said it would be worth it.  God bless.

Being a Mom is.... A Lot of Things!

I wish I had joined the circus somedays, then I'd get paid for this juggling act called Motherhood.  As it is I'm a stay at home Mom who is up at the crack of dawn to make sure her kids are ready for the day, which of course hah they never are, and do my best not to exclude my husband whilst busy with our preschooler and send him off for his busy day as well.  I have a million chores that seem to pile up constanly ie: the laundry I need a forklift at this point.  Despite giving our teenagers chores ( groan, whine, complain : I'd rather do them myself and not pay them allowance so I don't have to listen to it anymore) nothing ever seems to be done around here.  It can be kinda overwhelming at times.

On top of that you add the insecurities, ah there are so many.  The I wear sweat pants and a pony tail too often my husband is insane for staying with me, the look at the wrinkles and grey hair I can't afford to go to the salon every week for 'maintenance' all I can afford is a bottle of 'anti wrinkle' cream that makes me feel like I'm at least trying and a shower.  Massage?  What's that?   I get my massage in bed with restless sleeping hubby and scared preschooler sleeping sideways and trying to kick me off the bed.  Good times.  One of my favorites is by the end of the day I'm so tired my husband and kids must think I've been replaced by a zombie.  Then there is I'm a failure as a mother, look at the woman all put together and her kids fairly well behaved, she looks so immaculate why can't I manage that everyday?

Motherhood is full time work without pay or vacations.  The family that 'employs' me ( mine ) love to give orders and reminders and late notices.  I forgot my lunch can you put money in my lunch account, I'm too tired to do my chores I'll do them tomorrow ( stinky dishes are not something I can stand ew), Mom I need to buy this that and the other and it can't wait ( store closes in 10 minutes).  But I do it.  I love the smiles on their faces.  I love that someday they'll remember me in their lives fondly ( I hope) for all the things I've tried to do for them.  Makes me feel good to show effort and be an example that you never give up, even though some days my bathtub looks like a really cozy place to hide for a week with ear plugs and a bag of cheetos.

I'm forever nervous, my eternal worry, that I'm messing up.  Forget 'royally' I don't think that word can convey how vast of a screw up I see myself as.  I hate that feeling that despite my best efforts of teaching them all I can, raising them right, giving them everything I have to offer, it won't be enough.

Reflection

I'm sure at several points in your life you've wanted to stop yourself from making that mistake, or dating that guy, or even wanted to encourage yourself to continue on that path don't wander off or no don't change your decision about that college course it's the way you need to go.

Most of us at some point will look back at our former selves and think to ourselves I shouldn't have done that or if I had only chose differently.  Regrets.  We also, some of us, find ourselves thinking about regrets and coming to the realization that we can't take it back or change it necessarily.  Time only moves forward.  Which is the direction we should all be headed anyway.  If you're looking back you can't move forward.  That's where forgiveness comes in.  Even for the little things and boy do they add up over time.

Hopefully we don't hold grudges or speak evil of others just because we're bored or we can't let it go.  Such a waste of valuable time that we could be using serving others in our families, neighborhoods, communities, world.  I think even smiling at someone is an act of service.  It can change a person's day that desperately needed just one person to make eye contact with them and smile letting them know they're not invisible in this world.  That they are seen.  That they are of value and worth to someone.  That someone can be you.

For me forgiving others is easy.  I am still struggling, for the most part, forgiving myself.  Recently when I look around I see consequences.  Permanent consequences to decisions that I made earlier in life that might not have been the best choices for me.  But, wishful thinking on the reversal of such things isn't possible.  So how can I change that?  Where do I start?

I started by verbalizing how I felt.  Not just about how things have turned out for me in just about every aspect of my life but how I feel about myself as a person in the world.  How I see me.  How I think others see me.  How I want to be seen.  Regrets are hard.   I hate to focus on them but I admit lately I can't seem to rid myself of them.  Please if you're reading this don't do it.  It becomes it's own regret lol.

I had a breakthrough finally.  Emotionally anyways.  I am finally at a point where I can look back and say it's ok.  Most of that stuff will fall by the wayside and isn't as consequential as I originally thought.  Don't get me wrong, as a christian I am still a firm believer in the art of true repentance.  I do it often.  That reminds me I need some knee pads.  Forgiving ourselves is the hardest part.  Letting what we did go.  You can only apologize and offer to fix things so much, even to others, before you have to say well I've done all I can think of with this it's time to move on.  Hopefully we apply restitution when we try and fix our mistakes not just with others but with ourselves.  It's not enough to say I'm sorry on it's own.  It's necessary to say what can I do to fix this and do whatever you can that feels right to you.  It's necessary to allow yourself to be forgiven even if at the moment you feel unworthy of it.  It's necessary to forgive and forsake the mistake doing everything humanly possible not to repeat it.  It's necessary to forgive yourself and move on.

I feel so calm and peaceful today.  First time in I don't know how long.  Without forgiveness comes judgement and anger and I just want no part of that.  I believe in inspiring, encouraging, and loving kindness.  I believe in being silly, having fun, letting the little things go when I can.  I believe that my time is spent more wisely on my family and friends.  Serving others with all I have.  Best medicine and cure for anything bothering you is to throw yourself into service.  Forget yourself.  Very healing.  Do what you can when you can.  I believe in being honest as much as possible with the occasional tongue bite, with that one I think it depends on how long someone or something's been bothering you.

