Making an Effort

When you look into the mirror what do you see?  Freckles, ambition, freedom, strong will, crooked nose, sadness, a better version of yourself?  I see an older version of how I actually feel.  I see someone who struggles to understand herself and everyone around her.  I see a fighter, a creator, a friend, a mother, a daughter, a wife.  I see love, willingness, patience, and hope.  I see tired, worn out, frustrated, fed up.  Trying to improve yourself on a daily basis is really hard work.  It's never just your insides either you try to improve your life around you.  Be more helpful, more trustworthy.  More organized, more forgiving.

Sometimes the money and the time don't add up so I'll have some new material for a room in the house to improve but no time to execute.  I'll finally find a week to take a family vacation but have to spend a large portion of savings on medical bills, car repairs etc.  You sure do have to fight for your life.  Prioritize.  I need time to sit down and do that don't I.  By the time I find some my priorities have changed and I get frustrated and annoyed.

I pray for help and see leaps and bounds of understanding in myself and those I pray for to have patience with me.  I love to learn His will and make it a personal goal to choose to improve daily.  Sometimes that includes reminders on my 'off' days to keep going and don't give up just because I made a mistake or had a bad day trying to figure something out.  Strive to do better every day.  I need to focus on being the best me I am capable of being.  That has nothing to do with wealth or status.  It has to do with love and compassion.  Hopefully in an intelligent light that love is not without justice.

I have many opportunities of friendship and trustworthy tasks.  I help others as often as I have time to and sometimes rearrange my schedule when necessary to help.  I try not to worry about the little details but see the big picture.  I don't patronize them by ignoring their faults or mistakes but I don't harp on them either.  I make it a point to be truthful even if it's not something I want to say and definitely not something they want to hear but I try to be careful with the emotions involved.  Timing is everything as they say.  I word hard at understanding.  I fall short sometimes.  For that I'm sorry.

I have noticed lately that through this conscious effort to improve weaknesses my heart is changing.  It's slow and steady and I allow myself to make mistakes and try quickly to learn from them.  I am so much more sensitive to everyone around me than I used to be.  I have learned thus far that the Lord agrees with what I'm trying to do and thus the noticeably helping me.  It's not about popularity or stature it's about how it makes me feel.  It makes me happy to try to be a better listener, a better friend and mother.

I need to keep looking in that mirror and improving what I see.  As long as I see effort, trying to be better, trying to learn more about the world around me and about God's plan of happiness for me, I think I'm doing ok.

Lessons I Keep Learning...from Myself

Every once in a blue moon ( so rare) I get a moment to relfect on previous posts, moments in my life.  Times of struggle, times of triumph, times on intrigue and curiosity.  Small lessons and big ones, profound and creative.  They are all me.  It just goes to show you that you are not defined in one word or even 5 words or even 25 words.  You are incredibly unique.  I am like a rubber band in lesson learning being stretched as far as I can go and occasionally a misstep will occur ( I totally make mistakes more than I'd like to)and I snap back.  It always hurts, it's always frustrating but I learn from it and that's the most important part.

I am also like a shiny diamond cut and polished, multifaceted with so many details and yes flaws.  But boy can I sparkle when I want to!  I am capable of absorbing light and reflecting that light to others.  I can shine.  The more I learn and absorb the more I can teach and reflect not only to others but to myself as well.  I've kept a journal since I was twelve years old.  I wrote everything in it and even now at thirty-eight I am still astounded at the lessons I learned.  They are profound and filled with wisdom, intelligence, and light.  Of course not every page is that way some of them say my parents suck for grounding me or so and so was talking about me at lunch and I hate her now.  That stuff actually makes me laugh and smile, it's still a part of me, I felt it at the time.  Even those seemingly insignificant parts have their place and meaning in  my life.

Keeping an online journal like this blog is even harder.  I guess when I started it I felt like I had been hiding who I was for so long that I just didn't see the point anymore and had to let it all out.  Still working on that but it has helped me a tremendous amount to be able to go back to my written journals and this blog and actually see growth, determination to succeed, knowledge and wisdom that still help me.  It's weird when you read some entries of things you've written years ago and find that you just gave the best advice to yourself you could have ever gotten of course not knowing at the time you'd need it like you do now and you can't escape it because it came from you.  What a blessing.

I was recently reading my "shoe fly don't bother me" blog from October 11,2010 over three years ago.  I don't think if I tried to write that blog today I would even be able to do it as well as I did that day.  It's almost scary how perfect it is to me, for me and maybe even for others.  How I honestly feel about friendship in this world and my life.  But that's the point of this blog isn't it.  To be completely honest with myself and hope and rely on you, the public to offer words of encouragement or advice to help me become a better person.  This is a life mission I'm afraid.  I still struggle letting me be myself around others and so desperately want to be able to.  I hate that I hide it drives me crazy!  Sometimes it really hurts my feelings.

So grateful for the opportunity to even have a blog and be able to write it in every chance I get when either something's bothering me or I learn something new or I'm being just plain opinionated about stuff lol.  I like that I can be held accountable this way.  It's soothing to me to know this isn't hidden.  It's not in some book on my nightstand with a pen inside, it's right here in front of everyone.  You never know who's reading or watching and possibly going through a lot of the same things I am or hopefully not going through the same things I am and counting your blessings.  I think there is peace in sharing hardships with others whether they can relate to it or not.

Do yourself a favor.  Stand out today.  Some kind of hidden talent that you might have that someone long ago made fun of you for that you do well.  Sing in a park for no reason other than you love to sing.  Jump on a trampoline in your neighbors yard doing flips you know you're good at.  Something.  Be that diamond.  Shine!

Sigh of Relief

Today the house, the very house we live in, feels a whole lot lighter.  Sometimes when it rains it pours and our family in the past couple of weeks has had an all out flood!  I have no idea what's in the water but I think everyone goes through these cycles.  One minute it's ok for you talk about people behind their backs and the next you're defending them even though you may have been the cause for the chatter in the first place.  As confusing as that is to I appreciate the part where they come around.

I've had so many things to take in and deal with and struggle through with my kids and family and home and church.  It overwhelmed me but today and yesterday I just felt like it finally left.  We were lighter, happier, smiling more, and that awkward feeling over everyone being overwhelmed with school and responsibilities finally came to a head.  It's the build up I really despise.  With this release the mood of the entire house has changed dramatically.  Simple yet important things that needed to take place.

I hope the youth of this world know how important they are.  This world with all it's rules and then extra added rules and lately a very controlling government makes life feel overwhelming, confusing and down right something you want nothing to do with.  I understand that feeling.  However, what the world needs is your good examples.  Your strong spirits who are more accepting and loving and kind.  If you don't have a good example at home please find one and follow them.  You always have a choice that's what freedom is.  Freedom isn't doing whatever you want.  It's the right to choose for yourselves.  The consequences we never get to choose, others around us do.  Exercising their own freedom of reaction to your choices.  Don't back down if it's the right thing to do.  You'll know it's right if it won't hurt anyone around but enhance their lives.  It's okay to fight back and stand up for what's right.  I hope that you know that.  Be careful with your decisions they can affect not only your life but everyone around you so take a minute to consider but not to the point that you are stressed out about it.  Some things don't have to be decided right away.

I sincerely hope that parents are being a good example to their children.  When you have children your life isn't over but it does need to be put on hold or at the very least the back burner to an extent.  You need to live for your children, take the time to raise them in good moral standing.  Encourage them to learn all that they can at this time of their lives so that they are better prepared for the world around them.  Someday you won't be here and they will need to take the lead.  Are you teaching them how?  Absent of greed and material things?  They need to know how to survive, emotionally, physically, spiritually.  They need to learn respect and kindness.  Not everyone agrees on everything even how we raise our children.  Everyone is so individual and unique, which I absolutely love!  But we always need to be seeking common ground with our kids.  It's ok to have the final say, you're the parent they are the child, but make sure you take the time to hear them out before final decisions are made.  They just need to feel like they're heard.  It's important to us all for our futures as well that they are.

Through great adversity and great trials comes greater understanding and knowledge.  Knowledge and intelligence are powerful and some underestimate that a little too much.  Continue to learn, always learning always growing.  You will be blessed.

Venting Does a Body Good

Yesterday I had the opportunity to vent alone and with friends both equally needed and important to destress.  After writing about my wonderful ( yeah right) Monday that felt as if I'd walked onto a television set in the middle of filming, I dropped my youngest off at her preschool , came home, and screamed!  Man alive that felt good! It sure made it easier to breathe.  Then I proceeded to work on the house a bit with chores, especially laundry I steal my toddlers 'blankie" when she's at preschool every week and wash it hehe.
Then I wandered off to the grocery store and felt a lot more relaxed I noticed as I was putting the groceries away.  I even had that moment some of us rarely get where it's peaceful, everything is in order, and took a deep cleansing breath.  I smiled the rest of the way home watching all the beautiful colored leaves floating off the trees in a breeze.