May you all find your happiness, your true happiness, and pursue it.  Living out loud doesn't have to be complicated if anything it shouldn't be.  Keep it simple.

That Time of Year Again

My two eldest, Brittany 16 and Dyllan 14 are headed to high school, Dyllan for the first time.  They were informed last year that they were in pre AP classes and had assignments that needed to be finished the first day of school.  My advice was that although it's summer they should set aside at least one hour a day until their projects were completed so they wouldn't feel rushed or leave it to the last minute.  I also reminded them of this advice for the last two months.  As a Mom it is hard to let it go.  When you know they need to work on something but you also know they need to be responsible for it at this age, not you, and they need to accept the consequences of their choices good or bad.  I cringe when I think about the things I know they need to do and put off or don't.  But then I remind myself it's their life, let them handle it.  I have offered to help out, words of encouragement and believe me with some subjects words of encouragement are lost because of their lack of confidence in themselves.  Very teenager of them.  I remember that feeling, I'm not sure it ever leaves lol.

I'm always so excited to see what my kids do next with their lives.  How they adjust to new things, watching them discover new ideas and ways of choosing what comes next.  It's awesome!  Brittany has always been fearless when it comes to new things.  She either wants to do it or she doesn't, she either agrees with you or not, I like that there is little to no grey area with her.  Blunt, honest, to the point, you always know where you stand with her.  Although she works hard on biting her tongue a lot too so as to not have to argue when she doesn't see the point in it or doesn't want to make someone cry lol that one's my favorite.  Dyllan is always so skeptical about everything, reminds me of his Dad Nate completely and totally.  Even when he gets all of the information that he needs to make an informed decision, sometimes it takes a loooooooot of encouraging and reassuring to get him to move his feet forward and get there.  But once he does, it's like a firework all lit up brilliant in color and life!  That's my favorite.  Catie is four so everything is new and a wonder to her I just love observing her and watching her reactions to basically everything.  Even if she gets mad she's adorable.  She's just so dang smart for her age!  You have to have an argument with her sometime.  She'll find a way to use your logic against you and convince you that she's right.  She's four!  We are in for a world of trouble with this one I'm sure, but still, I'm excited to see what she does next.  Watching her argue her way out of just about anything or being a chatterbox to everyone about everything is my favorite.

Life is grand, albeit hard and complicated.  So many of us always in a rush to do as much as possible is as little amount of time.  It's nice to slow down, enjoy the atmosphere, smile, take your time make important choices when you can.  It's better to remember to experience it , take it in, than to rush through and just be present what a waste.   Summer reminds us to stop and look around.  Smell the roses, visit the beach and listen to the waves, take family vacations singing loudly in a crowded vehicle driving 2000 miles to your destination.  Those moments are when I get to know my family best.  How they've grown, how they've changed. Even just the silent cuddles on a porch swing or a weeny roast in the backyard, catching fireflies, listening to frogs sing.  It's nice.  We will have to work on making these things an every day occurrence as often as possible.

I look forward to a new school year.  Forward to the chaos and the challenges, hopefully we overcome them in good standing, frustration and all.  But, as Ferris Bueller says, "Life moves pretty fast, if you stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

Redemption

Mistakes are so flipping easy to make.  I hate that.  I hate the feeling when you know you've made a mistake and sometimes you cannot redeem yourself from it no matter how hard you try.  Not necessarily because you haven't made the effort but occasionally because the receiving end of the apology or restitution that you offer isn't having it.  It can make you feel judged and criticized.  I'm not talking giant mistakes here either, I may have had one speeding ticket my entire life, I'm talking about things that are seemingly harmless or that you are trying to be careful with.  The truth can be tricky when no one wants to face it and sometimes the delivery is impossible when you feel compelled to be honest no matter what.

For a while now I've had this weird thing going on with me that makes no sense at all and yet there it is.  Every time I speak in public I feel stupid or I want to start over or retract entire sentences that I feel I might not have explained right or at all.  It's a ridiculous problem.  It's worse when I share things of great merit to myself that are personal or sacred things.  Incidents, memories or ideas that mean a lot to me and are dear to my heart.  I'm always afraid that someone will demean it with the way this society treats each other.  Cheapen the experience and magnitude of knowledge I may have gained.  Not that I have heard every rumor, or rude snicker, or unfounded judgement behind my back, but I know they happen.  I guess I just don't understand the point.  What good can come from that?  What purpose does it serve?  What wonderful and interesting gain can you even achieve from it?

I have been taught not to be so easily offended and on the other foot not to be afraid of offending others.  Sounds confusing right?  Sometimes it is!  But over the years, through life experiences I've kind of learned a balance.  Not that it's an easy one I assure you.  I've learned that being offended by every stranger, so called friends, or even family member that knows little to nothing about me is worthless.  They haven't been there for every light and dark hour in my life and unless they take a consistent period of time to get to know me by asking questions, listening to stories and memories or following any of my interests their opinion doesn't carry much weight.  By the same token, when it's true, it's true no matter what I do about it and me saying it outloud ( hopefully in the appropriate places) won't change that.  Being offended by fact is also worthless.  Fact is something that is occurring or has occurred.  No amount of side stepping, lying or looking the other way can change it.  I find it better, for me, to simply face it and address it as I go.

Regardless of all these wonderful lessons and assuring experiences and words of encouragement from close family and friends I definitely struggle.  Example of trying not to be offended but afraid to offend.  Our family had the opportunity to visit the St Louis Science Center.  It's a wonderful facility and once we entered it and took a look around it was like being a child in a land of wonder!  I was excited, hopefully the kids were too, at all the possibilities.  But as time wore on I noted a serious problem.  The children on school trips or with groups were a little rowdy and you could see these caregivers struggle but there was a lot of effort involved and I applaud them for that.  But there was a large portion of children running around the facility doing whatever they wanted.  Pushing us out the way of exhibits we were exploring without an excuse me, without patience, without parents!!  I found several parents on phones, tablets, etc on benches, along walls with absolutely no regard to their children's behavior or safety.   I didn't just glance once or twice it was the entire time we were there throughout the entire facility and I literally sat on a bench when one became available and watched all of this unravel.  Doesn't make me angry, makes me disappointed.  But did I say anything?  No.  I should have found a manager and told them they had about fifteen to twenty kids without parents anywhere around them doing whatever they wanted, pushing people out of the way including other small children.  I regret that I didn't but I know that after a couple of hours of it we were exhausted and frustrated enough to leave.  I believe in teaching my children the kind of adults they need to be.  Manners are a sign of respect to others around you.  Not just strangers.  They also show an intelligent nature and respect for themselves.  Worth teaching and enforcing I promise you.

As you can see by the previous example I am still learning this balance.  I try to be careful what I do and say around others but I'm trying to figure out how patient I should be.  Where is that line I can't find where I don't feel so uncomfortable?  How do I manage to magnify my inner strength and keep going when everything around me seems to be falling apart?  Prayer helps.  Faith helps.  But I'm still human.  Sometimes I need to see the example in front of me to feel more confident in moving forward.  More confidence in myself.  I'm no pushover and not easily convinced but I'm also open to ideas and suggestions.  I've heard the whole live your life and let others live theirs but their choices affect my life.

Make no mistake that I will tolerate a lot from the world but that doesn't always mean I agree with you.  Sometimes I'm watching carefully waiting until you push a button I cannot allow and am forced to push back as hard as I possibly can.  Hopefully I will figure all this out and redeem the mistakes I can while I'm sure creating new ones lol.

Woman and Man

My whole life I have seen different types of women.  Ones that loved be homemakers fullfilling their dreams as wives and mothers.  Ones that loved being at home but it wasn't enough so they became creative and discovered their own businesses from home and it keeps them very busy but they still get to stay at home with their children.  I have seen women who choose many different career paths and manage to balance these busy careers and have their families as well.  I have seen women who have no interest in marriage or family and choose to put all they have into friends, pets, and their employment.  Every woman feels her best in different ways.  It would take years to describe them all.

I believe that woman are equal to men and just as we expect men to respect us we also in turn need to respect them.  How do you think society is doing on that front?  Do you think they respect us women as a whole?  Do you think we have earned that respect or do we simply demand it because we were born female?  Like we are entitled to anything we want without hard work.

I found an interesting 'writing' from Jill Jackson out of Beverly Hills that I want to share with all of you, the title is "Open Letter to Man."

"I am a woman.

"I am your wife, your sweetheart, your mother, your sister- your friend.

"I need your help!

"I was created to give the world Gentleness, Understanding, Serenity, Beauty, and Love.

"I am finding it increasingly difficult to fulfill my purpose.

"Many people in advertising, motion pictures, television, and radio have ignored my inward qualities and have
repeatedly used me only as a symbol of sex.

"This humiliates me, it destroys my dignity, it prevents me from being what you want me to be-an example of
Beauty, Inspiration, and Love: love for my children, love for my husband, love of my God and country.

"I need your help to restore me to my true position- and to allow me to fulfill the Purpose for which I was
Created.

"Oh, man, I know that you will find the way."

Very powerful words full of truth.  I know for myself, the reason I'm afraid to trust a man or follow his lead when he takes my hand to guide us through this life together, is completely hindered because of men that abused me.  Took advantage of my sweet nature as a young girl.  Forced me into shame and anger because they saw women as something to dominate and control instead of love and nuture and protect.

To all the men out there who fight for their wives, daughters, sisters, mothers, grandmothers, aunts and friends to be loved and seen as beautiful angelic creations I salute you and praise you.  To all the young men and men out there who open the door for women or carry her bags for her any time you get to chance and show your respect and admiration, to you , dears sirs, I express my love and gratitude.  You are beacons of light in a dying world.  Cherished and supported among women and other men of your great stature.  You are amazing creatures who I know will pass on these attributes to your sons and them their sons in a continuous manner and it is you who will change the world.

On this Father's Day, I want to thank my husband for the great man that he is.  He is strong, smart, caring, kind, respectful, inspirational and loving.  I adore him.  My protector, my sweetheart, father of my children, my love.  Thankyou, for being such a wonderful husband and father. I am grateful to God everyday for you.