Short lived but still worth it.  When I went to pick up my daughter from preschool the first thing she did after smiling and waving to her teacher, as soon as the door was shut, she said where's my blankie Mom?  Mom of course had only remembered to put it in the dryer a few minutes before leaving to pick her up hoping it would be dry by the time we got home.  So I told her I washed it.  I bet all of St Louis could hear that girl scream.  I tried to explain that it was dirty and now it would smell good and be clean and hopefully dry when we got home.  Didn't care, so much yelling at me.  "I don't want it clean I want it here!"  Goooood grief.  She still yelled at me when I handed it to her and smelled good and was all nice and warm out of the dryer.  Walked up the stairs sat in the rocking chair and staring at me said, I'm hungry Mom.  Payback much?  She wouldn't accept anything I offered, Mac n Cheese, sandwich, chicken nuggets, yogurt, apple, nothing.  She did eventually eat some Ramen noodles but have mercy all over cleaning her blankie.

My husband came home early from work being that he's still not feeling all that well and I took off and went out to lunch with some friends of mine knowing a nice vent session, not just my venting misery love company right?, would be perfect.  I sure enjoyed a break from kids and home and drama, mine anyway.  Was nice to hear other people's  for a change lol.  We were saying farewell to a special gal who was moving out of the area.  Sure was fun!  We'll miss her bunches!

I wish everyone a wonderful happy day despite any misfortunes you may be undertaking at the moment.  Find that one positive thing if you can find it and take that moment for your own peaceful breath and too short time of tranquility.  Orrrrr, go take a long luxurious bubble bath and read a magazine or book that takes you away from whatever ails ya.  Good luck!

The Day I don't Want to Relive....

I woke up yesterday morning feeling a little under the weather.  I got up early anyways to drive my 15 yr old daughter to early morning seminary and decided I would drop her off at the door and then hide around the corner in the parking lot.  I was suffering from a pounding headache and really bad stomach cramps and feeling nauseated so I didn't want to be in front of people lol.  Just in case!

The drive to school was same as it always was only feeling ill the whole time.  But around 11:30 am I get a text from this daughter saying that she has been feeling depressed.  She went into great detail about how long she's felt this way, when it started, and anything ( if any) she's been doing about it.  She said she told a couple of her friends and my first reply was what have they been doing to help you out?  Not really anything specific although one sent her a good idea when you feel like cutting yourself you use a pen and draw a line instead so that one I really appreciated.

It's not easy hearing that one of your children is suffering.  We have established that this began after she had her seizures in July and began her medication Keppra.  It's biggest side effect is depression.  I looked up as much information on what she could take while on Keppra hoping St John's Wort would be allowed but alas it doesn't react well with Keppra so we can't do that.  She has an appointment to see her doctor and our family doctor is just wonderful, however, she no longer sets aside emergency appointments and she doesn't see patients past 3:30pm.  That's like the equivalent of 10 patient appointments per day that have been cut off so now it takes weeks to get in to see her not days.  I'll have to keep calling for cancellations on a daily basis and hope that something opens up sooner.

Having taken some psychology in college though and because she started the conversation while she was at school I had time to write down all the questions I would ask a patient so that I had an objective side to it.  I had already researched ideas to help her in the past but didn't know how bad it was until she finally told me yesterday.  She's felt so much better ever since, I know first hand that being able to talk to someone about how you feel and simply be heard without judgement is the best scenario.  I did remind her however that I'm her parent and when it comes to her health there is no debate.  I have the final say.  I will listen to her and take everything she says into consideration and will be happy to be careful to pick my battles but when it comes down to it I'm still Mom first.

I already knew the best thing for depression was a routine.  Also taking on responsibilities can not only help distract your mind with a productive attitude but it can make you feel accomplished.  So when you feel like doing nothing make sure you do something.  Anything productive.  Start small at first a simple goal you know you can do and succeed at.  Then try new things, acquire new hobbies it helps soooo much.  I hardly had any free time in high school for good reason.  Easier to focus on what you need to be doing than wallowing in depression.  It's hard to push yourself in that state but it's also when you need to do it the most.

Daily exercise is a depressed persons best friend.  Endorphins are this wonderful natural high that you can get any time you want to just by doing some exercise every day.  It's your natural happy drug that can fill you with added energy and focus and it can clear your head and help you with problem solving and finding solutions.  It's as easy as finding someone you trust that you can vent all of your anxieties to that will listen without judgment and offer words of encouragement and walking around the block a few times, or around the park, or the mall even.  Everyone needs that chance to vent what's bothering them in their lives.  Sometimes it even helps you see that and realize that the people who are picking on you may very well be getting picked on themselves.  It's a good thing to learn.

After we had all of this situated and discussed there was much laughter and a walk with venting and a genuine smile on her face.  Wonderful to behold.  I look forward to all our walks together.

But my day wasn't over yet, unfortunately.  My husband burst through the front door around 6pm falling to his knees and sheet white with pain and agony.  He managed to get out the words, "Sweetheart, hospital, kidney stones".  My reply was to run to grab my jacket and my purse and shoes, literally running, and get him to the hospital.  Can I just say if you find someone urgent behind you honking their horn in the left traffic lane trying to get past you that it could be a serious medical emergency not everyone is trying to be a jerk and maybe you should consider moving out of the way instead of being critical and smug.  His hands were completely cramped and he couldn't move them which I've never seen with kidney stones before and he's never experienced before himself so this was PAIN!  They didn't even bother taking their time to register him just get his name in the computer and find him a room for evaluation.  We spent about 3 hours in the emergency room.  Isn't this just the perfect day for me or what?

When the stone stopped moving his color came back, dramatically.  They set him up with an iv for meds when they needed to and did his vitals.  Having a high heart rate and high blood pressure under the circumstances is normal.  They asked him for a urine sample obviously to check for blood in the urine.  Um, it was almost black.  Yikes and no wonder he hurt right!?  He had a CTscan and they discovered it's only halfway through to the bladder and about 3mm in size so passable but ouch.  He's had two previous to this experience so he's an old pro of sorts but he had a 12 year break so it was quite the reminder.  He has swollen lymph nodes they found a lot of bacteria in his urine so that isn't helping the passing (again ouch) and he's on three different meds just to help him out.

Good grief first a week of taking care of everyone else with the flu, then getting it myself then all of this!  God must really trust me and believe in me to think I can cope and handle so much all the time.  It's quite the compliment and you know what?  He's right.  (winks)

One step closer

With every passing day, working out my issues as it were I feel a little bit better.  Hurt, frustrated, so tired, but better.  Sometimes I feel like I'm strapped to a whole herd of wild horses that just keep dragging me behind them not knowing what to do with me.  Like people around me see me and look around panicked as to how to get rid of me.  So bizarre.

Coming up on night 6 of little to no sleep which of course does not help the situation.  Baby girl is finally feeling so much better.  I spent most of the night trying to keep her hydrated and praying that she'd feel better by morning because my body can't take much more taking care of sick kids.  Hubby came home early today, sick.  I just about screamed and banged me head into a wall.  At least he's old enough to take care of himself but we all know I'm gonna do it.  I'll make sure he's drinking, and resting, and taking meds to help him feel better.  All this health stuff is wearing me out and for once it's not even mine lol.

I had a slightly unpleasant experience today.  I was reprimanded?  I had the choice to say whatever and not really care because quite frankly I don't even know this person that well.  But I didn't.  Gut feeling, inspirational prompting says not to.  So I apologized for offending them in all sincerity.  You should see and hear some of the stuff I put myself through on my own at the moment so this is nothing.  I also stood up for what I believe in because let's face it sometimes others have issues with who you are.  In this particular circumstance I have to stand my ground.

Our family has been doing some missionary work for some youth and adults that just plain need to discover how much their Savior loves them.  Can't keep that to myself that would be wrong have to share it with everyone I possibly can.  I have been supportive, answered thousands of questions and it has really strengthened my own testimony and made me realize how much I need to work on it.  This one individual in particular felt the Spirit for the first time in their lives and had the most glorious experience.  But his family is not so keen on the idea and recently got after me for speaking with him about it.  But this individual won't give up no matter what because they know what they felt and cannot deny it.  Makes it complicated for him but I'll keep him in my prayers.

Halloween is tomorrow and we finally got most of the decorations up.  I still need a bit more candy though so hopefully I'll remember in this scatterbrain to pick some up after preschool.  Our 'Donna' doesn't look so good.  Her body parts won't light up and we've had her a long time.  Maybe it's time to invest in something new, something bigger.  That's what great about the day after Halloween right?  The sales!  We as per usual have our giant spider that we'll be dangling by a fishing pole from the roof right about the garage.  Works every year even the people who live near us are still surprised by it lol.  We don't do that to the little kids only the teenagers and the parents that stand back in the driveway.  Our big boa snake, fake of course, is hiding beside the door in the bushes.  We used to attach it to fishing line and tug on it to make it move but it's much funner watching all those women scream when they notice it on their own.  So awesome!  We have a cool new addition.  A lazy skeleton that lays in his hammock and snores.  Chest moves up and down and everything.  Looking forward to see reactions from that.

Have a safe and happy Halloween and just keep swimming!

Feeling Down

Lately I've been very down on myself.  Life has a way of getting to us, eventually, and despite my best efforts it's still sitting on my chest and refusing to move like my maine coon cat.  Heavy and uncomfortable.  I can't shake the feeling that some individuals I shared a very special spiritual gift I have with may have been speaking inappropriately about it and taking away the immense value I place in it.  Basically taking something sacred to me and judging it.  Not to mention I am still struggling with worry over my kids, my oldest Brittany who had seizures this summer had a serious bout of the flu and dehydration can trigger seizures so that had me hoppin.  Adding to that an issue with my son that makes him unhappy which of course makes me unhappy.  But I keep praying for him and hoping the best for him all the while being forced to acknowledge that he has to make his own decisions and live with the consequences all I can do is offer support which quite frankly is hard to do when you see your children suffer in any way ( ugh!).  Now of course my toddlergirl being sick and that's just plain hard on it's own to see any small children sick like ever!  All adding up on me here.

Also, and this will sound so dumb I'm sure but I don't care, I feel as though I'm being silenced.  When I am asked to participate in discussions, vocally as in speaking as in have to talk, I am talked over or looked at as though I'm interrupting everyone simultaneously or as if everyone is annoyed at the very sound of my voice.  Despite the fact that I have a personal goal to be a better listener. (Oh right, every couple of months I pick something about myself to specifically work on.  Before now it was forgiveness.)
Anywho, sometimes in a conversation I've learned that if I get lost or am not quite sure about a comment or statement from the other individual whom I am speaking to I need to ask to make sure I'm understanding them correctly.  Largely due to the fact that most arguments take place when someone misunderstands what another person is saying taking it out of context or whatever.  Want to avoid that thank-you!  I realize that sometimes it's hard to find a pause when some individuals speak.  So it makes timing hard to ask the question to clarify that you are following along the way they want you to.  I do my best to seek ends of sentences or even a comma if I can depending.  But when others do it they're allowed and lately when I do it, I'm not. This leads me to only one logical conclusion.

No one is interested in anything I have to say.  Lol which makes this blog entirely hilarious at the moment since that's how I feel.  My experiences and opinions seem useless to these individuals.  Just because I'm my age, or my size, or my height, or my color, or my anything, seriously they'll find anything to use as an excuse to keep me in my corner, knock me in my place.  And that's fine.  I understand.  But I still see myself as valuable.  I've done a lot of interesting things although at the moment all my interesting things usually involve my kids because that's where I'm at in my life at the moment.  It just so happens that I'm a Mom.  I work very hard at my job in this day and age it's getting harder and harder to teach children value in education, spiritual growth, working hard etc as opposed to greed or wanting things to fill their lives instead of learning how to have good relationships and learn things of greater value than a big house or money.  Money as important as it is still isn't everything.  The value of the work that you do to earn it and learning new things is far better.  I do my best as imperfect as I am.

My kids both have cell phones that they need to pay to have minutes on.  They can use their monthly allowances or their jobs or extra work that we are willing to pitch in money for to help them but it is their responsibility.  They are in charge of who they give out their numbers to and how many phone calls and texts they want to use.  If they run out of minutes and then run out of money then they will have to learn to budget better in the future.  I'm doing this now before they buy cars and have to add gas, oil changes, new tires, repairs, and insurance to the mix of their lives.  I want them to feel prepared I can't and won't always be able to bail them out they need to learn while I'm here and can help them.  I think it's more valuable what I'm teaching them, than the phone itself.  Hopefully they'll figure that out.  More so I hope it isn't the hard way out there where the world has expectations of them that they don't even know about yet.

But mostly I just feel down trodden in general.  It's just another something I'll have to work on and get over.

Good Times......wait

This weekend was very busy with our son's fourteenth birthday and my Father in law's 67th.  It all started with......vomiting.  Our fifteen year old daughter was sick all night long and because the bathroom is right beside our son's room so was he.  What a great way to start right?  She was white as a sheet, stomach cramps, couldn't keep anything down and kept drinking a lot of water.  By the way don't let your kids do that.  Gingerale is better and has a much bigger chance of staying down water tends to be too heavy on the stomach when your sick.  Anywho she spent most of the day either on a couch or in her bed sleeping or laying very zombielike watching tv, sort of.

Meanwhile hubby and I were busy in the kitchen preparing the two 'birthday cakes' that these gentlemen had requested.  Our son asked for lemon meringue pies ( total yum) for his 'cake' and I made two of them.  He helped stir the lemon curd for the pies so that made him feel happy.  They turned out spectacularly!  So much flavor and perfect meringue.  Hubby had made the cakes the day before, our children on Friday evening had a get together with some friends and a bon fire out back.  Sounds like they had a lot of fun we checked on them periodically but for the most part they're teenagers and they know what we expect of them so we left them alone.  Sorta.  We could see everything out our bedroom window lol.  Getting on with it, hubby had already made two homemade chocolate cakes and I had melted some chili chocolate to make the icing for the middle to give it an overall kick.  Then he did the rest of the icing while I prepared egg salad and tuna salad for sandwiches since that's what our son requested.  Was goooood.

We then took the grandparents, parents, and kids except the sickling to the bowling alley for a couple of hours to bowl.  No laser tag or games this time we just wanted to bowl.  Brunswick Zone does a nice job of creating a fun and entertaining atmosphere on the weekends our children really enjoyed it.  Our youngest daughter, who is three, got her first hair cut on Friday morning so she looks so much more grown up now and pair that with new clothes and her first time bowling it was cuteness overload!  We really enjoyed watching her experience bowling for the first time.  My personal favorite was when she hit most of the pins in her first bowl and then turned around with a proud look on her face and took a bow!  Lol so adorable!  Of course after the first hour of bowling we just had to order fries to keep her happy which was fine with us because whatever their fries sauce is, was yummy!

After bowling, which miss toddlerpants was sad to leave, we went to Hibachi Grill ( grill, sushi, chinese) and I stole a ton of chopsticks lol.  Everytime we went up for a plate instead of one set we'd grab two it adds up quick and now I'm a happy gal!  I looooovvveeee chopsticks.  Background, worked with a Korean family and had my own set of silver chopsticks since they frequently invited me over.  I believe at one point my father in law told me I was showing off when I started eating dessert with them as well lol.  Love chopsticks!

We came back to our home and our sickly eldest ( we would have brought her food if she could keep any down) and had a lengthy visit ( like we always do) about everything.  Most often lately it's the government and how disappointing they are.  None of them seem to understand the word compromise or work together because they all want to be in control and heard and famously known for something instead of remembering why they're there, for us.  We the people have been forgotten and our best interests tossed aside for immature bickering and their arrogant power trips.  Pathetic.

Annnnywaaaayyyyys.....our Sunday was wonderful and spiritual and we had birthday cake and lemon meringue pie for breakfast.  Best breakfast ever!  Son got his cell phone and we bought him a tshirt that looks like the ac/dc symbol but says ad/hd lol and then underneath it reads Highway to Hey Look a Squirrel!  Rofl if you knew him you'd think it's so perfect for him!  He also got some hawk tshirts and of course money.  He was on cloud 9.  Grandad got a shooter's bible for his.  Our eldest picked our his card that said something to the affect of getting older is at least getting something lol.  Was a great weekend!

I wish I could say our Monday has been as great.  Awoken at 4am with 3yr old vomiting, @8am hubby woke up and called in sick, and @ 2pm I started having stomach cramps and crawled into bed.  But our son is fine!  Or next.......

When there is great there is always mind numbing stupidity after it......

You ever get that feeling that things are too good to be true?  Everything finally settling down, happier for the most part, getting a lot accomplished in spite of crippling fatigue and pain some days.  You know, better.  I always get that feeling when I'm comfortable that it won't last long so I tend to take everything I can from it and enjoy my calm before the storm.  Storms can be veeeery sneaky.

This one I didn't see coming but experience from other storms easier to deal with.  Doesn't make it hurt any less, just makes the logical side of me prepared.  I did an experiment of sorts that I kept to myself for an entire year.  I called certain individuals over the course of a year to 'check in' with them and make sure they were doing okay.  See if they needed to vent, anyone to talk to, or just plain needed someone who loved them to make any kind of effort to say you are not invisible I see you and I'm here for you if you need me.  I know saying the word experiment might make you alarmed but I was confused sometimes by these individuals that called me friend one minute and acted like I was a plague or flu the next.
Some to this day call on me and check on me frequently in fact more so in person than just a phone call and offer to help me and ask how I'm doing really standing there waiting for a response besides fine.  Others never called, never checked, never asked, and when they did fine was all they wanted to hear before they kept walking.  I hate that.  Either take a genuine interest in me or don't.  I hate the in between where I don't know where I stand with you.  That was over a year ago that I did that experiment and something told me about a couple of individuals, that gut feeling, that I got the correct results about them and they just aren't interested in the friendship I offer so to let it go.  No skin off my back I was happy to figure it out either way so I didn't feel confused about them anymore.

Recently though, I was blindsided.  There are people in my community and my church that I thought I could always count on and would always be there for me even if we had our moments of I don't like you right nows.  The information, which I won't divulge, that I received broke my heart to say the least.  They were always friendly and kind, happy and loving, and seemed supportive.  Then I discovered that's not how they acted when I wasn't there.  In fact the opposite.  It always hurts to find out someone you loved and  called friend just plain isn't.  Not only isn't but says the contrary to others you call friend.  I feel so sad about this and wish it could be different but there's nothing I can do other than accept it and move on.  I'll be sad for a while but here's where my logic stands.

Logically how often do people  who gossip about you tell the truth and I don't just mean partial truth I mean the whole truth and their own part in it.   On top of that how often do the people who are listening to the gossip about you question if it's truth or not?  If they are shocked or appalled at what they're hearing why don't they mention it to the one gossiping?  Why not simply state that that doesn't sound like something I would do to their face?  Challenge it.  I do.  I choose to have my own opinion on things.  I have respect for everyone else that does the same.  And for the record it's ok if you don't like me there's lots of people I don't like either.  Sometimes that makes it easier on you when you don't like someone who doesn't like you lol skip the chit chat, the formalities, the b.s, totally fine with me.