Now That's Progress

I dread my endocrinologist appointments.  I put them off rescheduling.  I even go to the dentist more readily.  My recent appointment despite my cringing had good news.  My glucose was normal, my tsh was normal and my cholesterol all normal and healthy.  I thought I was hallucinating.  As most of you know I have been struggling with health issues since becoming hypothyroid and losing weight is almost impossible when you have no thyroid to rely on.  Not to mention keeping it off but despite everything against me I am finally and extremely slowly moving in the right direction.

I am still incredibly frustrated on that front but the fact that I'm getting healthier is what I'm choosing to focus on.  I have been struggling with pain and health for over 3 years now and it's nice to have it all under control and be able to handle every day things like a normal wife and mother can.  It's been an extraordinary climb to get here and this is only the beginning.  I have a lifetime of uphill to conquer with no plateau in sight ( except for my weight grrrrr).

I am so thankful.  I know we don't always get the blessings we want when we want them.  But He does listen to our prayers and He does give us what we need when we need it despite our grumbles and disagreements.  I am learning to increase my faith, to have more trust in the Lord.  Just when you think you got this, you realize there is so much more growing for you to do.  He stretches us and challenges us to gain strength and knowledge through experiences.  It all makes us stronger if we allow it to.

Having free agency is tough sometimes.  The freedom to make a lot of mistakes and a lot of good choices mingled together throughout our lives.  Hopefully we do what is best for ourselves and our families in the long run.  Hopefully we aren't afraid to change course when the Lord makes it blatantly obvious that how we're doing things might not be in our best interest or in the interest of our children.  That there is always a better way.  His way.  The trick is finding the path He has laid out for you knowing it's what's best for you and doing your best to stick to it no matter what.

It can be the slightest inch, the slightest comment, that will throw us off the path.  We can choose to be easily offended by a comment from another that really shouldn't have been able to shake us in the first place.  Sometimes we are offended because the comment is true and it's something about ourselves that we really struggle with inwardly and know we need to work on but brush aside.

We can fall off our path by our ill choices, becoming selfish with time wanting what we want when we want it without patience or care to how others might react or the consequences that will affect everyone around us.  Granted you shouldn't always care what other people think but you do have to live in this world and get along with society best you can.  I don't always agree with what societies views are, to be honest I see a slippery slope of do what makes you feel good instead of do the right thing, but I still have to be able to get along with them.  When we make choice we don't get to choose the reaction or consequence but we do have to face them.  If you make good and honest choices you will receive good consequences it's that simple.

If you have wandered because of offence or guilt or whatever the cause, please come back to Him who created you.  He's waiting for you.  He loves you.  He desires to help you succeed in righteous desires.  There's freedom in His way versus our own.  If you haven't in a while, talk to Him.  Tell the Lord how you feel about yourself, your life, and Him.  Don't be shy but be honest and reverent.  He'll listen.  Be patient the answers always come.  I know He listens.  I know He lives.  I know He loves us and wishes us well.  If it is good, seek after it.

Plug your Ears

Remember when you were a kid and Mom would say no to that sleepover or fudge pop and you would put your hands over both ears and start singing la la la la la I can't hear you?  I feel that way today.  Sometimes when I'm looking for answers I get suggestions I've already heard and tried, ideas that are not up my alley and don't want them to be, or search the internet only to discover worldly points of view that never worked in the first place so why would I mess up my own life trying it.  Frustrating.

I don't like hearing that my kids in order to be accepted and loved need to be a certain size, say certain things, be like everyone else.  That's not life!  That's not realistic.  I have always encouraged them to be themselves no matter what.  If people struggle to accept them the way the are that's just fine.  Friends come and go in and out of your life so frequently and sometimes they stay but a moment because you share that one thing at the time in common.  It happens.

I don't like the world telling me because I'm bigger than a 0 that I'm worthless.  That if I don't share the main stream's point of view I'm stupid or selfish.  I despise it when people can't get over it.  I have to.  Why don't you?  It's like everyone's writing their own rules and saying well my way is better do this.  But really, shouldn't you simply be doing what's best for you?  Your family?  Even as far as parenting I have an idea how I want to parent and how I raise my kids.  The kind of people I would like them to become.  Does that mean they have to be?  One can hope right lol.

I have been trying desperately to lose weight and do as my doctors tell me.  As a result no matter how hard I try, I am failing at it.  Everyone keeps telling me to be patient but I can't just keep waiting can I?  I'm getting older.  Not younger.  I am actually scared to go to my doctors office and have him check my thyroid and blood sugar levels and weigh me.  He looks at me like I'm a liar when I say everything I've been doing and why isn't it working.  Like it's my fault.  When I try to ask for suggestions he gives me the same ones.  The very definition of stupidity is doing the same things over and over and expecting new results.

I need to find my own path.  My way.  I eat on average 680-860 calories per day because I'm afraid to eat anymore.  I exercise a minimum of 30 minutes a day no matter how tired or sick or anything I am.  I feel like I'm in some kind of jail and there's no escape.  It's so completely frustrating.  I have support.  I love them all so dearly for it.  I try to add things I enjoy for cardio like dancing and tennis.  But those eventually will feel like a chore if I'm always worried about what my doctor will say.  I don't know what else to do.  He's given me fantastic ideas that worked brilliantly the last three years but I can't see to lose another pound.  I've been trying for 4 months to get off this plateau and managed maybe 2 lbs.

I feel disappointed in myself.  Not because I didn't lose anything.  Because I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I have tried to fix it forever.  Why can't I just accept that this is me?

Deep Breath...Let It Go...Moving On

It's coming on summer vacation now for all my kidlets!  The pressure's on to keep them somewhat entertained, even the teenagers.  They are always thrilled to sleep in, lay on the couch and watch tv, play video games but it is short lived as they get bored quickly.  It's great to keep myself busy this way and them as well.

Sometimes, even when I'm honest, I am acutely aware that just because I take things with a grain of salt not all others do the same.  My husband's favorite three words to me when he sees that something is upsetting me, "Let it go."  For me, the best way of letting go is entertaining my mind with things to do.  There is always something that needs doing when you're a full time wife and mother.

I already have things like swimming lessons and soccer camps on my radar.  Would have loved to put our 4 year old Catie into T-Ball but by the time I thought of it the registration was closed....by one stinking day!  Typical.  Anywho to my teenagers , ah crap not that, regrets there are plenty of improvements I find to do every year on our home and yard.  They don't always pan out the way I want them to but I set out a plan do my best to execute it within limits and also being flexible to what's out there that I didn't think of and do my best to accomplish these goals.

This year I have my sights set on my basement, yet again, and my kitchen.  We have needed a new fridge for about 2 years now and have finally purchased a Kenmore side by side without the stupid water/ice thing.  Sorry but I think it's tacky unless you are really going to hook it up and even then the water always tastes weird to me.  Kenmore has a pretty high standard of durability which with children I can completely appreciate.  I plan on paining all the cabinets and redoing all the cabinet fixtures including new brackets for some.  My problem and the hold up for the last two years is deciding on a tile, backsplash, or wallpaper that I might use between my upper cabinets and my counters.  I cannot find one that I like and I have looked absolutely everywhere.  I look forward to meeting with a designer coming to our home this evening just to get some ideas!  At this point anything will do as long as it wipes easy and is stain resistant.

I also have to rearrange my basement as we are putting our old fridge, still in working condition, downstairs for what I like to call 'overflow'.  You know Thanksgiving that doesn't fit in the fridge there's no more room?  Birthday Cakes you don't want your kids to get into because it's tomorrow.  You know, that kind of stuff.  I also promised I'd go through all of our clothes downstairs with the kids who despite my willing to admit it, are nearing their college meet spouses and have babies part of their lives.  So they get first dibs and whatever they don't take and I don't save ( girls' clothing) for our youngest is either garage sale or free for all.  Personally the way the economy is I think it shows a lot more faith and gratitude in God for everything he's blessed us with to give it away free and clear.

I'm enjoying my walks, my yoga and even dancing, yes that's right dancing!  Whether or not my family is home I put on my headphones and disappear for a while.  I sweat more with dancing for 30 minutes than I do an hour of walking!  With all these projects and trying to find camps and lessons to keep my kids busy this summer it's looking great!  Hopefully we get to plan a few long weekends in their with Dad while we're at it.

The Worth of Souls

One simple comment months ago and everything became more up front, more noticeable, more obvious, more enlightened.  Kneeling in prayer the words were, "It hurts me to hear you speak of yourself that way.  You are my daugther."  Took me aback.  Wasn't expecting to hear anything but in that one second a soft sweet whisper.  I could actually feel the dissapointment.  Wasn't expecting that either.

I have been pondering it ever since.  Everything is just more obvious to me everything.  Every word, every thought, every action.  I'm quicker to feel that was wrong and apologize and also I am not easily moved when it's the truth.  I realize that sometimes hearing the truth can hurt our feelings, especially if we don't see it or agree with it right away.  It's hard to stand up for the truth sometimes.  It's even harder knowing it may sting someone you love and truly care for and hope the best for.

For years I have always felt that waging war within myself.  The why bother and the don't give up working equally as hard to convince me.  Lately there are so many more details than that.  So much more I didn't see or recognize.  For example, last week I was fed up I have been steadily losing weight and I am very guarded about that because slow and steady means it doesn't return.  Occasionally I find myself in circumstances where the temptation is all around me and it's hard to resist it.  Or I'm simple not able to eat what I should because it's not presented.  I do my best.  I was assured if I kept doing my best and concentrated on helping others that plateau of mine would cease.  My response was I'm sure less than pleasing as it was yeah right.  Such the wrong attitude right?

Mid week I thought well I'm sure nothing's happened, I'm still stuck and was thinking about stepping on the scale.  As I was walking back.  From a  neighbor's home.  Whom I had just helped out without hesitation or reward.  Then I started noticing all the other little things, to me little but not always to the recipients, that I had done every single day of that week so far.  What's funny to me is I had been having the most awful week too!  I saw myself from a different set of eyes that I'm sure I've tried to see myself from before but could never bring myself to look passed my own.

"You're right Lord", I whispered, "I have been hard on myself saying terrible things that shouldn't be said and for that I'm so sorry."  Such a beautiful and astounding feeling of peace and warmth came over me.  I am completely sure that this is will be an uphill battle, in ten feet of snow, barefoot, and carrying a brick, but I am aware now of it.  Now I can begin to walk forward again and keep trying.

You're right you're not perfect neither am I in any way.  But we try.  We set personal goals that are worth while and we keep going.  Never look back, leave it behind, there's greatness in your future if you want it.