But, I do tolerate everyone, and have respect to all who are completely honest with themselves and with me.  I just don't like the feeling I'm being strung along.  It's awful.  I've discovered in my own life how rare it is to find people who think and feel this way and are out loud about it.  I consider them great gems in a chaotic world that makes me feel like there are way too many billions of people wearing masks of fake trust, fake leadership, fake compassion.  Irritates me to the core but it's the world we live in.  All I can really worry about is me.  I'm not perfect.  I already know that.  Would just be nice if others would stop expecting me to be all I can do is my best.  I hope you do yours as well.

Imagine Dragons come to St Louis

My husband, son and I had the opportunity to attend a 6 hour rock concert here in St Louis at the Verizon Wireless Ampitheater.  I kind of wish Greek Fire had been the first act for two reasons, one the lead singer is an excellent show man getting the crowd engaged in the music and excited about the show, two, they are straight out of St Louis so the loyalty is there.  As a result The Neighborhood, a fantastic band, did not get the crowd they hoped for or deserved and their music is awesome!  I felt bad for them.

Next came Cage the Elephant.  Great energy, great music, lead singer even found himself surfing in the audience a couple times.  All I kept thinking was if I was one of those teenage girls right now no matter how much I might love him he woulda been sweaty and I woulda been passing him along saying ew ew ew and wiping my hands off onto someone else's shirt lol.  Still they have an impressive front man was a great set! It set the tone for the next act, one of my favorites, Silversun Pickups.  Their music and performance remind me of the Smashing Pumpkins, that's a huge compliment coming from me by the way SP is one of my all time favorite bands, but they are definitely their own.  Their bass player Nikki blew our minds with her playing she is hands down best bass player to date!  If you haven't heard their music I highly recommend surfing YouTube and discover them for yourselves well worth the listen.  Was hard not to dance and do a lil head banging when they played this band is amazing!  Brilliant!  Superb!

Being that this was our 13 yr old son's first concert and he didn't really know the bands beforehand he found himself getting bored but I think that was because he had to wait 4 and half hours to get to the main event that he was out of his mind excited to see.  The Imagine Dragons!  Best show I've seen in years!  These guys are extremely talented and have  a kind of music that speaks to everyone of all ages and that's a rare thing these days.  They are a nice bridge to the gap of old school rock and new alternative.  It's nice to feel the words they sing they are so passionate about their music and it translates well to their audience.  Would see them again 1000 times over worth every penny and more!  If you are located in their future venue they are a must see show.  So get your tickets now you will NOT be disappointed.

NEXT!

Things are settling down around here thank heavens I'll take that and a bag a chips!  Our three year old is quite enjoying her time at preschool albeit a year early but she is doing really well so we can't complain.  I of course am enjoying the free time to nap ( since I'm up at the crack of dawn for early morning seminary) or other things that would be harder to do with a toddler around like cleaning my oven ( it needs it I slow roasted a brisket last week even with a drip pan).  Nice to be able to do the cleaning that's hard around small kids I might if I'm lucky even get around to prepping some more walls for painting.  The upstairs is my pet peeve at the moment.

I have less and less jumps and nightmares concerning our 15 year old and her seizures.  Her doctor seems quite confident and thorough in everything he does with her so that calms me down.  Someone who's been doing this over thirty years helps.  I hate the stress it's caused me, the lack of sleep, the run down feeling but as time goes by I heal a little bit more emotionally and physically who could ask for more?  It's great to have our biggest complaint be that we all got this flu/cold that's going around.  But now we're done with that too.

We had the opportunity to purchase a newly used washer and dryer set from friends of ours and now everyone wants to do their laundry.  Woohoo!  Teenagers cleaning their own clothes I'm set!  Not a have to because their baskets are full and they're out of underwear, want to.  It's a miracle!  We also bought a tool chest which hubby is thrilled with.  I never seen a man so happy cleaning and organizing a garage I tell ya.  Gold to me absolute gold.  He let our three year old daughter help him too nice bonus, sweet.  On top of that didn't want me 'interring' so it he knew where everything was.  It was like a vacation from scheduled reality around here.

The heat although it's trying to hold on for dear life here in St Louis is finally on it's way out the door.  Fall is coming.  The crisp weather not quite but we are getting there and I'm totally excited being that it's my favorite season!  Halloween, Thanksgiving and my son's 14th birthday are getting closer.  Isn't life amazing?  What a wonder to see our children grow so fast.  Even though they can't remember infancy we as their mothers sure do and then we start to think, I wonder if that's how my mother felt.  If she stood at the door or the kitchen window smiling at how brilliant and grown up and mature her kids were getting.  Hopefully not the flip of the coin, 'Will my kids every grow up?!'  Definitely not.

Being that Missouri in this area is so wooded you can only imagine the magnificent colors that we get to enjoy in the fall.  It's so beautiful that time of year and it's almost here!  It's hard to play with little ones outside in this heat, they dehydrate so quickly so I know it isn't just me that's looking forward to spending more time outside.  Even though I hate the raking and the pruning and the acorns crunching under my feet it's still an excuse to be outside enjoying the sunshine and sweet smells.  Hopefully we'll get some painting done as well.  Can't wait!

As if I Could Handle More

On July 30th my eldest 15 year old daughter Brittany suffered 3 seizures in the same day.  She has never had them before.  She doesn't do drugs.  We haven't had anything traumatic happen in our family neither has she suffered from any serious illnesses.  Yet she had them.  The first we didn't realize was a seizure it happened in the wee morning hours and I couldn't sleep and was up early and I'm completely convinced that was no accident.  She was breathing funny, and I couldn't wake her up.  We discovered later with the 2nd and 3rd seizures that this was how her body would force her to breathe again.  Like a glorious divine reset button that I am unbelievably grateful for.

Her second seizure I found her in the upstairs hallway thinking someone was hammering in a picture or something like I said before not knowing that these were seizures.  Now I know it was violent shaking.  I have seen people seizing before but when it's your own child you see if from a very unique perspective and I did everything medically that I could and should do.  Called 911 , while I was speaking with them I had to untangle her hair from the hall closet door hinge so that I roll her on her side to prevent choking and wait for the emergency services to arrive.  When she started to come to she was so extremely disoriented that she swatted me away and kept saying no.  She did the same to the EMS when they tried to help her to her feet in order to put her in a sitting stretcher and get her down the stairs.  Scared my 3 1/2 year old half to death she hid in her bedroom closet when the EMS came and I had to go looking for her.  My 13 year old son had come home from dog walking just as Brittany's seizure was ending and helped out a great deal with this family for the next 24-48 hours.  I am so thankful that he was able to take care of our home and youngest daughter while we worked with medical staff for hours to figure out what was happening.

At the first hospital visit we did blood work, urine samples, and a CAT scan.  Found nothing and were sent home.  About 45 mins into Brittany's nap on the couch I found her seizing again.  This one was longer and more violent than the one I had seen previously.  In fact, I watched my 15 year old daughter stop breathing and turn a shade of grey I have never seen on a human being in my lifetime.  I thought in that moment that I had lost her.  And then, the forced breathing, what I call her natural reset button.  I have never been more thankful for our bodies creation as I am now through this experience.  This body is a sacred gift.  Not to be treated unkindly or with an 'oh well' attitude.  And it seems that our Creator decided that she continue to live.  Words cannot describe.

We went to our second hospital, where she already had an appointment with her neurologist, and watched them carry out tests that needed to take place and were already scheduled.  Being that I had gone through this mostly on my own all day long we decided that Nathan, my husband would spend the night with her.  I stayed strong.  I never cried.  I listened carefully and discussed many things with all of the doctors involved.  I checked in on my son and had a good friend check on him and our little girl as well making sure that they were ok.  This can't have been easy for our son, he is so close in age to Brittany and they have been basically twins.  I am grateful that he had opportunities of comfort through all of this.

BUT!  When I left that hospital to drive home and check on my kids, not having for a moment allowed myself to shed a single tear.  I found myself sitting at a red light, crying.  But not for long, I wouldn't allow it. Not yet.   I had to drive home, I had to check on my other two children and make sure they were ok and try to offer them any comfort I could and answer our son's many questions as well as extended family members.  It was one of the most awful experiences I've ever had.  Even so, I found several moments of gratitude and joy.  Knowing that I am sealed to my children for time and all eternity.  Knowing that God is in control and praying for the strength to always accept what He has in store for my life.  Not once did I ever or will I ever blame such a perfect and compassionate Being.  No one did this to us.  It just happened.  Another hurdle to overcome.  Another experience to add to our growth.  I am grateful that she's alright beyond description.

When we came home with Brittany from the hospital and all was well, I finally allowed myself to break.  I know I'm human and I know that amount of stress bottled up would have killed me or made me ill.  It was a big and necessary break.  I don't think I've ever sobbed quite like that since my Father's Mother passed away.  I was inconsolable for quite a while and had a really hard time sleeping at first.  I found myself checking on the kids regularly through the night.  I even put the baby monitor back in the girls room in case we had another seizure in the middle of the night.  Full alert and protect Mom mode.  But it was really taking it's toll on me, I resort to prayer the most.