Plagued Season

It is sooooo beautiful outside!  My eldest daughter's allergies are killing her, I can relate but I grew out of them for the most part I hope she will too.  In the meantime Claritin seems to be working for her.  My youngest four year old and I have been enjoying playing in the dirt ( planting/weeding), playing at the park with friends, and we are adding riding our bicycle.  Funnily enough doctors orders.  Our doctor Anne Hibbard is the best!  We have similar aged kids so we go through all the same stuff at the same time it's nice to relate so easily.  She suggested we put our "baby" on a two wheel and take away the tricycle so that she can get to two wheels quickly and it will be a short fall lol.  Our 4 year old is considered petite for her age however with her latest growth spurts we'll thinking that might change.  By the way the kids physicals went spectacularly!  Mom is happy all kids are happy and healthy, kids were happy no shots this time lol.

With all of this joy not all feel it.  I have learned over the years that in our families' circumstances it is better to keep moving forward than to dwell or wallow.  When we don't, we are plagued with sadness, self pity and milking the situation for all it's worth.  Granted I have two teenagers but at least they aren't pros at it.  I hope they never will be pros at the pity party.  It does no good to anyone for any reason not even yourself.  Pfft, ESPECIALLY yourself.

Sometimes we can get used to the attention when we struggle and become addicted to it.  Without noticing.  We get used to be catered to and treated well and no one will disagree that it feels good when people fawn over you and take care of you.  However, it is only meant to be a temporary fix.  To help you for a little while until you can take care of yourself.  You are expected to take care of yourself.  To be resourceful and self reliant.  After all you can't be of any service to others if you can't take care of yourself now can you.  Now having said that you can also always find a way to serve others despite your circumstances.

Stop the pity party!  Stop fixating on all the things that are wrong in your life and believe me I understand when they are blaring in your face it's hard to escape.  I'm not saying escape.  I'm saying learn to cope.  When you serve others you are more likely to forget your own trials and worries.  If you don't believe me try it for yourself and you will gain a testimony of it for yourselves.  What's worse, do not under any circumstances become dishonest about your life in any way just to keep the attention and focus on yourself and ailments.  Learn to live with them and cope with them best you can and worry about others who are in need.  Pay it forward.  You got temporary help to get you back on your feet, hopefully doing all you can to get onto your feet in the process, do it for someone else.  You know how much it meant to you to have the help make sure you pass that on and help others.  It's a lifelong cycle.  It's important that it stay a circle instead of a straight line.

It's beautiful outside!  Sunshine, warm air, everyone out walking and talking.  It WILL make you feel better.  Just get out there!  Live again!  No more pity parties!

Contented

Today I am content.  That can always change at a moment's notice but for the minute I am.  Still struggling and getting used to being physically limited.  A whole new disease means a whole new set of rules added on to the last set, but manageable.  I am still coming to terms with them, who doesn't like to do things their own way though huh?  I guess I hate it when I have no choice in the matter most.  Forced.  Hate that feeling.  However, not impossible.  Gets really tricky when I go to eat out!

Last night was a very sacred and special Anniversary for Hubby and myself.  He had a gift certificate for Olive Garden so we chose to enjoy our dinner and evening there.  Always great food we had the friendliest and most wonderful waitress loved her!  I must have sat and pouted at that menu for what seemed like forever!  Olive Garden is all about the pasta and if you have ever or currently have diabetes you have to be careful with pasta.  The portions are huge and I really wanted the steak and gorgonzola fettucine alfredo.  Don't gasp it's all ok.  I ate maybe a 1/4th of the portion and am splitting it up today so I don't overdo my carbs.  It's about total carb caloric intake more than anything and I keep track of the foods I just cannot have.  Pasta does ok with me in small amounts as long as there's plenty of veggies with it!  The steak certainly didn't hurt either.  Super delicious!  Thankyou Olive Garden!

Was nice to get to talk and laugh and reminisce and discuss work and family together just us.  There's something so special about your partner and best friend being the same person.  Can completely trust each other and tell each other anything.  There's never judgement, occasional I disagree with you, but for the most part hubby and I get along very well I love him a great deal.  It's like being a teenager all the time that young love feeling.  Probably annoyed everyone around us!(hahaha) But I don't care.  When we're together alone we enter our own universe.  It's safe and happy there I wish I could be there all the time.  We share the same sense of humor and laugh off the little annoyances in our lives, together.

I look forward to our eternity together my sweetheart.  Happy Anniversary.  Love you!

Out of Sight Out of Mind

I hate when you buy things that you think you need and then give it maybe two weeks you've forgotten all about it and where you've put it.  If you put it 'away' drawer, closet or what have you easier to forget.  Then when someone asks you about it oh yeah that thing I bought let me find it to show you.  Now where did I put it?

Alot of things feel that way to me.  The out of sight out of mind canundrum.  I still find hiding places for Christmas presents, just because presents, even last year's Easter.  I hide it away so no one can find it and then when I need it, it's gone, missing, someone stole it, someone else moved it around to annoy me.  Sometimes that even happens with people in your life.  When you're not around it's easier to forget you.  To forget others.  Of course we eventually wonder but we put those things away.  I've been doing that to myself.  Not things.  Me.  If I put away who I really am and hide the things I love about myself to "protect" them, after awhile I forget they're there.  They become lost to me.  Talents, abilities, memories.