I can't go a day without praying, I need that daily contact.  I need the help right now to keep going and overcome the images in my mind and experience of it.  It's working.  I feel less afraid for her life, I sleep better again, and I feel blessed.  I love my family very much and would do anything for them.  But, I love my Father in Heaven more and value everything He teaches me and blesses me with on a daily basis.  I still cannot find the words to express my deepest gratitude and appreciation for everything He did for this family during this trial in our lives.

If you are going through something that feels too much for you, I understand how that feels.  Trust in the Lord to guide you.  He knows what you're capable of even if you think you can't do this thing, this challenge, this burden, I promise you , you can.  If He sees fit to give it to you He has His reasons and they are to strengthen and prove you.  Stay close to Him.  Let Him help.

Today is a New Day

With every new day the brightness of possibilities.  What can I accomplish today?  I've started waking up feeling that even though physically I might not be able to accomplish everything I set out to, the possibility of what I can obtain or finish is great.  I set my mind to do whatever I can handle to the best of my capabilities and carry on with it.  If I tire, I simply do and need to rest for a spell but that doesn't mean I have to stop trying.  Try is the most powerful, awesome, important word in my vocabulary.

Sometimes it's hard when we remember how well we used to do things or wish we were more improved in some areas sooner or faster.  That wonderful word try.  It allows you to fail without regret or malice.  Nobody is perfect.  We set out to do our best and although occasionally our best in our minds is far greater than our realistic capacity, we should remember that word try.  'If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.'  It also means, you'll never give up.  Goals don't always turn out the way we originally planned them but that doesn't mean they can't work out the way they were always meant to.  As long as we have an attitude to keep moving forward anything is still possible.

I have great faith in everyone around me on a constant level that if they just keep trying every will turn out alright.  It's when they quit or 'I give up' that they are letting themselves down.  Why all the work put into it thrown away?  All that will be received in that is sorrow, a lack of self confidence.  I find myself always wanting to encourage them to go on, keep trying.  I am learning still to apply this to myself, practice what I preach.  Allow myself some leeway for mistakes and small temporary failures.  Sometimes these things help us see our tribulations or queries from a different angle which can make all the difference in solving them.

I urge you, I urge me, to make that word try a staple in daily life.  To keep standing up when we're knocked down.  To keep moving forward and learning as we go, growing into a better human being than we were yesterday.  We can do this.  Just keep going.

Feeling Defeated and Finding Empowerment

Since Levoxyl is no longer available and with no specific announcement of it's return I have succumbed to the fact that this more bad days than good might be a little more permanent than I want it to be.  I have continued with level testing and keeping in touch with my doctor feeling more tired tham usual as well as being in a fog much of the time.  It's embarrassing to say the least and when you feel this tired at this age yes the word defeated enters my mind quite often.  I simply have little to no energy at the moment and have yet to learn how to pace myself for the important things so I don't wear out so quickly.  Hard to do when you still feel young but your body can't show it.  More sleep of course doesn't do a thing I've tried that and believe me some days I could sleep all day if I was living alone.  Like I said I have to learn how to pace myself a little bit better and learn to reserve energy for the important stuff.

With three kids home for the summer everyone around me does that wonderful assumption that the teenagers are home they can help out a little more around the house with me and miss toddlerpants.  Think before you speak!  If you have ever had teenagers their lives are full and busy.  Friendships reach an all time high during the summer months so they can 'hang out', feel independent, maybe work some odd jobs to earn some 'summer money' and rightfully so.  I encourage that it's a big important part of growing up.  But that being said I am learning as I go, asking a bit more of them than I have previously as the need arises more frequently hopefully not 'bugging them'.  As a result their allowances have increased as well so I hear no complaints in that department lol.

But!  It makes me feel guilty.  Ah a Mother's guilt.  It's incredibly powerful and relentless sometimes.  I have cried on my own in my room or bathroom often lately feeling guilty that I even had to ask them to help out a bit more around the house.  It makes me feel like I've failed them somehow as their Mother.   Every time they say, "Mom you sure haven't been feeling well a lot lately or Mom you're always tired." it breaks my heart into a pool of 'I wish it could be different's'. We are all still coming to terms with everything that has happened to me health wise over the past 2 years.  It's hard to accept for me I'm used to being a force to be reckoned with.  It's hard to feel defeated like this, I feel small, pointless.

Meditation is a great tool and current savior to these feelings of guilt and defeat.  However foggy and tired my mind might be, it can still focus, it can still find solutions quickly and easily, and it can still dream.  Lately on it's own it brings back memories of accomplishments.  They aren't just I used to be's they are I did that's.
I would love to add more great accomplishments to that list, for now, raising a great family is accomplishment enough for me.  I just have to find another angle to look at my life and I'm working on that.

 I'm still a work in progress, learning, changing, growing.  I choose to ignore as much negativity as I possibly can I just don't have the strength for it anymore.  I prefer to channel what energy I do have on the positive.  My family, taking care of them is what I do best,  without them defeat would win in the end and I'm grateful for their kindnesses and even their distractions.  I am still learning to pace myself wisely.  The things I know I will have the energy to accomplish on my own throughout the day, and the things I'll need to ask for help to achieve (begrudgingly I'll work on that too).  You can ask anyone who really knows me,  how hard is it for me to ask for help? ( pause for the laughing)  I know, stubborn to the core.

There's this, fire inside me.  Pushing me.  Urging me to continue the best I can.  The key word is 'try'.  Always try your best and ease up on yourself if you don't get it right the first time.  Just wake up tomorrow and try again.  If I can keep going,  you have no excuse not to.  Trust me.

This feels like enough to me

So thanks to Pfizer 'miscalculating' their distribution of Levoxyl I have to take the generic.  'Oh it's the same thing anyways.'  Uh, no it isn't.  Since I started taking this drug I'm restless, completely worn out, losing some hair again ( not happy might slap someone), and dehydrated by the time I wake up in the morning.  Of course I don't want to drink water all night long or just before bed then I'll be up all night peeing so no thanks.  I do keep some water near me when I wake up or feel like I'm thirsty.  I was doing so well too.  With Levoxyl I was finally feeling like my old self again.  After gaining 40 lbs after going hypothyroid and working on my dosage I have lost 31 lbs of that so far and I would loooove to keep going.

I keep telling myself this is just a set back.  No big deal. It's not like Levoxyl won't return but this shortage might kill me in the process.  After going through 2 years of trying to fix it and enjoying a whopping 2-3 months of feeling my old self I'm entitled to be impatient and totally miffed don't you think?  So in the meantime I will sit here waiting impatiently mumbling under my breath.  I need sleep.

So far .....

I really enjoy having my kids home for the summer.  For the most part.  I admit it gets harder having them all home, pulling me this way and that for friends and activities.  Feels  a little bit like school with all their after school activities.  We've been to several parks with miss Catie who asks at the crack of dawn every day, "Can I go upside?"  Of course we have already figured out this means outside.  But for the most part we are really enjoying spending time at home together.

Brings back memories of my own childhood somewhat.  Jumping on trampolines, swimming at the pool, jumping off the tree into the fishpond, playing at the park.  Good times.  But now I'm 38 and don't have the energy I once did, albeit still plenty.  But keeping up with 2 teenagers, one with adhd and a 3 year can take it's toll.  On top of that we trimmed many of our trees, our backyard has 7 or 8 of them, and two large ones in front.  Plus we had to trim all the trimmings and take them to the yard waste facility offered here.  Took about a week and a little bit.  I must admit I like and hate the way I feel after hours of hard work.  Hate knowing the muscles the next day will mangle themselves around me in awkward ways and yell at me in nightmarish tones.  Like because you feel like you've accomplished something important and spent your time well that day.

As a result of being this busy losing weight has become completely easy.  I hardly even have to think about it, it's coming off on it's own just by doing all the things that need to be done.  I find myself starving in the mornings and eat huge breakfasts but throughout the day I lose my appetite and get  a lot done and because of the heat I crave salads and fruits at the end of the day just for the water content.  Summer is the best diet ever lol.  Hopefully all this hard work will grow some muscle with it too, one can hope.

We don't have any big plans this summer as we spent last summer camping our way up to Canada and staying with family for a week then camping our way back down.  Was a great trip!  This year the most trip we are taking is Hubby and I are going to see Weird Al Yankovich in concert in a month and stay overnight there to have a small break from kids, mostly for me.  Looking forward to some silly with hubby.  Would be nice to head up to lake at least once this summer though.  I really enjoy doing that with the family.

But, for the most part this summer has been reserved for home projects and renovations.  Painting, cleaning carpets, replacing the kitchen floor, building shelves and reorganizing the basement.  That kinda thing.  Lots to do and only so many weekends to do them in.  Hopefully all the future weekends will be filled with sunshine.

Still haven't even had to chance to go tanning or swimming yet.  I know we'll get there, eventually lol.  I really look forward to it as we all like swimming!  Now if only I could find more kids my 3 year olds age in the area for her to have playdates with.  That actually bugs me a lot that she doesn't have more.  We live in a big city and we still feel she has no one to play with.  Every time we go to a park and she tries to play with any kids they push her down or yell at her.  Really makes me wonder what the hell parents are thinking that our child is friendly and wants to share and theirs are bullies without fail.  Hope the world doesn't end up this way when she's an adult.  It wouldn't be a world worth living in anymore if that's how future generations are going to turn out.  Please, pay attention to your children.  Not just at home but public places where they have opportunities to make new friends.  Help them understand how to go about it at a young age so that they are well adjusted by the time they are of school age.  Makes it easier on all involved.