The sad thing is when I start to bring them out again they're rusty dusty messes.  I forget to let myself shine on the things I'm good at sometimes.  Do you do that?  Feel inadequate or stupid for being good at something just because everyone else around the table is talking about how bad they are at it?  I've even brought up that I'm good at something everyone else was complaining about and got laughed at right there on the spot because they automatically assumed I was lying or they're impossibilities have to be my impossibilities.  Confuses me really.  I always admire people that are strong at the things I'm weakest at. I'm not afraid to say that to them hopefully they accept the compliment.

I feel uncomfortable too with compliments especially when all I can think about is oops I didn't mean to do it that way glad it worked out hope no one noticed.  I get genuine feedback and not so genuine feedback and sometimes the person is so good with their compliments I can't tell which is which!  Diamond or Zirconia.  I really wish I hadn't have put some of these things away in a drawer.  When I was younger I thought they were annoying to others and so I put them away.  Now I look at them and they were beautiful parts of me that I still struggle, out of sheer habit now, to reignite.

Cuts me to the core.  My sore spot.  Musical talents and abilities.  I have been blessed with so many of them.  Just because of a couple of comments I won't even sing in the shower or out loud with my mp3 player on anymore.  I've been singing in choirs and competitions my whole life.  I finally thought after hiding in the back of the closet that I would dust it off.  It's not the same but improving, and I am determined to find my way back to all these instruments including my voice the best I can.  But the fact that somethings I've loved so deeply I chose to remove from myself, haunts me.  It's like my own personal hell.  Hard to fix it when it's you vs you.  Knowing that you allowed this to happen, chose it, accepted it.

Please, be who you are.  There will always be people who will love and accept you even if it's not the whole world.  Let your inner self shine and put the awkward inadequacies away.  There is more freedom in taking criticism and being true to yourself, than putting those things away to 'fit in'.  Don't ever be something you're not.  There's only one you.  Be that.

Twilight Zone

That alternate reality that you experience when everything you think you know to be true is tested or revoked in ways that you can't predict or expect and yet it happens.  Everything seems to go upside down even if only for a confusing moment or two where you feel like you are in an alternate universe and this isn't your life. But it is.  Mirror still shows your face, you still hear your own voice and yet not real.

I was yelled at and silenced by someone who loves me in such an odd way that I'm still trying to comprehend what happened and while it was happening I'm not sure that I really noticed.  Bizarre right makes no sense?  Exactly!  I couldn't get a word in edgewise and was talked over and silenced at every turn.  Where once my opinion or knowledge seemed relevant it apparently wasn't not even an and or a the was accepted.  I like two way conversations vs the monologue.  I don't even like it when the monologue is my own I feel like I'm standing on the edge of the cliff and if I say the wrong thing will be pushed over the edge by people in disgust that I didn't say it better or say what they wanted to hear.  Still with a smile on my face I carried on without worry or notice of consequence.  I always find a way to enjoy whatever I'm doing and when I try and try again and can no longer find any joy I rant and rave and have a temporary temper tantrum and move on.  Nice and simple.  This situation was just plain weird to me not so nice and simple at all.  I'd rather just forget the whole thing but the Twilight Zone in my head won't shut up about it.  Analyzing it over and over again because it doesn't understand.

When I'm in a really good mood or even just a basically good mood I have a bubbly personality.  I like to joke around, make fun of myself, tease others to no extreme and laugh.  You can always tell when I'm confused or upset or bored because I don't have anything to say.  I barely even think if I can help it and if we are leaning on upset you will never hear the insults firing off in my head they're too good to share.  Only an elite few ever hear them and they love me anyways, sometimes because of it.  I am entertaining that way.

My daughter had her yearly doctor's appointment with the available doctor at the office not our regular one.  Her chart is right there in front of him he asked her basic questions, not sure if he discussed height or weight or nutrition or anything important.  I do know that he didn't ask her about seizures and did mention vaccinations without explaining what they were or what they were for to her so I'm sitting in the waiting room with my 4 year old keeping her occupied and ten minutes later discovered that I wasted twenty bucks on doctor do little.  We are just adding to the weird, stupid, common sense has died moments of my last few days.

Have you ever walked into a room and realized that people are talking about you?  Sure you have everyone has!  If you haven't then you haven't done anything worthy of being talked about yet and you are sooooo far behind by the time you hit Junior High you should have had at least one really good best friend betrayal notch on your belt.  The last time I was in this room there were genuine smiles, sparkly eyes, laughter and interesting conversation.  This time it was more like that monologue cliff I mentioned.  I was standing near the edge and at first was comfortable talking but noticed faces which made the edge come closer and felt as though I was about to be pushed off, or at the very least swatted like a buzzing fly.  I didn't know how to respond so what did I do?  I kept talking.  Pushed my way through it hoping that someone would slap one of those metal chastity belts on my mouth bolts and all.  Praying for duct tape or a wired mouth at any moment that never came.  I don't know what happened between the sparkly eyes and now but it didn't look good for me.