Well, I hope you are enjoying your summer so far.  Tell me, what have you been up to?

What I Really Want for Mother's Day

I don't need fresh cut flowers that will die in a week or a plant that was cheap that you thought would look nice in a small pot in my backyard and will eventually die when it's too hot no matter how much I water it.  I don't want breakfast in bed, I'm hardly even hungry in the morning and I have to take medication that makes me wait an hour anyways so I can work up an appetite.  I don't need homemade cards although they can be very adorable and if it's really important to you that you do that then I won't say no and I will sincerely love it!

What I really want is honesty.  Look me in the eye and tell me what you've done wrong and trust that I know you and love you enough to help you grow from your mistakes.  Trust me to be forgiving and kind and understanding.  Come to me with your struggles and allow me the opportunity to at least steer you in the right direction.  Share with you my own personal experiences that might help you come to a better conclusion that you were at already.  Be honest with me about things I'm doing that hurt your feelings so that I get a fighting chance to try to repair any damage I may have unknowingly caused you.  Confide in me the person you want to be even if it isn't exactly like me.

What I really want is to smile.  Tell me a good joke or funny story that will lift my spirits and make my tummy hurt with laughter.  Give me words of encouragement and gratitude that bring a sweet tear to my eye and a bright smile on my face.  Do something nice for me that you see me struggling with without being asked just because you love me and you love my smiling face.  Spend time with me doing something that I love to do even if you don't.  Make good choices and work hard in your life so that I can see the fruits of my labor and yours intertwined in one purpose.

What I really want is genuine feelings of love.  Admission and acknowledgement for all the things I DO get done around here instead of all the things I try desperately to catch up on with little to no help.  I really want you to love me.  I want to be able to feel that you love me.  To know that no matter what you will always love me and be pleased that I am your Mother.  I want lots of hugs and kisses.  Tell me stories you remember that are special and important to you while you sit on my knee enjoying the fresh spring air.  Tell me stories about who you've become and what you've learned and where you're headed so I feel included in your life.

All I want for Mother's Day is to be with You.

The Warm Makes Me Lazy..

When it starts to warm up around here the first instinct I have is yard work...like most of you I'm sure!  We trimmed most of our trees, we have two that were almost dead that have completely revived over the winter snow and spring rain complain all you like but these two forms of moisture do as God intended and revive the plant life that surrounds you.  As a result we get to benefit by looking and smelling all of it and take in the wonderful sunshine that will always return.  I know some of you in Northern States and Canada are still waiting patiently for the snow to pass on and winter to let go of it's reign these past months, be patient before you know it you'll be complaining that it's too hot.

I get that 'bug' stirred up in me to plant things in my flower pots but this year instead of flowers I'm going to try my hand at herbs and see what I have a knack for.  If I get good at those I'll be brave enough to plant an herb garden.  In the past the only thing that ever worked out for me was my cactus and it died when we had a very unseasonable frost even though it was inside.  The temperature dropped so fast it froze to death poor thing.  I have always secretly believed that everything living hates me but roses.  They do everything they're told and more.  I am anxiously watching my little buds grow waiting for their beautiful vibrant color to grace us with their presence and the opportunity to smell their sweet intoxicating fragrance.  I know they say stick to what you know but we'll give these herbs a chance and a couple of fruits and vegetables as well.

This happens every year it warms up.  I get so excited and eager about all the things I can clean, fix, plant, and paint.  But here in Missouri sometimes Spring is very very short.  As soon as we start hitting anything about 86F I start to melt and turn into a pile of lazy goo.  I make sure in the early mornings or late dark evenings that I water all my plants and lawn and trees hoping they keep that moisture deep in their roots and stay strong for me when we hit the 100+F mark.  That's about it.  My outside work is minimal maintenance, unless I'm suntanning I'm sorry I know such a teenager thing to do but as a previous one I can assure you old habits die hard.  I prefer air conditioning and my basement from here on out unless we have colder days.

I was never this sensitive to heat or sunlight before but thyroid says no.  No to too much heat and no to too much sunlight.  As a result I am more lazy in the summer than any other season.  In fact I would say winter is my busiest time of year lol.  You sure can accumulate a lot of dust with 5 people and 2 cats!  I never vacuum so much in my year than when it's colder.  Last year I had to audacity not to listen to my doctor and got very sick a couple of times.  It was scary and I learned my lesson.  I know I'll get stir crazy that's what kids and sprinklers and water balloons are for!  Also we do Just Dance and lots of reading.

Ahhhhh my favorite part of summer!!  Reading!  No school to get ready for, help at home with baby girl.  There will be naps and reading gallore.  I'm looking forward to sleeping in.  When we need to go for a walk we go to the mall when it's too hot and wander around chatting.  I get to hear my kids tell me all the things they want ( that I can't afford) and all the things they hope to do when 'they grow up'.  It's actually very cool. This year we are trying not to vacation other than our 3 day weekends of camping now and then so we can save money for something fun and exciting like, Disney World.  We're real picky about that stuff we save thousands so we can really enjoy ourselves and take our time.  We've worked so hard to get out of debt that we'd rather be patient and plan than use credit cards that we can't pay back right away.  Sure feels a lot free-er.  I won't mind being lazy on a warm beach during a cold Missouri winter.  In fact I'll probably rub it in, you were warned!

I really enjoy spring, I don't mind being lazy in the summer and I sure am looking forward to all the down time I'll get to spend with my family.  So what are you doing this Spring?

Spring

I dream of living on the side of a mountain, cool and clear streams gurgling through the land.  Fresh grasses and wild flowers and bushes decorating the side of the mountain with color and sweet fragrance.  Feeling hidden in the trees, safe and comforted in their tall slender shadows and strength.  The smell of old wood from a neighboring fence or barn.  The soft grass under my feet like a welcoming carpet.

I dream of riding atop a horse enjoying warm summer air with their hair tickling my face in the cooling breeze.  Feeling the slow and steady movement of freedom.  Lazily enjoying the sun on my face and the soft rolling clouds in the sky changing shape with each passing moment.  Hearing birds singing their sweet harmonies of joy as we ride through the countryside listening to the mountains whispers.

I dream of laying on top of a big pile of hay, the straw itchin' up my back and teasing my nose.  Birds flying overhead with curiosity and wonder.  Watching a storm roll in the smell of rain on the wind.  Feeling the fat drops as they fall on my tongue and fingertips cleansing me, bringing me back to life.  My hair sticking to my face like honey, creating small streams of cold wet rain water.  Seeing a rainbow in the distance beyond the mountain with sunbeams promising their return.

I love the springtime.

My Week Without You

Monday...

After you left, before you were even out of the driveway, I sat in my chair and cried.  Too familiar of the days where we went months without seeing each other and even though I know you're only in Connecticut for a week my feelings of being separated are still raw.  I went back to sleep my heart ached.

When I awoke I checked on the computer to see that you landed safely.  I was relieved and excited for you, for your journey to a new place, a prominent place of learning.  I got home from shopping just in time to get your phone call that you had arrived safely and were on your way to Yale.  I spent most of the rest of the day watching Homeland to keep my from thinking of you and your absence.  I loved playing with our kids today they were a happy distraction.  I made our comfort foods together for dinner tonight.  Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup.  I was so happy when you called even if it was short.  To hear your sweet comforting voice.  I love you.

Tuesday...

I slept well last night despite that empty pillow haunting me.  I missed waking up with you. I missed giving you a big hug before we went about our days.  I asked the kids for hugs instead.  Was a great filler.  Catie did beautifully at our doctor's appointment today.  She made her male nurse laugh.  He said he didn't think he was going to get to smile today but then we came and she made his whole day just by being herself.  They all adore her.  I was scared when they left the room and I had to address this lump.  I didn't want to tell you.  I didn't want you to worry.  She felt it too so now I have another appointment on Thursday to check it.  I keep blaming myself if this is the worst.  I could have done so many things differently and didn't.  I'm sure so many people do that don't they.  This is hard to do without you.  I can't and won't speak to the kids.  I'll carry this on my own for now.  When you called I sideswiped your questions.  I'm sorry.  I don't want to worry you.  I really miss you.

Wednesday...

I rented Zero Dark Thirty today I hope I have a chance to watch it.  The kids seem to demand all of my attention and it's been hard to accommodate them.  They wear me out sometimes.  I really love to hear them giggling and chatting with each other.  Sounds of cheerful laughter.  Makes me smile.  Today I remind myself about this, situation that I'm in.  That I still blame myself for.  Then I remind myself I have the right to choose my life on a daily basis.  I can be whomever I choose at any time I choose it.  Such power and freedom in that.  I like it.  I have this desire to teach and be able to do well by my kids.  To have that opportunity someday to present them at the last day in righteousness.  I want to do that for me and for them.  I hope I can cope with all this stress and any other stress that might come.  I'm scared to talk to you about all of this when you call tonight.  I miss you.  I wanted to give you a big kiss all day.

Thursday...

I woke up calm and relaxed.  At first.  The more awake I became the more nervous and anxious I felt.  Every time someone asked me what time it was I cringed.  Getting closer and closer to my appointment at the hospital.  I really wanted to wake up with you there next to me.  Hold my hand.  Rub my back and reassure me.  After I took a shower I had this calm fall over me like everything was going to be okay, a quiet voice of encouragement that at the very least I would gain a new experience.  