Now I can't sleep.  My mind keeps going over and over everything let's see I've woken up around 3 or 4 am for the last almost week now.  The crazy thing is it was an extra long Easter Weekend opportunity of sleeping in every day.  Nope!  Not me!  I'm not in a normal realm at the moment.  I'm stuck in this alternate reality where everything feels awkward and bizarre.  Okay so everything already did but this is like awkward on crack.  I don't feel comfortable in my own skin at the moment.  Time to keep my head down and bite my tongue.  I still have the insults inside my head to keep me company.

It's Vent Time!

Marriage has it's ups and downs.  Sometimes there's stress because of health issues, or the car breaks down which you read in my last blog.  Sometimes the kids out of no where start struggling in school even though they studied but we all know that happens.  Then there's the added stress of upcoming important events and wanting everything just so or as perfect as I can to show my love interrupted by a stupid fight over seemingly nothing but it wasn't the nothing it was the something that came after it.  Big somethings that cut very deep.  Big somethings you never see coming but there it is like Muhammed Ali with big boxing glove on the end of it ready to knock your lights out and take no prisoners.  The cherry could be another illness in the family after everyone just got over the last one and now that one beautiful, peaceful weekend where you just had a phenomenal twelve hour sleep is gone in the blink of an eye like a flash of lightning.

Thus, the vent.  I get pressures.  I do.  I hate them but I understand them.  The van finally fixed and home again took off tons of stress.  Made everyone happy, colds almost gone.  It was a wonderful thing indeed but had the lifespan of a fruit fly.  Meeting new in-laws can always be stressful but I really wasn't I was looking forward to it, at first.  We teamed up our family and shampooed all our carpets and scrubbed walls and floors.  Felt good to work together instead of watching Mom sweat up a typhoon on her own washing walls just to mop floors with her sweat.  Beauty picture isn't it?  But, then, the actual event.  I didn't even mind they wanted to have lunch with just Hubby because they're his family and that's awesome!  Of course my family never excludes everyone always welcome but every family is different and I'm open to that.

The conversation at first was wonderful.  I had a chance to ask them what they were up to, what they were interested in, things like that.  But had a little trouble having a chance to introduce myself or my kids to them.  See for the last ten years my husband's family, and he finds this funny, has been constantly introducing themselves to us.  Story after story year after year and my husband actually suggested that I repeat the stories to their surprise so they can see yup I've met ya!  I don't mind storytelling though.  Sometimes they hit a sentence that they left out the first few times and it strikes my fancy and makes me laugh.  At the end of all this conversating though I asked his family, whom I had just met, what do you guys know about me?  Crickets.  That's okay I suppose I'm really obnoxiously boring anyways.  Nothing noteworthy here.

Hubby didn't like how I was ignored even though I'm fine no worries.  He was shocked that no one in his family had anything to say when I asked if they knew anything about me.  His Mom gave an example but it had nothing to do with anything about me just that I posted her son was sick on facebook.  I guess I was really just asking to see what they knew so I could strike up a conversation.  That didn't quite happen either.  Tried to introduce my best friend at dinner to them with Hubby but only our nephew noticed.  Aren't families great!  I can understand his parents hadn't seen them since their last trip to England but I hadn't seen them ever.  I guess I was just hoping to have that opportunity since they get them for weeks and we had them for hours.  Maybe next time.

The sigh of relief that's done now on to other things!  Son and I were watching some documentaries and I had been looking things up online about 9/11.  Some interesting inconsistencies and I happened to bring them up to Hubby, who of course knows alllll about everything I just watched and read about.  He's a mind reader you know, just need to get him that crystal ball and wizards hat and we're all set.  Instead of what I thought was going to be an interesting discussion he came on thick with some anger about the whole subject and started complaining and yelling and I couldn't get him to stop or listen to me.  That lead him to say some cut deep stuff that I never expected him to say.  My reaction was shock like I'd been struck by lightening and was just noticing it happened.  Then a quick it's okay he's been really busy at work and we've had a lot going on and he's been sick it's fine.  But there's this thing about me I can't fix.  I've spent years praying and working and worrying over it but it's just how I react and I've made my peace with that.  Doesn't happen often but when it does there's nothing I can do but keep working through it 'til it's done.

When I'm hurt, truly hurt, if you really cut me and hurt my feelings, I withdraw like a wounded puppy to the dark corner and go silent.  It's disturbing for people who know me well to see it because I'm usually a bubbly personality.  I had this whooollleee big thing planned for our 10th wedding anniversary.  It's on the 20th of this month.  I figured if I did stuff on the 19th it could come as a surprise and since hubby complains he's bad at romance I could take care of that.  Oh.  Yeah.  Wounded puppy.  I wish I didn't still feel this way.  He almost immediately apologized, probably from the shocked expression on my face.  I just don't work that way.  I have been spending days, working through it, saying this is dumb get over it, rationalizing, pushing myself to be fine.  But that's not what I should be doing.  If I don't give myself permission to be hurt, or sad for a day or two it makes everything worse and I end up losing faith and trust in everyone.  I fight hard everyday not to.

I've done pretty well.  When I put myself to work it gives me time to think.  I even spent a glorious night of 12 hours of sleep processing everything that's happened the last week or two.  It gets better each day but I just wish I didn't react this way.  Maybe I wish that I was made of steel or didn't care as much but that would change who I am and I have this huge capacity to love, to forgive.  I just have to allow it to be a process instead of expecting instant results.  Recovery, from anything, takes time.