Last night I fell asleep praying, thinking and contemplating what I really want out of my life.  Regardless of it's timeline.  I really want to be able to teach my children, all of them, and bring more into the world if He wills it.  I want to be able to exercise and sleep better, I want to be myself , I'm done caring what others think I am so unhappy when I worry about them more than myself.  I need to worry about me.  The things I am capable of and bring to the table, to this world.  

I got to the hospital early and said a quick prayer that if it's bad news I won't just disappear inside my head that I'll be present in their conversations with me and be able to focus on what they're saying.  To have a clear mind.  They were very nice to me.  They sent me through mammograms and ultrasounds.  Great news all is well!!  Thankyou, my precious Father in Heaven, for your blessings of greatness and joy.  Thankyou for good health, for my sake and the sake of my family.  Thankyou.

I tried to call you all day with this good news but I couldn't reach you.  All is well!!  I love you.  I miss you.

Friday...

I woke up with a smile on my face and sunshine in my heart and through my windows.  You are coming home tomorrow.  I'll feel better when you are safe and sound in my arms.  I can't wait to see you , to hear all that you have to show me and tell me.  

I think I might be getting the flu so this isn't great news but compared to yesterday today is magnificent.  I love sweet moments, precious moments in the middle of things.  Sitting in the chair scratching sweet Catie's back until she falls asleep on my lap.  I love that my children want time with me to keep me with them to spend more time with me.  It's a wonderful feeling to be loved that way.  The house has suffered some my love since you were away.  Distractions and sweet moments have kept my from worrying about my floors and I chose to focus on them, their intelligent and creative minds, their sweet ways with each other.  How I love them.  How I love you.  Be safe.  I'll see you tomorrow and you can see what I did my week without you.

Spiraling Darkness

I don't know about any of you, but I feel like I'm always falling farther down that abyss of darkness than I realize.  I have this.........thing about me.  I offer to help others as often as possible and sometimes at my own expense.  As a result sometimes it feels like I'm spiraling out of control.  I ask myself how is that a good thing,  to put everyone ahead of myself and fall further down?  It isn't.  There's no other answer for that is there?

It's hard to find that balance sometimes.  Well, for me it is.  Not that I'm not willing to say no, I just have a hard time getting it to come out of my mouth.  If I see people struggling my instinct is to help any way I can and do anything they need, as long as it's legal and I won't die from it lol.  I, out of my own free will and choice, am willing to do whatever it takes to help others succeed.  But as a result  I feel forgotten or left behind.

Picture a swirling spiral of darkness with bursts of light and you are in the middle of it.  You see others beneath you begging for help reaching their hands up to you, passing you others because they are exhausted and can't help them anymore themselves.  Now you see these individuals that you help reach the perfect sunshine of happiness at the top and suddenly the swirling darkness starts to close in on you and now you realize, all too late of course, that you need their help.  But they are so happy and distracted by the perfect view and sheer relief from having made it at all that they don't even hear your own cries for help or see your own hand stretched forth.

The question that popped into my head was would it be different if you were asked to do this for others knowing the consequences.  For some reason in my own mind the answer is yes.  If I knew that I could help several others to the top and not be able to attain it myself I would sacrifice myself.  But you know what?  That's the wrong answer.  So wrong.

Am I willing to sacrifice my own self worth and salvation by helping others, and in turn, does that really benefit anyone in the full scheme of things?  No.  It doesn't make it better it makes it worse.  Sometimes we are forced to say no because of our circumstances or simply because our instinct tells us it would be wasted on them and to concentrate on finding those around us that truly would benefit from our help and in turn help us.  A partnership.  I am of no use to anyone at all if I get stuck in that dark abyss.  It will cancel out any effort on my part on behalf of others.

Now why on earth is that so hard for me to do but easy for me to say?  Habit maybe?

Yeah Alright I Guess So

Finally and for the first time in three years my husband gets up the nerve to ask his parents to take our kids so we can have a weekend break.  This wasn't without nudging, hinting, crying, pulling hair out, reminding, asking, nagging to get to this point.  My jaw dropped when while he was on the phone with his Mom he finally said the words.  It's pathetic and understandable to be this excited.  Pathetic because it took so long, I found out that hubby was actually scared to ask his parents for help which still has me baffled and wondering if he knows them.  Weekend with grandkids?  All the cool personalities and funny things they say?  Golden!
Understandable because it's been three years since we've had time to ourselves longer than a couple of hours twice a month to go on a date.  Even then my phone's burned up with calls from the kids.  Makes it hard to relax.

Finally and for the first time in our marriage we bought new furniture.  We have been very blessed to have barely used furniture hand me downs from great friends and family.  But it was just time.  Needed a new bed for a couple years so it was just time to do both.  We went to Weekends Only with the intent of just looking and maybe buying.  My hubby tends to be on the cheap side of things, not practical side, cheap aka even if it's something we really need it has to be generic or cheaper.  I am of the opinion that yes it must be affordable but also I like good quality too.  Not everything cheap is worth getting because you'll find yourself right back where you started in no time making another purchase for the same thing.  Have to be a smart shopper not just cheap.

He finally decided on a reclining sofa, which is something we were looking for, that has a heated massage feature.  If you're female and reading this you understand that he was already sold on the price tag and the massage forget about the size, will it fit in our room, or the color, sage green which is not my cup of tea but it's tolerable at least it wasn't bright orange.  You also can't lay down on it at all because it has a console to hide your snacks and remotes and beverage holders.  Female readers are as of now sympathizing and totally understand how this happened.  I could have fought it and said no.  I suggested several others.  I didn't mind the way it felt it was comfortable and that's all that mattered to me in the end is that I would enjoy it too.  So he bought it.  They warned him then and there non refundable lol.  Hope it was a good choice.  He'll learn if it wasn't.

On the upside I also got a new mattress and boxspring.  I love Weekends Only staff.  They are very particular when you are picking a bed they want you not to just use your hand to push on it or to sit on it and flop a little bit.  They want you to lay down in your most common sleep position for a period of time and do that with several before making a decision.  To their credit, and this is weird to me but, not all businesses allow you to do that in fact there are some stores that tell you no shoes and don't lay on it.  How do you buy a mattress you've never laid on I ask you?  We chose one a little on the firm side, very comfortable, hardly notice when the other party moves on it and it was a good price.  Sold!  So yesterday we got 'our' reclining sofa and 'our' new bed.  Slept like a baby on that thing did not want to get up and drive our teenage daughter to Seminary.  I fought it all the way to  mins before we had to be there and then discovered, d'oh!, we're outta gas lol.

Three year old mostly potty trained, check.  She still asks for a diaper for number two and when I find her niche I'll be able to continue wait no convincing that the potty is better for both.  We used Reese's Peanut Butter cups to start the whole thing off.  She started trying to pee on the potty as often as possible at first thinking about how she got one every time she was successful and even tried to get some when she wasn't lol.  I have chocolate coins or 'chocolate money' as she puts it.  I might even have to add really money in there.  She keeps asking for $40 every time we go shopping ( keep in mind she's three and no concept of money yet lol) maybe I should tell her she can have it if she'll never use another diaper again ( except at bedtime I'm sparing the sheets).  Then she can buy panties with it.

Very excited to have new furniture, new bed, potty training kid, and weekend off.  It's a great day!

Detoxing my mind and body

I have been doing a cleansing day most months of the year every year since I was about 13/14 years old.  I would always abstain from any processed foods, beef, pork, and even dairy.  Wasn't easy.  I drank a ton of water and fruits and vegetables.  Was easy my parents always had a garden.  I usually did this on a Saturday and it was much easier to do in the summer months because sweat really helps you get rid of any toxins.  I would call it my 'tanning' day.  I started adding lemon juice to my water in my later teen years because I discovered it had great health properties to help jump start detox and now of course it's a fad and everyone puts a lemon slice, wedge, or juice in their water.  Used to just be a fancy restaurant thing when I was younger lol.  I would do that all day long and be careful and dinner and then by bedtime I was done.

Since I've grown up, stress is much more prominent it comes with the responsibility of having a family and home to look after.  We 'cleanse' our homes every year with spring cleaning.  Tossing out or donating old toys, clothes, and furniture.  Opening all the windows to clean warm fresh air, washing and dusting everything to get the 'stink out'.  Our bodies need that too.  Not just once a year but I try to do it a min of once a month if not more than that.  Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints we fast once a month, usually the first Sunday, to show our obedience and gratitude to our Father in Heaven for everything He gives us.  It also acts as a mini detox to our bodies if we do a full fast ( miss two consecutive meals in a 24 hour period as well as abstaining from drinking any water or beverages) and I always find myself automatically aiming for the water first and foremost.

When I was in my late teen years I learned how to meditate.  I remember this small town of ours linking meditation to burning incense or chanting which is fine for some but was never my intention.  I just wanted the quiet peaceful state when my mind could offer me solutions to things that were bothering me and help me 'clear the air' of stress around me.  I still meditate about two times a week to this day.  It's a wonderful calming escape to me where I get to sit still and clear my mind or unwanted thoughts or anger or arguments.  I've gotten pretty good at it over the years.  It only takes me minutes to sink into meditation and 'empty out the trash'.  I always open my eyes feeling lighter and happier so it works really well for me.  I know it might not work for everyone.

When I originally started meditating I would use the bathtub to do it.  Covering my ears with the water so it would muffle out anyone speaking outside the bathroom and all I could hear was myself breathing.  My family can attest to my falling asleep quite often as a result so I stopped doing it that way and wouldn't recommend it unless there is someone that can check on you frequently.  I tried doing it in a quiet part of the world, I would jog down to a quiet place and sit on a log or tree stump but I was always interrupted by cyclists or dog walkers so I stopped doing it that way too.

Now I have a song.  This song I associate only with meditation and nothing else.  The first time I heard it was on the radio and I remember looking up the mp3 online and finding a remix which I bought and downloaded.  Now when I hear it play it puts me automatic relax cut everyone off mode so I have to be careful to keep it separate from my other music.  The song is only about 4-5 mins long.  If I need more time I replay.  But quite frankly that 4-5 minutes can keep me going all day.  Puts me in the right frame of mind to solve arguments and stressful situations.  I am more mindful of what's going on around me and don't feel overwhelmed by it.

With the state of the world as it is and the speed it demands we pace ourselves at I truly cherish the opportunities I have to stop and appreciate life.  Whether it's snowed in or a week at the cabin by the lake I am grateful for that time we have to stop and breathe and learn more about each other and the time to adore the beauty in this world.

The Right to Fight

We grow up thinking we have the right to everything.  Even the right to be better than everyone else.  We do that whole my dad's better than your dad on the playground.  I'm the king of the castle and you're the dirty rascal.  First place in track n field.  I have a tv in my room and you can barely afford the one in your living room.  Arrogant right?

What happens when it's against yourself?  Only you can know your best no one else and as a result you will always find yourself competing with you.  In effect always putting yourself down when you are not at your best as well.  I find myself doing that with humor lately but I know in the end it can only sting.  The venom just goes a little bit slower when I use humor with it.

I finally got fantastic news that my thyroid levels are excellent.  Woohoo!  That's great news!  Immediately followed by so if you are going to get pregnant now is the time to do it.  You're 38 years old and everything looks good I wouldn't wait if you are going to have more kids.  Okkaaayyy.  Surprised that he said that but ok.  That lead to 'the discussion'.  Are we ready for more or are we content?  Let me throw in a curveball.  How many children chose to be born to us and are we cutting any of them off when we arrogantly say we're done?  Do we think we have more rights than them?

It is a privilege to have children and a God given right for women to bare them.  It is also a partnership.  Being that they are God's children in the Spirit when we bare and birth these children we instantly partake in  a partnership directly with God to provide for them in various ways, raising them to be good and self reliant human beings on this earth.  Do I, when I say no to more children, compromise that relationship with God?  Is there any iron clad way to know whether or not there are more souls meant to be members of this family through me?  

Decision made.  All three of my children thus far have been conceived whilst using contraceptives.  They came when they were meant to come and I never got a chance to plan any of them.  We decided this time we'll put the contraceptives on the shelf for a couple of years and if they come they come and if they don't they don't.  Leaving it in God's hands and willing to accept His will.  However, my husband has added a condition.  He doesn't want to finally reach retirement and we still have kids at home.  Understandable.  That means we have a cut off age.  I don't feel wrong about kneeling in prayer and saying that my husband doesn't wish to have children beyond this age so anyone who needs to come let them come now.  I don't feel arrogant or selfish.  I feel that this decision is respected and understood by both sides of the fence as long as we are humble about it.  As long as we accept the answer no.  Haven't received a no as of yet but if I do I will have another decision to make.

As a result of all of this I am being much harder on myself.  Being very conscious of how I'm living.  How much time I spend with my 3 year old now.  My teenagers are in full fledged teenage mode where they don't really desire to be around me as much, just some of the time.  They are content with friends and hobbies and homework and after school activities.  So unfortunately I do factor that in.  Will they be willing to help me with future babies in the house?

I am also being very picky about my water and food intake.  My level of exercise.  I seem to always want to do more than I have time for or my body is willing to cope with.  I am still working my way back up the scale having been going through all this medical drama for the last 2 years.  I find myself worn out a tad more quickly than before this all started and the only way I know to get it back up to par is to keep trying.  Another issue that I will eventually have to deal with is what if I will never get back there?  What if this is just how it is for me from now on?  Am I willing to accept that?  I have energy gallore so it makes me restless at times but getting rid of the energy so far is on house work and chasing the toddler around lol.  I'm like one of those cartoon characters that you see with the robe and slippers and messed up hair and bags under her eyes stepping on the cats tail while fighting with the crying baby and grabbing the collar of the teenager in trouble with their latest antics.  Totally me!

Here's the biggest thing I have to give myself credit for.  I'm still here.  After all of the horrible things I have had to endure and all the time stealing frustrating hurdles I have had to jump over, I'm still here.  I'm still standing on my own two feet ready to face more challenges.  I try not to be bitter about them just simply take them for what they are and move forward.  I refuse to wallow, I don't appreciate people who do.  There's this whole big world out there to enjoy and I've made a decision to enjoy what I can as often as possible.  I may be worn out and stressed and frustrated with myself on a regular basis but I am a fighter and I keep going regardless of the outcome which sometimes I know isn't what I wanted.

I have to believe that there is always something greater around the corner even if it's attached to millions of nasty challenges I have to face to get to it.  I have to believe that I have the tools and knowledge to get me there and what I lack in God finds a way to help make up for whether through helping me or putting others in my way that can help me.  It is the same.

I'm both scared and thrilled at the concept of more children in our home.  I'm both scared and thrilled at the possibilities of what I can achieve now that I have a better bill of health.  I am grateful for life either way.

Am I Doing the Right Thing?

Children are such a blessing and a special gift.  They make us laugh, they make us cry, they challenge us to our very cores most often than not.  We try to encourage, direct, enforce, discourage, and challenge them back as much as we can.  It's an honor to be a part of their lives, watch a human being grow into an adult with ambition and passion about life all their own.

But I am sooooo tired.  I find myself sacrificing everything for my children all the time.  Sounds great that I do that right?  But at what cost?  What good am I to my kids if I over do it?  We are going through, still, that part of toddlerdom where they keep changing their sleep habits and keep trying to go back the one they liked .  You know the one I mean.  The one where they are up til the wee hours of the morning and sleep in. It's like teenager practice.  Due to our eldest daughter's schedule this is just impossible!  We are up around 5am every morning so to stay up with our toddler or allow her to stay up past even 9pm we really struggle to keep going.  Expecially me.

I see my husband get to the end of his rope after trying to help her relax and calm down.  We have literally done everything.  Her nighttime routine is awesome and she does really well with it until all of the sudden the last few nights it doesn't phase her.  So we thought about and decided maybe if we begin a half hour earlier doing her routine it will help.  It's worse!  I feel like a walking Zombie that turns into pumpkin guts after 8:30pm.

Her routine is as follows, 7:30 bathtime, we have noticed if we miss this it's a longer struggle and I'm hoping adding lavender baby bath will help.  At 8pm we walk around the house with her turning off all the lights so she can see we are shutting the house down for the night.  We figured making her a part of that would help her eventually understand this means everyone needs to be thinking about bedtime.  It worked for a while but she could care less now.  The slightest interruption of her bedtime routine and she thinks we've cancelled bedtime lol but we continue on.  Then we put on one lamp, the same lamp every night, and we read to her in quiet and calm voices to help soothe and relax her.  I have always read to my children at night since our first was born so this habit is easy.  Of course the oldest two read on their own before bed now.  Then if rock and quietly sing to her until she's asleep which usually took maybe 3 mins but just to be safe we do it about 10 even if she's fallen asleep.  The whole thing takes maybe an hour and a half at the most so we are usually at 'free time' at 9pm at the latest.

I am having a hard time putting my foot down when she refuses to calm down or sleep and handing her off to hubby while I go to bed.  I'm the one up at 5am dealing with the oldest kids, making sure they are eating breakfast, helping them with lunches, driving daughter to seminary and then high school.  When I get back I am making sure hubby is up and help him with his lunch and breakfast and send him off to work and our son off to junior high school.  I try to make sure our baby girl is up shortly after that so that she naps earlier and shorter so that when we hit 7:30pm she'll be ready for bed again.  I am finding that so hard lately though having stayed up late with her and getting up early with the others.  I try not to but I'm always falling asleep on the couch or in the chair or wherever I am after everyone has left for the day which means she sleeps in.

Is it worth me staying up late to help hubby out if she's not asleep by 9?  Am I spreading myself too thin?  I could be grouchy during the days but I choose not to be.  I just endure the best I can until she falls asleep, aching to nap with her lol.  Doesn't always work though, some days I get a second wind just when she conks out.  Then by the time she wakes up I've been thinking about napping quickly before she does.  I'm getting to the point where this is going to affect my health.  If I don't get the sleep I need my body can't rest and heal like it's meant to.  I keep thinking this is just temporary though, she's growing every day and the longer we stick to her routine the more likely it will be that it will be her habit.  Her body will just catch on oh it's time to sleep now.

She's not even overstimulated before bed she plays quietly to herself after dinner.  During the day she runs around a lot and plays with everything.  We tickle, we chase, we challenge her knowledge of things.  I feel stuck.  I don't want to abandon hubby at night but I need to be there in full capacity from 5am on the next day.  Am I doing the right thing sacrificing my sleep for my kids?